Christmas all up in this

Yo wuz hannen urrbuddy??? Man y'all heard of this holiday called Christmas? Usually Christians be celebrating that shit but this year things was looking grim on account of all them East Coast intellectuals declaring War on Christmas. Luckily Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson came to the rescue. They forged a compromise with the ACLU. In exchange for the ACLU letting Christians celebrate Christmas on December 25th, the Christians had to let all them Christ-killing liberal Judean folk have the first night of Hanukkah on the same date. That may sound extremely unfair to Christians, but keep in mind that a few years ago they had to share late December with the traitorous Moslems and their demonic holiday Ramadan/Eid. Thanks to Bill O'Reilly the Islamists have had to continually push back Ramadan every year. I bet in a few more years they'll have to celebrate that shit in the summer. Suckaz!!!! So the silver lining is that Christians are gaining ground in this epic war. But just because they won this year doesn't mean that they can become complacent. Remember, the enemy will not rest until their diabolical plan to conquer the globe with their perverted holiday ideology is successful.


Why we fight

Il fait froid

Oh man y’all heard of this thing called global warning? Man them liberels have been telling us that shit is real, but if so, then why the fuck won’t it stop snowing? What the fuck dude? I’m looking out my window and it’s like God is eating beignets or something. Winter is gay. It's so cold that the new panda cub at the zoo has turned into a pothead. I don't see why it's legal for a panda to smoke weed when we humans aren't allowed to.

Cuteness:


You gots to chee-yo, bah...

Icy first to dull the pain

Yo whassup you all!?!? Shaqdaddy back up in this! I’d like to thank Spencer Evans for his entertaining and cringe-inducing guest post. Thanks Evan, your check’s in the mail.

Anyway, even though I’m back blogging, I haven’t been able to get back to centering for the Heat. I’ve been practicing some lately, but it’s still too early to tell when I’ll be back on the court. Sprained ankles are a bitch! The scary thing is that I’d be out for the whole season if this injury had happened a few years ago. Back in those days, most athletes who suffered sprained ankles were immediately euthanized. For those lucky enough to be given the chance to recover, treatment usually entailed nothing more than a strict regimen of enemas and prayer. Fortunately there has been a revolution in pain relief in these last few years. Now if an athlete gets injured in any way, all he need do is apply liberal amounts of the soothing, velvety miracle balm known as CHATTEM’S ICY HOT. ICY HOT gets icy first to dull the pain and then gets hot to relax it away for hours of relief. Be sure to buy some the next time you get injured. Better yet, injure yourself on purpose so you’ll be able to experience the ICY HOT phenomenon as soon as possible. For a change of pace, try new ICY HOT CRUNCH. The only topical analgesic with caramel.


I want to win a championship so bad, it hurts

THANKSGIVING GUESTBLOGGING!!!

Salutations to all, ‘tis none other than I, EVAN SPENCER JACOBS!!! You may be wondering what a homosexual Jew such as myself is doing on Shaquille’s blog… well, this Thanksgiving weekend he visited the Jacobs residence in Philadelphia. I pleaded with him to let me guest-blog here since his blog is way cooler than mine and has almost a million times more readers. After a lengthy negotiation session, he finally acquiesced. I've just now started walking again, so here goes…

Wow, this blog is really pink. It’s hard to concentrate on writing something coherent and interesting with all this disorienting pink nonsense surrounding you. Damn Shaq, try something a bit less tacky. Something like, I don’t know, green and white maybe. Ooh I know what I want to write about! I’ll write about Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it, Fangsgibbon. So anyway, Shaq and I are chilling with my famfam the other day, eating turkeys as is the Jewish custom, when BALLS!!! VAGINA!!! TURTLECOCK!!!! LABIA!!! GAYPEOPLE!!!

Oops, sorry, I forgot to mention that I have a mild case of Tourette’s. It makes normal social interaction quite difficult. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Fangsgibbon… well later on we’re all playing basketball (my bro, my Dad, and I versus Shaq) and we’re up 19-15 with the ball in my Dad’s hands. He’s about to put up the winning layup but then ANUS!!! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK TWAT!!! BAAAAALLLLLS!!!

Whew, what’s come over me? It’s like I can’t go more than 5 minutes without saying the word “balls”. But who can blame me? What a beautiful, sonorous, versatile word. It rolls off the tongue so elegantly. You almost wish that it wouldn’t leave your mouth, that you could keep balls in there forever, slowly and tenderly nurturing every letter. But of course gestation must eventually come to an end, and it truly is a bittersweet moment when balls, after fully incubating inside your mouth, finally peeks its newborn head through your teeth and cautiously takes its first steps into the world outside. Soon it will soar confidently through the air, finding harbor in the eardrums of those bystanders lucky enough to be within earshot. As you survey the confused and offended expressions of those around you, it finally hits you: your little baby has achieved audibility. You reach for your handkerchief and MONKEYNARDS!!! MEATUS!!! PENISJIZZ!!! SANTORUM!!!

Not again! Sorry everybody. I guess I’ll end this right now. I’m sure Shaq doesn’t want me littering his blog with any more scatology. My one shot at the big time, and I blow it like a horse’s erect penis. Again, I sincerely apologize if I’ve offended any of the regular readers of this smegma-encrusted monkeycock, I mean blog. I mean smegma-encrusted monkeycock. No, wait, I mean blog. Yes, blog. Ok, I’ll leave now.

And oh yeah, be sure to czech me out on my own blog, The Opinions of a Homosexual Jew.

I ain't never metaphor I didn't like

"Dang it, push or pull?!?! Hmm, could be automatic..."

Shit yo, y'all heard of these things called metaphors? Cats (by cats I mean people) can employ all that fancy-type figure of speech shit to illustrate the similarities between two ostensibly dissimilar things. Like maybe this picture is a metaphor for the Global War on Terror. The double doors are al-Qaeda... all Presdint George need do is open them to usher in a period of eternal peace and liberty freedoms. But wait a sec, what's this??? Oh no, the doors won't budge!!! Why could this be?!?! Could it be because the door handles are actually loathsome obstructionist liberals who deviously plot to hinder George's valiant crusade at every turn??? These locked handles, with their blame-America-first attitude and utter lack of patriotism, pose as great a threat to the American way of life as do the doors to which their traitorous visages are bolted. It may well be time to smear menstrual blood on the door handles, or at least place electrodes on their keyholes.

Time for Comics

Sup, peoples?!?! Man since I been sidelined with an ankle injury these past couple weeks I've had more time to devote to my artistic endeavors and shit. Check out these comics what I did on the internet:

Veteran's Day up in this.

Crayonsauce.

Spelling Bees are so xiphophyllous.
(alternate version)

Uhh...

math lesson.

and finally.

Be sure to make y'all own comics and let me see.

Ammaleev y'all with the kwoate of the week: "If China attacked Taiwan, we would have to borrow money from China to attack China."~Congressman John Tanner (D-TN). Awww jeeaahh!!! Tennesse's 8th District in tha house!!!!

It's hard work

Man y'all heard of this president we got? Things has been hard on him lately. That dude Scooter Billy already got indicated and pretty soon Carl Rove will be too. George's approval ratings is like 30 something percent. Shit, my three frow percentage is higher than that. Plus when this picture goes public his approval ratings will probably plunge even further:


Preliminary reports indicate at least one pretzel was involved in this incident.

"I might likely have to punch him, literally..."

Aw man y'all heard of that cat from FEMA known as the Michael Brown??? Man he is in some deep-ass shit now that his email correspondence with various co-workers during the Katrina sauce has been made public. Man people was dying and shit and that fool was talking about sitting on dogs and what not. What the fuck? Anyway, if you thought his emails made him seem incompetent, callous, and oblivious, then just wait til you see this exclusive AOL instant messenger transcript that I somehow secretly obtained from my boy LIBERAL CHARLIE MELANCON...

Prez4life (3:45:34 PM): yo brownie
femadude (3:45:36 PM): wassap W?
Prez4life (3:45:58 PM): man have u been watching CNN???
femadude (3:46:02 PM): yeah
Prez4life (3:46:30 PM): check out all that wind
femadude (3:46:47 PM): WOW and rain too
Prez4life (3:47:34 PM): did u see how the roof of the superdome got tore off?
femadude (3:48:16 PM): no, WOW
femadude (3:48:24 PM): hurricans are kewl
Prez4life (3:48:49 PM): HA HA yeah
femadude (3:50:08 PM): I saw u on tv playing guitar
femadude (3:50:17 PM): I never knew u could
Prez4life (3:51:20 PM): yeah ima renasance man
femadude (3:51:42 PM): do u take lessons???
Prez4life (3:52:38 PM): yeah it’s hard work
femadude (3:52:45 PM): HA HA
Prez4life (3:54:04 PM): so where r u now?
femadude (3:54:51 PM): im in baton rogue
Prez4life (3:55:24 PM): what does taht mean?
femadude (3:56:00 PM): I dunno its french
Prez4life (3:56:04 PM): french sux
Prez4life (3:58:49 PM): speak english dammit
Prez4life (4:17:25 PM): I H8 france
femadude (4:21:16 PM): sorry, I was playing minesweeper…new best time!!!
Prez4life (4:21:21 PM): kewl
femadude (4:21:37 PM): yEAH mINESWEEPER iS kEWL
femadude (4:21:48 PM): oops sorry about the caps I know its annoynig
Prez4life (4:22:07 PM): ha ha its kewl bro
Prez4life (4:23:34 PM): fema stands for 'Font-Enlarging Mike is Annoying'
femadude (4:23:46 PM): lol
Prez4life (4:24:05 PM): what is lol???
femadude (4:24:17 PM): absolute value of zero
Prez4life (4:24:29 PM): ???
femadude (4:24:36 PM): nevermind dood
Chertoff05 has entered the chat
Chertoff05 (4:24:40 PM): hey u guys
Prez4life (4:24:43 PM): yo
femadude (4:24:43 PM): yo
femadude (4:24:45 PM): jinx
Prez4life (4:24:46 PM): jinks!
Chertoff05 (4:25:15 PM): doods u seen this Katrina shit!?!?
Prez4life (4:25:31 PM): yeah its offle
Chertoff05 (4:25:58 PM): did u hear about trent lott’s house?
femadude (4:26:06 PM): no why>
Chertoff05 (4:26:25 PM): it got destroyd
Prez4life (4:26:32 PM): oh shit no
femadude (4:26:33 PM): OMG!!!
Chertoff05 (4:28:07 PM): hey W I saw u on tv eating birthday cake with mccain
femadude (4:28:13 PM): lucky ducky
Chertoff05 (4:28:26 PM): did it taste good
femadude (4:28:35 PM): what kind was it?
Chertoff05 (4:28:44 PM): I liek ice cream cake
femadude (4:28:56 PM): ohh yeah, esp in the summer
Prez4life (4:29:03 PM): it was double choclate
Chertoff05 (4:29:10 PM): YUMMS!!!
femadude (4:29:12 PM): lucky
Prez4life (4:29:42 PM): I like cake but I like BROWNIES better
Chertoff05 (4:29:50 PM): HA HA LOL
femadude (4:29:51 PM): ROTF!!!
Chertoff05 (4:29:58 PM): ROTFLMAO
femadude (4:30:05 PM): THat was a good one
Prez4life (4:30:08 PM): thanx
femadude (4:30:36 PM): oops, gotta go I’m giving an interview to wolf blitzer
Prez4life (4:30:49 PM): u know his real name is leslie???
femadude (4:31:00 PM): no way!
Chertoff05 (4:31:12 PM): HA HA fag!
femadude (4:31:25 PM): my heart goes out to him
Chertoff05 (4:31:27 PM): HA HA
Prez4life (4:31:33 PM): what r u gonna ear?
Prez4life (4:31:35 PM): wear
femadude (4:31:47 PM): I dunno… what do u think?
Prez4life (4:32:09 PM): wear that blue button down shirt you have
Chertoff05 (4:32:22 PM): make sure you flash our secret sign
femadude (4:32:29 PM): sho nuff
femadude signed off at 4:32:31 PM
Chertoff05 (4:32:45 PM): whoa just remmbered I got a interview to do soon too
Prez4life (4:33:00 PM): good luck
Chertoff05 (4:33:06 PM): thanx dood
Chertoff05 (4:33:37 PM): peace, i'm out like McGreevy
Chertoff05 signed off at 4:33:38 PM
Prez4life (4:33:40 PM): c u later cherkoff
Prez4life (4:33:44 PM): HA HA
Chertoff05 signed on at 4:40:28 PM
Chertoff05 (4:40:33 PM): hey is louisana a city or a state?
Prez4life (4:41:04 PM): I dunno
Prez4life (4:41:29 PM): a city I guess

Eid Mubarak you all

Yo y'all heard of this tareistic holiday known as Eid? Man them Islams is celebrating that day today. Apparently the Mozzlems haven't been able to eat anything at all for an entire month but tomorrow they can finally partake of non-pork related foodstuff activities. Personally, I am a bit nervous. Imagine how hungry and pissed you'd be if you hadn't eaten in a month. Now take that and multiply it by two, since them A-rabs is twice as prone to tareistic behaviours than other races of people. Now take that number and square that shit, since it was Arabs what invented the algerba. And finally you have an absurdly large number which accurately reflects the threat to our freedoms posed by the Mohammedans. I just hope that Homeland Securities and the FBI continue to be vigilant like this incident where they detained and questioned 5 Islamics for praying during halftime of the Saints/Giants game. I'm sorry, but what's the big problem with this? If you don't want to get detained, questioned, and smeared with menstrual blood at a football game, then stop fucking praying to Allah for the Saints to lose. Sheeeit.

Man one of the other things that's been on the news is this so called hunger strike them tareists had at Gautamanamo Bay. Whatever dude, they was just fasting like good Moslems is supposed to do but the liberous media distorted the truth. The enemy combatants weren't protesting shit. They love it there. They were just thankful that the American troops was letting them practice their religion and its Five Pillars such as fasting, praying, and having electrodes placed on your genitals.

A Hollaween Story

Yo Happy Hollaween you all! What did y'all dress up as? I was invited to this party, but I wasn't so sure what I was going be at first. I just knew that I wanted to go as a scarier monster than I did last year, when I went as Predident George. Finally I decided to go as a 7'2'' 350 lbs. version of one of the cancer-causing strains of the Human Papilloma Virus. Unfortunately, this other dude I know came dressed up as a vaccine that is almost 100% effective in immunizing against my particular strain of HPV. I thought the shit was going to hit the fan, but then lucky for me all these conservatives came to my aid and killed the other dude, thereby leaving me free to cause cancerous lesions on the cervixes of more than ten thousand American women annually. Preventing cancer is wrong if there's a chance it might lead to increased sexual activity among teenagers. Abstinence is more important than life. Cancer isn't the disease; promiscuity is the disease and cancer is the cure. This was the best Hollaween ever. I love my fellow humans.

WHITE SOCKS WIN THA WORLD SERIES!!!!

AWWW JEEEAHHH!!!!! Man y'all seen how them White Socks cremated the Astros? HA HA in your face Carl Rove! HA HA. White Socks 4-life! The Miami Heat of baseballs!!! This is like the 15th year in a row an American team has won the World Series!!! HA HA American pride 4-life!!! What the matter is, France?!?!? Bitches!!! Cuba sux!!! Japan is lame!! HA HA Fuck you Castro!! You ain't got no penis! HA HA!!! Carl Rove sux!!! HA HA where is Korea?!?!?!


Frank Thomas is kewl.

Wednesday Morning Endangered Species Intercourse Blogging (Part the Second)

Is y'all ready? I mean, is y'all really ready??? Ready for the wonder that is..... WEDNESDAY MORNING ENDANGERED SPECIES INTERCOURSE BLOGGING!!!!! Fa sho!!! I know I had promised y'all unicorns and all, but that fell through. Turns out that one of the unicorns in the picture I took was underage, so I can't post it without getting into legal trouble. Fret not, though, 'cause what I got for you is even better. Here is some kinky goings on between a alligator and a Burmese python:


This is why you should always use a condom.

I ain't never known that alligators and pythons was into S&M.

Forget the Alamo

Oh man, y’all heard of this city named San Antonio? Man they been trying to take away our Saints from the N.O. But shit, ain’t they got enough teams in Texas? They got like 8 already, 9 if you count the Texas Texans of Houston. Man, San Antonio is practically in Mexico! Might as well give Nicaragua their own franchise. They got all dem Hispanicals who watch futbol instead of football. Plus the name "San Antonio Saints" would violate my rule against retardedly redundant sports franchise monikers. Saint Anthony Saints?!?!? How you goan do dat?!?

The worst part is that most of the Saints players actually want to relocate to San Antonio. What bullshit. Stop bitching about having to fly all the way from San Antonio to Baton Rouge for home games. And please for god’s fucking sake stop bitching about having to be “uprooted” from San Antonio because you just signed the lease on your brand new luxury condo. Wow, such strong ties to S.A. after just a couple of months? Must be quite a charming city! I’m sure the Katrina refugees who lost everything, including their jobs, and who now have to live in shelters, trailers, hotels, etc. without the slightest clue as to how they’ll piece their lives back together will totally empathize with your plight and pray nightly that you receive deliverance from your unfathomably horrendous ordeal. Imagine, having to play 4 home games all the way in fucking Baton Rouge!!! Stay strong, Kendyl Jacox. God will see you through.

The players are also hinting that they prefer the San Antonio crowds over the New Orleans ones. San Antonio fans cheer more often, even when the Saints fuck up. Of course, this is crucial to the Saints, as they fuck up all the time. I think the comparison is unfair since San Antonio fans don’t have the pent-up frustration that results from suffering through mediocrity for 38 years. They’re just happy to have any NFL games played there at all. Just wait till the novelty wears off, Kendyl. Anyway, if they insist that moving to San Antonio, with their larger and more supportive crowds, will lead to better on-field performance, then it’s only fair that we apply this logic further. If the Saints relocate to San Antonio, then the Alamo should relocate to New Orleans. I’m sure New Orleanians would have given Col. Travis, Jim Bowie, Davy Crockett, et al more support than the San Antonians did. Maybe with the increased crowd support, they might have actually won the Battle of the Alamo.

Say Tom Benson, what would it take for you to stay in the NOLA? What if we agree to change the franchise’s name to the “New Orleans Bensons” and have Robert Guillame as the mascot??? Then would you stay? I’m sure that would satisfy your cavernous ego. Being the namesake of an NFL franchise is a legacy not many people can claim. But if you choose to move the Saints, let me warn you: I will be seriously pissed. And believe me, Mr. Benson, you do not want to get on the bad side of this 7’8’’, 450 pound negro. No sir. The New Orleans Saints have pretty much become a fundamental part of the city, so that’s where they belong. They are old as shit, while the San Antonio Saints are merely old as shit from the future.

Baseballs

Man y’all heard of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim??? Fuck them. They used to be the Anaheim Angels and that made sense, but then they had to go and change their name. “Los Angeles Angels”??? What the fuck is that? That is the most retarded, redundant bullshit I’ve ever heard of. I’m amazed that they haven't realized how fucking idiotic their name sounds. It's like having a franchise named the St. Louis Louises. Or worse yet, the St. Louis Lewises. Or worst ever, the Washington Texans of Anaheim (who play all their home games in Puerto Rico). Maybe the White Socks should change their name to match the stupidity of the Angels. They can be the Chicago Chicagos of Chicagoland including northwest Indiana.

But anyway, man y’all seen that game the other night? That shit was some kind of entertaining. Man I couldn’t tell if Pope Josh Paul caught that ball or not, this picture makes it seem like he didn’t. It don’t even matter, long as the White Socks win.

Wednesday Morning Endangered Species Intercourse Blogging

Yo, y'all, it's Wednesday again...so you know what that means!!! Yes, that's right, it's time for our newest recurring feature: WEDNESDAY MORNING ENDANGERED SPECIES INTERCOURSE BLOGGING!!! Fa sho!!! This week, I have for my faithful readers...

UNICORNS!!!






Ha ha, psych! Tricked the fuck out of you, you fat homos! It's really a couple of pandas. But I promise, next week, unicorns.

Support Our Whoops

"As you know, you facilitate another country's civil war with the Army you have. They're not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time. " ~ Ronald Dumbsfeld

George Bush doesn't care about black people

…and it seems a lot of other people don’t either. Man lately there've been so many shitheads finally expressing their latent racism. I've never seen such a repulsive case of blaming the victims. All it took were some reports of terrible shit going down at the Superdome and Convention Center, and these shitheads' hateful paranoid views of black people were confirmed, thus rationalizing and excusing the unforgivably slow response by the goverment. After all, why should anyone give them food, they're shooting at the helicopters!!! Instead of helping the most vulnerable amongst them, young (black) men are preying on them!!! If it had been us (whiteys) in their place, why we'd be a paragon of civility!!! Blah blah blah. But check it y'all, all that mass looting, stabbing, killing, and raping that was reportedly going on at the Superdome and Convention Center??? Well, actually, turns out that shit never happened!!! Damn, whatever happened to fact-checking??? Well at least we have the story correct now, albeit a month too late.

The real tragedy is that all those unsubstantiated rumors were a crucial reason that help was delayed. Lots of those aforementioned paranoid shitheads were advocating sending the military down there not to distribute aid, but to shoot looters!!! Native New Orleanians fucking know better. We know the fucking deal. Even had things been as bad as advertised in the Superdome, we know that the military could be deployed to solely distribute aid. The responsibility to restore order to the Superdome could easily be handled by the legendary DOME PATROL. Let's see people kill each other with Rickey Jackson and Pat Swilling barreling towards them at full speed, mere nanoseconds away from delivering a bone-crushing blow. You might think you can have your way with a helpless pretty young thing you got cornered in the restroom, but then WHOOMP!, there Vaughan Johnson is, coming right at you with the brutal sack. Fourth and 18, bitches!!! Looks like you'll have to punt. You think you can terrorize the eldery and infirm and get away with it? GHOST OF SAM MILLS DON'T PLAY THAT!!!

The biggest goddamn crisis in the history of this country, or, CHA-CHING!!!

Yo y'all. I haven't been posting lately cuz fuck it. You know? But man, something I read the other day pissed me off so much I just had to share it with you all. By now yuh all probably heard of this thing called Katrina (or as Laura Bush would say, "Hurricane Corrina") that completely leveled portions of America's Gulf Coast, including Trent Lott's house. I think I heard that it damaged New Orleans as well, so now comes the time to undertake the difficult task of determining how to best rebuild that city. I think (or at least hope) that the majority of people would want Newer Orleans to have basically the same spirit and temperament as New Orleans, of course with the addition of a more sound levee system and at least some semblance of a decent functioning mass transit system. However, my fear is that some hardcore Conservatives in government have a far more sinister plan for Newer Orleans. Here’s an excerpt from the article that pissed me off:

"The desire to bring conservative, free-market ideas to the Gulf Coast is white hot," says Rep. Mike Pence, the Indiana Republican who leads the Republican Study Group, an influential caucus of conservative House members. "We want to turn the Gulf Coast into a magnet for free enterprise. The last thing we want is a federal city where New Orleans once was."

“Where New Orleans once was”?!?!? Fuck you, Mike Pence! There's already some evidence that Republicans are going to use the rebuilding of New Orleans as their own personal laboratory to finally observe the real-life effects of some of their crazier pet theories which would never gain approval through normal legislative avenues, but they usually disguise their true aims in the form of vague assurances that New Orleans will be rebuilt "bigger and better". It’s actually nice to see such a candid quote in which the real intentions of the Conservatives are laid bare. New Orleans was too eccentric and unkempt for their liking, what with all those French-sounding street names, all those drunken dissolute tourists, and of course all those Negroes and their infernal jazz. Plus, not enough skyscrapers. But luckily God has given them this blessed crisitunity and they can now remake New Orleans to cater to the sensibilities of this tool and millions like him:



"I presume to know exactly how to rebuild New Orleans even though my state can't figure out what goddamn time zone to use."

Excuse my French everybody in America

Aight so since I last posted, something rather drastic has happened (y'all know what salad I'm talkin' bout). I won't post anything substantive or coherent about Katrina yet, mainly because I can't. This blog was meant for stupid random funny shit about sports and politics, so I can't really post about something that's been as difficult to get my head around as Katrina. I guess I'll just ramble now for a bit. For the past week I haven't been able to think or act properly. And for some reason it's been far more confusing than I'd thought it would be. The reason for my confusion is what I'll ramble on about now. It's not even about the thousands of innocent people who have died or the hundreds of thousands of survivors who have nothing to go back to or all the friends and family I was worried about. Those things are concrete, and I guess humans are wired to know how to respond to them. Grief, anger, helplessness, hope, whatever it is that you'll feel, at least it's something, and at least it's not vague and inarticulate. So I guess the confusion lies in losing something abstract and conceptual. We pretty much lost the city of New Orleans. At least for the moment, at least as we used to know it. The slowly creeping awareness of that loss is the most extraordinary and unfamiliar feeling I have ever encountered. How do you make sense out of that? What does that even mean, to lose an entire fucking city? This is some Pompeii or Atlantis type shit we're talking about here. I guess since a lot of people who read my blog are from Waleeziana you might understand where I'm coming from and at least shed some light on this.

Anyway for those who are alright, let me know what you are up to now. I haven't been able to call anyone on account of no working cell phones. I've been worried about how everyone will get back on their feet. Also, how are everyone's houses holding up? My house apparently didn't have any water in it but it did have some structural damage. I was looking through the satellite images online and I think I notced some extensive damage to EJ's roof. But then again things can be hard to make out in those pictures. If you want to check out some pics here's the site. Are y'all gonna try to go back to the city as soon as it becomes inhabitabIe again? My parents have been saying that they want to move out for good. My mom is sick of living in constant fear of flooding so she mentioned moving back to Bangladesh. Perhaps the irony was lost on her. I want to go back and help rebuild. I guess since I can't call y'all, let me know what's up in the comments. And Fatty, if you're reading this, we gotta come up with a rap tribute (or maybe just make some additions to "70003").

OK, anyway, I'll be back to writing stupidass giggle-inducing posts in a bit, but until then here's something that may tide y'all over. 




Separated at birth???

Fuck you.

Speechless (except for the "fuck you" part).

New Orleans is in bed with the Sadam!

Yo y'all, sorry I ain't been watering my blog lately, but I was over in La Grande Facile getting my personal leave on. Yass indeed. I needed a vacation from my vocation so I went to a different location where the TV had mo' stations. I'm from those parts originally so I usually like visiting, but this time was different. Man y'all know that the Liberals have overrun the city and taken control? They joined forces with their best friends, the Islamofascists, so now Islam is the official religion of the city. Them Liberals is even started calling it "the Crescent City". Man can you believe the audacitude?! Pretty soon the Saints is gonna be renamed the New Orleans Mullahs. Or maybe the New Orleans Mohammeds and the Saintsations would be replaced with the Ji-hotties. Or even the New Orleans Husseins of Anaheim.


Yo, Saddam, I just scored another touchdown... where my 72 virgins be at?

Harry Potter is a for true American hero

Yo I just got done reading the new episode of Harry Potter. In case you don’t know, it's called Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Man that was some good shit! Harry Potter is kewl. This was the best one so far. Now that all the wizards is all grown up you get to see sides of them that you never like saw before. Some revelations are totally obvious (Ron=cokehead? Duh!) while others are mindblowing (Neville=doesn’t shower! Hermione=dyslexic!). My favorite part is when Cho is all freaking out 'cause she's pregnant and she and Harry don't know what to do, so then Hermione strolls in with her wand and is all like "Aborto Patronum!". Sex ed at Hogwarts is kewl.

If you don’t want to hear any more spoilers (like who Harry is killed by) then I advise you to stop reading right now. This book is a departure from the previous ones in that it is very obviously meant to serve as an allegory to present times. Many characters and situations in the book are thinly veiled references to specific contemporary people and events. For instance, the Half-Blood Prince winds up being an animagus named Abu Musab al-Barkowee who turns into a dog and terrorizes Crookshanks. Also Dumbledore begins calling himself "President Dumbleya" and declares war on Beauxbatons, figuring that they're just a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys so the war will be a cakewalk. Dumbledore's Army is re-established and Harry is made Commander-in-Chief. Members of Slytherin show their support by slapping magnetic yellow ribbons on their brooms. Quidditch is temporarily cancelled. Fleur Delacour is suspected of being an enemy combatant and sent to a luxurious detainee camp in the tropical Shetland Islands, where she receives two kinds of fruit.

We're also offered lots of insight into Draco's personality. It turns out that he's been a closet case all along. He reluctantly decides to come out to his father Lucius who, having recently been apprised of the merits of sodomy during his stay at Azkaban Prison, is overjoyed by Draco's confession. Buoyed by his father's approval, Draco temporarily becomes a changed young man, even going so far as to join Dumbledore's Army as the War against Beauxbatons escalates. However, Harry soon kicks him out of Dumbledore's Army for being in violation of its "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" policy.

There are a few parts of the book that I'm not too keen on. Every so often, for no reason at all, there are blatant corporate tie-ins. I understand that Harry Potter is a multi-billion dollar multimedia franchise and all, but still there should be limits. Do we really need to know what kind of toothpaste Ginny uses? Or that the Yule Ball was catered by Applebee's? Or that Hermione never misses an episode of Veronica Mars? Or that Snape just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance? And Jared from Subway as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor?! Come on now!

Tom Tancredo is a for true American hero

Yo, y'all haerd of this dude Tom Tancredo? He's a Congreesman from Colorado and man he said some shit the other day in a radio interview with Pat Campbell from WFLA in Rolando, Flordia. Check it out:

Pat Campbell: Worst case scenario, if they do have these nukes inside the borders and they were to use something like that — what would our response be?

Tom Tancredo: What would be the response? You know, there are things that you could threaten to do before something like that happens and then you may have to do afterwards that are quite draconian.

Campbell: Such as...

Tancredo: Well, what if you said something like — if this happens in the United States, and we determine that it is the result of extremist, fundamentalist Muslims, um, you know, you could take out their holy sites ...

Campbell: You're talking about bombing Mecca.

Tancredo: Yeah. What if you said — what if you said that we recognize that this is the ultimate threat to the United States — therefore this is the ultimate threat, this is the ultimate response. I mean, I don't know, I'm just throwing out there some ideas because it seems to me...at that point in time you would be talking about taking the most draconian measures you could possibly imagine and because other than that all you could do is once again tighten up internally.

Man that is what I'm talking about! Finally a member of government is brave enough to say what every patriotic American has been thinking all along. It takes some big rocky mountain oysters to say some shit like that. I mean, fair is fair. When al Qaeda attacks us, it's like all Muslims are attacking us. And since all Muslims live in Mecca, boom. And anyway they started it by bombing our holiest site, the Pentagon.

Carl Rove is a for true American hero

Yo man, y'all heard of this dude Carl Rove? I saw on the news how he outed this CIA covert operative named Calorie Blame (I don't want to get in trouble with the law for publishing her real name so I am using a fake name). So anyways Carl is in trouble with the law 'cause what he done be all treasonous and illegal and whatsuch. People been savaging him in the press and calling for his resignation but frankly I don't see what the big hub-bub is. People think it's such a travesty to out CIA agents but I say good riddance. We don't need any homos in the CIA anyway.

I can't dig it

Yo, Shaqdaddy back up in this bitch! I'd like to thank Spencer James for so aptly guest blogging. Man y'all heard what happened up in London the other day? That shit was whack. I say next time the G-8 leaders should hold their summit at an al Qaeda training camp so then when them al Qaedans want send a message they would have to bomb their own shit. The way them Londoners was reacting to all this shit was pretty impressive. They seems all calm and not obsessed with vengeance and ready to go on with they lives. Just like most of them NYCers was after nine elevens. But we all know how long that shit lasted here in America. What does y'all think will be the result of this attack? Y'all think that them Britainese peoples will increase their presence in the Iraqs, or will they do like Spain and legalize gay marriage? Will this attack make it more or less likely that they help us out with our impending war with Iran? And what about the Falkland Islands?

Well anyway, I don't know what the British think, but I do know a good way to gauge public opinion in America: just go to the Times Picayune's website (that's the major daily newspaper in New Orleans) and read the message boards there. We all know that New Orleans is one of the nation's most politically savvy metropoles. The people there are not at all racist, reactionary, and shuttered. They're all like really well-informed and shit. I learned a lot from them. They had lots of good ideas on how to fight the tareist threat. Such as:

(punctuation, grammar, and spelling have been copied verbatim)

"The only solution to terrorism is to deport all muslims in America who have immigrated in the past 20 years, and to prevent future immigration."

"Dealing with these people reminds me of dealing with that critter in "Alien." Sooner or later, we will have to break out the flame throwers and toast them down to the last egg. Every one sems to be a festering pot of latent hostility, needing only some suggestion to run amok and violate every civilized rule."

"In this case religion DOES define reality. The religion is Islam, and the reality is they want us dead."

"Go Bush! exterminate the terrorist scum."

"At some point, even the most limpdìck libnut will have to say "ENOUGH" and join in the rat hunt. Once such a hunt is started in earnest, it will not stop until there are no more targets. It wil be bloody and whole chunks of cities will be erased in the process. Don't cry over such losses - they are trivial in comparison to allowing crime and terror to continue. Thank God we still have our guns. God and Sam Colt will win the day for us. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition."

"...most white girls who have black b/fs or husbands are total slobs that no self respecting white guy would be seen with."

"Nuke ‘em. Turn the mountains of afganistan into the worlds biggest pile of burning embers."

"I’m afraid Democracy is not the best form of government for resisting terrorism."

"Bombing London - was it alQueda OR was it the French? I don't think they took that 2012 Olympic decision too well. Either way, I don't think the U.S. or Britain would mind striking back. It would be kind of fun to retake Paris again. We could string barbed wire around it and make it into a big Euro-Guantanamo. Lousy climate, but better food."

"I know that our borders are sieves for Terrorist Actifity and also believe illegal immigration is an economic and cultural disaster for the USA!!"

"They were in bed with the Sadam!"

"Sterotyoing is blaming something on a particular race. For example:Muslem-Blowing things up.Blacks-Carjacking,killing their own kind into extinction, sucking the blood out of the government for every penny they can put their useless hands can.White-Hardworking and paying there own way. Sterotyping isn't wrong, if it's true hardcore facts."

"All Muslims should be put on a big camel and sent back to their homeland."

"You are ridiculous souding when you mis-spell words. It's realiZe. What a douchebag."

"I think that once we get to know Muslims and meet them one-on-one, visit their families, eat their food, walk a mile in their sandals, etc, then we will want to treat them the way the folks in the Balkans treat them. That is, to make them extinct."

"Bush is a liberal."

"Beware my fellow Americans, the enemy is closer than YOU think, perhaps your Muslim neighbor or your doctor or professor, beware my fellow Americans. Don't trust them."

"Extermination is a big job, and an unpleasant one, but so is changing a diaper, but it has to be done. If not now, then when? A billion people, more or less. We are not talking about an endangered species, only that part of our 7 billion that has turned rogue. So why not face up to reality and say "It's them or us." It's what THEY think, say, and do, so we better start doing the same or else you will find yourself face-down on a prayer rug with your butt sticking up at just the right angle for you-know-what. And they will gladly do it, too. And your daughters will wind up as wives #34 and 35 to some snaggletoothed sheik who will have them shoveling horse poop in the stable he will maintain in the former St.Louis cathedral. They will set back human progress to the 7th century or beyond if they can. I for one wish they would just go back to the sands from which they and the vilest scorpions spring. But I know in my heart that only force will prevail and that force means extermination, to the best of our ability, so help us God."

So there you have it. I hope y'all learned as much as I did. I gotta go talk to my folks and see whether or not Hurricane Penis is coming their way. I fucking hate these Islamofascist hurricanes.

FOURTH OF JULY GUEST-BLOGGING!!!

Salutations to all, 'tis none other than I, Evan Spencer Jacobs!!! In case you've been wondering why Shaq-Fu hasn't updated his blog in a few days, it's because he's been too busy visiting me in the N-Y-C. While we're both in town together, we thought it would be cute if we guest-posted on each other's blog. So here goes!

Boy I tell you, that Shaquille is one tall Negro. So tall, in fact, that it took no longer than a matter of hours before his height got us into a fight. It seems that the clumsy homosexual has difficulty adjusting to the stronger gravity that is found in New York's many underground sub-ways. The increased gravity, combined with his grotesquely tall frame, made it impossible for him to hurdle over a sweet old lady's feet as he made his way to his seat. He grazed the old lady's shin, ruining her life, making life-long enemies of all the other people on the subway, and severely damaging New York's bid to host the 2012 Olympics.

Having to play tour guide to Shaq has been an unbearable chore. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy's best friend. Being seen in public with him sucks monkey balls. His ethnicity precludes us from dining in any of the finer establishments to which my refined palate is so accustomed. Since he's been in town my diet has consisted of nothing but Cheetos and dick.

Also, staying with him for a few days has exposed me to some of his bizarre and disturbing personal habits. For instance, when smoking weed he has to say grace before every hit. He watches TV with his eyes closed. He bites his toenails. 9/11 may have changed everything, but it couldn't make him change his underwear. Most appaling of all, he pees standing up. What in the name of the Unknown Soldier is that?

Well, I gotta go now. I have a busy day ahead of me. It's been a couple of months since the operation, so the girlfriend and I can finally have relations.

Be sure to check out my blog, Anal Spitoon. Now with more spit!

Also, check out this new blog about my Jewish brethren: www.youhavebeenchosen.com.

Happy 4th of July, everybody!!! Remember, we're better than Hitler!


Update: We're also better than Mao.

Competition

Man, y'all heard that former NBA-great Dominique Wilkins has a blog now as well? Shit, just when I thought I was the only baller blogger. It's cool, though, 'cause I welcome the competition. Pretty soon the Intronet will consist of nothing but former and current NBA players' blogs. And lots of hardcore gay porn. Well, anyways, the address of his site is www.dominiquewilkins.blogspot.com. It's a pretty great place to get the latest developments in the world of salsa. Go visit and give him some pointers.

The rice pilaf defense

Yo, y'all heard of all this controversy regarding that one Senatorial cat from Illannoy? Man that dude Dick Turban be hating himself some America. President George is kind enough to send a lucky group of terrists to summer camp in beautiful, sun drenched Cuba, and this is the thanks he gets? Amnesty International and the Democrats have a skewed definition of torture. Oh no, I accidentally left the air conditioner on 65 when I know you like it better in the 70s! Torture!!! Whoops, we're out of Diet Coke, will a normal Coke do? Torture!!! Heavens, your lemonade has too much ice in it! Torture!!!! Boo hoo, you're being sodomized with a glow stick! Torture!!! Oh, you've been chained by your wrists to the ceiling of your cell and left there to die! Torture!!! What a bunch of crybaby liberals.

And even if our treatment of the terrists did escalate beyond the level of normal frat hi-jinks (which it didn't and never will), so what? They shoulda thought about that before they let people with the same skin color as them fly planes into them buildings we used to have up North. Nine elevens changed everything. Now we need to improve our intelligence, which is why George came up with the plan to ship all the smartest terrists to Guyanamanato so they could help tutor our troops. But sometimes those terrists is too busy playing soccer or boogie-boarding or praying, and they don't feel like improving our military intelligence. Well that's when we gots to give them an incentive. When I was little and my mom wanted to get me to study, she would routinely place electrodes on my genitals and beat me to death, all the while smearing my face with undergarments soaked in menstrual blood. And you know what? I got a 33 on the ACT. Similarly, forcing the tourists to defecate on themselves will ensure that they are able to provide more intelligence to Our Troops. Thus, our troops will do better on the LSAT than al Qaeda. They'll get to go to better law schools and make more money, and then at the War on Terror 25 year reunion they'll be able to brag about it to all them poor-ass Camry-driving al Qaedans.

Well, anyways, the most important fact is that we feed our detainees so well. Back in their home countries, they would have to hunt for their own food! But at Guamtanamo they get sumptuous banquets consisting of lemon chicken, rice pilaf, and 2 kinds of fruit! Lemon chicken, motherfuckers!!! So what if we chained them to the floor for hours at a time without food or water? They got to eat lemon chicken!!! So what if they had to defecate on themselves and were going insane to the point of tearing out their own hair? We fed them lemon chicken!!! AND RICE PILAF!!! MOTHERFUCKING LEMON CHICKEN AND RICE PILAF, YOU AMERICA HATING MOTHERFUCKERS!!! FUCK!! You know what I had for dinner last night? A baloney sandwich! Y'all can torture me all you want, long as you give me some rice pilaf! I don't even know what the hell that is, but it sure sounds good! And yet Dick Turban be comparing us to Pol Pot. Talk about losing all sense of proportion. I've had Pol Pot's lemon chicken and rice pilaf. The chicken was dry, and the rice didn’t have enough pilaf in it. Senator Turban's rash analogy was a slap in the face to all those who have bravely suffered through mediocre entrées. I hope he is forced to make a tearful apology on the Senate floor. The American people should make it known that we will not stand idly by while our brave mess hall chefs are being slandered by the Demoncrats. Comparing the culinary masterpieces of our military chefs to the bland gruel offered up by the Nazis is beyond the pale. We cook better than the Nazis!!! We have more courses, provide cleaner silverware, use only free-range chicken, avoid all genetically modified produce, and offer low-carb options in case there are any terrists on the Atkins diet. Senator Turban may as well be wearing a turban, with all the America hating he engages in.

Carl Everett, Philosopher

Yo y'all heard of this dude Carl Everett? He plays for my favorite baseball team. Yes, that's right, he is a Chicago White Sock. Anyways that cat is like the Shaq of baseball-- he is always full of interesting quotes. Such as:

~ "Congressmen are being idiots."

~ "Biblically, there's no mention of dinosaurs."

~ "Every year they come out with a different dinosaur movie, so does that mean that that dinosaur existed?"

~ "You rarely see poor people kill themselves."

~ "Gays being gay is wrong."

~ "Nothing feels better than sex. Unless you are talking about going to heaven."

~ "I don't believe in being gay."

~ "Peter Gammons sucks."

~ "I used to like Rod Stewart. I like Rod Stewart's music."

Man if he starts giving more interviews, he may soon surpass Charles Barkley in terms of quotability. I'm not scared though, cause he's not even close to surpassing me. In other news, y'all seen how irrawaddy in the club is being beat by them White Sox? I hear that Frank Thomas is even going to come out with another book called The Conquest of Cool 2: How to Hit 5 Home Runs in 25 At-Bats.

Hoin' for the Revolution

Man now that it's the offseason and all, I have a lot more time to watch the news on TV. Y'all heard about this lady they got on the MSNBC called Norah O'Donnell? She's their White House correspondent, or "The White Ho" as they've recently taken to calling her. She's pretty and all, but her reporting lacks substance… and what's with all the blinking? I'm telling you, the blinking is crazy. Out of hand. So anyway, I'm watching her the other night, mesmerized by the blinking, trying to make sense of it all, when it suddenly hits me: Nora O'Donnell is really a member of the Revolution and her duty is to transmit critical top-secret messages by blinking in Morse code during her deceptively vapid fluffpieces. Being well-versed in Morse code, I was able to decipher the hidden messages in her latest report. Imagine how hard it must be to simultaneously process two completely distinct and contradictory trains of thought and communicate one train verbally while communicating the other through a series of precisely timed blinks. The woman is a genius and hardly anyone else even realizes it. Here is the transcript for Hardball with Chris Matthews, 6/7/05:

(What her mouth said:)

NORAH O'DONNELL: Our top story in Washington today, President Bush cut short his scripted Q&A session with carefully pre-selected reporters due to a tummy ache. It was widely speculated that Bush's achey-wakey was the result of an ill-advised bedtime snack. A Senior Administration Official confirmed that this was in fact the case, and that the snack in question was a bag of airplane pretzels.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Foiled again by his old nemesis?

O'DONNELL: Yes, as it were. But we should also note that this marks a significant moment of personal growth for the President. After all, in order for any given food to produce a tummy ache, it must be chewed, swallowed, and digested.

MATTHEWS: You make a good point. How will this affect his approval rating?

O'DONNELL: It's too early to say, but it's clear that the Democrats have no answer for this.

MATTHEWS: Now what about Howard Dean's comment that Bush "can't stomach the truth"?

O'DONNELL: Equating 'pretzels' with 'truth' is a typically heavy-handed and desperate ploy by the Democrats. Granted, the truth can be hard or soft, oftentimes it can be twisted, and it is best taken with a grain of salt, but ultimately this is a misleading and inflammatory analogy that will fail to resonate with the American people.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, that seems about right. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks for the report Nora.

O'DONNELL: My pleasure. Thanks for having me on.

(What her eyes said:)

NORAH O'DONNELL: President Bush is a puppet of the exploitative capitalist ruling class! Down with greedy parasitic industrialists! Down with the fascist corporate state! They will soon receive their comeuppance!

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Foiled again by his old nemesis?

O'DONNELL: Old nemesis? Ha! We are a force without precedent. Our numbers are growing by the hour. With each slight against the working class perpetrated by Bush and his handlers, our strength multiplies. Soon our mounting resentment will need release. We will burst through the dam of tyranny and unleash a flood of retribution upon Bush and his cronies, the severity and ruthlessness of which would be heretofore unseen in the annals of human history.

MATTHEWS: You make a good point. How will this affect his approval rating?

O'DONNELL: Ha! Given the unspeakably diabolical plans we have for him, I'd say that approval ratings are the least of his concerns. Again, ha!

MATTHEWS: Now what about Howard Dean's comment that Bush "can't stomach the truth"?

O'DONNELL: Are you even paying attention to me? Are you so foolhardy as to ignore the power and scope of the Revolution? Do you not realize that you too will be subject to our wrath? Do you not fear the terrible fate that awaits you? Rest assured, Chris, when the Revolution comes we will not hesitate to mete out punishment to all those who enabled Bush's atrocities. Cowardly, uncritical reporters such as yourself should and will be treated on par with the maniacal murderers you helped bring to power.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, that seems about right. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks for the report Nora.

O'DONNELL: We will not rest until the Potomac runs red with Republican blood and the gentle greenery of the Mall is bleached with the bones of Conservative dead! Thanks for having me on.

Fuck Detroit

Man did y'all see my Heat lose to the Detroit Pistons of Anaheim the other day? Fuck losing. Fuck the Pistons. The other day my boy Dwyane asked me what a 'piston' was. I told him, "Sheeeit, I just piston your gatorade!" We had a good laugh, but I don’t think he realized I was being serious. I think all pro sports franchises should add the suffix "-of Anaheim" to their name. I ran that idea by Coach Stan the other day but he didn’t like it. He said I should devote more of my time to practicing three frows and less of it to being stupid. But I don’t care, I still like my idea. I am proud to play in the National Basketball Association of Anaheim.

"This may take a few minutes, if you have a large blog."

That shit always makes me giggle.

Quran Quran

Yo wulzup yuh all??? Y'all heard of all this ish regarding Newsweek? In case you haven't heard yet, it turns out that several copies of the Quran were flushed down the toilet at a Newsweek office party. Riots ensued around the glizzobe when the Islamic world found out about Newsweek's blasphemy. More than a dozen people have died due to these riots, and Newsweek's circulation in Kabul has declined precipitously. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Ayatollah Sistani were to issue a fatwa against Newsweek.

The outrage surrounding Newsweek's desecration of the Quran reminds me a lot of a similar situation that occurred around 20 years ago. When I was a little kid I used to love the Iranian synth-pop group Quran Quran, who rose to prominence in the early 80's on the strength of such pro-religion songs as "Crescent Moon on Monday" and "Hungry Like the Wolf (During Ramadan)". However, they incurred the wrath of conservative clerics as their career took a slightly more secular turn with the incendiary singles "Human Images on Film" and "Save a Prayer", which radio stations refused to play until they recorded an edited version entitled "Save 5 Prayers". Even as Quran Quran topped the charts, a fatwa was issued against them in late 1987. Their career never recovered.

That brings us back to Newsweek. What does y'all think will happen if Ayatollah Itoldya declares a fatwa on them? Will it start a trend of fatwas being issued against every company that desecrates the Quran? That could cause a lot of problems for a lot of people. You probably wouldn’t realize it at first, but a lot of the U.S. economy is predicated on the desecration of the Quran. Most construction companies fortify their concrete with shredded bits of Quran. KFC feeds its chickens a mixture of antibiotics, other chickens, and Quran pulp. Finely ground fragments of Quran make their way into most of our domestically produced grain products, as well as many other food/beverage goods. Ever wonder what gives orange juice its brilliant orangy glow? You guessed it, Quran scraps! And of course I don’t need to tell you how important the Quran is to the toilet paper industry. So if you enjoy drinking orange juice and having a clean butt, you should boycott Newsweek.

Ode to Fussman

Please don't kill me, Evan and Moez!!!

Yo y'all, how's it hanging? I ain't been able to update the blog too often lately, on account of the playoffs. I love this game. But anyway, y'all remember everybody's favorite monkey, Fussman Rontrez O'Neal bin Urinesauce? Whatever happened to that dude??? I bin Thinkin about him a lot lately, so I decided to post this hastily thrown-together rap what I done wrote last night. Flavor:

Fussman where you be at?/
Cutest kitty in the world/ you best buhlee dat/
Kitty cat of many names/
Now my life just ain't the same/
Wiffout yo urine stains/
You were the original; better than Glonous and Blueprint/
Them fake ass kitties can't even hang with tha True Pimp/
You always kept it real even though you had no testicles/
With you by my side everyday was like a festival/
Comin' home at night after a boring day of Econ/
Grab a beer, sit next to you, and we finnuh get our freak on/
I can tell by your purring, I couldn't ask for a more grateful friend/
While we chillin' with our peeps Tamron Hall and Walter Jacobsen/
My main man Fussman/
You was more than a cat; you was like my husband/

Being single should be illegal

Yo y'all heard about that lady they got over there down South, the one what got her feet cold so she had to go to New Mexico? Of course you have. It was the top story on all the news channels all last week. Unfortunately, lately it seems interest in this story has been waning. The other day I turned on CNN in the hopes of catching up with the latest runaway bride developments, when instead they were covering some bullshit about some war that we're apparently fighting in Iraq or some election that's about to take place in some country called Britain or some unethical shenanigans that some boy named Tom DeLay has been up to or even some nuclear beef we got with Iraq's brother, Iran. But really, who the fuck cares???!?!?!? I mean shit, enough already, stop with all this bulljunk and just focus on what's really important! Marriage is the fundamental building block of society and has been so for 6000 years, ever since God created the universe. The burgeoning runaway bride menace is a mortal enemy of marriage because it flouts the time-honored convention which states that once a woman says 'Yes' to her beau she becomes his property. In fact, I would say that runaway brides pose almost as great a threat to marriage as the insidious Homo-sexual Lobby. The public needs to be informed of these attacks on the very edifice upon which our civilized judeo-Christian heterosexuous society was built. I think there should be a Runaway Bride Channel to help us keep up with the latest in prematrimonial ambivalence. After all, knowing is half the battle.

The other half of the battle is punishment. So, what do y'all think would be sufficient punishment for this woman? I think perhaps 5-10 years in jail and a six-digit fine would be fair. Also, she should be forced to marry her fiance. I don’t recommend the death penalty or anything, since what she did to marriage wasn’t as bad as what the Homo-sexual Lobby does. On the other hand, if it turns out that she was in cahoots with the homo-sexuals, then she deserves severe punishment. I'm thinking maybe transfer her to Guantanamo where she can be gang-married by military interrogators.

Of course, fully crushing the runaway bride menace will require much blood, sweat, tears, saliva, elbow grease, smegma, and various other bodily discharges on our part. I advise that we form Runaway Bride Action Squads in neighborhoods all across the country in order to anticipate and prevent any future runaway bride-related program activities. As Ms. Wilbanks has demonstrated, New Mexico is the hottest destination for runaway brides, presumably due to its proximity to Old Mexico. I am already working with the Minutemen to organize teams of civilian vigilantes to patrol the border and prevent the free movement of runaway brides into and out of these United States. Please people, our future is in our own hands.

Now I'm reading a book

Why? Like Mr. Clinton would say, "because I can".

Irony (Part III)

Rain on your wedding day. Acid rain. And you work for Dow Chemical. And also a fortune cookie specifically stated that this would happen. And even more also, Alanis Morrisette writes a song based on your plight. But you're not around to hear it, since you die during the ceremony. But not due to the acid rain, no, you die due to the protective anti-acid rain wedding dress you've worn as a precaution (see, you listened to the fortune cookie) which, unbeknownst to you, was made in a factory that also processed peanuts, to which you are allergic.

Oh I'm writing a musical

So far it's about the usual shit, i.e. Christianity, young love, and genital mutilation. Also, there's some music in it. Anybody have any suggestions? Should I even bother doing this? It's taking time away from other potentially more productive pursuits. I hate you all.

Irony (Part II)

Freedom isn't free.

Who will be the next Pope?

What's up, homos??? How y'all been living? I haven't been too well lately. I've been thinking a lot about the death of my personal hero, Pope John Paul Jones. Sure, his death was tragic, but what was even worse was the utter lack of dignity afforded to him during his last months. It was, in my opinion, cruel and sick for his handlers to parade him before podiums, balconies, and other public arenas when he was obviously out of sorts and incapable of functioning normally. It got to the point where watching him on TV in that state was like watching fucking Weekend at Bernie's. But luckily, just like Weekend at Bernie's, the Papacy will soon have a sequel! The election process began today, but the results were inconclusive. I’m not really all that sure how the whole process works. It’s all too arcane for me. I think at first each candidate has to gather 100 signatures and file a formal application with the Vatican City Election Commission. Then primaries are held to whittle the field a bit. After this, the pared-down list of hopefuls are put to a vote by all male landowners in Vatican City, with each neighborhood receiving a pre-specified number of Cardinals to act as Electors in the Electoral College. The number of electoral votes given to each neighborhood is commensurate with the number of Starbucks per capita. Then the Holy Spirit tokes up, filling the sky with a thick plume of smoke, and if the groundhog sees its shadow, then a new Pope is born. So that brings us to the question of the week: who will be the new Pope? Will it be:

Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, avid tennis player and even more avid hater of homosexuals? He is considered to have views similar to Pope John Paul Jones. If elected he would be the first African Pope in modern times.

Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga, relatively liberal 62 year old head of the Church in Honduras? Throughout his career he has worked on behalf of workers’ rights and debt relief. He is also widely thought to be the most well-endowed of all the candidates.

Charles Barkley, outspoken former NBA great and current on-air personality for TNT? His per game averages of 22.1 points and 11.7 rebounds make him one of the best power forwards in NBA history.

Claudio Hummes, Archbishop of Sao Paolo? If elected, his main initiative will be to build a missile defense system to shield Vatican City from any potential attack from arch nemesis San Marino.

Bill Gates, software tycoon and current Pope of Microsoft? He is really rich and lives in a big house.

…and finally,

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, second most powerful man in Vatican City during Pope John Paul Jones’ papacy? Things are looking up for him; in fact, he is now the odds-on favorite to win it all. He’s also the only candidate with his own Fan Club. However, with such popularity also comes increased scrutiny. Much has been made of his checkered past, especially his membership in the Hitler Youth. There has been an outpouring of activist groups who have taken to the streets of Vatican City chanting anti-Ratzinger slogans. To wit:

Roberto Benigni, celebrity face of the Anyone But Ratzinger political action committee.

Declare the pennies on your eyes

Yo, how y'all been being? Sorry that I've been negligent in my 'sponsibilities to my flavorful readership by not posting in a while, but I swear I got a good excuse. I been bizzy paying my taxes. This is the worst time of the year, by far. At no other time of year are the gross injustices inherent in the American system of government so apparent as they are now. I work hard all year centering for the Miami Heat, so I certainly don't think it's too much to ask that I be able to keep the fruits of my labor. However, Uncle Sam doesn't seem to agree. Get this y'all... even with President George's task cuts for the rich, I still owe the federal gubmint $48!!! Can you fucking believe that shit!?! What an egregious violation of natural law! What a flagrant infringement on individual liberty! FORTY-EIGHT OF MY HARD EARNED DOLLARS going to build infrastructure in rural Kentucky or provide lifesaving medical care to poverty-stricken children in Philadelphia or strenghten customs security in vulnerable ports or protect our soldiers in Iraqs or some other gay shit that those homo liberals have managed to come up with. Fucking greedy-ass liberals whining for more federal moneys so they can pay the salaries of radical leftwing professors. Give me a mocha frappin' break. I need that money to help grow the economy.

p/s Happy Birthday to Yad-Yad! (y'know, since he reads this blog and all)