The rice pilaf defense

Yo, y'all heard of all this controversy regarding that one Senatorial cat from Illannoy? Man that dude Dick Turban be hating himself some America. President George is kind enough to send a lucky group of terrists to summer camp in beautiful, sun drenched Cuba, and this is the thanks he gets? Amnesty International and the Democrats have a skewed definition of torture. Oh no, I accidentally left the air conditioner on 65 when I know you like it better in the 70s! Torture!!! Whoops, we're out of Diet Coke, will a normal Coke do? Torture!!! Heavens, your lemonade has too much ice in it! Torture!!!! Boo hoo, you're being sodomized with a glow stick! Torture!!! Oh, you've been chained by your wrists to the ceiling of your cell and left there to die! Torture!!! What a bunch of crybaby liberals.

And even if our treatment of the terrists did escalate beyond the level of normal frat hi-jinks (which it didn't and never will), so what? They shoulda thought about that before they let people with the same skin color as them fly planes into them buildings we used to have up North. Nine elevens changed everything. Now we need to improve our intelligence, which is why George came up with the plan to ship all the smartest terrists to Guyanamanato so they could help tutor our troops. But sometimes those terrists is too busy playing soccer or boogie-boarding or praying, and they don't feel like improving our military intelligence. Well that's when we gots to give them an incentive. When I was little and my mom wanted to get me to study, she would routinely place electrodes on my genitals and beat me to death, all the while smearing my face with undergarments soaked in menstrual blood. And you know what? I got a 33 on the ACT. Similarly, forcing the tourists to defecate on themselves will ensure that they are able to provide more intelligence to Our Troops. Thus, our troops will do better on the LSAT than al Qaeda. They'll get to go to better law schools and make more money, and then at the War on Terror 25 year reunion they'll be able to brag about it to all them poor-ass Camry-driving al Qaedans.

Well, anyways, the most important fact is that we feed our detainees so well. Back in their home countries, they would have to hunt for their own food! But at Guamtanamo they get sumptuous banquets consisting of lemon chicken, rice pilaf, and 2 kinds of fruit! Lemon chicken, motherfuckers!!! So what if we chained them to the floor for hours at a time without food or water? They got to eat lemon chicken!!! So what if they had to defecate on themselves and were going insane to the point of tearing out their own hair? We fed them lemon chicken!!! AND RICE PILAF!!! MOTHERFUCKING LEMON CHICKEN AND RICE PILAF, YOU AMERICA HATING MOTHERFUCKERS!!! FUCK!! You know what I had for dinner last night? A baloney sandwich! Y'all can torture me all you want, long as you give me some rice pilaf! I don't even know what the hell that is, but it sure sounds good! And yet Dick Turban be comparing us to Pol Pot. Talk about losing all sense of proportion. I've had Pol Pot's lemon chicken and rice pilaf. The chicken was dry, and the rice didn’t have enough pilaf in it. Senator Turban's rash analogy was a slap in the face to all those who have bravely suffered through mediocre entrées. I hope he is forced to make a tearful apology on the Senate floor. The American people should make it known that we will not stand idly by while our brave mess hall chefs are being slandered by the Demoncrats. Comparing the culinary masterpieces of our military chefs to the bland gruel offered up by the Nazis is beyond the pale. We cook better than the Nazis!!! We have more courses, provide cleaner silverware, use only free-range chicken, avoid all genetically modified produce, and offer low-carb options in case there are any terrists on the Atkins diet. Senator Turban may as well be wearing a turban, with all the America hating he engages in.