Cocaine Brothers

Haha say y'all heard of this crack-smoking Canadanian dude Rob Ford?  He's the current Mayor of Canada and his brother Drug Ford is a City Councillor.  The Fords of Toronto are a political dynasty much like the Fords of Detroit are an automotive and losing football dynasty.  Rob Ford hails from a part of Toronto called, appropriately enough, Etobicoke.  He's only 44 years old but he's got one of those faces of meth things going on where he looks like he's actually in his 60s.  He'd be great as Toronto's official mascot or Town Crier or comically fat Sheriff, but as Mayor he leaves a lot to be desired.  In addition to the whole crack scandal he's been accused of corruption, racism, sexual harassment, plus this one time he fell down while trying to throw a football and it was pretty hilarious.  I guess Canadians are just as stupid about their politicians as we Americans are, seeing as how Ford has refused to step down yet still has ardent supporters.

Rob Ford sound asleep at a city council meeting held for some reason at Caesar's Palace.

Everyone's having a field day making fun of Rob Ford's striking resemblance to such plumpy spheres as Chris Farley, Rush Limbaugh, John Wayne Gacy, and Grimace, but if you ask me Ford looks and acts most similar to Baron Harkonnen from the movie Dune. 

Crack is the mind-killer.  Crack is the little death that brings total obliteration.

I think ol’ Baron Fordkonnen should lay off the spice, know what I’m saying?  Looks like he’s been trained by the Denny’s Gesserit, am I right?   

Upon his election in 2010  he was hailed by Canadian conservatives as the arrival of the Kwisatz Haderach, a long awaited messianic figure who would lead them to a position of supreme power not just in Toronto, but throughout all of Ontario and even into the Maritime Provinces that's a thing right?  Those are real places?  I don't know much about Canadia.  Unfortunately for Canadian conservatives, after this scandal Ford is looking more like an Ersatz Cadillac. 

As if the crack scandal wasn't enough of a PR nightmare, Ford later badly bungled a press conference held for the express purpose of denying allegations of sexual harassment.  Talking about his accuser, he said (apparently without any regard for how poorly his crudeness would go over) that he would never "eat her pussy" because he was happily married and thus "had enough to eat at home."  

Speaking of having enough to eat at home, guess who doesn't?  That's right, poor Americans who have to resort to government assistance such as food stamps just to, as Dubya would say, put food on their family.  Well a lot of assholes in Congress want to require hungry poor people to pass a drug test in order to be eligible to receive food stamps.  One such asshole is Representative Trey Radel, a Republican (big surprise) from Florida (shocker!).  Radel's stance would be fine (albeit heartless) if he himself hadn't pled guilty to cocaine possession a couple of weeks ago.  So now this hypocritical piece of shit has, unlike Ford, agreed to take a leave of absence and go to rehab.  I suppose this is a good thing, but I'd have preferred if Radel's response to getting caught was even crazier than Ford's.  Like he and his fellow Congressional druggies (and you just know there's a bunch of them) should have dressed as Native Americans and taken to the Potomac to dump gallons upon gallons of their drug-tainted urine samples into it.  And maybe afterwards they could set up a plank and force poor people to walk it, and upon splashing into the freshly beurined waters the poors would be greeted by a bunch of Pee Party Congressional interns dressed as alligators and armed with hacksaws.  The internagator who emerged from the Potomac with the most trophies (aka amputated poor person hands) would win like a $50 Starbucks gift card or something.  I dunno, maybe an iPod Nano also if that's even a thing anymore. 

Phin de siecle

Damn y’all heard of the Miami Dolphins?  That team is in turmoil fa sho ever since it was revealed that this dude Richie (yes really that’s his real first name, he’s an adult human male with the first name Richie) Incognito (yes really that’s his real last name, not a vestige of a stage-named porn past or something the FBI dreamed up as part of the witness relocation program, he’s an adult human male with the last name Incognito) has been hazing/harassing/tormenting/extorting his Fins teammate and fellow offensive lineman Jonathan Martin.  The Dolphins already kicked Incognito off the team so now the poor guy doesn’t even have a beach to take his talents to.  

People have been asking me if there was any hazing in the NBA.  There was a little bit of the veterans giving the rooks a hard time, but nothing like what goes down in the NFL.  I mean sure, there was this one time I urinated in ma boy Dwyane Wade's Gatorade, but c'mon, that was classic!  We were playing the Detroit Pistons and he asked me what a 'piston' even was, so I said to him, I said "SHEEEIT, I JUST 'PISTON' YOUR GATORADE SON OH SHIT BURN SON AH HA HA LOLZ!!!"  We all had a good laugh about it once he got out of the hospital.  Oh yeah, we went on to win the NBA championship the next season.  I don't think that's a coincidence.  

So there you go, scientific proof that hazing works, at least in the NBA.  I think maybe, maybe Incognito took things too far, but more likely he's just misunderstood, right?  So he called Martin a “half-nigger” which let’s be real, coming from a racist that’s really like half a compliment.  And so he threatened to shit in Martin’s mouth which let’s be real, coming from a developmentally arrested manboy that’s actually kinda sweet.  And then he went on to threaten to slap Martin’s mom across the face which let’s be real, coming from an irredeemably psychopathic asshole that’s actually somewhat considerate.  Hmm now that I think about it, I totally agree with the surprisingly large number of NFL players, sports media, and fans on Team Richie who say that Jonathan Martin was being a wuss by not fighting back.  

Yes, all you concussion-addled former and current NFLers and all you meathead athlete-manque Twitter warriors who took Incognito's side during all this, you are completely correct.  Jonathan Martin's refusal to inflict physical harm on a teammate is just another example of what so many of the leading intellectual lights of the Intertubes are calling the "pussification" of the NFL.  Don't you just love that word, "pussification"?  What a marvelous pejorative.  After all, what could be worse than a vagina, amirite???  What we need to do is promote the PENISIFICATION OF MURKA!  Back in, for instance, Mike Ditka's time you could unwind after a long hard girthy day of tackling your sweaty tights-wearing fellow man by filling a sock with ejaculate quarters and swinging it right in your secret crush rookie teammate's face and breaking his sweet trusting heart eye socket LIKE A REAL MAN WOULD.  If in the fevered attempt to prove your manhood you wind up forgetting your humanity, so what?  That's just medial collateral ligament damage IT HAPPENS IN WAR ALL THE TIME LOOK IT UP EINSTEIN.  FOOTBALL IS ANALOGOUS TO WAR AND PEPPERING THE INTERWEBS WITH PAEANS CELEBRATING LOCKER ROOM ABUSE IS JUST LIKE GOING ON A USO TOUR.  Man all this poissonification of the NFL is driving me crazy I mean dolphins aren't fish first of all.  USING VIOLENCE TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS IS THE AMERICAN DREAM, but we all know that thanks to Obama the American Dream is dead.  I HOPE YOUR HAPY LIBRULS.
  
The worst part of this whole scandal was when Obama got on TV and said that if he had a fat son he would look just like Jonathan Martin.  And then upon winning reelection Chris Christie went on the air to announce if he had a clone he would look just like Richie Incognito.  Not to be outdone, Toronto mayor Rob Ford held a tear-filled press conference where he affirmed that if he had an American son he would look just like Richie Incognito.  But then Rush Limbaugh outdid them all by announcing that Richie Incognito was in fact his biological son, which pretty much explains everything about this whole mess. 

Full disclosure, I actually met Incognito once at a charity golf tournament in Miami.  I could tell he was a disturbed dude by the way he was treating one of the female volunteers (and I don’t mean Candace Parker).  He was poking at the woman’s vagina with his golf club (and curiously enough, I didn’t hear any meatheads complaining then that he was contributing to the "pussification" of golf).  I’ve seen insecure men use all sorts of things as a surrogate penis but that was definitely the first time I got to check off “9-iron” on my copy of Surrogate Penis Bingo.   

Speaking of surrogate penises, Incognito’s SUV had one of those “Eracism” bumper stickers so I didn’t have him pegged as a racist but turns out it was just an advertisement for his racist website.

God Hates Spags

Awww steeznart say y’all heard of this sport called football?  It's pretty much like basketball but without the dribbling and you have to wear tights instead of shorts.  As a child I actually dreamt of being an NFL running back before experiencing an unfortunate growth spurt.  No one wanted a 7'2" 350 pound halfback so I had to settle for being the best basketball player in NBA history.  Anyway it's the middle of football season and I'm excited because my favorite team, the New Orleans Saints, are 6-2 and on top of their division.  It's a substantial improvement from last year's disastrous 7-9 record.  The biggest reasons for the Saints' success this year are the return of head coach/Juicy Fruit enthusiast Sean Payton and the arrival of new defensive coordinator/carbohydrate enthusiast Rob Ryan. 

The Saints got rid of last year's defensive coordinator, Steve Spagnuolo, after just one season.  That might seem a bit rash but keep in mind that the Saints defense was statistically the worst defense of all time.  OF ALL TIME.  You know your shit is weak when Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church are protesting your defense’s ineptitude.  Apparently the 4-3 defense is an abomination in the eyes our Lord, so Phelps and his congregation picketed outside the Superdome before every home game last season, refusing to leave until Saints management promised to hire a new defensive coordinator and install a 3-4 defense.  

Now I'm no fan of Fred Phelps, but I gotta give him props for his role in convincing the Saints to bring in Rob Ryan.  Those Westboro Baptist Church folk may have some strange ideas about sexuality and funeral etiquette, but their church doctrine regarding NFL defensive schemes is surprisingly logical and well constructed.  As the Bible teaches us in Numbers 3:4,

“Nadab and Abihu, however, fell dead before the LORD when they made an offering with unauthorized fire before him in the Desert of Sinai.  They had no sons; so only Eleazar and Ithamar served as priests during the lifetime of their father Aaron.” 

I’m no expert of Biblical exegesis but even a layman can see that this passage prophesies that the switch to a 3-4 defense will lead the Saints to the promised land, i.e. East Rutherford, New Jersey for Super Bowl XLVIII where Rob Ryan, Sean Payton, and Drew Brees will direct the Saints to a dominant 38-10 victory over Jason Campbell's resurgent Cleveland Browns.  Sorry Browns fans.  I just don't think this is your year.