Shaq-Fil-A

Damn y'all heard of the First Amendment?  That's the one that says God hates fags.  But anyway, them liberal elitists been boycotting this fast food establishment Chick-Fil-A just because its President and Chief Operating Officer has donated millions of dollars to anti-gay groups.  So what if Chick-Fil-A is against gay marriage?  God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.  Marriage is between a man and a woman, not Amanda and a woman.  Whatever happened to freedom of speech?  If conservative Christians want to devote their time, energy, and money to making the lives of millions of their fellow humans miserable, then that's their right and of course they shouldn't be questioned or challenged in any way whatsoever because they are truly doing God's work here on this giant blue teardrop known as Urf that's hurtling around and around in space like a drunk driver, damned to eternally be in pursuit of a destination it'll never reach.  And also the moon is its sidecar, I suppose.  Anyway, the point is that Christians shouldn't be penalized for exercising their right to believe in freedom and Jesus and the freedom to Jesus. 

Now, some people might think that eating greasy fried chicken isn't exactly the most important part of being a Christian.  Might someone's faith be better expressed by accosting people outside an abortion clinic, protesting a soldier's funeral, or creating a profile at Christian Mingle?  Sure, but we can't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.  Even a cursory reading of the Bible makes it clear that God wants people to eschew the heathenous liberal abomination of hamburgers served at such dens of iniquity as Arby's and Five Guys, with their Satanic red meat and blasphemous horsey sauce.  Of course God wants people to eat mor chikin.  God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Beef. 

So conservatives are swarming into Chick-Fil-As all over the country, temporarily casting aside their impeccably healthy lifestyles in order to indulge their greasetooth in Jesus' name.  Good for them (I guess gluttony isn't a sin anymore?).  Maybe some liberals will want to boycott the delicious artery clogging holiness of Chick-Fil-A due to Chick-Fil-A's supporters raising such a fuss about defending "traditional family values", to which I say don't hate the dinner, hate the din.  Just because Chick-Fil-A is full of hateful bigots, that don't make the chicken any less greasy and fattening and therefore delicious.  By boycotting Chick-Fil-A, you're really just boycotting your cardiologist and liposuctioneer.  A better reason to boycott Chick-Fil-A is the horrible example their beloved cow mascots set for our children.  Their atrocious spelling is reason enough for me to forbid little Shaquilla from eating there.  Really Chick-Fil-A, how hard is it to find literate cows for your ubiquitious ad campaigns? 

Moo didn't build that!