Forget the Alamo

Oh man, y’all heard of this city named San Antonio? Man they been trying to take away our Saints from the N.O. But shit, ain’t they got enough teams in Texas? They got like 8 already, 9 if you count the Texas Texans of Houston. Man, San Antonio is practically in Mexico! Might as well give Nicaragua their own franchise. They got all dem Hispanicals who watch futbol instead of football. Plus the name "San Antonio Saints" would violate my rule against retardedly redundant sports franchise monikers. Saint Anthony Saints?!?!? How you goan do dat?!?

The worst part is that most of the Saints players actually want to relocate to San Antonio. What bullshit. Stop bitching about having to fly all the way from San Antonio to Baton Rouge for home games. And please for god’s fucking sake stop bitching about having to be “uprooted” from San Antonio because you just signed the lease on your brand new luxury condo. Wow, such strong ties to S.A. after just a couple of months? Must be quite a charming city! I’m sure the Katrina refugees who lost everything, including their jobs, and who now have to live in shelters, trailers, hotels, etc. without the slightest clue as to how they’ll piece their lives back together will totally empathize with your plight and pray nightly that you receive deliverance from your unfathomably horrendous ordeal. Imagine, having to play 4 home games all the way in fucking Baton Rouge!!! Stay strong, Kendyl Jacox. God will see you through.

The players are also hinting that they prefer the San Antonio crowds over the New Orleans ones. San Antonio fans cheer more often, even when the Saints fuck up. Of course, this is crucial to the Saints, as they fuck up all the time. I think the comparison is unfair since San Antonio fans don’t have the pent-up frustration that results from suffering through mediocrity for 38 years. They’re just happy to have any NFL games played there at all. Just wait till the novelty wears off, Kendyl. Anyway, if they insist that moving to San Antonio, with their larger and more supportive crowds, will lead to better on-field performance, then it’s only fair that we apply this logic further. If the Saints relocate to San Antonio, then the Alamo should relocate to New Orleans. I’m sure New Orleanians would have given Col. Travis, Jim Bowie, Davy Crockett, et al more support than the San Antonians did. Maybe with the increased crowd support, they might have actually won the Battle of the Alamo.

Say Tom Benson, what would it take for you to stay in the NOLA? What if we agree to change the franchise’s name to the “New Orleans Bensons” and have Robert Guillame as the mascot??? Then would you stay? I’m sure that would satisfy your cavernous ego. Being the namesake of an NFL franchise is a legacy not many people can claim. But if you choose to move the Saints, let me warn you: I will be seriously pissed. And believe me, Mr. Benson, you do not want to get on the bad side of this 7’8’’, 450 pound negro. No sir. The New Orleans Saints have pretty much become a fundamental part of the city, so that’s where they belong. They are old as shit, while the San Antonio Saints are merely old as shit from the future.