Competition

Man, y'all heard that former NBA-great Dominique Wilkins has a blog now as well? Shit, just when I thought I was the only baller blogger. It's cool, though, 'cause I welcome the competition. Pretty soon the Intronet will consist of nothing but former and current NBA players' blogs. And lots of hardcore gay porn. Well, anyways, the address of his site is www.dominiquewilkins.blogspot.com. It's a pretty great place to get the latest developments in the world of salsa. Go visit and give him some pointers.

The rice pilaf defense

Yo, y'all heard of all this controversy regarding that one Senatorial cat from Illannoy? Man that dude Dick Turban be hating himself some America. President George is kind enough to send a lucky group of terrists to summer camp in beautiful, sun drenched Cuba, and this is the thanks he gets? Amnesty International and the Democrats have a skewed definition of torture. Oh no, I accidentally left the air conditioner on 65 when I know you like it better in the 70s! Torture!!! Whoops, we're out of Diet Coke, will a normal Coke do? Torture!!! Heavens, your lemonade has too much ice in it! Torture!!!! Boo hoo, you're being sodomized with a glow stick! Torture!!! Oh, you've been chained by your wrists to the ceiling of your cell and left there to die! Torture!!! What a bunch of crybaby liberals.

And even if our treatment of the terrists did escalate beyond the level of normal frat hi-jinks (which it didn't and never will), so what? They shoulda thought about that before they let people with the same skin color as them fly planes into them buildings we used to have up North. Nine elevens changed everything. Now we need to improve our intelligence, which is why George came up with the plan to ship all the smartest terrists to Guyanamanato so they could help tutor our troops. But sometimes those terrists is too busy playing soccer or boogie-boarding or praying, and they don't feel like improving our military intelligence. Well that's when we gots to give them an incentive. When I was little and my mom wanted to get me to study, she would routinely place electrodes on my genitals and beat me to death, all the while smearing my face with undergarments soaked in menstrual blood. And you know what? I got a 33 on the ACT. Similarly, forcing the tourists to defecate on themselves will ensure that they are able to provide more intelligence to Our Troops. Thus, our troops will do better on the LSAT than al Qaeda. They'll get to go to better law schools and make more money, and then at the War on Terror 25 year reunion they'll be able to brag about it to all them poor-ass Camry-driving al Qaedans.

Well, anyways, the most important fact is that we feed our detainees so well. Back in their home countries, they would have to hunt for their own food! But at Guamtanamo they get sumptuous banquets consisting of lemon chicken, rice pilaf, and 2 kinds of fruit! Lemon chicken, motherfuckers!!! So what if we chained them to the floor for hours at a time without food or water? They got to eat lemon chicken!!! So what if they had to defecate on themselves and were going insane to the point of tearing out their own hair? We fed them lemon chicken!!! AND RICE PILAF!!! MOTHERFUCKING LEMON CHICKEN AND RICE PILAF, YOU AMERICA HATING MOTHERFUCKERS!!! FUCK!! You know what I had for dinner last night? A baloney sandwich! Y'all can torture me all you want, long as you give me some rice pilaf! I don't even know what the hell that is, but it sure sounds good! And yet Dick Turban be comparing us to Pol Pot. Talk about losing all sense of proportion. I've had Pol Pot's lemon chicken and rice pilaf. The chicken was dry, and the rice didn’t have enough pilaf in it. Senator Turban's rash analogy was a slap in the face to all those who have bravely suffered through mediocre entrées. I hope he is forced to make a tearful apology on the Senate floor. The American people should make it known that we will not stand idly by while our brave mess hall chefs are being slandered by the Demoncrats. Comparing the culinary masterpieces of our military chefs to the bland gruel offered up by the Nazis is beyond the pale. We cook better than the Nazis!!! We have more courses, provide cleaner silverware, use only free-range chicken, avoid all genetically modified produce, and offer low-carb options in case there are any terrists on the Atkins diet. Senator Turban may as well be wearing a turban, with all the America hating he engages in.

Carl Everett, Philosopher

Yo y'all heard of this dude Carl Everett? He plays for my favorite baseball team. Yes, that's right, he is a Chicago White Sock. Anyways that cat is like the Shaq of baseball-- he is always full of interesting quotes. Such as:

~ "Congressmen are being idiots."

~ "Biblically, there's no mention of dinosaurs."

~ "Every year they come out with a different dinosaur movie, so does that mean that that dinosaur existed?"

~ "You rarely see poor people kill themselves."

~ "Gays being gay is wrong."

~ "Nothing feels better than sex. Unless you are talking about going to heaven."

~ "I don't believe in being gay."

~ "Peter Gammons sucks."

~ "I used to like Rod Stewart. I like Rod Stewart's music."

Man if he starts giving more interviews, he may soon surpass Charles Barkley in terms of quotability. I'm not scared though, cause he's not even close to surpassing me. In other news, y'all seen how irrawaddy in the club is being beat by them White Sox? I hear that Frank Thomas is even going to come out with another book called The Conquest of Cool 2: How to Hit 5 Home Runs in 25 At-Bats.

Hoin' for the Revolution

Man now that it's the offseason and all, I have a lot more time to watch the news on TV. Y'all heard about this lady they got on the MSNBC called Norah O'Donnell? She's their White House correspondent, or "The White Ho" as they've recently taken to calling her. She's pretty and all, but her reporting lacks substance… and what's with all the blinking? I'm telling you, the blinking is crazy. Out of hand. So anyway, I'm watching her the other night, mesmerized by the blinking, trying to make sense of it all, when it suddenly hits me: Nora O'Donnell is really a member of the Revolution and her duty is to transmit critical top-secret messages by blinking in Morse code during her deceptively vapid fluffpieces. Being well-versed in Morse code, I was able to decipher the hidden messages in her latest report. Imagine how hard it must be to simultaneously process two completely distinct and contradictory trains of thought and communicate one train verbally while communicating the other through a series of precisely timed blinks. The woman is a genius and hardly anyone else even realizes it. Here is the transcript for Hardball with Chris Matthews, 6/7/05:

(What her mouth said:)

NORAH O'DONNELL: Our top story in Washington today, President Bush cut short his scripted Q&A session with carefully pre-selected reporters due to a tummy ache. It was widely speculated that Bush's achey-wakey was the result of an ill-advised bedtime snack. A Senior Administration Official confirmed that this was in fact the case, and that the snack in question was a bag of airplane pretzels.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Foiled again by his old nemesis?

O'DONNELL: Yes, as it were. But we should also note that this marks a significant moment of personal growth for the President. After all, in order for any given food to produce a tummy ache, it must be chewed, swallowed, and digested.

MATTHEWS: You make a good point. How will this affect his approval rating?

O'DONNELL: It's too early to say, but it's clear that the Democrats have no answer for this.

MATTHEWS: Now what about Howard Dean's comment that Bush "can't stomach the truth"?

O'DONNELL: Equating 'pretzels' with 'truth' is a typically heavy-handed and desperate ploy by the Democrats. Granted, the truth can be hard or soft, oftentimes it can be twisted, and it is best taken with a grain of salt, but ultimately this is a misleading and inflammatory analogy that will fail to resonate with the American people.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, that seems about right. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks for the report Nora.

O'DONNELL: My pleasure. Thanks for having me on.

(What her eyes said:)

NORAH O'DONNELL: President Bush is a puppet of the exploitative capitalist ruling class! Down with greedy parasitic industrialists! Down with the fascist corporate state! They will soon receive their comeuppance!

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Foiled again by his old nemesis?

O'DONNELL: Old nemesis? Ha! We are a force without precedent. Our numbers are growing by the hour. With each slight against the working class perpetrated by Bush and his handlers, our strength multiplies. Soon our mounting resentment will need release. We will burst through the dam of tyranny and unleash a flood of retribution upon Bush and his cronies, the severity and ruthlessness of which would be heretofore unseen in the annals of human history.

MATTHEWS: You make a good point. How will this affect his approval rating?

O'DONNELL: Ha! Given the unspeakably diabolical plans we have for him, I'd say that approval ratings are the least of his concerns. Again, ha!

MATTHEWS: Now what about Howard Dean's comment that Bush "can't stomach the truth"?

O'DONNELL: Are you even paying attention to me? Are you so foolhardy as to ignore the power and scope of the Revolution? Do you not realize that you too will be subject to our wrath? Do you not fear the terrible fate that awaits you? Rest assured, Chris, when the Revolution comes we will not hesitate to mete out punishment to all those who enabled Bush's atrocities. Cowardly, uncritical reporters such as yourself should and will be treated on par with the maniacal murderers you helped bring to power.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, that seems about right. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks for the report Nora.

O'DONNELL: We will not rest until the Potomac runs red with Republican blood and the gentle greenery of the Mall is bleached with the bones of Conservative dead! Thanks for having me on.

Fuck Detroit

Man did y'all see my Heat lose to the Detroit Pistons of Anaheim the other day? Fuck losing. Fuck the Pistons. The other day my boy Dwyane asked me what a 'piston' was. I told him, "Sheeeit, I just piston your gatorade!" We had a good laugh, but I don’t think he realized I was being serious. I think all pro sports franchises should add the suffix "-of Anaheim" to their name. I ran that idea by Coach Stan the other day but he didn’t like it. He said I should devote more of my time to practicing three frows and less of it to being stupid. But I don’t care, I still like my idea. I am proud to play in the National Basketball Association of Anaheim.