Who will be the next Pope?

What's up, homos??? How y'all been living? I haven't been too well lately. I've been thinking a lot about the death of my personal hero, Pope John Paul Jones. Sure, his death was tragic, but what was even worse was the utter lack of dignity afforded to him during his last months. It was, in my opinion, cruel and sick for his handlers to parade him before podiums, balconies, and other public arenas when he was obviously out of sorts and incapable of functioning normally. It got to the point where watching him on TV in that state was like watching fucking Weekend at Bernie's. But luckily, just like Weekend at Bernie's, the Papacy will soon have a sequel! The election process began today, but the results were inconclusive. I’m not really all that sure how the whole process works. It’s all too arcane for me. I think at first each candidate has to gather 100 signatures and file a formal application with the Vatican City Election Commission. Then primaries are held to whittle the field a bit. After this, the pared-down list of hopefuls are put to a vote by all male landowners in Vatican City, with each neighborhood receiving a pre-specified number of Cardinals to act as Electors in the Electoral College. The number of electoral votes given to each neighborhood is commensurate with the number of Starbucks per capita. Then the Holy Spirit tokes up, filling the sky with a thick plume of smoke, and if the groundhog sees its shadow, then a new Pope is born. So that brings us to the question of the week: who will be the new Pope? Will it be:

Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, avid tennis player and even more avid hater of homosexuals? He is considered to have views similar to Pope John Paul Jones. If elected he would be the first African Pope in modern times.

Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga, relatively liberal 62 year old head of the Church in Honduras? Throughout his career he has worked on behalf of workers’ rights and debt relief. He is also widely thought to be the most well-endowed of all the candidates.

Charles Barkley, outspoken former NBA great and current on-air personality for TNT? His per game averages of 22.1 points and 11.7 rebounds make him one of the best power forwards in NBA history.

Claudio Hummes, Archbishop of Sao Paolo? If elected, his main initiative will be to build a missile defense system to shield Vatican City from any potential attack from arch nemesis San Marino.

Bill Gates, software tycoon and current Pope of Microsoft? He is really rich and lives in a big house.

…and finally,

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, second most powerful man in Vatican City during Pope John Paul Jones’ papacy? Things are looking up for him; in fact, he is now the odds-on favorite to win it all. He’s also the only candidate with his own Fan Club. However, with such popularity also comes increased scrutiny. Much has been made of his checkered past, especially his membership in the Hitler Youth. There has been an outpouring of activist groups who have taken to the streets of Vatican City chanting anti-Ratzinger slogans. To wit:

Roberto Benigni, celebrity face of the Anyone But Ratzinger political action committee.