Saturday, February 16, 2013

Vatican Wars Episode IV: A New Pope

Say y'all heard this dude Benedict XVI done peaced out as Head Pope of the World?  So then on Tuesday them cardinals and robins up in Vatican City went to this thing called a Concave or a Batcave or something (I'm really not sure because it's been a long while since I've read the Bible) to elect a new Pope.  I wish I could vote for the new Pope but unfortunately I failed to register on time.  Damn Republican voter fraud laws.  

New Pope season is my favorite time of year.  It's much more exciting than March Madness. I can't wait to see who the next Pope will be.  If America is ready for a half-black president then who’s to say the Vatican isn’t ready for a half-Jewish pope?  That would be kewl.  Or maybe Sarah Palin will become the first female Pope?  I wouldn’t be down with that though.  I don’t think women should be Pope, or even be canonized for that matter.  God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and St. Eve.  We already let women be nuns.  Nunneries are like the WNBA of Catholicism.  I don’t care how old and retired I am, you put me in a nunnery and I guarantee I’ll dominate.  It’s a biological fact that women can’t pray as fast as men.   

And another thing, I’m sick of the Pope always being Catholic.  Y’all can’t seriously tell me there isn’t something fishy going on.  Surely it can’t be a coincidence.  I guess Vatican City isn’t an Equal Opportunity Employer.  There should be affirmative action for the position of Pope, or at least some kind of Rooney Rule or something.  So, does the Vatican engage in discriminatory hiring practices?  Uhhh, is the Pope (always) Catholic?


Thursday, February 14, 2013

Love, Shaqtually

Hey y'all, y'all heard of this momantic holiday known as VALENTIMES DAY???  That shit is today so if y'all haven't bought y'alls honeys some flowers and edible arrangements and stuffed animals and edible underwears and what not then y'all best get on that quickly.  I wrote my special lady a romantic poem, check it:

Roses are red/
sometimes.    

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Bottled Watergate

Shit y’all heard about the State of the Union?  That’s this speech what the president has to do every year in front of Congress and a bunch of esteemed guests such as war heroes, Supreme Court justices, and noted self-soiler Ted Nugent.  Of his nationally televised speeches in 2013, I'd rank Obama’s SOTU address a little bit behind his inauguration speech.  But say y’all noticed that Obama has developed a really bad habit of scheduling his most important nationally televised speeches on holidays?  The inauguration was on Martian Luther King Day and the SOTU was on Mardi Gras.  Damn, Obama, I’m tranah get my drink on and my throwcatch on, I don’t have time for all this political shit.   

Anyway, Obama said some stuff about political stuff and what not.  It was pretty standard fare.  The real star of the night was Florida senator Marco Rubio, who delivered the GOP’s rebuttal immediately after Obama’s speech.  The GOP has a storied tradition of allowing its most charismatic rising stars to give the rebuttal, and last night was no different.  Rubio was an excellent choice as he had already captivated America with his inspirational life story, from his parents' daring escape immigration from Castro's Cuba in 1959 Batista's Cuba in 1956 to his swift ascent through the ranks of the Florida Republican establishment, culminating in his 2010 election to the U.S. Senate.  Marco Rubio truly epitomizes the American Dream (and maybe the D.R.E.A.M. Act?).  More importantly, the fact that his family is from Cuba is proof positive that the GOP does not hate Hispanics, just as Mitch McConnell's high stature within the party is proof that the GOP does not hate turtles.   

Rubio showed that he was up to the task, giving an unforgettably stirring and patriotic speech that will no doubt catapult him to national prominence and secure a place for him in the pantheon of GOP rising stars, right next to Bobby Jindal (first Indian –American governor of Louisiana and winner of the 2010 Emmy Award for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy or Musical for his work in 30 Rock) and Michelle Bachmann (first Woman-American Head Counselor at the Marcus Bachmann Institute of Not Being a Gay) 

Unfortunately, most of the lamestream media will remember Rubio’s speech not for the golden-tongued eloquence of his rhetoric or the irrefutable soundness of his fiscal ideas, but for a fleeting faux pas.  Rubio interrupted his speech in mid-sentence to crouch off frame and retrieve a bottle of Poland Spring and take a tiny sip of it, all the while never failing to maintain eye contact with the camera.  This was a surprisingly unpolished breach of television decorum, one that some liberals have even dubbed “Watergate”, presumably as a reference to the Clinton-era real estate scandal Whitewatergate.  I’m not so sure that the whole –gate suffix thing as boilerplate to denote a political scandal will catch on, but whatever. 

Conventional wisdom is saying that Rubio unintentionally made an embarrassing mistake, but I challenge that.  Rufio is playing political chess here.  He wants the media to think he made a gaffe, when really he was just slyly reaching out to an important foreign ally.  Think about it: the water he was drinking was Poland Spring, which is of course a reference to the recent wave of pro-democracy demonstrations sweeping through the former Soviet bloc, demonstrations that no doubt owe much to other contemporary grassroots movements that have spread around the world, from the Arab Spring to the Irish Spring to the Silent Spring.  This was a subtle but no doubt very effective way of expressing our gratitude and validating the support of our most crucial ally in the War on Terror, Poland.  As George Dubya repeatedly reminded John Kerry during that debate in 2004, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE FORGET POLAND MOTHERFUCKER WHAT?  John Kerry proved you can't forget Poland and win the Presidency.  As Poland goes, so goes Murka.  With Poland now at his side, Marco Polo has positioned himself at the head of the pack in the 2016 presidential election.