Salutations to all, ‘tis none other than I, EVAN SPENCER JACOBS!!! You may be wondering what a homosexual Jew such as myself is doing on Shaquille’s blog… well, this Thanksgiving weekend he visited the Jacobs residence in Philadelphia. I pleaded with him to let me guest-blog here since his blog is way cooler than mine and has almost a million times more readers. After a lengthy negotiation session, he finally acquiesced. I've just now started walking again, so here goes…
Wow, this blog is really pink. It’s hard to concentrate on writing something coherent and interesting with all this disorienting pink nonsense surrounding you. Damn Shaq, try something a bit less tacky. Something like, I don’t know, green and white maybe. Ooh I know what I want to write about! I’ll write about Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it, Fangsgibbon. So anyway, Shaq and I are chilling with my famfam the other day, eating turkeys as is the Jewish custom, when BALLS!!! VAGINA!!! TURTLECOCK!!!! LABIA!!! GAYPEOPLE!!!
Oops, sorry, I forgot to mention that I have a mild case of Tourette’s. It makes normal social interaction quite difficult. Now where was I? Oh yeah, Fangsgibbon… well later on we’re all playing basketball (my bro, my Dad, and I versus Shaq) and we’re up 19-15 with the ball in my Dad’s hands. He’s about to put up the winning layup but then ANUS!!! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK TWAT!!! BAAAAALLLLLS!!!
Whew, what’s come over me? It’s like I can’t go more than 5 minutes without saying the word “balls”. But who can blame me? What a beautiful, sonorous, versatile word. It rolls off the tongue so elegantly. You almost wish that it wouldn’t leave your mouth, that you could keep balls in there forever, slowly and tenderly nurturing every letter. But of course gestation must eventually come to an end, and it truly is a bittersweet moment when balls, after fully incubating inside your mouth, finally peeks its newborn head through your teeth and cautiously takes its first steps into the world outside. Soon it will soar confidently through the air, finding harbor in the eardrums of those bystanders lucky enough to be within earshot. As you survey the confused and offended expressions of those around you, it finally hits you: your little baby has achieved audibility. You reach for your handkerchief and MONKEYNARDS!!! MEATUS!!! PENISJIZZ!!! SANTORUM!!!
Not again! Sorry everybody. I guess I’ll end this right now. I’m sure Shaq doesn’t want me littering his blog with any more scatology. My one shot at the big time, and I blow it like a horse’s erect penis. Again, I sincerely apologize if I’ve offended any of the regular readers of this smegma-encrusted monkeycock, I mean blog. I mean smegma-encrusted monkeycock. No, wait, I mean blog. Yes, blog. Ok, I’ll leave now.
And oh yeah, be sure to czech me out on my own blog, The Opinions of a Homosexual Jew.
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