Daughtergate

Oh man, say y’all heard of this Thanksgiving pardoning of a turkey by Obama?  Shit, first Mexicans, now the Turkish, is there ANY ethnic group that Obama won’t grant amnesty to?  And to make things worse, the first daughters were at the pardoning ceremony dressed like a couple of hussies.  This Thanksgiving I’m grateful to Elizabeth Lauten, communications director for Congressman Stephen Lee Fincher (R(duh)-TN), for so astutely pointing out the Obama girls’ disgusting uncouthness.  Sasha and Malia’s irreverent demeanor was completely unbefitting of the gravity of such an august (though it was November) and hallowed (though Halloween is in October) ceremony.  For shame.  Why can’t Sasha and Malia be more polite and courteous like other First Siblings such as Laura and Barbara Bush, Uday and Qusay Hussein, Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Prince William and Harry Potter, Goofus and Gallant, those fat motorcycle twins, or Cain and Abel?  

Let them Ute cake

Damn y’all heard of this meal called lunch?  Back in my day kids used to eat that shit on the daily, but turns out that the compassionate conservatives in Utah have figured out a way to streamline the nutrition delivery system so that poor kids don’t have to eat lunch anymore!  It’s pretty awesome.  If your parents haven’t fully kept up their payments to your school lunch account, then you get to have your slop ladled onto your lunchtray, followed by a moment or so of anticipatory salivation, only to have the tray suddenly snatched out of your hands and thrown into the trash.  I’m not sure if the whole routine is punctuated by a school official pointing and loudly taunting the child, you know, something along the lines of “OH DAMN S.N.A.P. (is how your parents should have paid for your lunch)!” or “YOU JUST (didn’t) GOT SERVED SON” but if not then they should get on that post-haste.  Starving little kids is a good start to raising the next generation to be compliant wage slaves, but having them get used to being mercilessly bullied by authority figures will greatly help accelerate the process.  

Tom Perkins tried to warn people about the impending anti-rich people Cristalnacht but nobody answered the door.  Libruls led by Maobama have already made rich people wear Rolexes as an identifying marker (this generation’s version of the Star of David) so it’s only fair that to even the scales Utah starts some kind of Hitler Ute to make it easier to identify poor children.   

Siempre Coca-Cola

DAYUM y'all heard about this soft drink called Coca-Cola?!?!?!  Man their marketing people are geniuses.  Before Sunday hardly anyone had heard of Coke but now people can’t stop talking about it.  Some people were pissed off at Coke's Super Bowl commercial but really what were they expecting?  “Coca-Cola” is actually an Algonquin term meaning “universal health care” so it’s no surprise that they would make such a left-wing anti-American commercial.  And anyway the controversial commercial isn't even the most egregious example of Coca-Cola's multicultural ethos.  Did y’all know that there exists something called “Mexican Coke” and it’s not even made with high fructose corn syrup, the most American of sweeteners?  Instead it’s made with this thing called cane sugar whatever that is.  Sounds suspiciously like the dreaded “Uncle Sugar” that Mike Huckabee warned us about.  What's worse, shipments of this “Mexican Coke” have actually hopped the border and are unwittingly being bought by our impressionable American youth in grocery stores and bodegas all over this once great nation.  

Everyone threw a fit when Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City wanted to outlaw large sodas but as it turns out the proposed NYC soda ban was a surprisingly prescient opening salvo in the war against the anti-American globalist forces of Big Soda.  I owe you an apology, Mayor Bloomberg.  I used to think that it was every American’s God-given right to drink as much concentrated diabetes juice as his or her heart desired, but now I see that Americans’ soda intake must be strictly regulated lest they imbibe too frequently from the decadent, multicultural, morally depraved chalice of Big Soda.    

I think I speak for most Conservatives when I say THIS IS AMERCIA WE DON’T SPEAK NO FERN LANGAUGES HERE.  As Joe the Plumber said, America is supposed to be a melting pot.  That means when foreigners come here all the bizarre rituals and customs of their native lands are thrown into a boiling pot so they can be cooked down to a manageable size and subsumed by the dominant mainstream American culture, or what sociologists call the Widespread American Social Paradigm.  We'll call it "WASP" for short.  Immigrants to this great land should be encouraged to adopt the WASP way but of course we have to be patient with those who may have trouble adjusting.  Fortunately for these laggards, helpful Conservatives have set up charitable organizations to smooth the transition to the U.S.  One especially notable welcoming committee aimed at immigrant children is the American Representatives for Youth Assimilation and Naturalization.  They're currently working on some much-needed updates to the Statue of Liberty.  Are y'all familiar with Emma Lazarus' "The New Colossus", the poem engraved on the Statue of Liberty's pedestal?  We need a new new Colossus, because according to the old new one, here are the kind of people we're welcoming to America: "tired", "poor", "huddled masses", "wretched refuse", "homeless", "tempest-tost"... I mean, come on, what a downer!  I ask you, is that the kind of example you want America to set for the world?  I want to see a new-look Lady Liberty who can kick ass and take names, and if the name is too foreign sounding, to change said name into something sufficiently Anglo.   

THIS IS MURKA, OUR LAST NAMES HAVE VOWELS IN THEM!

The other day I was on the phone trying to get a prescription refilled when I heard the four words that every God-fearing American hopes they will never ever have to hear: "Para Espanol, oprima dos." A sharp twinge of terror raced down my spine and I immediately threw the phone down and stomped on it until only a pile of dust remained.  It was a terrifying experience that I'll never forget, basically the 9/11 of phone calls.  It was almost enough to make me call 911.  

The foreigners are destroying everything we used to love about this once great nation from INSIDE THE HOUSE.

That's why the founding fathers fought the Revolutionary War, so that their ancestors would be spared the ordeal of having to press an extra button.  I for one will never give up the fight until automated phone menus start catering to us Bible-believing conservative types.  

"For English, press 1.  For a barely literate Southerner attempting to speak English, press 2..."

Now you Tea Partiers might think you’re safe ditching the cola and just drinking iced tea, but check this out… you want proof that Coca-Cola is pro illegal immigration?  Until recently, Coca-Cola had a joint venture with Nestle to produce Nestea.  Hmmm, Nestea…Nestea… sounds kinda like… AMNESTY.  That can’t be a coincidence!  They were even audacious enough to call their energy drink "A.M. Nestea" and market it with the slogan "Wake up, America!" which thankfully replaced their initial slogan "Down with whitey".    

Mourning in America

One thing this controversy has taught me is that some Americans don't even deserve America.  We may live in the same country, but we certainly don't live in the same world.  I guess these old American xenophobes will die off relatively soon, so that's something to look forward to, but can you really ever kill a mindset?  Maybe fighting xenophobia is like fighting terrorism, they're both doomed to fail.  Whatever.  I did my part by writing a interminably long, rambling, snarky blogpost that no one will ever read.  

Armchairmageddon

Damn y’all heard of this thing called weather?  Here in the NOLA we're just now emerging from what was undoubtedly one of the worst weather events in recorded human history, a mini Ice Age that made Younger Dryas look like Fetal Dryas.  People were even giving it dramatic names like Sneauxmageddon (because people here don’t cotton to accurate spelling) or Snowah’s Ark or The Transfiguration of Iced or Weatherpocalypse or well you get the point.  I don’t understand why these weather events always have to be described in Biblical terms.  This isn’t the Bible Belt.  It’s more like if you undid the Bible Belt and maybe the top couple buttons on your linen pants, Louisiana is what would clumsily tumble out.  A moderately sized half chub accidentally unfurled in a drunken moment but thankfully the rest of the country pretends it didn't see anything and everyone can proceed as if nothing untoward happened. 

Anyway most people were safely ensconced in their weather bunkers but those who hadn’t planned ahead (myself included) had to brave 30 degree temperatures to secure adequate disaster provisions.  Before you scoff, let me remind you that’s 30 degrees Fahrenheit.  FAHRENHEIT, I SAY!!!  Rouses was a madhouse.  People were elbowing sweet old ladies clear off their Rascals just to get the last party pack of Abita.  I’m not proud of some of the things I had to do but all’s fair in love and slightly below freezing weather. 

Forgive me God for going Dikembe Mutumbo on this elderly woman. 

Blame Christie for me

Aw damn yo y’all heard of this dude Chris Crispie?  He’s the rotund governor of this place called New Jersey and the presumptive favorite to be the Republican presidential candidate in 2016.  Or at least he was the early favorite, until this Bridgegate scandal broke a few days ago.  When Chris Christie sits around the George Washington Bridge, he really sits AROUND the George Washington Bridge.  Also when he closes three lanes on the George Washington Bride because of a petty quarrel with a political enemy, he really closes three lanes on the George Washington Bridge because of a petty quarrel with a political enemy.  Mark Sokolich may be the mayor of Fort Lee but Chris Christie is the governor of portly.  OOH BURN.  Fat jokes are witty and mature which is why I am making a bunch of them.  With Chris Christie at the helm, even a unicycle is a high occupancy vehicle.  TRENTON ISN'T JUST THE CAPITAL OF NEW JERSEY, IT'S ALSO HOW MUCH CHRIS CHRISTIE WEIGHS.  WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT CHRIS CHRISTIE LIKELY HAS A BMI HIGHER THAN THAT OF THE AVERAGE HUMAN.

Bridgegate is the worst thing Christie's done since that time he worked with President Obama to help his constituents recover from Hurricane Sandy.  I say we should have just let the free market take care of things.  I mean, HELLO, if you can't deal with the destruction that inevitably comes along in the wake of a hurricane, THEN HOW ABOUT YOU DON'T LIVE IN NEW JERSEY, EINSTEIN???!!!? (no offense to actual Einstein, who did live in New Jersey for the latter part of his life).  This is just common sense, people.  You don't want to reward that kind of bad decision making.  But of course President Maobama and Comrade Christie had to go and give New Jerseyans a literal bail out.  Between Bridgegate and HelpingpeopleputtheirlivesbacktogetherafteradevastatingactofGodgate, I'm beginning to regret having my picture taken with him last year. 

I hope this picture doesn't wind up being as infamous as the one of Ronald Dumsfeld and Saddam Hussein from the 80s. 

Speaking of new jerseys I hope that shit the Bulls wore on Christmas doesn’t catch on.  Peace, I’m out like McGreevy.