Get UR Thank On

Yo, y'all heard about yesterday being Thanksgiving? I would've blogged about it yesterday, but I was too bizzy eating turkeys and what not. Anyway, what are y'all thankful for? I told Lord Jesus that I was thankful that the Puritans pulled off Operation Iroquois Freedom successfully. Them redskins wasn't even doing nothing cool with all this land anyways. Now that we liberated them we got cool shit like highways and strip malls and stip clubs and Wal Marts and freedoms. Is y'all thankful for all y'all freedoms? I hope y'all is. What is y'all's favorite freedoms? My favorite freedoms is the freedom to shoot things with big guns and the freedom to marry one person of the opposite sex. Anyways, I hope y'all had a Happy Thanksgiving and that my LSU Tigers win today.

Artested Development

Yo! Just to add a little to my previous post, I been told that Ron Artest, in addition to getting his ass suspended for tha rest of the season, also got his salary taken from him. Damn, David Stern, why you takin' away a woadie's livelihood like that? I wrote a rap to express my solidarity with Ron.

Ain't no one Sterner than David/
Takin' away a Negro's yearly payment/
Damn, Mister Commissioner/
Instead of embracing Lady Liberty/ you be straight-up dissin' her/
Showin' the world the NBA's racial prejudice/
So future generations can read about it in the Summa de Legibus/

Spizz Nencer James been tryin' to tell me that when in Rome I should do as the Romans do and go ballistic on the fans next time them be booin' me at the three frow line. But I say "Fuck Rome, I'm representin' Carthage!"

This kind of shit would never have happened if Kerry had been elected

Check it, that dude Moweez got a kwetchin for my ass:

"...i seen on the bulls schedule that yo ass will be returnin to the united center soon. i could get some tix? i promise that i wont throw no beer on you cuz i wuddnt want yo ass to get suspended for the rest of the seesin like that artist feller. what you think bout what happened to yo colleagues in indiana?"

Man, I was holding off on commenting on that fracas up in D-Troit on account of I don't know what to think of it. That was some crazy sheez-nit. First of all, shame on the fans. Did y'all see how much food and drinks they wasted? It's like they don't even know the definition of wise consumin'!!! I'm sure they gots some folks in the Sudan could use all that wasted popcorn, beer, hot dogs, and such to extend their lives. Y'all seen when Jermaine O'Neal got all that popcorn thrown at him? I bet that negro wasn't even hungry. But still, that doesn't absolve the players. Just because some fans offer you copious amounts of food and drink when you're not hungry or thirsty doesn't mean you can go into the stands and beat the shit out of them, even if they are from D-Troit. What I would have done is said something like, "Thanks, that's very gracious of you to offer, but I had a big lunch before the game, and I'm kind of meeting my wife and kids for burgers after the game, perhaps we can take a raincheck? In the meantime, would you care for an autograph? Okay, you said your name was Greg, n'est-ce pas? Is that one 'g' or two?". And then, next time we played at D-Troit, Gregg and I would go get some steaks. Or maybe a Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich.

That dude Ron Artist got his wish, though. Now he be free to promote his upcoming rap CD, I Ain't Playin' (4 Da Rest of Da Season). Maybe my rap career would have gone better if I didn't have to be stuck making hundreds of millions of dollars playing basketball all year.

And Moweez, no, I can't hook you up with no tickets, on account of your half-Muslim heritage. After that occurence in D-Troit, security been uppened. Tell me, do you think the Chicagoan basketball-watching public would feel safe with a half-Moslem in their midst?

Birthday Rapz

Yo, y'all, it's my boy Mozeboy's birthday today. I wrote this awesome rap in honor of this momentous occasion:

Happy Birthday to you/
Happy Birthday to you/
Happy Birthday/
Happy Birthday/
Happy Birthday to you/

What do y'all think of it?

AG be tha new AG

Yo, y'all, we finnuh keep things on tha political tip for a bit. Y'all heard of this Hispanical boy Alberto Gonzales (his friends call him 'Gonzo') being named the new Attorney General? What's up with that? Bush be liking them minorities and womenfolk. I'm impressed. I used to dislike that one boy George, but now he has proven that he is a truly moral and tolerant man by loading his Cabinet with females, bald men, Hispanicals, Negroes, and the like. But the difficult work of healing this nation's long standing issues with racism will not be finished until Bush nominates an Eskimo to the Supreme Court. I heard them folks got like 50 different words for 'justice'.

Anyway, back to Gonzo...y'all think he'll be better than his predecessor, Ashcroft Johnson? At least Gonzo got the proper initials to be Attorney General. Ashcroft had the proper initials to be A Jackass, and that's exactly what he was. I just hope Gonzo chills out a little with all that torture he been advocating, elsewise Kermit finnuh lay the smackdown.

Finally, a Black Secretary of State!!!

Yo, y'all, I been bizzy playing basketball. Anyway, over at Spiggity Spencer's Homosexual Jewish Blog, he has a post up about Colin Powell being replaced by Condamuhleeza Rice as Secretary of State. I believe the post was entitled "Dr. Rice Determined to be Promoted Within U.S.". At first I ignored him because I thought it was an old post based on historical reporting. But then I verified independently that he was indeed correct. Congrats, Spencer James, for beating the mainstream media on this story. What a scoop. You are proof that the Internets are challenging the traditional concepts of mass media and information exchange. You deserve a Pulitzer, or at least a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant, Wendy's.

Anyway, in my opinion, this was a very smart move. Being a secretary is woman's work, far more befitting Dr. Rice than a manly-man General such as Mr. Powell. Now Mr. Powell can team up with his son Mikey to make sure the unwitting American public isn't ever again subjected to the base spectacle of a blonde woman's bare back on Monday nights. My only question: exactly which state is Dr. Rice now secretary of? I hope it's Florida, 'cause that's where I am. Walt Disney is also here. I heard from Mikey that Walt wasn't too proud on Monday.

Araphat Phat 'N' All That

Yo, how is my peoples on this luxurious Friday morning?!?!? Man, I got some bad news to share with y'all. My boy Dwyane tells me that one Palestinian VJ, Yes Sir Arafat, done died up in Paris some days ago. He was the host of my favorite local access Palestinian rap showcase, Ara-Phat Phat 'N' All That. Now with him gone, how them kids up in Palestein gonna get exposed to new raps? Yo Sir Fatty, is that dude Yes Sir Arafat related to you some how? If so, my condolences go out to you. Here's a little rap I'ma perform at his funeral:

All dem peoples is ill at ease/
What we need is a little peace/
up there in the Middle East/
But that ain't gonna happen/ til y'all respect our abilities/
We tryin' to open a dialogue/ y'all still performin' soliloquies/

And I swear, if I catch just one of y'all suicide bombers using this death as an excuse to get y'alls bomb on, I'ma lay the smack down like you was Shawn Bradley goin' for a windmill dunk. Don't no one can mess wit da Shaqness. I mean that; I'ma fire more shots than Steve Kerr at a 3-Point Shot Contest.

Veteran's Day

Yo, y'all heard that today is Zattarain's Day? Discuss: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.

My lunch with George

Yo, peoples, what it is? Sorry about the lack of posts lately, but I been mad bizzy playing basketball (that's my profession; I play for the Miami Heat). Being on tha road so much, I don't really have time to keep abreast of current affairs. Did Kerry win this election yet? How's that recount thing going? Don't tell Coach Stan, but I'm rethinking trying to win the NBA title this year. If we win, the entire team will have to visit the White House for a barbecue and shake hands with the President. I don't think I'm up to it if Bush is still President. I met him a couple of times when we was winning all those titles with the Lakers, but I didn't realize that he was the President. I thought he was the caterer because he just stood by the buffet the whole time, frowning and eating olives. He stopped once to ask me what "NBA" stood for. I told him it meant "Nigga 'Bout-to-kick-yo' Ass". He started crying, so that Penguin-looking dude came up and gave him some crayons and looseleaf. But he still wouldn't stop crying, so finally we had to go inside and find the TV remote. We took the batteries out and gave the remote to him. That kept him busy the rest of the day.

Abortions for all!

Yo, Shaqdaddy up in this again. If y'all is anything like my hedonist heathen Heat-rootin' ass, y'all is probably still feeling sad from the election. But I been thinking about it, and I got a great way for us Commie-athiest-pinko-yellow-latte drinking-sushi fucking-Jesus hating-Nigger loving faggot libruls to cheer ourselves up... LET'S ALL GET ABORTIONS!!! YAY!!! We better get 'em while we can. You know, whenever life hits a hard patch, my liberal buddies and I just treat ourselves to an abortion and everything is fine again. They're so much fun, and you can't stop at just one. I gave the missus one for our last anniversary, and she's already bugging me for another. My daughter keeps on complaining that she's the only girl in her blue state public school who hasn't had one. I'm playing it cool and telling her that there's absolutely no way she'll get one with the family finances in the condition they're in. But between you and I, let's just say that little Shaquilla will be mighty pleased with what Santa leaves in her stocking come Christmas time.

Gays=Nader of '04???

Man, them homosexualists cost Kerry the election this time. If only gay people stopped wanting to marry each other, maybe we wouldn't have to invade Syria. I just hope them homosensualists don't do like Nader and run for President again in '08. What if Nader is gay and a member of the well-documented and well-existing Homosensual Lobby? That would explain everything. I hear they want to recruit our innocent children to join their movement and toil in their underground lubrication factories. Also they want to infiltrate our public schools and teach classes on how to deepthroat. I also hear they want to replace The Bible with Manchunk Weekly and vaginas with more penises. The worst part is that they want to indoctrinate our children to believe that all people should be treated with respect regardless of their race, religion, or sexual orientation. We have to stop them before it gets out of control. It's about time our great nation realize that orgasming inside a female's vagina is the pinnacle of human morality. So anyway, I gotta go be extra moral with these 7 girls I just met. Later.

59 Million Americans are Idiots

Yo, how y'all been livin'? I'm more or less back from my period of mourning. The basketball season just started, so that may take my mind off the election. Me and my Heat beat the shit out of the Cleveland Cavaliers last night to exact revenge on Ohio for being a bunch of Bush-votin' idiots. More post-election analysis from the Shaqdaddy to come soon. Obama/O'Neal in '08, bay-bee!!!!! That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? The assonance is astounding.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

As starting center for the 2004-2005 Miami Heat, I take full responsibility for today's travesty. My bad. Mon mal. Earlier I may have stated that I was undecided, but while at the polls I firmly made up my mind for John Kerry. I don't know why I didn't see it earlier. Preznit Dubya had all kinds of problems. Fighting terrorisms by pursuing a strategy that would inevitably create countless more terrists. Squandering what international goodwill we received after nine eleven. Doing away with due process and turning America/Guantanamo into a de facto holding cell for brown-skinned people as well as suspected brown-skinned people. Nuturing an unholy alliance between neocons and Evangelicals (one side wants to turn all Palestinians out of Israel so Israel can slip further into a theocratic apartheid state; the other wants to turn all Palestinians out of Israel so Israel can slip further into a theocratic apartheid state so God can come and kill all the Jews and lift the good believers up to Heaven). Filling seemingly every major appointed position with right-wing crazies who eschew reality, science, and critical thought in favor of their intractable crackpot ideologies. Implementing the beginning stages of a fundamental shift of the nation's tax burden from capital onto labor. Running a campaign designed to exploit the public's fears rather than appeal to their hopes. Believing that a variety of the nation's most pressing problems, from pollution to health care to education, could be solved by the magical, eternally beneficial effects of unfettered capitalism. Using doublespeak to couch his radical, elitist, corporate proposals in more palatable populist terms, ie "Help America Vote Act", "Clear Skies Act", "Operation Iraqi Freedom", "Ownership Society", "Operation Slavery was Wrong", etc, etc, etc. Being hookwinked by one of modern history's most notorious liars/frauds, Ahmed Chalabi. Having a 'the ends justify the means' mentality that treated torture of prisoners with appaling nonchalance, fostering the atrocity/frat hijinks at Abu Ga--ga--Abu Ga...reff. Offering, at last count, 20 bajillion different rationales for dragging the U.S. into a war, none of which really panned out. Then carrying out said war in a mind-numbingly ad hoc manner. Then refusing to adjust aforementioned poor planning, 'cause obstinance shows how big our penises are. Having a refusal to admit mistakes that borders on pathological. Declining to take seriously, therefore never learning from, other people's criticism. Hating fags. Constantly chipping away at the Constitution, especially the Constitutionally provided wall between church and state. Never forgetting Poland, but apparently forgetting all about Osama bin Laden (FYI...you better get reacquainted with him...I heard he won a Senate seat from Illinois). Raising twin daughters, both of whom refuse to have sex with me...Yeah, well, obviously I could go on for a while. The scary part: that's just the first four years. Who knows what the future will hold (*sob*). And if we impeach him, Cheney's prez, then Hastert. Not much to look forward to.

I changed my mind, Coach Stan. Trade me to the Raptors!

Vote on November 3rd

Phew!!! Man there I was, worrying about not having enough time to go vote tomorrow, what with practice scheduled to run late and all, when I received a letter in the mail from the Florida Republican Committee, allaying all my fears! It seems that a certain select few have the option of voting on November 3rd instead of November 2nd. That's such a relief, since the polls will probably be packed tomorrow. All these other suckaz racing to go vote, only to find that they have to wait in line for hours. But me, I got da hookup! I'll just roll up to the polling place on Wednesday at my own leisure. Actually, it's not just me... all of my teammates got the same letter. Well, everyone except for Christian Laettner, Matt Freije, Michael Doleac, and J. Prescott Worthington. I guess late voting is a procedure set up especially for wealthy, powerful, and well-respected members of the community (who also happen to be in the starting lineup!!!).

Shaq da Vote

Y'all heard about this election that's supposed to happen tomorrow? I can't wait to get my vote on! I just re-registered in Florida. The good news is that Florida (unlike Cali) is a swing state, so now my vote will actually count. The bad news is that I'm black.

I still don't know for whom to vote. Hopefully some new scandal will break tonight and sway me one way or the other. I guess it's all for naught, anyway, since Osama bin Badness conspired with the NFL to let the Green Bay Packers beat the Washington Redskins yesterday, thereby ensuring that Kerry will win. What does y'all think? Who finnuh win this bitch? Maybe I'll write-in a vote for myself. No matter who wins, we'll need a new Secretary of Defense since that boy Ronald Dumbsfeld is incompetent. He couldn't even defend the low post against Mugsy Bogues. So George or Kerry, if y'all is reading this, feel free to consider me. If some terrist come up in this with an improvised explosive device, I'ma block that shit back to Falluja. Career average of 2.6 blocks per game, bay-bee!!!