Yo momma armpits so hairy, it look like she got Luke Schenscher in a headlock

Man y'all heard of this dude called the NBA Playoffs? AWWWW JEEEAAAHHHH it's that time of the year again! Last year's playoffs was a big disappointment on account of me and ma boy Dwyane getting injured simulatamously. We wound up losing to the Detroit Pisstons in the Eastern Conference Finals. But I swear, this year I'ma take my Heat all the way to the NBA Finals. Unlike last year, we got a deep bench with the likes of Molonzo Warning, Antwone Fisher, and Jason Gilliams. I mean shit, who in the East is gonna stop us??? Seecely, can't nobody in the East stop us, not even King James and his Bible-thumpin' do-goodin' Drew Goodens. The Nets ended the season hot but I ain't afraid of Vince Crater or his bulemic dog. The Pacers do have that rookie what went to Grace King, but urrybody knows that EJ's quiz bowl team beat the shit out of them. The Wizards have been poo ever since Quammy Brown left. I guess I would be scared of meeting the Pistons again this year, but I honestly don't think they'll make it past their first round opponent, the Iraqi Bucks. I predict they go down in seven. Them road games in Baghdad is what's gonna do them in. The Knicks ain't even in the playoffs, so I ain't worried about them. So that brings us to our first round "opponent" (I prefer the term "sacrificial offering"), the Chicago Bulls. MAN FUCK THE CHICAGO BULLS!!! I ain't about to get scared playing a team from Chicago, a city that was named after what might quite possibly be the worst university in the country. Plus, they got a bunch of goofy mofos on they team. That dude Luke Schenscher looks like Napoleon Dynamite. He should just stick to tetherball and feeding llamas.


Can you spot the difference?

HAPPY URF DAY YOU ALL!!!

Man y'all heard about this planet known as Earth? That's the planet where we all be living at. I tell you without Earth we would all be screwed cuz we wouldn't even have no place else to go. There'd be no NBA and I'd be out of a job, probably living in a cardboard box somewhere in the Kuiper Belt or Pluto or some shit. So anyways, today is the day when we all show our appreciation for the Earth by giving it its own day. But shit, just one day? We give secretaries and boxing one day too, and they certainly ain't as important as Urf. Emergency Preparedness gets its own week. Even Jesus gets 12 whole days of Christmas (even though he has to share it with Santa). Black History gets an entire month! Man I hope Earth doesn't get pissed at our lack of gratitude and kick us all out, cuz if we had to move the NBA to the moon that would be bad. The gravity there is so low that my height advantage would be rendered useless.


One giant leap for white people.

To me it look like a leprechaun to me

Man y’all heard of this dude Tom de Lay? That fool just announced that he ain't gonna be seeking reelection to the House, so his political career finnuh be over right quick. I'm glad cuz I don't trust them folk what have French sounding names. They ain't like us. Get a normal name like Shaquille, dammit! The funny (sad) thing is that he still sent out a request for campaign contributions even after he made the decision not to seek reelection. Of course now he can just transfer all that unused money to his Legal Defense Fund. I hope his lying French ass goes to jail for a minute. Or two.

But shit, y'all heard of this leprechaun they got down there in Abalama? Apparently in Mobile there have been numerous sightings of a leprechaun who lives in a tree. Luckily, one of the people who sighted the leprechaun had the photographic memory, artistic acumen, and presence of mind required to produce an exhaustively detailed drawing of it. I saw that shit on the news and immediately noticed that the leprechaun bore an uncanny resemblance to Tom de Lay. I doubt that it's a coincidence. Come to think of it, "le prechaun" sounds a bit French, doesn't it? Damn, Tom de Lay, what is your problem? Living in a tree and scaring little kids like that. I hope you and all your prechaun friends go back to France where that kind of thing isn't frowned at. At the very least the House Ethics Committee (does that thing still exist?) should admonish you. I don't want my Congresspeoples living in a tree and terrorizing locals, especially when the tree in question isn't even in their district.



Could be a crackhead.

Ho dee oten doten day, fattening up our tapeworms

Shit y'all, I'm sorry I ain't bin posting lately but after seeing LSU play the worst game in school history I just haven't been feeling up to it. Damn Baby Shaq, why you had to go and get your ass kicked by some Hollywood liberals from UCLA? Where your tapeworms was at!?!?!?!?! Man all that talk about how hungry their tapeworms was had me feeling all confident and what not. Just look at this picture of Baby Shaq celebrating after the Texas game... check out that huge-ass tapeworm! I thought it was really nice of him to hold up a segment of his tapeworm in his left hand so it could feel like part of the celebration. That's what teamwork is all about. I figured we couldn't lose against UCLA.


Baby Shaq with one tapeworm in his hand, the other in his stomach.

However, from the very start of the UCLA game I noticed something had gone horribly wrong. Baby Shaq seemed out of breath and lethargic the whole game. It was as if the tapeworms in his belly weren't hungry... worse yet, it seemed as though there weren't any tapeworms in his belly at all. I kept on rubbing my eyes just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. Could it be? The biggest game of the entire season, and nary a Tiger with tapeworms to be found on the court??? Sure enough, this picture confirmed my suspicions.


NO TAPEWORMS! :(

Big Baby must have eaten one too many basketballs in the days leading up to the UCLA game. As I'm sure you all know, tapeworms hate the taste of basketballs. His tapeworms must have grown tired of his non-tapeworm friendly diet and jumped ship, leaving him tragically tapeworm-less for the big game. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming Baby Shaq. Coach John Brady should be fired and replaced with someone who has a better knowledge of tapeworms. It's purely up to the coach to teach his team about tapeworm maintenance. It also wouldn't have killed Brady to concentrate more on recruiting some tapeworms. HOW YOU GOAN WIN THE NCAA DIVISION I BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP WITHOUT A BELLY FULL OF HUNGRY TAPEWORMS?!?!?! Don't you know anything about basketball? Back in my day Coach Brown made everyone eat shit so we would get tapeworms. We were the only team in the SEC whose starting 5 all had tapeworms, plus we had a tapeworm or two on scholarship. Of course they banned performance enhancing tapeworms in the NBA, or else I'd still be on that shit.