Yo y'all heard about that lady they got over there down South, the one what got her feet cold so she had to go to New Mexico? Of course you have. It was the top story on all the news channels all last week. Unfortunately, lately it seems interest in this story has been waning. The other day I turned on CNN in the hopes of catching up with the latest runaway bride developments, when instead they were covering some bullshit about some war that we're apparently fighting in Iraq or some election that's about to take place in some country called Britain or some unethical shenanigans that some boy named Tom DeLay has been up to or even some nuclear beef we got with Iraq's brother, Iran. But really, who the fuck cares???!?!?!? I mean shit, enough already, stop with all this bulljunk and just focus on what's really important! Marriage is the fundamental building block of society and has been so for 6000 years, ever since God created the universe. The burgeoning runaway bride menace is a mortal enemy of marriage because it flouts the time-honored convention which states that once a woman says 'Yes' to her beau she becomes his property. In fact, I would say that runaway brides pose almost as great a threat to marriage as the insidious Homo-sexual Lobby. The public needs to be informed of these attacks on the very edifice upon which our civilized judeo-Christian heterosexuous society was built. I think there should be a Runaway Bride Channel to help us keep up with the latest in prematrimonial ambivalence. After all, knowing is half the battle.
The other half of the battle is punishment. So, what do y'all think would be sufficient punishment for this woman? I think perhaps 5-10 years in jail and a six-digit fine would be fair. Also, she should be forced to marry her fiance. I don’t recommend the death penalty or anything, since what she did to marriage wasn’t as bad as what the Homo-sexual Lobby does. On the other hand, if it turns out that she was in cahoots with the homo-sexuals, then she deserves severe punishment. I'm thinking maybe transfer her to Guantanamo where she can be gang-married by military interrogators.
Of course, fully crushing the runaway bride menace will require much blood, sweat, tears, saliva, elbow grease, smegma, and various other bodily discharges on our part. I advise that we form Runaway Bride Action Squads in neighborhoods all across the country in order to anticipate and prevent any future runaway bride-related program activities. As Ms. Wilbanks has demonstrated, New Mexico is the hottest destination for runaway brides, presumably due to its proximity to Old Mexico. I am already working with the Minutemen to organize teams of civilian vigilantes to patrol the border and prevent the free movement of runaway brides into and out of these United States. Please people, our future is in our own hands.
2 comments:
from the ny times:
"More than half of Kyrgyzstan's married women were snatched from the street by their husbands in a custom known as "ala kachuu," which translates roughly as "grab and run." In its most benign form, it is a kind of elopement, in which a man whisks away a willing girlfriend. But often it is something more violent." April 30, 2005.
What do you think of implementing
this custom in the US? All I can say is "Ala Kachuu -- Bless You!"
Anomalous,
This is great news, thanks for calling it to my attention. Good for Kyrgyzstan. I'm all for implementing it here. If it worked for Hades and Persephone then it's good enough got me. But since our nation is run by liberal perverts, we'd have to make an important limitation: the sacred bond of "ala kachuu" is hereby to be defined as the kidnapping/beatdown/rape/ownership of a Woman by a Man. We can't have women being snatched off the street by lascivious box turtles.
OK, I'll try the bad pun thing too:
I am the Walrus, ala kachuu.
Man you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allen Poe, and then purloining him from off the street and forcibly marrying him and then beating and raping and whisking him.
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