Yo I just got done reading the new episode of Harry Potter. In case you don’t know, it's called Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Man that was some good shit! Harry Potter is kewl. This was the best one so far. Now that all the wizards is all grown up you get to see sides of them that you never like saw before. Some revelations are totally obvious (Ron=cokehead? Duh!) while others are mindblowing (Neville=doesn’t shower! Hermione=dyslexic!). My favorite part is when Cho is all freaking out 'cause she's pregnant and she and Harry don't know what to do, so then Hermione strolls in with her wand and is all like "Aborto Patronum!". Sex ed at Hogwarts is kewl.
If you don’t want to hear any more spoilers (like who Harry is killed by) then I advise you to stop reading right now. This book is a departure from the previous ones in that it is very obviously meant to serve as an allegory to present times. Many characters and situations in the book are thinly veiled references to specific contemporary people and events. For instance, the Half-Blood Prince winds up being an animagus named Abu Musab al-Barkowee who turns into a dog and terrorizes Crookshanks. Also Dumbledore begins calling himself "President Dumbleya" and declares war on Beauxbatons, figuring that they're just a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys so the war will be a cakewalk. Dumbledore's Army is re-established and Harry is made Commander-in-Chief. Members of Slytherin show their support by slapping magnetic yellow ribbons on their brooms. Quidditch is temporarily cancelled. Fleur Delacour is suspected of being an enemy combatant and sent to a luxurious detainee camp in the tropical Shetland Islands, where she receives two kinds of fruit.
We're also offered lots of insight into Draco's personality. It turns out that he's been a closet case all along. He reluctantly decides to come out to his father Lucius who, having recently been apprised of the merits of sodomy during his stay at Azkaban Prison, is overjoyed by Draco's confession. Buoyed by his father's approval, Draco temporarily becomes a changed young man, even going so far as to join Dumbledore's Army as the War against Beauxbatons escalates. However, Harry soon kicks him out of Dumbledore's Army for being in violation of its "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" policy.
There are a few parts of the book that I'm not too keen on. Every so often, for no reason at all, there are blatant corporate tie-ins. I understand that Harry Potter is a multi-billion dollar multimedia franchise and all, but still there should be limits. Do we really need to know what kind of toothpaste Ginny uses? Or that the Yule Ball was catered by Applebee's? Or that Hermione never misses an episode of Veronica Mars? Or that Snape just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance? And Jared from Subway as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor?! Come on now!
Yo, y'all haerd of this dude Tom Tancredo? He's a Congreesman from Colorado and man he said some shit the other day in a radio interview with Pat Campbell from WFLA in Rolando, Flordia. Check it out:
Pat Campbell: Worst case scenario, if they do have these nukes inside the borders and they were to use something like that — what would our response be?
Tom Tancredo: What would be the response? You know, there are things that you could threaten to do before something like that happens and then you may have to do afterwards that are quite draconian.
Campbell: Such as...
Tancredo: Well, what if you said something like — if this happens in the United States, and we determine that it is the result of extremist, fundamentalist Muslims, um, you know, you could take out their holy sites ...
Campbell: You're talking about bombing Mecca.
Tancredo: Yeah. What if you said — what if you said that we recognize that this is the ultimate threat to the United States — therefore this is the ultimate threat, this is the ultimate response. I mean, I don't know, I'm just throwing out there some ideas because it seems to me...at that point in time you would be talking about taking the most draconian measures you could possibly imagine and because other than that all you could do is once again tighten up internally.
Man that is what I'm talking about! Finally a member of government is brave enough to say what every patriotic American has been thinking all along. It takes some big rocky mountain oysters to say some shit like that. I mean, fair is fair. When al Qaeda attacks us, it's like all Muslims are attacking us. And since all Muslims live in Mecca, boom. And anyway they started it by bombing our holiest site, the Pentagon.
Yo man, y'all heard of this dude Carl Rove? I saw on the news how he outed this CIA covert operative named Calorie Blame (I don't want to get in trouble with the law for publishing her real name so I am using a fake name). So anyways Carl is in trouble with the law 'cause what he done be all treasonous and illegal and whatsuch. People been savaging him in the press and calling for his resignation but frankly I don't see what the big hub-bub is. People think it's such a travesty to out CIA agents but I say good riddance. We don't need any homos in the CIA anyway.
Yo, Shaqdaddy back up in this bitch! I'd like to thank Spencer James for so aptly guest blogging. Man y'all heard what happened up in London the other day? That shit was whack. I say next time the G-8 leaders should hold their summit at an al Qaeda training camp so then when them al Qaedans want send a message they would have to bomb their own shit. The way them Londoners was reacting to all this shit was pretty impressive. They seems all calm and not obsessed with vengeance and ready to go on with they lives. Just like most of them NYCers was after nine elevens. But we all know how long that shit lasted here in America. What does y'all think will be the result of this attack? Y'all think that them Britainese peoples will increase their presence in the Iraqs, or will they do like Spain and legalize gay marriage? Will this attack make it more or less likely that they help us out with our impending war with Iran? And what about the Falkland Islands?
Well anyway, I don't know what the British think, but I do know a good way to gauge public opinion in America: just go to the Times Picayune's website (that's the major daily newspaper in New Orleans) and read the message boards there. We all know that New Orleans is one of the nation's most politically savvy metropoles. The people there are not at all racist, reactionary, and shuttered. They're all like really well-informed and shit. I learned a lot from them. They had lots of good ideas on how to fight the tareist threat. Such as:
(punctuation, grammar, and spelling have been copied verbatim)
"The only solution to terrorism is to deport all muslims in America who have immigrated in the past 20 years, and to prevent future immigration."
"Dealing with these people reminds me of dealing with that critter in "Alien." Sooner or later, we will have to break out the flame throwers and toast them down to the last egg. Every one sems to be a festering pot of latent hostility, needing only some suggestion to run amok and violate every civilized rule."
"In this case religion DOES define reality. The religion is Islam, and the reality is they want us dead."
"Go Bush! exterminate the terrorist scum."
"At some point, even the most limpdìck libnut will have to say "ENOUGH" and join in the rat hunt. Once such a hunt is started in earnest, it will not stop until there are no more targets. It wil be bloody and whole chunks of cities will be erased in the process. Don't cry over such losses - they are trivial in comparison to allowing crime and terror to continue. Thank God we still have our guns. God and Sam Colt will win the day for us. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition."
"...most white girls who have black b/fs or husbands are total slobs that no self respecting white guy would be seen with."
"Nuke ‘em. Turn the mountains of afganistan into the worlds biggest pile of burning embers."
"I’m afraid Democracy is not the best form of government for resisting terrorism."
"Bombing London - was it alQueda OR was it the French? I don't think they took that 2012 Olympic decision too well. Either way, I don't think the U.S. or Britain would mind striking back. It would be kind of fun to retake Paris again. We could string barbed wire around it and make it into a big Euro-Guantanamo. Lousy climate, but better food."
"I know that our borders are sieves for Terrorist Actifity and also believe illegal immigration is an economic and cultural disaster for the USA!!"
"They were in bed with the Sadam!"
"Sterotyoing is blaming something on a particular race. For example:Muslem-Blowing things up.Blacks-Carjacking,killing their own kind into extinction, sucking the blood out of the government for every penny they can put their useless hands can.White-Hardworking and paying there own way. Sterotyping isn't wrong, if it's true hardcore facts."
"All Muslims should be put on a big camel and sent back to their homeland."
"You are ridiculous souding when you mis-spell words. It's realiZe. What a douchebag."
"I think that once we get to know Muslims and meet them one-on-one, visit their families, eat their food, walk a mile in their sandals, etc, then we will want to treat them the way the folks in the Balkans treat them. That is, to make them extinct."
"Bush is a liberal."
"Beware my fellow Americans, the enemy is closer than YOU think, perhaps your Muslim neighbor or your doctor or professor, beware my fellow Americans. Don't trust them."
"Extermination is a big job, and an unpleasant one, but so is changing a diaper, but it has to be done. If not now, then when? A billion people, more or less. We are not talking about an endangered species, only that part of our 7 billion that has turned rogue. So why not face up to reality and say "It's them or us." It's what THEY think, say, and do, so we better start doing the same or else you will find yourself face-down on a prayer rug with your butt sticking up at just the right angle for you-know-what. And they will gladly do it, too. And your daughters will wind up as wives #34 and 35 to some snaggletoothed sheik who will have them shoveling horse poop in the stable he will maintain in the former St.Louis cathedral. They will set back human progress to the 7th century or beyond if they can. I for one wish they would just go back to the sands from which they and the vilest scorpions spring. But I know in my heart that only force will prevail and that force means extermination, to the best of our ability, so help us God."
So there you have it. I hope y'all learned as much as I did. I gotta go talk to my folks and see whether or not Hurricane Penis is coming their way. I fucking hate these Islamofascist hurricanes.
Salutations to all, 'tis none other than I, Evan Spencer Jacobs!!! In case you've been wondering why Shaq-Fu hasn't updated his blog in a few days, it's because he's been too busy visiting me in the N-Y-C. While we're both in town together, we thought it would be cute if we guest-posted on each other's blog. So here goes! Boy I tell you, that Shaquille is one tall Negro. So tall, in fact, that it took no longer than a matter of hours before his height got us into a fight. It seems that the clumsy homosexual has difficulty adjusting to the stronger gravity that is found in New York's many underground sub-ways. The increased gravity, combined with his grotesquely tall frame, made it impossible for him to hurdle over a sweet old lady's feet as he made his way to his seat. He grazed the old lady's shin, ruining her life, making life-long enemies of all the other people on the subway, and severely damaging New York's bid to host the 2012 Olympics.
Having to play tour guide to Shaq has been an unbearable chore. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy's best friend. Being seen in public with him sucks monkey balls. His ethnicity precludes us from dining in any of the finer establishments to which my refined palate is so accustomed. Since he's been in town my diet has consisted of nothing but Cheetos and dick.
Also, staying with him for a few days has exposed me to some of his bizarre and disturbing personal habits. For instance, when smoking weed he has to say grace before every hit. He watches TV with his eyes closed. He bites his toenails. 9/11 may have changed everything, but it couldn't make him change his underwear. Most appaling of all, he pees standing up. What in the name of the Unknown Soldier is that? Well, I gotta go now. I have a busy day ahead of me. It's been a couple of months since the operation, so the girlfriend and I can finally have relations. Be sure to check out my blog, Anal Spitoon. Now with more spit!
Also, check out this new blog about my Jewish brethren: www.youhavebeenchosen.com.
Happy 4th of July, everybody!!! Remember, we're better than Hitler!
Update: We're also better than Mao.
