Man now that it's the offseason and all, I have a lot more time to watch the news on TV. Y'all heard about this lady they got on the MSNBC called Norah O'Donnell? She's their White House correspondent, or "The White Ho" as they've recently taken to calling her. She's pretty and all, but her reporting lacks substance… and what's with all the blinking? I'm telling you, the blinking is crazy. Out of hand. So anyway, I'm watching her the other night, mesmerized by the blinking, trying to make sense of it all, when it suddenly hits me: Nora O'Donnell is really a member of the Revolution and her duty is to transmit critical top-secret messages by blinking in Morse code during her deceptively vapid fluffpieces. Being well-versed in Morse code, I was able to decipher the hidden messages in her latest report. Imagine how hard it must be to simultaneously process two completely distinct and contradictory trains of thought and communicate one train verbally while communicating the other through a series of precisely timed blinks. The woman is a genius and hardly anyone else even realizes it. Here is the transcript for Hardball with Chris Matthews, 6/7/05:
(What her mouth said:)
NORAH O'DONNELL: Our top story in Washington today, President Bush cut short his scripted Q&A session with carefully pre-selected reporters due to a tummy ache. It was widely speculated that Bush's achey-wakey was the result of an ill-advised bedtime snack. A Senior Administration Official confirmed that this was in fact the case, and that the snack in question was a bag of airplane pretzels.
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Foiled again by his old nemesis?
O'DONNELL: Yes, as it were. But we should also note that this marks a significant moment of personal growth for the President. After all, in order for any given food to produce a tummy ache, it must be chewed, swallowed, and digested.
MATTHEWS: You make a good point. How will this affect his approval rating?
O'DONNELL: It's too early to say, but it's clear that the Democrats have no answer for this.
MATTHEWS: Now what about Howard Dean's comment that Bush "can't stomach the truth"?
O'DONNELL: Equating 'pretzels' with 'truth' is a typically heavy-handed and desperate ploy by the Democrats. Granted, the truth can be hard or soft, oftentimes it can be twisted, and it is best taken with a grain of salt, but ultimately this is a misleading and inflammatory analogy that will fail to resonate with the American people.
MATTHEWS: Yeah, that seems about right. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks for the report Nora.
O'DONNELL: My pleasure. Thanks for having me on.
(What her eyes said:)
NORAH O'DONNELL: President Bush is a puppet of the exploitative capitalist ruling class! Down with greedy parasitic industrialists! Down with the fascist corporate state! They will soon receive their comeuppance!
CHRIS MATTHEWS: Foiled again by his old nemesis?
O'DONNELL: Old nemesis? Ha! We are a force without precedent. Our numbers are growing by the hour. With each slight against the working class perpetrated by Bush and his handlers, our strength multiplies. Soon our mounting resentment will need release. We will burst through the dam of tyranny and unleash a flood of retribution upon Bush and his cronies, the severity and ruthlessness of which would be heretofore unseen in the annals of human history.
MATTHEWS: You make a good point. How will this affect his approval rating?
O'DONNELL: Ha! Given the unspeakably diabolical plans we have for him, I'd say that approval ratings are the least of his concerns. Again, ha!
MATTHEWS: Now what about Howard Dean's comment that Bush "can't stomach the truth"?
O'DONNELL: Are you even paying attention to me? Are you so foolhardy as to ignore the power and scope of the Revolution? Do you not realize that you too will be subject to our wrath? Do you not fear the terrible fate that awaits you? Rest assured, Chris, when the Revolution comes we will not hesitate to mete out punishment to all those who enabled Bush's atrocities. Cowardly, uncritical reporters such as yourself should and will be treated on par with the maniacal murderers you helped bring to power.
MATTHEWS: Yeah, that seems about right. Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks for the report Nora.
O'DONNELL: We will not rest until the Potomac runs red with Republican blood and the gentle greenery of the Mall is bleached with the bones of Conservative dead! Thanks for having me on.
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