I don't know if y'all heard but apparently there's gonna be an economic apocalypse if them folks in DC don't get their shit together right quick. I haven't been following the debt ceiling debate that closely since most of my attention has been focused on the NBA lockout. I guess Stern David just couldn't deal with the thought of an NBA without Shaq Daddy so he decided to shut the whole thing down. Sorry, America. But at least y'all still got y'all's NFL to look forward to.
The possibility of a global depression coupled with the reality of an NBA lockout has forced some players to entertain offers to play overseas. My boy D-Will, who is basically the Shaq-Fu of point guards, has even signed a contract to play in some country called Turkey. Like for real y'all, there's really a country named Turkey, I'm not even playing. I looked that shit up on National Geographic and it's legit. And before being named after food they were named after furniture. I've tried playing overseas before but it's confusing because they drive on the wrong side of the lane. Plus after you convert my stats to Euros my free throw percentage is even worse. Like I'm talking negative. The other team got a point every time they fouled me. True story.
But anyway, to go back to the initial topic of this post, which was the debt ceiling debate... I don't really understand economics but I think the debt sealing is something that the gubmint does when it wants to sear the economy so as to seal in all the debty juices. People in the meejya been saying that Congress not raising the debt sealing might lead to a global depression. But I think that's a bit alarmist, don't you? It seems that the lamestream media is conjuring up the specter of a coming economic eucalyptus just to scare the Tea Party into accepting tax increases. If we close loopholes that give corporations tax breaks on their private jets, then I fear the entire corporate jet industry will collapse. Millions of people might be laid off according to my back-of-the-envelope calculations (keep in mind that I am a basketball player and rapper by trade so math is not my strong suit. Also, I'm kinda just dumb in general. Just flat-out dumb). I'm talking about air traffic controllers, pilots, baggage handlers, flight attendants, mom-and-pop jet manufacturers such as Boeing, etc. Plus, if we shut the corporate jet tax loophole down, where would Leonardo DiCaprio go to do his whole inception thing?
Do you want to live in a world where Leonardo DiCaprio and his team of dream trespassers don't have a venue where they can ply their trade? They're job creators, goddamnit, and if you take away tax loopholes they'll just outsource to China or wherever and then the Chinese will have the privilege of sitting through a barely intelligible two and a half hour movie where the big payoff is that some dude is convinced to break up his father's company into smaller subsidiaries when the same thing could've easily been accomplished by just talking to the dude. Here's some Inception fan fiction:
DOM: Hey Fischer, your dad just died and you're inheriting his company. What're you gonna do now?
FISCHER: I dunno.
DOM: How about you split the business up into smaller pieces? But don't take my word for it, listen to these two dudes who are world renowned experts.
EAMES: Breaking up your father's empire makes perfect business sense. Profits will go up eleventy jillion percent. I went to business school and have an MBA in business.
SAITO: I agree with Eames and Dom. Furthermore, I am totally impartial.
FISCHER: Well, that settles it. Great talking to you in person, in the real world. It sure is nice to base my decisions on shit that happens in the real world and not be one of those fucking idiots who wakes up after a vivid dream and takes the weird shit that happened in the dream seriously.
DOM: Yes, it sure is.
SAITO: I like talking to people in the real world, because when you talk to people in the real world you usually don't run the risk of dying or being trapped forever in some vague, woefully under-explained limbo.
DOM: Boy, this sure was a productive conversation.
FISCHER: And easy too!
DOM: I want to make sure this is what you really want to do. This is a big decision, are you absolutely sure you want to go ahead with it?
FISCHER: Whatevs. I hate business and I hated my dad. I really don't give a fuck because I'm rich forever.
EAMES: Great! What do y'all want to do now that we've got all this free time?
FISCHER: You want to take my corporate jet to L.A.? I hear there's stuff to do in L.A.
DOM: We can go to Grauman's Chinese Theater and see how our hands measure up vis-a-vis Clint Eastwood's!
SAITO: I want to go to Universal Studios!
EAMES: I want to see the Hollywood sign!
FISCHER: I want to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to stimulate their local economy! I hear they're in a really tough recession right now and every little bit helps.
SAITO: Wait guys, isn't all this gonna be too expensive due to Obama's Marxist economic policies?
FISCHER: You're right. Oh well. I'm just gonna stay inside all day and play Hearts on my computer. That Pauline is such a bitch.
I forgot to mention, spoiler alert. I can't wait for Inception 2, in which Dom and the gang venture into Fischer's subconscious to convince him of the merits of using foreign subsidiaries to finance the sale of products overseas, thus deferring U.S. taxes on income earned abroad. It'll save the company hundreds of millions! That movie would probably gross hundreds of millions too.
This is a metaphor for our plummeting economy.
This is a metaphor for the debt ceiling debate
Oh man y'all heard of this state called NEW YORK?? Their governor is such a Cuomo that he just signed a bill making gay marriage legal. It's a remarkable development, one that will most likely lead to further gains in the battle for gay civil rights. Predictably, many conservatives around the country are complaining about it, claiming that by acquiescing to the immoral Homo-sexual Lobby, America has doomed itself to a swift and inevitable collapse.
Conservatives are always silly and usually evil, so it may be difficult to take anything they say seriously, but they may actually have a point here. After all, Al Qaeda attacked the Twin Towers solely because they looked like two gigantic erections that were perilously close to touching. Only in a decadent, morally bankrupt society could such blatantly homosexual architecture be allowed to exist. America let teh Homo-sexual Lobby take control of our urban planning, and we paid the price. So surely we'd be safer by restricting gay rights rather than expanding them? If we turn ourselves into a mirror image of the Taliban, terrorists wouldn't think of attacking us again, right? This line of thinking may have its merits, but I think good ol' Ben Franklin had it right when he famously said, "those who would give up essential homosexuality to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither homosexuality nor safety."
The truth is that gay rights make America safer. Obama repealed Don't Ask, Don't Tell and a few months later, boom, we killed bin Laden. There's no way this was just a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences. I also don't believe in dinosaurs, eskimos, or vaccination. Fundamentalist Islamists hate gay people, so Osama must've been terrified to hear that the U.S. was coming after him with a military full of TEH GAZE. I very much doubt we would have been able to kill bin Laden if Seal Team 6 wasn't made up exclusively of homosexuals.
With all that being said, I guess I do sympathize with the feeble-minded haters who want gay marriage to remain illegal. I mean, they're right that Obama is completely in thrall to the Homo-sexual Lobby, which is a problem because it's keeping him from devoting enough of his energy to the pharmaceutical, banking, oil, and defense lobbies. It's not like the Teabaggers' demands are irrational or excessive. They're just against Obama's huge radical agenda being rammed down America's throat. I mean, why does he have to ram it down our throat? Why can't he just gently and lovingly dip his wrinkled agenda repeatedly into America's mouth? Is that too much to ask? Maybe conservatives are right when they say that at this criticial juncture in America's history, we should be curtailing civil rights, not increasing them. After all, the Ancient Greeks were all about gay sex, and just look at Greece's economy now. Zeus created Paris and Helen, not Paris and Hellen. Wokka wokka. I know that's bad, but it's the best I can do off the top of my head. I'm sure there's a Uranus and Gaia joke out there somewhere, but I'm too lazy to dig for it.
Shortly after the bill passed, King Kong and his gay lover laid waste to New York City.
Aww shit y'all heard the big news??? It's the end of an era. SHAQ DADDY DONE RETIRED Y'ALL!!! It's been a good 19 years, but I just felt the time was right for me to retire now. I'm an old-ass man, and it just isn't feasible for me to continually run up and down the court while having to support 400 pounds of body weight (pure muscle though it may be). My body was breaking down, and I wanted to get out while I still had some measure of good health. Plus I wanted to retire while my free throw percentage was still above 50. Also, and I can't emphasize this enough, fuck Kobe. The NBA should do just fine without me, as I've passed the torch to those two young whippersnappers Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Kidd.
Even though I've retired from basketball, I still feel that competitive fire within me. I wanted to find a sport that's just as cutthroat and intense as basketball, but slightly less physical. So my boy Jacques Bailly told me that competitive spelling is the way to go. I think I'll try to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee next year. I've already began training. Did y'all know that there's this NBA team called the "Knicks" and it's got a silent K? "Womb" and "bomb" are spelled similarly, but "tomb" and "boom" aren't, even though if you put a bomb in someone's womb and it goes boom, everyone involved will wind up in a tomb. Or a cemetary or a morg, neither of which I know how to spell. This spelling shit is way harder than it looks. At least I'm a better speller than Kobe. He couldn't spell "NBA" if you spotted him the N and the A. He never even went to college, you know.
My experience with competitive spelling goes way back to when I recorded the official song for the 2006 bee with Shakira. It was a flop, but then Wyclef Jean retooled it a bit and it really took off. Wyclef, if you're reading this, where are my royalties? You make a man want to sue your ass.
So be wise/ and keep on/ reading the dictionary
Oh boy I can see your fingers move/
you're writing the word on your forearm
The internets are fuming, and rightly so, over the White House invitation Michelle Obama extended to Chicago-based poet Common. I'm not familiar with this "Common" (that CAN'T be his real name?), but my sources say he apparently raps hip-hop and writes poetry in the urban vernacular. I feel like I vaguely remember him from somewhere, but I can't quite place it. Oh well. Hopefully it'll come to me later, right now I gotta go hop in my Lincoln Navigator and take a quick trip down to the Gap.
Commongate may seem ridiculously ignorant and even a little racist by some, but I actually agree with Sarah Palin et al on this one. Rhyming is an abomination. If God had intended for words to rhyme, he would have created Steve and Eve, not Adam and Eve. These intemperate "poets" and their libertine "poetry" are to blame for America's decline. Back in my day everyone was illiterate and our entire vocabulary consisted of just 5 verbs and 7 nouns, none of which rhymed, and by gum we liked it that way! This was before the war, mind you, and before all them Yankee carpetbaggers done come round these parts with their fancy book-larnin', corrupting us with their elitist diction and Ivy League indoor plumbing. WHAT I LACK IN VOCABULARY I MAKE UP FOR IN VOLUME!!!
Some liberals are saying that this whole toot about Common is yet another manifestation of white Conservatives' constant but usually concealed anxiety with all things urban (except for Keith Urban). But honestly, so what if Conservatives are afraid of black people? So what if every time they hear the word "rap" they immediately go into a Pavlovian fit, clutching their purses, flooring their SUVs, and fleeing to the sterile safety and empty opulence of their gated, McMansioned communities? I mean, I'm afraid of the dark, does that make me a racist? Sometimes it's just common (ha!) sense to be afraid of things that are dangerous. And Common, being as gangster as they come, is obviously dangerous. You might even say he's a menace to society. I've even seen pictures of him wearing a do-rag and jewelry. Can you imagine that? A grown man wearing jewelry? My word! Having poets visit the White House sends the wrong message to kids. Dancing outside the White House like bloodthirsty buffoons to celebrate shooting someone in the face, however...
*cf.
Man y'all heard of that reality TV star/quadruple bankruptee Donald Trump and how he was supposably gonna run for President? Democrats were excited about his candidacy because a Trump victory in the Republican primary would all but assure an Obama victory in the 2012 presidential election and Republicans were excited about his candidacy because, well, they're Republicans and frankly nothing they think or do should surprise anyone anymore. Unfortunately he's decided to not run after all. As a fan of train wrecks and public humiliation, I'm a bit disappointed. But I can't figure out any rational reason why Trump thought he had even a sliver of a chance in the first place. He's repulsive in every way. Who thought running him was a good idea? Let's see, unemployment is one of the country's biggest problems, so who do we get to run for president? Ooh, I know, someone whose catch phrase is "You're Fired". That'll really resonate with the American people. Might as well get that crazy dude from Iran to run. What's his name, Mahmoud Ammaneedajob? Yeah, him.
Y'all heard of this thing called TELEVISION??? Regular readers of my blog know that my favorite TV show is Smallsville, but check it y'all, the series finale is tonight! Needles to say I'm disappointed, but really that show has been going downhill ever since they got rid of Pete. My second favorite TV show is Arrested Development (not to be confused with Artested Development, a short-lived, Odd Couple inspired sitcom starring Ron Artest and Andrew Bynum as roommates in a rehab center for violent rageaholics). Unfortunately, Arrested Development only lasted 3 seasons, which is one season fewer than I lasted with Orlando. With my two favorite shows both being cancelled, I figured I'ma need to find me a new favorite show soon so last night I started flipping through the channels. Lucky for me I found this show called Community. They got this awesome character I think his name is Magnetdude or something but anyway he just busts into rooms and is all like PLOP PLOP and it's so awesome. So then I started thinking what if they brought back Arrested Development and they did an Arrested Development/Community crossover episode? It would be as disgustingly unfair to the competition as this year's Miami Heat but way more awesome. LIke maybe GOB could take his talents to Greendale and start a branch of the Magician's Alliance there. And a bunch of doves would fly out of Starburns' top hat. Or something.
"The mere fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready."
Aww shit y'all heard of this dude Osama bin Laden? That's the dude what was the most wanted man in the world for like 15 years or some such. Anyways just the other day the U.S. done kilt him up good, which you've probably heard about by now unless you've been living in a cave. Speaking of living in caves, guess who wasn't??? Yeah everyone was thinking that Osama was hiding out somewheres in Afghanistan but all along he was really just chilling in a million dollar, three story mansion in the middle of a bustling, upscale Pakistani city named after some British dude (who, however successful a military man he may have been, was perhaps the worst poet ever).
I guess it's too early to accurately assess the full significance of bin Laden's death. Some athletes are even saying that maybe Osama didn't have anything to do with 9/11, that it was all a conspiracy masterminded by the U.S. government. After all, 9/11 happened PRECISELY ON SEPTEMBER 11TH!!! Of all the dates Nine Eleven could have fallen on, what are the odds of it occurring EXACTLY on September 11th? That can't just be coincidental, can it? If Rashard Mendenhall and the Truthers are right then Osama's death shouldn't have much of an effect on the War on Terror. However, I take Osama's word that he and al Qaeda were responsible for 9/11, so I think that Osama's death will inevitably have a huge impact on the War on Terror.
So that brings up the question, exactly what kind of impact? Can we Americans finally stop pissing our collective pants? Will al Qaeda collapse without its star point guard/head coach? Who will replace him? Will this situation resemble this year's Cleveland Cavaliers, when LeBenedict James took his talents to South Beach and was replaced by Joey Graham, leading to a 42-game decline? Or will it be more like the San Antonio Spurs of the late 90s when David Robinson passed the torch to Tim Duncan, resulting in the Spurs winning 4 titles over the next decade?
Unfortunately for al Qaeda, I predict the former. Without its brilliant head coach/point guard, I just don't see any way al Qaeda will be able to maintain its dominance of the Islamic Terror League. There are too many other demented and unhinged organizations that would love to take over al Qaeda's role as the preeminent terrorist group in the world, including al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Lashkar-e-Taiba, Hezbollah, Ansar al-Islam, and the Los Angeles Lakers. Looking at al Qaeda's current roster, I'm struck by their lack of young talent and quality depth. Lately they just haven't been able to attract the top young terrorist talent in free agency. I blame this on their coaching staff's inability to adjust to the needs of today's potential terrorists. It used to be easy to seduce young recruits with the promise of a generous retirement plan, but you know Muslim youth nowadays, they care more about designer jeans and fancy iPods than 72 virgins and eternity in Paradise. The terrorists of today want to work for someone who can recite Nas, not the Quran. They want Lil Wayne, not Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. It seems that Osama learned this lesson, albeit a little too late. Among the documents Navy Seals found in his compound were rough drafts of what U.S. military intelligence officers have identified as "jihad recruitment raps".
Yo it's me/ MC/Osama/ comma/
bin Laden/ I been plottin'/ hustlin'
Finnuh unite all Muslims/
Against these crazy U.S. imperialists/
I make a call/ to yuh all/ in all seriousness/
From Baghdad to Syria/
Beirut to Liberia/Come join my movement, among the criteria/
is you can't be down with them whack-ass Americans/
We gots to take back our land and bomb all they garrisons/
Assassinate they public figures/
Then go and celebrate with all my Muslim niggas/
I just hope he doesn't come out with any posthumous albums.
...or posthumous terrorist attacks.
Hey y'all, y'all heard of this dude Kobe Bryant? Chances are you have, since he's one of the most famous rapists in recent history. But what most of y'all may not know is that he's also a professional basketball player. It's true! In fact, I was once his teammate way back in the day, when I led the Los Angeles Lakers to 3 consecutive NBA championships from 2000-2002. People remember those teams mainly for my complete dominance in the low post, Robert Horry's clutch three-point shooting, and A.C. Green's legendarily impenetrable virginity. But we honestly couldn't have won those titles without Kobe's epic ball-hogging. It seemed like every night ESPN showed highlights of him setting some weird NBA record like most missed shots in a game or highest arrogant douchebag percentage or longest streak of consecutive games with at least one attempted rape. In retrospect it seems like a small miracle that A.C. Green survived those seasons with his virginity intact.
Sure, Kobe and I feuded a little bit in those days, but the situation was never as bad as the media portrayed it to be. I never viewed him as much of a threat because I was just so much cooler than he was. I have like 47 awesome nicknames. Shaqtus, Big Aristotle, Shaq Diesel, Black Leonardo, Shaq Morris, Shaqtion Jackson, Shaq-Fu, Shaq the Ripper, Henrietta Shaqs, Big Shamrock, Love Shaqtually, etcetcetc. Does Kobe even have one? The Black Mamba? Please. Kobe wishes he were black.
At this point you may be wondering why I am even bringing up Kobe. Well, it's because he's in the news again. Turns out that in addition to being a ball-hogging sex offender, he's also a homophobe. On Wednesday the NBA fined him $100K for directing an anti-gay slur at a referee after the referee had given him a technical foul. In Kobe's defense, a few years ago the NBA changed its rules to favor offense by prohibiting certain defensive techniques such as hand checking and rape, and Kobe, who was formerly known as an elite defender, has had difficulty adjusting. I'm not sure if the referee was justified in T'ing Kobe up, but questionable technical fouls happen all the time. Kobe definitely overreacted by calling the ref a "fucking faggot". (Pardon the language, but accurate reportage demands it. To the more easily offended members of my readership, read that last phrase as "dagning taggart") The NBA prides itself on its enlightened gay-friendly attitude, boasting many gay icons from John Amaechi to... umm... I'm pretty sure Isiah Thomas and Magic Johnson kissed that one time. That counts, right?
Simpler times
Anyway, the point is
that Kobe's bigoted slur is unacceptable in today's NBA. We as a
society should encourage our gay youth to follow their dreams no matter
where that may lead them. Even if it leads them to become NBA referees.
Corrupt, incompetent, out-of-shape, subtly racist NBA referees. A generation of bright-eyed gay youth enthusiastically following in the footsteps of Tim Donaghy, Dick Bavetta, Joey Crawford,
and Bennett Salvatore... Wait. On second thought, Kobe, use all the
anti-gay slurs you want. Cocksucker is a good one, for example.
Fucking flamer is too, as it has KKK-esque connotations of using fire as
a weapon. Gay-ass gayboy is a pretty good one too because it has the
word gay right there in it like two times. Nancy boy isn't so good,
since people will probably just think you're referring to the nickname
of Larry Nance,
who was one of the Cleveland Cavaliers' biggest stars in the late 80s
and early 90s. The important thing is to make it crystal clear that
gays are not welcome in the ranks of NBA referees. Please Kobe, it's up
to you to lead the way. I know we've had our differences, you and I,
but I'm not asking you to do this for me.
Do it for that kindergartener in Topeka who would rather play with
dolls than fire engines. Do it for that 11 year-old in Des Moines who
combs his hair and brushes his teeth without being asked to. Do it for those transgendered toddlers in that J. Crew catalog. Do it for half the cast of Glee. Do it for all the gay children across America who deserve a better fate than growing up to be NBA referees.
Well, it looks like all my bitching and moaning about the waste and inefficiency endemic to the federal government might finally pay off. Them Republicans finnuh shet down the fejrul gubmint! It's about time. It's also about selfishness. Oh! Did you see what I did there? It's called a zeugma.
This is an ideal opportunity for conservatives to prove to the rest of the country that they were right all along about the uselessness of the federal government. The government is best which governs least, as they like to say while Thoreau spins round in his grave. They were proven correct about so many of their other pet theories, like trickle-down economics, the War on Drugs, Social Security privatization, and slavery, so I'm assuming this whole government shut down thing will work out perfectly too. It won't affect me anyway since I live in a posh gated community in the 'burbs, with a passel of servants to attend to my every need. So I couldn't care less. For those of you who will be adversely affected by potential government shutdown, I suggest that you grab your passport and leave the country. And if you don't have a passport, oops I guess you're fucked since the passport office will shut down. It's weird that the NFL is locked out, the NBA will probably have a lock out once the season ends, and the gubmint might also be shut down. These things come in threes I suppose.
*see
Oh man y'all heard of this shit called health insurance? That's this thing that costs hundreds of dollars every month as long as you never use it and then finally when the time comes that you do have to use it, you have to pay a few thousand more dollars for the privilege of doing so. Oh yeah and sometimes it's sold to you by a duck (this differentiates it from car insurance, which is sold by lizards, or, if you're in the greater Chicagoland area, a giant eagle-human hybrid). Well it turns out that the Aflac spokesduck was recently fired for tweeting some offensive shit in the aftermath of the tsunami in Japan. I never took him to be a mean racist. I mean, he was so adorbs in those commercials, the way he went around all quacking and such, as ducks are wont to do. I'm so offended by all this that I am going to boycott health insurance until that duck apologizes.
I'm not sure if Aflac can stay afloat (ha!) without its star spokesduck. Making matters worse is the passage of Obamacare, with its job-killing ban on denying insurance to people with pre-existing conditions. Aflac obviously wants healthy people to live long and keep paying for their plans while using no services, and once people get sick and become net liabilities, for those people to die immediately. It's just Economics 101. I think it might also be cross-listed as Sociopathy 101. Anyway, the point is that Obama apparently failed Economics since he wants to deny health insurance companies their God given right to doggedly pursue profits above all else. It's downright saintly of health insurance executives to not go around killing anyone who has so much as a cough, but of course Obama doesn't see it that way.
The insurance companies aren't the only ones who'll suffer. I also feel bad for currently uninsured people (like me) who will be FORCED to buy health insurance because of Obamacare. A while ago I tried to get health insurance, but the insurance company told me that life is a terminal illness (which is strictly true) and thus merely being alive is a pre-existing condition which rendered me uninsurable. At the time I was pissed, but now I love not having health insurance. It really frees up my expenses so I can spend money on things I actually want, i.e. illegal firearms to protect me during the coming apocalypse and tons of nonprescription Oxycontin to suppress the blinding pain in which I live everyday, pain that I can only assume is the result of various chronic untreated medical conditions. Umm, so anyway where was I? Oh yeah, where in the Constitution does it say that THE GUBMINT can FORCE you to buy health care from a DUCK??? OMABACARE IS UNCONSTITUITIONAL!!! And here I thought it was a free country. But wait, I guess it is a FREE country, IF YOU'R A POOR PERSON WITH CANCER WHO WANTS A GOUBMINT HANDOUT JUST SO YOU CAN MAINTAINTAIN YOUR LAVISH LIFESTYLE OF BEING ALIVE.
Anyway I suppose that Aflac needs a new spokesduck, ideally one that isn't as controversial as the previous one. Maybe even someone who will help lead the charge against Obamacare. I have a suggestion:
When there's trouble you call George W.
Say y'all heard of this thing called the United States Postal Service? Word on the street is that they're going to close down up to 2,000 post offices starting in March. I say it's about time. Who even gets the mail anymore, what with the Internets and all? I'm sick of paying 40 something cents just to send some piece of paper hundreds of miles across the country. Gubmint should keep its hand off my mail. It was bad enough when they tried to take over the army, now they're trying to take over the post office? Sheeit.
In the midst of this recession, who can even afford the luxury of having a mailbox? Even I've had to cut back on some expenses at Le Chateau de Shaq (that's French for "Shaquille's cat water"). I had to have my mailbox converted into a garage and my birdhouse converted into a replacement mailbox (which is confusing to birds and mailmen alike), but then my mother-in-law moved in with us so I had to have the birdhouse/replacement mailbox converted into a guest house. Times are tough all over.
Man y'all heard of these things known as Republicans? Since Republicans hate black people I figured it would only be a matter of time before they replaced Michael Steele as chairman of the Republican National Committee. But replacing him with some dude named Prince Rebus? Shit, I know Republicans hate democracy and long for a return to monarchy, but this is a bit much. The Founding Fathers must be turning over in their graves. They hated monarchy so much that they actually outlawed Chess. True story.
Aww shit y'all heard of this shit called airplanes? They are just like cars only faster. And more airborne. Anyways, last week that liberal blogger from the Internet, Ariana Huffington, made news for being detained by law enforcement after she refused to turn her cell phone off during a United Airlines flight from DC to New York City. Cell phones, as we all know, can and routinely do lead to horrific crashes when used on planes. How else were the 9/11 hijackers able to find the WTC if not by using their iPhones to Google Map the directions? Luckily, 53 year-old professional floor installer slash hero Ellis Beloduff was on board and able to defuse the situation by notifying a flight attendant of Ms. Huffington's sadistically reckless behavior. Here are some excerpts of him recounting his harrowing ordeal: "I see a hand in front of me with a BlackBerry ... so I yell to [the flight attendant], 'SHE'S ON HER BLACKBERRY!!!'". However the flight attendant refuses to take immediate action. Sensing that time is running out, Mr. Beloduff escalates his warnings. "She's still on [her cell phone] and I'm ringing my buzzer. And finally I said, 'What is wrong with you?' And I'm getting louder and louder." Still no action from the flight attendant. As the tension crescendoes, Mr. Beloduff realizes that the safety of the flight rests entirely in his hands. "WAAAHHHH!!!" he bleats, while soiling himself. This proves to be the decisive stroke, as the flight attendant finally gets Ms. Hufflepuff to turn her cell phone off, but not without first getting in a shot at our hero Mr. Beloduff. "He tells me, 'Calm down, Sir! I told him I was calm. If I wasn't calm I would have ripped it out of her hand!" It's nice to see that there are still brave men out there willing to put their asses on the line and threaten physical harm to people who don't assent immediately to outdated and arbitrary orders given by a bloated government agency. Bravo, Ellis Beloduff. You narrowly averted another 9/11 with your heroic whining. This situation calls to mind the classic thriller Snakes on a Plane, with the role of Samuel L. Jackson being played by Ellis Beloduff and the role of hundreds of venomous snakes being played by... umm... one cell phone. That movie is one of my favorites. I even tried out for the role of Man Bitten on Penis. For my audition I had to deliver the timeless line "Aw, fuck! Fucking bitch! Get off my dick! Aw, fuck! Fuck." Unfortunately I didn't get the part, probably because everyone has me typecast as a rapping genie. Life isn't fair. I also tried out for the role of Paul, who poignantly asks what is one of the deepest philosophical questions in cinematic history: "Why exactly are there snakes on this plane?" I wish I knew, Paul, I wish I knew. I mean, why exactly are there any motherfucking snakes on any motherfucking plane? Who can really say? And who among us can honestly claim that there aren't any motherfucking snakes stowed away in the motherfucking overhead bin of our psyche? What I'm trying to say is that Snakes on a Plane is a very complex metaphor and the heroic actions of Ellis Beloduff have breathed new life into it. The snakes represent the incivility and sense of entitlement that is endemic to the modern liberal mindset. The plane represents a plane. 
The phone poses a much greater threat than does the venomous snake.
Yo what up y'all SHAQ DADDY aka BLACK LEONARDO aka BIG SHAMROCK aka FUTURE 2ND BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES back in the house! Say y'all heard of this thing called Twenty Eleven??? No, that's not my season scoring average followed by my rebounding average, that's the year what it just turned the other day. What did y'all do for New Year's Eve? I took my 7'2" 350 lbs ass to the NOLA. I know y'all might be wondering what I was doing way down there when I should be playing for the Celtics, but chill y'all, New Orleans is pretty much the Boston of Louisiana. Me and my peeps hung out in the French Quarter, which thanks to inflation is now worth more like 50 US cents. Thanks a lot, Ben Bernanke. Also, there were fireworks on the Mississippi River. And they were pretty. Very pretty. Oh and check this shit out, some asshole from New York City called me and my peeps "hillbillies". For the French-speaking readers of my blog, that's "les Guillaumes de la colline". Can you believe that ish!? We're from the NOLA, where there isn't a hill around for miles and miles. In fact, I think my 9 foot 6 inch ass is technically the highest point in all of Louisiana. I should have posterized that dude, but then I remembered that violence doesn't solve anything. I'm just gonna have to take out my aggression on Kobe. Fuck that dude Kobe.
Say y'all heard of this thing called the U.S. MILITARY??? That's that shit where we keep all our weapons and what not at. But check this, the other day them folks up in Congress repealed this military policy called DADT. Before you ask me what that means, let me tell you. DADT stands for "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and was a policy implemented by the nefarious Homo-sexual Lobby to further their insidious Homo-sexual Agenda. You see, under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", homosexuals were exempt from serving in the U.S. military. So while our heterosexual American warriors fought bravely and straightly to preserve the sacred flame of American freedom, the cowardly homo-sexuals in our midst lifted nary a finger, content to remain out of harm's way and devote their resources to recruiting impressionable American youth into their perverted cult. Can you believe that shit? Homo-sexuals were demanding special rights like being married and having parades and not being murdered because of their sexual orientation, WHEN ALL ALONG THEY COULDN'T EVEN SERVE IN THE MILITARY!!! Well, thanks to our heroes in Congress, the Homo-sexual Lobby's free ride is finally over!
Of course, it's great that homo-sexuals will finally start carrying their weight, especially with all the wars going on right now plus wars with Iran, North Korea, Mexico, and Australia looming on the horizon. But I do share many of the same concerns as my Conservative brethren, namely: If gays can serve in the military, then what's keeping dogs and box turtles from serving too? (update: a highly placed source in the U.S. Navy has informed me that dogs are in fact already used for various military purposes such as detecting land mines, intimidating prisoners during interrogations, fetching slippers, and being the best widdle puppy wuppy in the whole wide world, yes that's right! Yes that's right!). And can transvestites serve? If so, they will undoubtedly be a drag on our mighty military. Zing! Also, if one gay man can serve alongside one other gay man, who's to say that one gay man can't serve alongside two other gay men? Or even three? I fear this polyarmory will be the downfall of our once proud country.
Say y'all fools heard of this thing known as MIDTERM ELECTIONS??? That shit is coming up soonishly. As a convicted felon, I can't vote, but I'm curious as to who y'all finnuh vote for. Here in the Louisiana senate race we have Republican "Diaper" David Vitter going against Democrat Charlie Melancon. Vitter is polling ahead of Melancon for now. I don't really get it. I'm not much into diaper-play, but perhaps that's just because it's so hard to find diapers in my size. Believe me, I've tried.
For some inscrutable reason Louisianians seem to luv Vitter, even though he's just another in a long line of pampered politicians. Do I think he'll wind up winning the election? It depends. If the voters feel that Vitter is the right candidate to pull-up the country from its economic malaise, then yes. If, on the other hand, voters feel that he lacks the poise to competently attend to his senatorial duties, then no. Did I mention that incumbent U.S. senator David Vitter (R-LA) gets his kicks by shitting into diapers and making prostitutes clean up after him? Family values!
Aww man y'all heard of this liberal radio station known as the NPR? They just fired that dude Juan Williams for saying that he gets "worried" and "nervous" when he's on a plane and sees anyone wearing "Muslim garb". Man that is some igneous shit right there. Looks like Islam is the new black. By which I mean Muslim is the new African-American. So now it all makes sense why some people hate Obama so much, seeing as how he's both. I guess maybe I can sympathize with Juan Williams somewhat since I harbor prejudices of my own. I mean, if I were on a plane and saw someone wearing NPR garb, I would get worried and nervous that they would inform me of the latest news of the day in a calm, sonorous voice. Then of course I would burn all their complementary NPR duffel bags.
Also, what exactly is "Muslim garb", anyway? It's ignorant to think that Muslims can all be classified according to their attire. I'm Muslim, and I'm naked right now. Does that mean Juan Williams would be nervous if I was naked next to him on a plane? Maybe that's a bad example. My point is that it's not as if Muslims wear any badges or anything identifying their religion. But maybe they should? That seems like a reasonable idea. What could possibly go wrong? This way we can accurately determine who is and who isn't Muslim and act accordingly. Let's just make it illegal for those with Muslim badges to travel on planes. If Muslims are allowed on planes, then the terrorists have Juan. I mean won.
Say y'all ever heard of this thing called Eid al-Fitr? That's pretty much the most important Muslim holiday of the year, I mean it's either that or Valentine's Day, take your pick. So anyways, this year's Eid was controversial because it coincided with 9/11, which some people think is a Muslim holy day too but is actually not. This September 11th was also International Burn a Koran Day thanks to Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida. So on one hand his was a horrible idea that could've only been worse if he meant "Korean" rather than "Koran". But on the other hand, I kinda understand him. Autumn is coming up and it can get quite cold down there in Florida, plus with gas prices through the roof, heating costs can be exorbitant. Using books as kindling makes economic sense, and anyway it's not as if anyone in Jones' congregation knows how to read so the books would otherwise just go to waste. But why use the Koran? Well, the Koran is really thick and it emits more BTUs of heat than any other holy book, according to scientists at the National Institute of Standards and Technology. In fact, the current latent heat exchange rate has one Koran equivalent to 2.3 Bibles (KJV) and 3.1 Mahabharatas. However, none of these great holy books can even approach the awesome exothermic potential of Atlas Shrugged, which measures a whopping 5.7 Korans. Unfortunately, burning Atlas Shrugged releases highly toxic pollution which has been known to cause developmental defects if inhaled by teenagers. Pastor Jones surely knew this and decided instead to go the safe route. I'm sure even Allah himself would be willing to see a few Korans set ablaze if it meant saving impressionable youth from becoming Objectivists.
In other Islam-related news, people are still bitching about the Ground Zero Victory Mosque and Cracker Baby Re-education Camp proposed Islamic community center in lower Manhattan. I know I've written about it before, but I still can't wrap my head around all this opposition to something so benign. I mean, the imam behind the community center is a moderate Sufi. Sufis are basically the hippies of Islam. You know that famous poem, "a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou/ beside me singing in the wilderness"? That was written by a Sufi. Scary shit, huh? It's not exactly what you'd expect to see in an Al Qaeda jihad manual. The idea of an Islamic equivalent to the YMCA appeals to me because I think it would be nice if the American Muslim community had a Reformation of sorts at some point, some moderating influence to tell people to chill out like Martin Luther did when he stepped to the Pope in 1519 and was all like "I got 95 theses but a bitch ain't one" and then he marched on Washington DC and was all like "no lie can live forever" and "I have a dream" and what not. Or something. My grasp of history is tenuous because I majored in basketball at LSU. I do know how many points are in a three-pointer as well as how many dribbles are in a double-dribble. Can't no one match my knowledge on the hardcourt.
So in conclusion let me leave y'all with a hypothesis I just done hypothesized. Most sane, decent Americans hate Al Qaeda because they disagree with Al Qaeda's philosophy, but it seems like some elements of the right wing hate Al Qaeda out of mere jealousy. Islamic terrorists are beating them at their own game! Sure, some idiot pastor in bumfuck Florida can threaten to burn a bunch of Korans, but the Taliban BLEW UP TWO OF THE WORLD'S OLDEST, BIGGEST BUDDHA STATUES. That's hardcore right there. I'm beginning to think that certain segments of conservative America are cut from the same cloth as the Islamic fundamentalists we are at war with. If those two groups were to switch places, not much would change. It's just that America has a functioning democratic society where any attempt by right-wing crazies to use fear and violence to bludgeon the population into conforming to their strict dogma would be counter-productive, not to mention socially unacceptable. And luckily, our fundamentalists are so distracted by their huge flat screen TVs and endless supplies of fattening foods that their basest urges are somewhat placated and they find other, more socially acceptable and less violent, outlets for their fundamentalist tendencies. Like going to Tea Party rallies and gun ranges. And forwarding racist emails to their relatives.
Everything I ever needed to know about Islam I learned on 9/11. No, really. I took a day-long seminar in college as a requirement for my International Relations major. It just happened to be offered on 9/11. Weird coincidence, I know.
Say y'all heard of these things called "anchor babies"? That's the disgustingly offensive yet surprisingly accepted way of referring to babyfolk born on U.S. soil to non-resident immigrants. Thanks to highly effective fear-mongering being implemented by certain right-wingers, there is a movement afoot to get rid of birthright citizenship, which is something that is guaranteed by the 14th Amendment (of course, this is the Tea Party's least favorite amendment). Now I ain't no lawyer but I do know a few people what went to lawyer school and if they're to be believed apparently the 14th Amendment is pretty important. Among many other very important rights, the 14th Amendment confers automatic citizenship to any human born in the United States. At least I think it's limited to humans. I certainly hope so. Can y'all imagine all these illegal Mexican birds flying over the border and eating all our American crops? Then they lay all the eggs they can and their little hatchlings are automatically entitled to all the birdseed stamps they want. Shit, I used to be for the 14th Amendment but now that I think about it maybe those Tea-anderthals do have a point.
When American birds, such as the bald eagle, migrate, they do it the right way. They're here LEGALLY and they get their passports stamped when they migrate south for the winter. Not like those swarthy shifty Mexican birds, such as el aguila real. They don't even pay taxes but the gubmint lets them freeload and shit (literally) all over the American taxpayer. What we need to do is build a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very tall fence on the border to keep them lazy hollow-boned egg-laying moochers out. I bet they don't even speak English. The other day I saw a mama bird regurgitate its food and feed it to its chicks. How sick is that shit? Someone call Social Services on their feathered asses. It doesn't take a genius to see the connection between our lenient treatment of illegal Mexican birds and the recent salmonella epidemic. If we continue to appease Los Pajaros Peligrosos and their open border agenda, we'll inevitably succumb to bird flu or ebola or Montezuma's Revenge or whatever biological weapon of mass destruction they're currently working on. And where is Obama in all of this? He's been suspiciously silent on this issue. Instead of acting boldly, he's walking on eggshells (ha!). He really laid an egg (ha!) on this one.
But anyway, back to humans, which was the original point of this post before I got sidetracked. So it's bad enough that some Republican politicians are harping on "anchor babies" in order to create a climate of fear amongst the more primitive and suggestible portion of the populace just in time for election season. What's worse is that some spectacularly demented politicians are going so far as to raise a new conspiracy: TERROR BABIES!!! This is so bizarre and unhinged a conspiracy theory that I can't really summarize it, so please please please just click on the link. The gist of it, if I follow correctly, is that terrorist groups will partner with illegal immigrants to form a Latino-Arab-Islamist supergroup named El Qaeda, which will then recruit pregnant women to cross the border while they're in labor and plop out their dusky bundles of joy onto U.S. soil. These terror babies will then have all the advantages of U.S. citizenship, which will of course make it easier for them to implement their master plan of placing explosives into our nation's tomato supply, to which they will have sole access since it will be their job to harvest all America's produce. The plan will come to fruition (I'm not sure if this is a pun or not) during Ramadan of 2028, while American Muslims are all fasting, thus ensuring that they will be spared from the carnage. So I'd just like to thank Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), not only for warning us about terror babies and their impending gazpacho Gestapo, but for also giving me the inspiration for the name of my new band. Look for the Terror Babies' first album to drop sometime in early 2011.
When Arizona looks kinda weird and you wish that you weren't there...
Hey yo, how y'all be living? Y'all heard of this literary technique known as the palindrome? When I first heard of that shit, I was suspicious, seeing as how it seemed improbable that any useful or interesting literary technique could be named after Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska and current head of Al-Aska Martyrs' Brigade. After all it's common knowledge that she is, how shall I put it, a bit slow. In the brain. Some might even go so far as to call her not smart. Like maybe she's so not smart that she thinks Eugene V. Debs was a court case. I don't want to be mean or anything but she just isn't the most brilliant person out there. Like maybe she's so not brilliant that she thinks the Mongolian Steppe is a dance move.
So imagine my surprise when I discovered that the palindrome is actually an amazing invention. Palin is a lot smarter than I initially gave her credit for. So anyways, a palindrome is a word or sentence that is spelled the same way backwards and forwards. Pretty crazy huh? Sarah Palin invented them to make life easier for dyslexic people. She is truly a humanitarian.
Anyways, the other night me and the reanimated corpse of former Poet Laureate Robert Frost had a poetry contest as part of my acclaimed Shaq Versus television series. The theme of the episode was palindromic poetry. We had to each come up with a poem in which each line was a palindrome, and luckily we had the option of adding an extra non-palindromic line at the end to complete the rhyme scheme. And guess what? I won!!! Ain't nothing Shaqdaddy can't do. My domination nose know bounds.
Be with gin, a night I web.
Don drowsy's word: Nod.
Defer as pandas' sad naps are fed
No peels o' sleep on
Which to bed.
UPDATE: Here is Mr. Frost's poem. It doesn't make much sense. Perhaps I should stop challenging zombies.
He did pose as Aesop did, eh?
Don't nod.
Toronto got no rot.
You, bay a buoy.
Salt an Atlas.
Never odd or even.
My name is Steven.
What up, peoplefolk? Y'all heard of this thing called FOODSTUFF??? That's what most people eat in order to live. But check it out, y'all, me and my Muslim homies and homettes can't eat none of that shit from sunup to sundown for a whole month on account of it being Ramadan right now. I'm just glad that Ramadan didn't fall during the NBA season like it has so often in years past.
Well anyway, I'm sure I'll blog more about Ramadan in the coming weeks, but now I want to share with y'all a very interesting article what I read on the world-wide interwebs. Scientists in Ethiopia recently fount proof that prehistoric Australopithecus afarensis (a surprisingly long and drawn-out name considering it has "pith" in it) from 3.4 million years ago used stone tools to butcher meat. For those of you who need background, Australianpithecus aforensics weren't members of our genus (which is--don't laugh--Homo). Rather, they arose more than a million years before Homo and are classified as early hominins (almost a homonym of "homonym"). The new finding means that our ancestors began eating meat and bone marrow 800,000 years earlier than scienticians had previously thought. Of course, this immediately and conclusively delegitimizes the entire vegetarian movement. If Lucy et al were eating delicious impala meat and wearing the latest dinosaur skin fashions some 3.4 million years ago, then who's to say that present-day humans are wrong for doing similarly? If meat was good enough for Lucy and good enough for Jesus, then by gum, it should be good enough for us too! In fact, when I'm elected Pope the first thing I'm going to do is change the Eucharist from a wafer to some sort of jerky. I think bacon will be involved too. It's supposed to be the body of Christ and last I checked Jesus wasn't made of unleavened bread. Comparing him to a cracker seems kind of racist to me now that I think about it more. Where's Andrew Breitbart when you really need him?
And I'm tired of all these liberal cardiologists from PETA telling people that red meat leads to cardiovascular disease. If that's true, how come cows, which are made ENTIRELY OF RED MEAT, very rarely need to undergo heart bypass surgery or have pacemakers installed? Huh? Answer me that, Peter Singer and Cass Sunstein! Meat is not murder. Meat doesn't kill animals, death kills animals. We evolved to what we are now solely due to eating meat as God intended us to. How else can you explain the progress from Lucy, who at a mere 3'6'' was probably known as the Muggsey Bogues of Australiansyphilis apparatus, to me, a 7'2'' Goliath of a man who has averaged 2.3 blocks per game over the course of what will surely prove to be a Hall of Fame career?
Yo yo yo, what it is, mon peeps? Y'all heard of this here thing called the CHILDHOOD OBESITY? That shit is undoubtedly a big (ha!) problem here in America, so our First Lady Michelle Hussein Obama has taken it upon herself to lead the movement (ha!) against it. The name of her public health initiative, "Let's Move", is a subtle nod to the Democrats' previous unsuccessful public health initiative, "Let's Move to Canada". The crux of Michelle Obama's message is that kids should exercise and eat healthy foods. It all seems like a common-sense solution to a pressing problem, right? Surely Michelle Obama's plan is laudable, or at the very least innocuous? HA! I pity you, naive liberal reader. For this is what I thought too, at first, before being enlightened by the brightest, most bulbous bulb on the informative chandelier that is Fox News. I am referring, of course, to none other than my boy Glenn Beck.
Apparently, Michelle Obama's fight against childhood obesity is difficult for Beck to stomach (ha!). This makes sense, as Beck and his Tea Party cohorts seem to be perpetually stuck in their childhood. They've never grown up from the selfish mindset of a petulant toddler. Thus, they don't like being told what to do, no matter how much it makes sense, no matter how much society as a whole will benefit from it. Self-improvement, if requested by an authority figure, is tantamount to tyranny. You might think that such a view, if held by a significant proportion of the populace, would lead to a hellish society no decent human would ever want to be part of. As I mentioned before, I would have agreed with you until my Beck-induced epiphany, my moment of Beckoning, if you will. Let us now explore it.
To cut to the chase, Michelle Obama's diabolical plan to force America's citizenry to become healthier and live longer, more satisfying lives means nothing less than the end of America as we know it. Obama uses so called "science" to claim that reducing sugar intake can decrease the likelihood of being obese or getting diabetes. However, a closer look at the evidence makes it clear that the Marxist socialist Obama plans on using her precious "facts" and "data" as a pretext to replace high fructose corn syrup with low fructose ACORN syrup. As the saying goes, you are what you eat. This country was founded on mammoth cauldrons of carbonated syrup water and family-size bags of Cheetos. Without those, what does being an American even mean? It's just a matter of time before Beck and his followers start a grassroots Soda Party to protest Obama's burgeoning nanny state. AH WAWNT MA 'MURKA BACK!!!
Michelle Obama also claims that dessert is a privilege, not a right. Dessert isn't a right? Fuck that! Health care isn't a right! Dessert most certainly is a constitutionally protected right, or haven't you read the Bible??? I know Glenn Beck loves to compare Michelle Obama to Marie Antoinette, but at least Marie Antoinette would let the French peasants eat cake. YOU CAN HAVE MY TWINKIE WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS oh and also my bloated sausage fingers, let's not forget those. Most troubling of all, Michelle Obama also claims that breastfeeding can reduce a child's chance of obesity later in life. Promoting breastfeeding? Leave it to those perverted deviant liberals to encourage sex education among INFANTS! The first time I ever had a breast in my mouth was on my honeymoon, as Lord God intended it to be. In conclusion, WOODROW WILSON VAN JONES.
Glenn Beck, age 10, none too happy about his cabbage-flavored popsicle.
Oh man y'all heard of this thing called racism? Man that shit has been on the news 24/7 up in this country named America. The NAACP accused the Tea Party of being racist, which then prompted the Tea Party to accuse the NWA--whoops I mean NAACP of reverse racism which then prompted the White House to fire a black female USDA worker on the grounds of double super inverse racism which then prompted the NAACP to apologize when it turned out aforementioned USDA worker wasn't actually racist which then prompted all of right-wing talk radio to attempt a triple Axel reverse racism toe loop by accusing the White House of rushing to judgment which then prompted me to pretty much want to leave this shithole country and never come back.
The Tea Party is standing steadfast in its idiotic assertion that all racism is equal and that context doesn't matter. Thus, one black woman initially refusing to help one white farmer is morally equivalent to millions of white farmers enslaving millions of black people for hundreds of years. In Rwanda, Hutus killed one million Tutsis but it's all good now because on March 21, 2007 a Tutsi mother of three stubbed her toe on a chair shoddily constructed by Hutu carpenters. Also, The Audacity of Hope, Barack Obama's famous manifesto on how to reclaim the American Dream, is totally racist because it was written by a black man so therefore the Tea Party's rebuttal The Audacity of Rope, an examination into the merits of lynching, is its moral equal. And here I thought conservatives were against moral relativism.
Why is February Protocol Droid History Month? How come Jawas don't get their own month?
Ice cream. It is a universally beloved dessert treat. A welcome antidote to the stifling summer. Whether enconed or in a dish, smothered in toppings or left tastefully bare, ice cream has delighted Americans of all ages, races, and creeds since the founding of this great nation. Ice cream is as American as apple pie (upon which it is often served) and baseball (to which freshly scooped spheres of it bear a strikingly close resemblance). Surely nothing typifies the American dream better than a married couple taking their children to partake in the sweet frozen ambrosia served at their local ice creamery. Gentle reader, you may now be asking yourself why your faithful writer has chosen this, his controversial sports/politics blog, as the place to broach a subject as seemingly innocent as ice cream. Is it not always best to shield our venerated icons of Americana from the befouling taint of partisan politics? In a bygone day, in a simpler time, I would have agreed. But alas, that was before my world changed. That was before I got wind of ICE CREAM GATE, the gate to end all gates. Never before has a sitting American president so perverted the meaning of something we all hold dear.
Know, gentle reader, that I did not seek out this scandal. I merely report, the decision is up to you. The facts remain; this weekend Barack Obama went to an ice cream shop in Maine, the ice cream shop's logo features a black fist clenching a black spoon, Obama himself is black, Obama ordered a vanilla waffle cone. In this case there is but one decision that any clear-thinking patriot could make: our beloved fatherland is soon to be under unrelenting attack by Marxist black supremacist forces. The symbolism in Obama's brazen act is obvious. The vanilla represents hardworking white Christian taxpayers, and Obama is devouring their creamy goodness.
Vanilla ice cream in a graham cracka baby cone
Say y'all heard of this thing called the Nine Eleven? Well now them Islamical folk want to build a mosque at Ground Zero. Technically it's 2 blocks away from Ground Zero but still I think those Moozlim prayers will pass perilously close to Ground Zero on their way to the Kaaba. So the threat to our Baby Jesus-fearing judeo-Christian nation is still very real indeed. If we U.S. Americans allow this mosque to be built I fear that the Muslim Menace will begin to escalate their ongoing conquest of America. Emboldened by our capitulation, the Muslims will no doubt start praying 6 or 7 times a day instead of the customary 5. If this rate of increase holds, the average Muslim is expected to pray an estimated 4.9 billion times a day by early 2012. I am concerned that Christian America is not equipped to handle such an escalation in the prayer race. America won the Cold War due to Ronald Reagan's ingenious invention of an extra meal between brunch and lunch, what he dubbed "brulunch", thereby increasing by 33% the number of opportunities for the average God-fearing Christian American family to say Grace. Is Barack HUSSEIN Obama prepared or even able to attempt a similar gambit? Ha! Excuse me while I laugh. Ha! Again, ha! But somehow this prayer gap must be bridged, and it must be bridged soon. United we stand, divided we kneel or bow or whatever it is they do to that weirdo God of theirs, what's his name Alla or something?
OK but seriously, former Alaskan governor and current spoken English attempter Sarah Palin has called on peaceful Muslims to "refudiate" the mosque (I guess you can't pronounce "neologism" without "allah"?). As a peaceful Muslim myself, I must politefully refusify Ms. Palin's requestation. Sorry Sarah. And for those who agree with her, there isn't any nice way of putting this: you are defective human beings. Completely lacking the capacity for rational thought is a pretty big manufacturer's error, and really y'all should consider yourself lucky that God isn't demanding a massive recall and y'all aren't sent back to your creator in your original packaging as soon as possible. By Palin's (lack of) logic, there should be no churches in Oklahoma City and no sushi restaurants in Hawaii. And all people named Katrina should be banned from New Orleans. Every time I meet someone with that name I find the situation to be "too raw, too real" and then proceed to urinate on myself while attacking said person with a baseball bat. Both of these things are illegal to do in public here in NOLA.
Oh shit y'all heard of that oil spill down in the Gulf of Mexico? I hadn't posted about it until now because I thought it would be in bad taste to minimize a tragedy as it was unfolding, but now that THAT SHIT IS OVER! I can finally make my opinion on the matter known. It might not be popular to say this, but I actually don't see what the big deal was. Why are people complaining so much? So the whole Gulf ecosystem is now ruined just so an oil company could make obscene profits, so what? All those oysters and crabs and shrimps and sea turtles and pelicans were going to be eaten anyway. And how were they going to be cooked? By deep-frying them in oil, of course. So really, we should've been thanking BP for streamlining the food preparation process. Just light all that oil on fire and enjoy the deep-fried crispy natural goodness of the Gulf Coast ecosystem!
The real losers in all of this are the corporate executives at BP. Oil is a valuable commodity last I checked (30 minutes ago) and millions upon millions of gallons of BP's oil have been released into the Gulf as a result of this spill. Much of this oil already has and will continue to wash ashore on the beaches and marshlands of the Gulf Coast, one of the poorest areas in the U.S. Technically this is BP's oil, but you better believe that those greedy Gulf Coast bastards will keep whatever oil they find on their coasts for themselves, and the fejrul gubmint won't do a thing to stop them. No wonder there has been an influx of "volunteers" down south aiming to "clean up" the Gulf Coast. I advise all y'all poor Louisianians to head on over to the coast with a bunch of buckets and just help y'allselves to some of that free oil. Now that's a stimulus! I don't see how Obama can justify taking BP's oil and redistributing it all over the Gulf Coast. Conservatives should be up in arms about this. This is the biggest redistribution of wealth since the health care bill. I bet Obama (who I recently heard being referred to by a particularly clever and informed wordsmith as "Nobama") is just trying to curry favor with voters in the Gulf Coast, since he has been historically unpopular with a certain segment of the population there. The least Obama can do is stop playing politics and reimburse BP for all the oil it lost. Rep. Joe Barton got things started in the right direction by apologizing to BP, for which he is an American hero, and now Obama needs to follow suit.
For those patriotic devotees of free enterprise who are concerned about BP's future viability as a profit-making entity, fear not: I have taken it upon myself to volunteer my expertise in corporate rebranding, leveraging the synergistic capabilities of various components across BP's corporate value chain in order to more efficiently facilitate the targeting of strategic strategies thus enabling a more frequent delivery of excess deployable business value while paradigmatically avoiding a reduction in market share among key demographics. In other words, hey what if BP branched out into the cereal game huh??
A dead pelican in every box!
Aww man y'all heard of this thing called Independence??? Well, today is the is the anniversary of the day when America done invented that independence shit way back in the day. They had all these white dudes who wore wigs, and some of them were Whigs, back in the 1700s or some shit and Ben Franklin was all like if I tie this key to this kite and fly it in a rainstorm them maybe we can capture some independence and then Thomas Edison trapped that shit in a glass tube and they were all like shit now we can have all the independence we want! But none for women and coloreds. Then they declared that shit and wrote it out on some parchment cuz there wasn't no internet back in those days and now every 4th of July we set off fireworks, which were invented in China.
Man, I love the America, but some people are starting to doubt that because of my last post, in which I stated my misgivings about the new Arizona immigration law. People been saying that the illegal immigrants, who some just call "illegals" and others call "CRIMMIGRANTS", are a burden to America and should be deported back to Hispanica where they come from. I think this is a bit harsh since illegal immigrants are still human beings last I checked (which was Thursday). Then the anti-immigration folk get red in the face and yell "WHAT PART OF 'ILLEGAL' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??!?!?!?" and I'm like I didn't know this was gonna be a vocabulary test. It's been decades since LSU paid some other dude to take my SAT so I'd be eligible to play basketball and since then my word talking skills have gotten even worst. Shit dude, this is America. I don't need to pass no literacy test to have opinions on shit and what not.
So anyway, I suppose my ancestors immigrated here illegally too. I mean, I doubt slaves had visas or green cards or any proper documentation. They just got on a cruise boat and came here so they could enjoy the good life and get fat leeching off the rest of society. I've heard they stole a SHITLOAD of white folk's farming jobs. They didn't even pay taxes either. And most of them didn't even bother to learn English. And they even had the audacity to have anchor babies! So should I be deported?
The free market at work outside of a Home Deport, oops Home Depot.
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.
