Notorious O.B.L.

Aww shit y'all heard of this dude Osama bin Laden? That's the dude what was the most wanted man in the world for like 15 years or some such. Anyways just the other day the U.S. done kilt him up good, which you've probably heard about by now unless you've been living in a cave. Speaking of living in caves, guess who wasn't??? Yeah everyone was thinking that Osama was hiding out somewheres in Afghanistan but all along he was really just chilling in a million dollar, three story mansion in the middle of a bustling, upscale Pakistani city named after some British dude (who, however successful a military man he may have been, was perhaps the worst poet ever).

I guess it's too early to accurately assess the full significance of bin Laden's death. Some athletes are even saying that maybe Osama didn't have anything to do with 9/11, that it was all a conspiracy masterminded by the U.S. government. After all, 9/11 happened PRECISELY ON SEPTEMBER 11TH!!! Of all the dates Nine Eleven could have fallen on, what are the odds of it occurring EXACTLY on September 11th? That can't just be coincidental, can it? If Rashard Mendenhall and the Truthers are right then Osama's death shouldn't have much of an effect on the War on Terror. However, I take Osama's word that he and al Qaeda were responsible for 9/11, so I think that Osama's death will inevitably have a huge impact on the War on Terror.

So that brings up the question, exactly what kind of impact? Can we Americans finally stop pissing our collective pants? Will al Qaeda collapse without its star point guard/head coach? Who will replace him? Will this situation resemble this year's Cleveland Cavaliers, when LeBenedict James took his talents to South Beach and was replaced by Joey Graham, leading to a 42-game decline? Or will it be more like the San Antonio Spurs of the late 90s when David Robinson passed the torch to Tim Duncan, resulting in the Spurs winning 4 titles over the next decade?

Unfortunately for al Qaeda, I predict the former. Without its brilliant head coach/point guard, I just don't see any way al Qaeda will be able to maintain its dominance of the Islamic Terror League. There are too many other demented and unhinged organizations that would love to take over al Qaeda's role as the preeminent terrorist group in the world, including al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Lashkar-e-Taiba, Hezbollah, Ansar al-Islam, and the Los Angeles Lakers. Looking at al Qaeda's current roster, I'm struck by their lack of young talent and quality depth. Lately they just haven't been able to attract the top young terrorist talent in free agency. I blame this on their coaching staff's inability to adjust to the needs of today's potential terrorists. It used to be easy to seduce young recruits with the promise of a generous retirement plan, but you know Muslim youth nowadays, they care more about designer jeans and fancy iPods than 72 virgins and eternity in Paradise. The terrorists of today want to work for someone who can recite Nas, not the Quran. They want Lil Wayne, not Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. It seems that Osama learned this lesson, albeit a little too late. Among the documents Navy Seals found in his compound were rough drafts of what U.S. military intelligence officers have identified as "jihad recruitment raps".

Yo it's me/ MC/
Osama/ comma/
bin Laden/ I been plottin'/ hustlin'
Finnuh unite all Muslims/
Against these crazy U.S. imperialists/
I make a call/ to yuh all/ in all seriousness/
From Baghdad to Syria/
Beirut to Liberia/
Come join my movement, among the criteria/
is you can't be down with them whack-ass Americans/
We gots to take back our land and bomb all they garrisons/
Assassinate they public figures/
Then go and celebrate with all my Muslim niggas/

I just hope he doesn't come out with any posthumous albums.


...or posthumous terrorist attacks.