Shaq's on a plane

Aww shit y'all heard of this shit called airplanes? They are just like cars only faster. And more airborne. Anyways, last week that liberal blogger from the Internet, Ariana Huffington, made news for being detained by law enforcement after she refused to turn her cell phone off during a United Airlines flight from DC to New York City. Cell phones, as we all know, can and routinely do lead to horrific crashes when used on planes. How else were the 9/11 hijackers able to find the WTC if not by using their iPhones to Google Map the directions? Luckily, 53 year-old professional floor installer slash hero Ellis Beloduff was on board and able to defuse the situation by notifying a flight attendant of Ms. Huffington's sadistically reckless behavior. Here are some excerpts of him recounting his harrowing ordeal: "I see a hand in front of me with a BlackBerry ... so I yell to [the flight attendant], 'SHE'S ON HER BLACKBERRY!!!'". However the flight attendant refuses to take immediate action. Sensing that time is running out, Mr. Beloduff escalates his warnings. "She's still on [her cell phone] and I'm ringing my buzzer. And finally I said, 'What is wrong with you?' And I'm getting louder and louder." Still no action from the flight attendant. As the tension crescendoes, Mr. Beloduff realizes that the safety of the flight rests entirely in his hands. "WAAAHHHH!!!" he bleats, while soiling himself. This proves to be the decisive stroke, as the flight attendant finally gets Ms. Hufflepuff to turn her cell phone off, but not without first getting in a shot at our hero Mr. Beloduff. "He tells me, 'Calm down, Sir! I told him I was calm. If I wasn't calm I would have ripped it out of her hand!" It's nice to see that there are still brave men out there willing to put their asses on the line and threaten physical harm to people who don't assent immediately to outdated and arbitrary orders given by a bloated government agency. Bravo, Ellis Beloduff. You narrowly averted another 9/11 with your heroic whining.

This situation calls to mind the classic thriller Snakes on a Plane, with the role of Samuel L. Jackson being played by Ellis Beloduff and the role of hundreds of venomous snakes being played by... umm... one cell phone. That movie is one of my favorites. I even tried out for the role of Man Bitten on Penis. For my audition I had to deliver the timeless line "Aw, fuck! Fucking bitch! Get off my dick! Aw, fuck! Fuck." Unfortunately I didn't get the part, probably because everyone has me typecast as a rapping genie. Life isn't fair. I also tried out for the role of Paul, who poignantly asks what is one of the deepest philosophical questions in cinematic history: "Why exactly are there snakes on this plane?" I wish I knew, Paul, I wish I knew. I mean, why exactly are there any motherfucking snakes on any motherfucking plane? Who can really say? And who among us can honestly claim that there aren't any motherfucking snakes stowed away in the motherfucking overhead bin of our psyche? What I'm trying to say is that Snakes on a Plane is a very complex metaphor and the heroic actions of Ellis Beloduff have breathed new life into it. The snakes represent the incivility and sense of entitlement that is endemic to the modern liberal mindset. The plane represents a plane.


The phone poses a much greater threat than does the venomous snake.