Eat prey, love

What up, peoplefolk? Y'all heard of this thing called FOODSTUFF??? That's what most people eat in order to live. But check it out, y'all, me and my Muslim homies and homettes can't eat none of that shit from sunup to sundown for a whole month on account of it being Ramadan right now. I'm just glad that Ramadan didn't fall during the NBA season like it has so often in years past.

Well anyway, I'm sure I'll blog more about Ramadan in the coming weeks, but now I want to share with y'all a very interesting article what I read on the world-wide interwebs. Scientists in Ethiopia recently fount proof that prehistoric Australopithecus afarensis (a surprisingly long and drawn-out name considering it has "pith" in it) from 3.4 million years ago used stone tools to butcher meat. For those of you who need background, Australianpithecus aforensics weren't members of our genus (which is--don't laugh--Homo). Rather, they arose more than a million years before Homo and are classified as early hominins (almost a homonym of "homonym"). The new finding means that our ancestors began eating meat and bone marrow 800,000 years earlier than scienticians had previously thought. Of course, this immediately and conclusively delegitimizes the entire vegetarian movement. If Lucy et al were eating delicious impala meat and wearing the latest dinosaur skin fashions some 3.4 million years ago, then who's to say that present-day humans are wrong for doing similarly? If meat was good enough for Lucy and good enough for Jesus, then by gum, it should be good enough for us too! In fact, when I'm elected Pope the first thing I'm going to do is change the Eucharist from a wafer to some sort of jerky. I think bacon will be involved too. It's supposed to be the body of Christ and last I checked Jesus wasn't made of unleavened bread. Comparing him to a cracker seems kind of racist to me now that I think about it more. Where's Andrew Breitbart when you really need him?

And I'm tired of all these liberal cardiologists from PETA telling people that red meat leads to cardiovascular disease. If that's true, how come cows, which are made ENTIRELY OF RED MEAT, very rarely need to undergo heart bypass surgery or have pacemakers installed? Huh? Answer me that, Peter Singer and Cass Sunstein! Meat is not murder. Meat doesn't kill animals, death kills animals. We evolved to what we are now solely due to eating meat as God intended us to. How else can you explain the progress from Lucy, who at a mere 3'6'' was probably known as the Muggsey Bogues of Australiansyphilis apparatus, to me, a 7'2'' Goliath of a man who has averaged 2.3 blocks per game over the course of what will surely prove to be a Hall of Fame career?