Anchors away

Say y'all heard of these things called "anchor babies"? That's the disgustingly offensive yet surprisingly accepted way of referring to babyfolk born on U.S. soil to non-resident immigrants. Thanks to highly effective fear-mongering being implemented by certain right-wingers, there is a movement afoot to get rid of birthright citizenship, which is something that is guaranteed by the 14th Amendment (of course, this is the Tea Party's least favorite amendment). Now I ain't no lawyer but I do know a few people what went to lawyer school and if they're to be believed apparently the 14th Amendment is pretty important. Among many other very important rights, the 14th Amendment confers automatic citizenship to any human born in the United States. At least I think it's limited to humans. I certainly hope so. Can y'all imagine all these illegal Mexican birds flying over the border and eating all our American crops? Then they lay all the eggs they can and their little hatchlings are automatically entitled to all the birdseed stamps they want. Shit, I used to be for the 14th Amendment but now that I think about it maybe those Tea-anderthals do have a point.

When American birds, such as the bald eagle, migrate, they do it the right way. They're here LEGALLY and they get their passports stamped when they migrate south for the winter. Not like those swarthy shifty Mexican birds, such as el aguila real. They don't even pay taxes but the gubmint lets them freeload and shit (literally) all over the American taxpayer. What we need to do is build a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very tall fence on the border to keep them lazy hollow-boned egg-laying moochers out. I bet they don't even speak English. The other day I saw a mama bird regurgitate its food and feed it to its chicks. How sick is that shit? Someone call Social Services on their feathered asses. It doesn't take a genius to see the connection between our lenient treatment of illegal Mexican birds and the recent salmonella epidemic. If we continue to appease Los Pajaros Peligrosos and their open border agenda, we'll inevitably succumb to bird flu or ebola or Montezuma's Revenge or whatever biological weapon of mass destruction they're currently working on. And where is Obama in all of this? He's been suspiciously silent on this issue. Instead of acting boldly, he's walking on eggshells (ha!). He really laid an egg (ha!) on this one.

But anyway, back to humans, which was the original point of this post before I got sidetracked. So it's bad enough that some Republican politicians are harping on "anchor babies" in order to create a climate of fear amongst the more primitive and suggestible portion of the populace just in time for election season. What's worse is that some spectacularly demented politicians are going so far as to raise a new conspiracy: TERROR BABIES!!! This is so bizarre and unhinged a conspiracy theory that I can't really summarize it, so please please please just click on the link. The gist of it, if I follow correctly, is that terrorist groups will partner with illegal immigrants to form a Latino-Arab-Islamist supergroup named El Qaeda, which will then recruit pregnant women to cross the border while they're in labor and plop out their dusky bundles of joy onto U.S. soil. These terror babies will then have all the advantages of U.S. citizenship, which will of course make it easier for them to implement their master plan of placing explosives into our nation's tomato supply, to which they will have sole access since it will be their job to harvest all America's produce. The plan will come to fruition (I'm not sure if this is a pun or not) during Ramadan of 2028, while American Muslims are all fasting, thus ensuring that they will be spared from the carnage. So I'd just like to thank Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), not only for warning us about terror babies and their impending gazpacho Gestapo, but for also giving me the inspiration for the name of my new band. Look for the Terror Babies' first album to drop sometime in early 2011.

When Arizona looks kinda weird and you wish that you weren't there...