Marriage is gay

Oh man y'all heard of this state called NEW YORK?? Their governor is such a Cuomo that he just signed a bill making gay marriage legal. It's a remarkable development, one that will most likely lead to further gains in the battle for gay civil rights. Predictably, many conservatives around the country are complaining about it, claiming that by acquiescing to the immoral Homo-sexual Lobby, America has doomed itself to a swift and inevitable collapse. 

Conservatives are always silly and usually evil, so it may be difficult to take anything they say seriously, but they may actually have a point here. After all, Al Qaeda attacked the Twin Towers solely because they looked like two gigantic erections that were perilously close to touching. Only in a decadent, morally bankrupt society could such blatantly homosexual architecture be allowed to exist. America let teh Homo-sexual Lobby take control of our urban planning, and we paid the price. So surely we'd be safer by restricting gay rights rather than expanding them? If we turn ourselves into a mirror image of the Taliban, terrorists wouldn't think of attacking us again, right? This line of thinking may have its merits, but I think good ol' Ben Franklin had it right when he famously said, "those who would give up essential homosexuality to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither homosexuality nor safety."

The truth is that gay rights make America safer. Obama repealed Don't Ask, Don't Tell and a few months later, boom, we killed bin Laden. There's no way this was just a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences. I also don't believe in dinosaurs, eskimos, or vaccination. Fundamentalist Islamists hate gay people, so Osama must've been terrified to hear that the U.S. was coming after him with a military full of TEH GAZE. I very much doubt we would have been able to kill bin Laden if Seal Team 6 wasn't made up exclusively of homosexuals.

With all that being said, I guess I do sympathize with the feeble-minded haters who want gay marriage to remain illegal. I mean, they're right that Obama is completely in thrall to the Homo-sexual Lobby, which is a problem because it's keeping him from devoting enough of his energy to the pharmaceutical, banking, oil, and defense lobbies. It's not like the Teabaggers' demands are irrational or excessive. They're just against Obama's huge radical agenda being rammed down America's throat. I mean, why does he have to ram it down our throat? Why can't he just gently and lovingly dip his wrinkled agenda repeatedly into America's mouth? Is that too much to ask? Maybe conservatives are right when they say that at this criticial juncture in America's history, we should be curtailing civil rights, not increasing them. After all, the Ancient Greeks were all about gay sex, and just look at Greece's economy now. Zeus created Paris and Helen, not Paris and Hellen. Wokka wokka. I know that's bad, but it's the best I can do off the top of my head. I'm sure there's a Uranus and Gaia joke out there somewhere, but I'm too lazy to dig for it.

Shortly after the bill passed, King Kong and his gay lover laid waste to New York City.