Aflac Shrugged

Oh man y'all heard of this shit called health insurance? That's this thing that costs hundreds of dollars every month as long as you never use it and then finally when the time comes that you do have to use it, you have to pay a few thousand more dollars for the privilege of doing so. Oh yeah and sometimes it's sold to you by a duck (this differentiates it from car insurance, which is sold by lizards, or, if you're in the greater Chicagoland area, a giant eagle-human hybrid). Well it turns out that the Aflac spokesduck was recently fired for tweeting some offensive shit in the aftermath of the tsunami in Japan. I never took him to be a mean racist. I mean, he was so adorbs in those commercials, the way he went around all quacking and such, as ducks are wont to do. I'm so offended by all this that I am going to boycott health insurance until that duck apologizes.

I'm not sure if Aflac can stay afloat (ha!) without its star spokesduck. Making matters worse is the passage of Obamacare, with its job-killing ban on denying insurance to people with pre-existing conditions. Aflac obviously wants healthy people to live long and keep paying for their plans while using no services, and once people get sick and become net liabilities, for those people to die immediately. It's just Economics 101. I think it might also be cross-listed as Sociopathy 101. Anyway, the point is that Obama apparently failed Economics since he wants to deny health insurance companies their God given right to doggedly pursue profits above all else. It's downright saintly of health insurance executives to not go around killing anyone who has so much as a cough, but of course Obama doesn't see it that way.

The insurance companies aren't the only ones who'll suffer. I also feel bad for currently uninsured people (like me) who will be FORCED to buy health insurance because of Obamacare. A while ago I tried to get health insurance, but the insurance company told me that life is a terminal illness (which is strictly true) and thus merely being alive is a pre-existing condition which rendered me uninsurable. At the time I was pissed, but now I love not having health insurance. It really frees up my expenses so I can spend money on things I actually want, i.e. illegal firearms to protect me during the coming apocalypse and tons of nonprescription Oxycontin to suppress the blinding pain in which I live everyday, pain that I can only assume is the result of various chronic untreated medical conditions. Umm, so anyway where was I? Oh yeah, where in the Constitution does it say that THE GUBMINT can FORCE you to buy health care from a DUCK??? OMABACARE IS UNCONSTITUITIONAL!!! And here I thought it was a free country. But wait, I guess it is a FREE country, IF YOU'R A POOR PERSON WITH CANCER WHO WANTS A GOUBMINT HANDOUT JUST SO YOU CAN MAINTAINTAIN YOUR LAVISH LIFESTYLE OF BEING ALIVE.

Anyway I suppose that Aflac needs a new spokesduck, ideally one that isn't as controversial as the previous one. Maybe even someone who will help lead the charge against Obamacare. I have a suggestion:


When there's trouble you call George W.