Uncommon Pallor*

The internets are fuming, and rightly so, over the White House invitation Michelle Obama extended to Chicago-based poet Common. I'm not familiar with this "Common" (that CAN'T be his real name?), but my sources say he apparently raps hip-hop and writes poetry in the urban vernacular. I feel like I vaguely remember him from somewhere, but I can't quite place it. Oh well. Hopefully it'll come to me later, right now I gotta go hop in my Lincoln Navigator and take a quick trip down to the Gap.

Commongate may seem ridiculously ignorant and even a little racist by some, but I actually agree with Sarah Palin et al on this one. Rhyming is an abomination. If God had intended for words to rhyme, he would have created Steve and Eve, not Adam and Eve. These intemperate "poets" and their libertine "poetry" are to blame for America's decline. Back in my day everyone was illiterate and our entire vocabulary consisted of just 5 verbs and 7 nouns, none of which rhymed, and by gum we liked it that way! This was before the war, mind you, and before all them Yankee carpetbaggers done come round these parts with their fancy book-larnin', corrupting us with their elitist diction and Ivy League indoor plumbing. WHAT I LACK IN VOCABULARY I MAKE UP FOR IN VOLUME!!!

Some liberals are saying that this whole toot about Common is yet another manifestation of white Conservatives' constant but usually concealed anxiety with all things urban (except for Keith Urban). But honestly, so what if Conservatives are afraid of black people? So what if every time they hear the word "rap" they immediately go into a Pavlovian fit, clutching their purses, flooring their SUVs, and fleeing to the sterile safety and empty opulence of their gated, McMansioned communities? I mean, I'm afraid of the dark, does that make me a racist? Sometimes it's just common (ha!) sense to be afraid of things that are dangerous. And Common, being as gangster as they come, is obviously dangerous. You might even say he's a menace to society. I've even seen pictures of him wearing a do-rag and jewelry. Can you imagine that? A grown man wearing jewelry? My word! Having poets visit the White House sends the wrong message to kids. Dancing outside the White House like bloodthirsty buffoons to celebrate shooting someone in the face, however...

*cf.