Oil's well that ends well

Oh shit y'all heard of that oil spill down in the Gulf of Mexico? I hadn't posted about it until now because I thought it would be in bad taste to minimize a tragedy as it was unfolding, but now that THAT SHIT IS OVER! I can finally make my opinion on the matter known. It might not be popular to say this, but I actually don't see what the big deal was. Why are people complaining so much? So the whole Gulf ecosystem is now ruined just so an oil company could make obscene profits, so what? All those oysters and crabs and shrimps and sea turtles and pelicans were going to be eaten anyway. And how were they going to be cooked? By deep-frying them in oil, of course. So really, we should've been thanking BP for streamlining the food preparation process. Just light all that oil on fire and enjoy the deep-fried crispy natural goodness of the Gulf Coast ecosystem!

The real losers in all of this are the corporate executives at BP. Oil is a valuable commodity last I checked (30 minutes ago) and millions upon millions of gallons of BP's oil have been released into the Gulf as a result of this spill. Much of this oil already has and will continue to wash ashore on the beaches and marshlands of the Gulf Coast, one of the poorest areas in the U.S. Technically this is BP's oil, but you better believe that those greedy Gulf Coast bastards will keep whatever oil they find on their coasts for themselves, and the fejrul gubmint won't do a thing to stop them. No wonder there has been an influx of "volunteers" down south aiming to "clean up" the Gulf Coast. I advise all y'all poor Louisianians to head on over to the coast with a bunch of buckets and just help y'allselves to some of that free oil. Now that's a stimulus! I don't see how Obama can justify taking BP's oil and redistributing it all over the Gulf Coast. Conservatives should be up in arms about this. This is the biggest redistribution of wealth since the health care bill. I bet Obama (who I recently heard being referred to by a particularly clever and informed wordsmith as "Nobama") is just trying to curry favor with voters in the Gulf Coast, since he has been historically unpopular with a certain segment of the population there. The least Obama can do is stop playing politics and reimburse BP for all the oil it lost. Rep. Joe Barton got things started in the right direction by apologizing to BP, for which he is an American hero, and now Obama needs to follow suit.

For those patriotic devotees of free enterprise who are concerned about BP's future viability as a profit-making entity, fear not: I have taken it upon myself to volunteer my expertise in corporate rebranding, leveraging the synergistic capabilities of various components across BP's corporate value chain in order to more efficiently facilitate the targeting of strategic strategies thus enabling a more frequent delivery of excess deployable business value while paradigmatically avoiding a reduction in market share among key demographics. In other words, hey what if BP branched out into the cereal game huh??


A dead pelican in every box!