Like the other day after I heard that Justice John Paul Jones was finnuh peace out of the Supreme Court, I was unsure what to think. On the one hand, dude went to UChicago so how smart can he possibly be, but on the other hand I don't know what the Supreme Court even is is it anything like a regulation NBA court how high are the hoops I've never heard of it they must play in the Western Conference right? Fuck Kobe. But then Glenn came to rescue me from the evil clutches of ignorance, giving me all the information and context necessary for me to form a coherent opinion. It's obvious that President Obama is gonna select a gay, handicapped (redundant?), black, female of the immigrant persuasion to succeed Justice What's-His-Face. This, of course, is an outrage. Black people complain about how they're minorities and what not, but they already control all major positions of power in this country. Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are black. Clarence Thomas is black. Some of Glenn Beck's best friends are black. For Pete's sake, black people currently comprise HALF OF THE PRESIDENCY! HALF!!! Geez, that's some minority. Plus black people kicked the white people's asses in the Civil War. Most importantly, there have been EIGHT Pope Urbans throughout history. So it's plain to see that black people have both secular and religious institutional power on par with, if not exceeding, that of whitefolk.
As far as teh gays go, I don't see how a group of people who routinely use JUDICIAL ACTIVISM to further their diabolical agenda can be trusted with a seat on the highest court in the land. In fact, due to the Homosexual Lobby, California was forced to pass Proposition 8, which I just learned from Glenn Beck is not a hemorrhoid cream. Call me a haterosexual if you must, but I believe Lord God Jesus created Adam & Eve, not Madam & Eve. Adam & Eve, not Adam & some sexy hung gay dude. With rock hard abs. Who can dance. And is witty. And hung, in case I hadn't mentioned that before. I think his name has to be Steve in order for the joke to work, but whatevs. What was I saying? Oh yeah, Glenn Beck. If the liberals get their way and say that one gay man can marry another gay man, then who's to say that same gay man can't marry a gay horse? Or a gay waffle maker? IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING IN EUROPE, PEOPLE!!!
Some liberals might think that Glenn Beck is just a paranoid idiot whose rantings about impending communism are borne of a delusional fear that Obama will redistribute chins, thus leaving poor Glenn deprived of his hard earned and much cherished surplus, but I beg to differ. Glenn Beck is a legitimate American hero. Those who ignore or underestimate him do so at their own peril. As the leader of the ascendant Tea Party movement, he is definitely poised to be one of America's most prominent and relevant intellectuals for years to come. He deserves a place in the pantheon of great Conservative thinkers, amongst such giants of American Conservatism as Ronald Reagan, William F. Buckley, Barry Goldwater, and Jim Crow. I'd like to imagine that the aforementioned Mr. Buckley, if he were around to do so, would appreciate our Mr. Beck taking it upon himself to be the loudest voice standing athwart History, yelling "ZOMG OBAMAz A MARXIST SOCISLIST MUST BE STOPPED!!! REVERND WRIGHT KENYA FREDOM BALCK LIBERATION @#$% TOTES OLIGARHY### VAN JONES VAN JONES VAN JONES!!!"
"Fuck you, that's my name. You know why, mister? You took government-provided public transportation to get here, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW (which I was able to afford because I single-handedly pulled myself up by my own bootstraps like a Randian demigod of capitalism, amassing a fortune in the tried and true American way, and before you go saying that I had help from my parents or public education or whatever, I'll have you know that I sprung from the Earth itself like the autochthonous Athenians of ancient Greek lore, and as far as the public education thing well, shit, I can't read and I can barely write, so there's that refuted quite nicely wouldn't you say?). THAT'S my name."
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