Mohammed, Mo' Problems

Say y'all ever heard of this thing called Eid al-Fitr? That's pretty much the most important Muslim holiday of the year, I mean it's either that or Valentine's Day, take your pick. So anyways, this year's Eid was controversial because it coincided with 9/11, which some people think is a Muslim holy day too but is actually not. This September 11th was also International Burn a Koran Day thanks to Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida. So on one hand his was a horrible idea that could've only been worse if he meant "Korean" rather than "Koran". But on the other hand, I kinda understand him. Autumn is coming up and it can get quite cold down there in Florida, plus with gas prices through the roof, heating costs can be exorbitant. Using books as kindling makes economic sense, and anyway it's not as if anyone in Jones' congregation knows how to read so the books would otherwise just go to waste. But why use the Koran? Well, the Koran is really thick and it emits more BTUs of heat than any other holy book, according to scientists at the National Institute of Standards and Technology. In fact, the current latent heat exchange rate has one Koran equivalent to 2.3 Bibles (KJV) and 3.1 Mahabharatas. However, none of these great holy books can even approach the awesome exothermic potential of Atlas Shrugged, which measures a whopping 5.7 Korans. Unfortunately, burning Atlas Shrugged releases highly toxic pollution which has been known to cause developmental defects if inhaled by teenagers. Pastor Jones surely knew this and decided instead to go the safe route. I'm sure even Allah himself would be willing to see a few Korans set ablaze if it meant saving impressionable youth from becoming Objectivists.

In other Islam-related news, people are still bitching about the Ground Zero Victory Mosque and Cracker Baby Re-education Camp proposed Islamic community center in lower Manhattan. I know I've written about it before, but I still can't wrap my head around all this opposition to something so benign. I mean, the imam behind the community center is a moderate Sufi. Sufis are basically the hippies of Islam. You know that famous poem, "a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou/ beside me singing in the wilderness"? That was written by a Sufi. Scary shit, huh? It's not exactly what you'd expect to see in an Al Qaeda jihad manual. The idea of an Islamic equivalent to the YMCA appeals to me because I think it would be nice if the American Muslim community had a Reformation of sorts at some point, some moderating influence to tell people to chill out like Martin Luther did when he stepped to the Pope in 1519 and was all like "I got 95 theses but a bitch ain't one" and then he marched on Washington DC and was all like "no lie can live forever" and "I have a dream" and what not. Or something. My grasp of history is tenuous because I majored in basketball at LSU. I do know how many points are in a three-pointer as well as how many dribbles are in a double-dribble. Can't no one match my knowledge on the hardcourt.

So in conclusion let me leave y'all with a hypothesis I just done hypothesized. Most sane, decent Americans hate Al Qaeda because they disagree with Al Qaeda's philosophy, but it seems like some elements of the right wing hate Al Qaeda out of mere jealousy. Islamic terrorists are beating them at their own game! Sure, some idiot pastor in bumfuck Florida can threaten to burn a bunch of Korans, but the Taliban BLEW UP TWO OF THE WORLD'S OLDEST, BIGGEST BUDDHA STATUES. That's hardcore right there. I'm beginning to think that certain segments of conservative America are cut from the same cloth as the Islamic fundamentalists we are at war with. If those two groups were to switch places, not much would change. It's just that America has a functioning democratic society where any attempt by right-wing crazies to use fear and violence to bludgeon the population into conforming to their strict dogma would be counter-productive, not to mention socially unacceptable. And luckily, our fundamentalists are so distracted by their huge flat screen TVs and endless supplies of fattening foods that their basest urges are somewhat placated and they find other, more socially acceptable and less violent, outlets for their fundamentalist tendencies. Like going to Tea Party rallies and gun ranges. And forwarding racist emails to their relatives.


Everything I ever needed to know about Islam I learned on 9/11. No, really. I took a day-long seminar in college as a requirement for my International Relations major. It just happened to be offered on 9/11. Weird coincidence, I know.