Awww steeznart you all! Y'all heard of this Gilligan/ Barney Fife/ Mr. Rogers/ Kenneth the Page looking dude from Louisiana named Bobby Jindal? He's currently the "Governor" of Louisiana and he was also running for President, but sadly he recently dropped out of the race. It's a shame because had Jindal won the Presidency, it would have been an historic occasion. He would have been our great country's 44th white President. And as he was rumored to choose Rachel Dolezal as his running mate, we also missed out on our first female Vice President. I was really curious as to whether his Presidential portrait could ever top his gubernatorial one.
That portrait is a good jump-off point for a discussion about two of Jindal's biggest perceived flaws: his inauthenticity and desperate need to fit in. This often manifests in him disavowing his Indian roots while playing up a fake Southern good ol' boy persona to curry (whoops) favor with his conservative constituency. Whoever painted that portrait literally whitewashed history. I mean he really Sammy Sosa'd it. The average online dating profile pic more accurately portrays its subject than that portrait does.
He famously changed his name when he was a kid because of his love for The Brady Bunch. People make fun of him for this, but changing one's name from "Piyush" to something more acceptable to Western ears is hardly uncommon. Brady Bunch-inspired name changing helped out the career of the former Piyush Brewer, love child of Emperor Palpatine and the Cryptkeeper, who changed her name to Jan and somehow became Governor of Arizona. Then there's the story of Piyush Woods, whose fondness for the Brady family's dog led him to rename himself Tiger and take up golfing. You probably know about Tom Brady, but did you know that once upon a time he was just a skinny football-loving youth from California named Tom Piyush? His obsession with the The Brady Bunch moved him to change his name and now the rest is history. Like Jindal, the former Tom Piyush also has some experience with less-than-accurate portraits.
Sure, Jindal takes his need to assimilate into mainstream White American culture a bit too far, but I think it comes mainly from a benign place of genuine appreciation for American pop culture rather a cynical ploy to manipulate white voters. In addition to his aforementioned love for The Brady Bunch, he also performed an exorcist in college presumably in homage to his favorite horror movie, and, as this picture shows, a young Jindal was clearly a big fan of Welcome Back, Kotter.
Like the titular hero, his dreams (of the White House) were his ticket out, but unlike the good-natured and avuncular Mr. Kotter, I highly doubt Jindal will be welcomed back to Louisiana after his aborted Presidential campaign. We haven't forgotten that Bobby Jindaled while Louisiana burned. We're still near the bottom in health, education, income, environment, etc., but hey at least it is now harder for gay people to buy cakes. We're near the top for ringworms, alcohol-induced blackouts, potholes, crawfish-induced blackouts, juvenile diabetes, Juvenile diabetes, adult diabetes, teenage diabetes, pet diabetes, and dangerously high levels of butter in our blood. In fact, the average Louisianian is now 17% butter.
With his dismal record in Louisiana, it's no wonder that his Presidential campaign never gained traction. His list of donors, aka Ganges List, was meager. Setting himself apart from the crowd proved to be an impossible task, since at last count the number of GOP challengers was 81 and continues to grow daily. At this point if you're an out-of-touch old white man you're 3 times more likely to be a GOP Presidential candidate than to get prostate cancer. Bobby just couldn't compete with those odds.
So now lame duck Iowa resident Bobby Jindal can finally turn his attention back to Louisiana. Oh great. He, the son of immigrants himself, has for some reason made it his obsession to thwart immigration and degrade immigrants at every turn. He says he "doesn't believe in hyphenated Americans," which is kind of hypocritical for an Idiot-American to say. First they came for the hyphens, and I did not speak out because I was not hyphenated... But once Bobby takes away our hyphens, what's next? Our colons? Question marks? Interrobangs?! And he better not mess with our sacred emojis (one of which was actually Oxford Dictionary's 2015 word of the year!). YOU CAN PRY MY SHRUGGIE DUDE OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Jobby Bindle so eloquently stated on Twitter that "immigration without assimilation is not immigration, it is invasion." It’s like Thomas Edison said, "immigration is one percent assimilation and 99 percent perspiration." Because hiking through the desert for days in the scorching heat is bound to get you all gross and sweaty. That’s why you gotta take a refreshing dip in the Rio Grande.
Recently the Piyush bag has had the gall to declare that Louisiana will not be accepting any Syrian refugees. He and most other Republican governors are turning America's old motto "E Pluribus Unum" on its head, but I guess "E Pluribus Screw 'Em" has a nice ring to it. Personally, I think it's a heartwarming example of genuine Christian charity. Can you imagine fleeing some wartorn third-world hellhole just to find yourself in Louisiana, of all places? Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire.
In other Louisiana politics news, Senator Pampers is running to replace "Governor" Jindal. His last ditch effort to appeal to the selfish cowardly racists among us has him amping up the anti-Syrian refugee rhetoric as the election draws nearer. When the Syrian refugees make Louisianans shit themselves in fear, Diaper Dave will be prepared. He's the man we can depend on to wipe out the threat. All 14 of them. Anyway, Election Day is today, so don't forget to vote! Unless you plan on voting for Vitter, in which case ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
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| The Picture of Dorian White |
That portrait is a good jump-off point for a discussion about two of Jindal's biggest perceived flaws: his inauthenticity and desperate need to fit in. This often manifests in him disavowing his Indian roots while playing up a fake Southern good ol' boy persona to curry (whoops) favor with his conservative constituency. Whoever painted that portrait literally whitewashed history. I mean he really Sammy Sosa'd it. The average online dating profile pic more accurately portrays its subject than that portrait does.
He famously changed his name when he was a kid because of his love for The Brady Bunch. People make fun of him for this, but changing one's name from "Piyush" to something more acceptable to Western ears is hardly uncommon. Brady Bunch-inspired name changing helped out the career of the former Piyush Brewer, love child of Emperor Palpatine and the Cryptkeeper, who changed her name to Jan and somehow became Governor of Arizona. Then there's the story of Piyush Woods, whose fondness for the Brady family's dog led him to rename himself Tiger and take up golfing. You probably know about Tom Brady, but did you know that once upon a time he was just a skinny football-loving youth from California named Tom Piyush? His obsession with the The Brady Bunch moved him to change his name and now the rest is history. Like Jindal, the former Tom Piyush also has some experience with less-than-accurate portraits.
Sure, Jindal takes his need to assimilate into mainstream White American culture a bit too far, but I think it comes mainly from a benign place of genuine appreciation for American pop culture rather a cynical ploy to manipulate white voters. In addition to his aforementioned love for The Brady Bunch, he also performed an exorcist in college presumably in homage to his favorite horror movie, and, as this picture shows, a young Jindal was clearly a big fan of Welcome Back, Kotter.
 |
| Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause he was a fucking awful Governor |
Like the titular hero, his dreams (of the White House) were his ticket out, but unlike the good-natured and avuncular Mr. Kotter, I highly doubt Jindal will be welcomed back to Louisiana after his aborted Presidential campaign. We haven't forgotten that Bobby Jindaled while Louisiana burned. We're still near the bottom in health, education, income, environment, etc., but hey at least it is now harder for gay people to buy cakes. We're near the top for ringworms, alcohol-induced blackouts, potholes, crawfish-induced blackouts, juvenile diabetes, Juvenile diabetes, adult diabetes, teenage diabetes, pet diabetes, and dangerously high levels of butter in our blood. In fact, the average Louisianian is now 17% butter.
With his dismal record in Louisiana, it's no wonder that his Presidential campaign never gained traction. His list of donors, aka Ganges List, was meager. Setting himself apart from the crowd proved to be an impossible task, since at last count the number of GOP challengers was 81 and continues to grow daily. At this point if you're an out-of-touch old white man you're 3 times more likely to be a GOP Presidential candidate than to get prostate cancer. Bobby just couldn't compete with those odds.
So now lame duck Iowa resident Bobby Jindal can finally turn his attention back to Louisiana. Oh great. He, the son of immigrants himself, has for some reason made it his obsession to thwart immigration and degrade immigrants at every turn. He says he "doesn't believe in hyphenated Americans," which is kind of hypocritical for an Idiot-American to say. First they came for the hyphens, and I did not speak out because I was not hyphenated... But once Bobby takes away our hyphens, what's next? Our colons? Question marks? Interrobangs?! And he better not mess with our sacred emojis (one of which was actually Oxford Dictionary's 2015 word of the year!). YOU CAN PRY MY SHRUGGIE DUDE OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
 |
| Who all seen Jindal doing any meaningful legislative work over the past couple years say yeeeaaahhh! *Crickets* |
Jobby Bindle so eloquently stated on Twitter that "immigration without assimilation is not immigration, it is invasion." It’s like Thomas Edison said, "immigration is one percent assimilation and 99 percent perspiration." Because hiking through the desert for days in the scorching heat is bound to get you all gross and sweaty. That’s why you gotta take a refreshing dip in the Rio Grande.
Recently the Piyush bag has had the gall to declare that Louisiana will not be accepting any Syrian refugees. He and most other Republican governors are turning America's old motto "E Pluribus Unum" on its head, but I guess "E Pluribus Screw 'Em" has a nice ring to it. Personally, I think it's a heartwarming example of genuine Christian charity. Can you imagine fleeing some wartorn third-world hellhole just to find yourself in Louisiana, of all places? Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire.
In other Louisiana politics news, Senator Pampers is running to replace "Governor" Jindal. His last ditch effort to appeal to the selfish cowardly racists among us has him amping up the anti-Syrian refugee rhetoric as the election draws nearer. When the Syrian refugees make Louisianans shit themselves in fear, Diaper Dave will be prepared. He's the man we can depend on to wipe out the threat. All 14 of them. Anyway, Election Day is today, so don't forget to vote! Unless you plan on voting for Vitter, in which case ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
1 comment:
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