Hastert the Bastert

or is that "Dennis the Mennis"? Anyway, just had to tell y'all I saw that dude who Speakz in da House up close and in person the other day. I was in DC to see the Pixies in concert, and beforehand we decided to pregame at this place by the Maison Blanche called Old Ebbitt Grill. So I rolls up to it, and who else do I see but Dennis Hastert, the morbidly obese Speaker udda House! Man he was wearing this uber-festive bright red Christmas sweater. Quite unflattering. With a physique such as his, it's a very bad decision to call attention to oneself like that. Tha ladeez wasn't havin none of it so he was relegated to sitting with one of his Republican homeez. I was awestruck by his presence. They got this one channel on TV which stars him like 24/7. I want to have my own channel, so I had a few things I wanted to ask him. At first I was shy 'cause he was just chillin and eatin on some foods. But finally, apres a few drinks, I went up to him and was like, "Daps to dat boy who be passin' that Intel Reform Bill!!!". I went to give him daps but I guess he was unfamiliar with that particular display of respect and admiration, what with it being prevalent primarily among urban(e) youth. So he mistook it as me trying to punch him and called his bodyguards over. In the ensuing tussle they spilled wine all over my threads. Fuck Dennis Hastert. Seriously, if any of y'all Illannoyan cats live in his congressional district, don't vote for him. Fuck him and his National Sales Tax. And his maw.

They love to play for the World Best Fan

Shaqdaddy back up in this, check out my flavor! Anyways, over at Morris' excellent blog, Down With Whitey, the topic of the 1985-1986 Chicago Bears came up. I just want to use this space to state, without equivocation, that them Bears was the best team in any sport in the history of this universe. Yes, folks, that includes all the teams my 7'2" ass been on.

But even more importantly, they were a cultural phenomenon that transcended mere sports. They transformed the world of art. Their hit rap song, Super Bowl Shuffle, is one of the most influential songs of all time. I think it's safe to say that without them there would be no NWA, Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z, Twista, Beatles, Lil' Jon, or Radiohead (to name but 7). Countless aspiring guitarists in the mid-80s grew up wanting nothing more than to emulate their hero, Mike Tomczak, as he rocked out on lead guitar. Reggie Phillips showed his subtle mastery of the bongos, an instrument that he himself invented. Mike Singletary's avant garde choreography for the video predated Darren's Dance Grooves by more than 15 years yet holds up remarkably well when seen through 21st-century eyes. Their artistic integrity is even more remarkable when juxtaposed against the prefabricated lip-syncing pop tarts and pathetically talentless "crossover" athletes (myself excluded; I'm awesome) of the modern day. Consider: an entire team of elite professional athletes who also happen to be accomplished musicians writing their own rap song (thereby aiding immeasurably to the evolution of a nascent musical genre that would achieve the preeminent place atop the charts only a decade later) and earning a Grammy nomination in the process. It is unreasonable to expect to see anything like that these days. Their team policy of "practice all day, dance all night" provided the balance that ensured that the perfection of their art would not be done at the expense of their football skills. Thus, they were "ready for the Sunday fight" and rose above braggadocio by indeed winning the Super Bowl.

And as if that weren't enough, they also had a pronounced impact on world political and social policy. Many people don’t remember this, but the United States in the mid-80s was riven with prejudice, discrimination, and segregation. Society was splintered as certain groups of people eyed certain other groups with suspicion to the extent that each group retreated into itself. The lack of interaction across segments of the population precluded humanity from reaching its full potential. Sometimes the segregation was voluntary, but most times it was enforced or at least enabled by poorly fashioned, divisive policy such as Reagan's disastrous "Hobo and Homo Removal Act of 1983" and the U.S. Marines' ill-fated decision to invade Harlem and replace the native government with a pro-gentrification junta. The state of football mirrored the sad state of society in general. As ridiculous as it seems now, back in those days it was considered scandalous for members of the offense to mingle with members of the defense. Pre-Super Bowl Shuffle, teams often had separate locker rooms for offense and defense. Members of the defense were forced to sit in the back of the team bus. Cornerbacks earned 75 cents for every dollar earned by wide receivers. Churches frequented by linebackers were often razed to the ground by throngs of crazed fullbacks.

It was against this backdrop of strife and tumult that the 1985-1986 Chicago Bears introduced the world to their Super Bowl Shuffle. What a revelation it was. Here you had offense and defense putting aside their traditional animosities and sharing the same stage together. Running backs rapping alongside safeties. Nose guards breaking bread with centers. Finally, an NFL team's offense realized that they could neither "run like lightning" nor "pass like thunder" without the help of a defense that could "stop the run, stop the pass", and "like[d] to dump guys on their ass". The culmination of the Chicago Bears' mission to tear down the barrier that had always existed between offense and defense was Coach Mike Ditka's decision to use William "The Refrigerator" Perry, his portly gap-toothed defensive lineman, as a running back in Super Bowl XX. The Fridge's touchdown in that game set off fevered celebrations all over the world.

The 1985-1986 Chicago Bears' brazen disregard for the bigoted ways of old had far-reaching ramifications on the global social structure. Suddenly the previously unspoken hopes of long-suffering defensive personnel had found a voice and were on their way to being realized. The synthesis of offense and defense had finally been achieved. Now, there was only The Shuffle. A global epiphany soon followed. People began to admit to the illogical and destructive nature of their former prejudices. As those in power realized that their control over the masses by fear and ignorance was tenuous, they began to strike discriminatory laws off the books. In 5 short years a groundswell of popular rebellion led to the dissolution of the Soviet Union and a move towards democracy. One year later the United States elected its first black president, Bill Clinton. A mere 2 years later South Africa ended its policy of apartheid and held its first nation-wide all-race elections. And in a bit of poetic justice, William "The Fridge" Perry was elected president in a landslide. As the famed Samuel Dosterdand, haiku writer and Poet Laureate of Greenland, has so eloquently noted,

"He is the rookie.

The others, they learn from him.

He's no dumb cookie."

Age ain't nothing but a number denoting how old you are

Yo, any of y'all know the age of consent in Florida? It's not higher than 13, is it? Just asking is all.

Get UR Thank On

Yo, y'all heard about yesterday being Thanksgiving? I would've blogged about it yesterday, but I was too bizzy eating turkeys and what not. Anyway, what are y'all thankful for? I told Lord Jesus that I was thankful that the Puritans pulled off Operation Iroquois Freedom successfully. Them redskins wasn't even doing nothing cool with all this land anyways. Now that we liberated them we got cool shit like highways and strip malls and stip clubs and Wal Marts and freedoms. Is y'all thankful for all y'all freedoms? I hope y'all is. What is y'all's favorite freedoms? My favorite freedoms is the freedom to shoot things with big guns and the freedom to marry one person of the opposite sex. Anyways, I hope y'all had a Happy Thanksgiving and that my LSU Tigers win today.

Artested Development

Yo! Just to add a little to my previous post, I been told that Ron Artest, in addition to getting his ass suspended for tha rest of the season, also got his salary taken from him. Damn, David Stern, why you takin' away a woadie's livelihood like that? I wrote a rap to express my solidarity with Ron.

Ain't no one Sterner than David/
Takin' away a Negro's yearly payment/
Damn, Mister Commissioner/
Instead of embracing Lady Liberty/ you be straight-up dissin' her/
Showin' the world the NBA's racial prejudice/
So future generations can read about it in the Summa de Legibus/

Spizz Nencer James been tryin' to tell me that when in Rome I should do as the Romans do and go ballistic on the fans next time them be booin' me at the three frow line. But I say "Fuck Rome, I'm representin' Carthage!"

This kind of shit would never have happened if Kerry had been elected

Check it, that dude Moweez got a kwetchin for my ass:

"...i seen on the bulls schedule that yo ass will be returnin to the united center soon. i could get some tix? i promise that i wont throw no beer on you cuz i wuddnt want yo ass to get suspended for the rest of the seesin like that artist feller. what you think bout what happened to yo colleagues in indiana?"

Man, I was holding off on commenting on that fracas up in D-Troit on account of I don't know what to think of it. That was some crazy sheez-nit. First of all, shame on the fans. Did y'all see how much food and drinks they wasted? It's like they don't even know the definition of wise consumin'!!! I'm sure they gots some folks in the Sudan could use all that wasted popcorn, beer, hot dogs, and such to extend their lives. Y'all seen when Jermaine O'Neal got all that popcorn thrown at him? I bet that negro wasn't even hungry. But still, that doesn't absolve the players. Just because some fans offer you copious amounts of food and drink when you're not hungry or thirsty doesn't mean you can go into the stands and beat the shit out of them, even if they are from D-Troit. What I would have done is said something like, "Thanks, that's very gracious of you to offer, but I had a big lunch before the game, and I'm kind of meeting my wife and kids for burgers after the game, perhaps we can take a raincheck? In the meantime, would you care for an autograph? Okay, you said your name was Greg, n'est-ce pas? Is that one 'g' or two?". And then, next time we played at D-Troit, Gregg and I would go get some steaks. Or maybe a Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich.

That dude Ron Artist got his wish, though. Now he be free to promote his upcoming rap CD, I Ain't Playin' (4 Da Rest of Da Season). Maybe my rap career would have gone better if I didn't have to be stuck making hundreds of millions of dollars playing basketball all year.

And Moweez, no, I can't hook you up with no tickets, on account of your half-Muslim heritage. After that occurence in D-Troit, security been uppened. Tell me, do you think the Chicagoan basketball-watching public would feel safe with a half-Moslem in their midst?

Birthday Rapz

Yo, y'all, it's my boy Mozeboy's birthday today. I wrote this awesome rap in honor of this momentous occasion:

Happy Birthday to you/
Happy Birthday to you/
Happy Birthday/
Happy Birthday/
Happy Birthday to you/

What do y'all think of it?

AG be tha new AG

Yo, y'all, we finnuh keep things on tha political tip for a bit. Y'all heard of this Hispanical boy Alberto Gonzales (his friends call him 'Gonzo') being named the new Attorney General? What's up with that? Bush be liking them minorities and womenfolk. I'm impressed. I used to dislike that one boy George, but now he has proven that he is a truly moral and tolerant man by loading his Cabinet with females, bald men, Hispanicals, Negroes, and the like. But the difficult work of healing this nation's long standing issues with racism will not be finished until Bush nominates an Eskimo to the Supreme Court. I heard them folks got like 50 different words for 'justice'.

Anyway, back to Gonzo...y'all think he'll be better than his predecessor, Ashcroft Johnson? At least Gonzo got the proper initials to be Attorney General. Ashcroft had the proper initials to be A Jackass, and that's exactly what he was. I just hope Gonzo chills out a little with all that torture he been advocating, elsewise Kermit finnuh lay the smackdown.

Finally, a Black Secretary of State!!!

Yo, y'all, I been bizzy playing basketball. Anyway, over at Spiggity Spencer's Homosexual Jewish Blog, he has a post up about Colin Powell being replaced by Condamuhleeza Rice as Secretary of State. I believe the post was entitled "Dr. Rice Determined to be Promoted Within U.S.". At first I ignored him because I thought it was an old post based on historical reporting. But then I verified independently that he was indeed correct. Congrats, Spencer James, for beating the mainstream media on this story. What a scoop. You are proof that the Internets are challenging the traditional concepts of mass media and information exchange. You deserve a Pulitzer, or at least a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant, Wendy's.

Anyway, in my opinion, this was a very smart move. Being a secretary is woman's work, far more befitting Dr. Rice than a manly-man General such as Mr. Powell. Now Mr. Powell can team up with his son Mikey to make sure the unwitting American public isn't ever again subjected to the base spectacle of a blonde woman's bare back on Monday nights. My only question: exactly which state is Dr. Rice now secretary of? I hope it's Florida, 'cause that's where I am. Walt Disney is also here. I heard from Mikey that Walt wasn't too proud on Monday.

Araphat Phat 'N' All That

Yo, how is my peoples on this luxurious Friday morning?!?!? Man, I got some bad news to share with y'all. My boy Dwyane tells me that one Palestinian VJ, Yes Sir Arafat, done died up in Paris some days ago. He was the host of my favorite local access Palestinian rap showcase, Ara-Phat Phat 'N' All That. Now with him gone, how them kids up in Palestein gonna get exposed to new raps? Yo Sir Fatty, is that dude Yes Sir Arafat related to you some how? If so, my condolences go out to you. Here's a little rap I'ma perform at his funeral:

All dem peoples is ill at ease/
What we need is a little peace/
up there in the Middle East/
But that ain't gonna happen/ til y'all respect our abilities/
We tryin' to open a dialogue/ y'all still performin' soliloquies/

And I swear, if I catch just one of y'all suicide bombers using this death as an excuse to get y'alls bomb on, I'ma lay the smack down like you was Shawn Bradley goin' for a windmill dunk. Don't no one can mess wit da Shaqness. I mean that; I'ma fire more shots than Steve Kerr at a 3-Point Shot Contest.

Veteran's Day

Yo, y'all heard that today is Zattarain's Day? Discuss: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.

My lunch with George

Yo, peoples, what it is? Sorry about the lack of posts lately, but I been mad bizzy playing basketball (that's my profession; I play for the Miami Heat). Being on tha road so much, I don't really have time to keep abreast of current affairs. Did Kerry win this election yet? How's that recount thing going? Don't tell Coach Stan, but I'm rethinking trying to win the NBA title this year. If we win, the entire team will have to visit the White House for a barbecue and shake hands with the President. I don't think I'm up to it if Bush is still President. I met him a couple of times when we was winning all those titles with the Lakers, but I didn't realize that he was the President. I thought he was the caterer because he just stood by the buffet the whole time, frowning and eating olives. He stopped once to ask me what "NBA" stood for. I told him it meant "Nigga 'Bout-to-kick-yo' Ass". He started crying, so that Penguin-looking dude came up and gave him some crayons and looseleaf. But he still wouldn't stop crying, so finally we had to go inside and find the TV remote. We took the batteries out and gave the remote to him. That kept him busy the rest of the day.

Abortions for all!

Yo, Shaqdaddy up in this again. If y'all is anything like my hedonist heathen Heat-rootin' ass, y'all is probably still feeling sad from the election. But I been thinking about it, and I got a great way for us Commie-athiest-pinko-yellow-latte drinking-sushi fucking-Jesus hating-Nigger loving faggot libruls to cheer ourselves up... LET'S ALL GET ABORTIONS!!! YAY!!! We better get 'em while we can. You know, whenever life hits a hard patch, my liberal buddies and I just treat ourselves to an abortion and everything is fine again. They're so much fun, and you can't stop at just one. I gave the missus one for our last anniversary, and she's already bugging me for another. My daughter keeps on complaining that she's the only girl in her blue state public school who hasn't had one. I'm playing it cool and telling her that there's absolutely no way she'll get one with the family finances in the condition they're in. But between you and I, let's just say that little Shaquilla will be mighty pleased with what Santa leaves in her stocking come Christmas time.

Gays=Nader of '04???

Man, them homosexualists cost Kerry the election this time. If only gay people stopped wanting to marry each other, maybe we wouldn't have to invade Syria. I just hope them homosensualists don't do like Nader and run for President again in '08. What if Nader is gay and a member of the well-documented and well-existing Homosensual Lobby? That would explain everything. I hear they want to recruit our innocent children to join their movement and toil in their underground lubrication factories. Also they want to infiltrate our public schools and teach classes on how to deepthroat. I also hear they want to replace The Bible with Manchunk Weekly and vaginas with more penises. The worst part is that they want to indoctrinate our children to believe that all people should be treated with respect regardless of their race, religion, or sexual orientation. We have to stop them before it gets out of control. It's about time our great nation realize that orgasming inside a female's vagina is the pinnacle of human morality. So anyway, I gotta go be extra moral with these 7 girls I just met. Later.

59 Million Americans are Idiots

Yo, how y'all been livin'? I'm more or less back from my period of mourning. The basketball season just started, so that may take my mind off the election. Me and my Heat beat the shit out of the Cleveland Cavaliers last night to exact revenge on Ohio for being a bunch of Bush-votin' idiots. More post-election analysis from the Shaqdaddy to come soon. Obama/O'Neal in '08, bay-bee!!!!! That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? The assonance is astounding.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

As starting center for the 2004-2005 Miami Heat, I take full responsibility for today's travesty. My bad. Mon mal. Earlier I may have stated that I was undecided, but while at the polls I firmly made up my mind for John Kerry. I don't know why I didn't see it earlier. Preznit Dubya had all kinds of problems. Fighting terrorisms by pursuing a strategy that would inevitably create countless more terrists. Squandering what international goodwill we received after nine eleven. Doing away with due process and turning America/Guantanamo into a de facto holding cell for brown-skinned people as well as suspected brown-skinned people. Nuturing an unholy alliance between neocons and Evangelicals (one side wants to turn all Palestinians out of Israel so Israel can slip further into a theocratic apartheid state; the other wants to turn all Palestinians out of Israel so Israel can slip further into a theocratic apartheid state so God can come and kill all the Jews and lift the good believers up to Heaven). Filling seemingly every major appointed position with right-wing crazies who eschew reality, science, and critical thought in favor of their intractable crackpot ideologies. Implementing the beginning stages of a fundamental shift of the nation's tax burden from capital onto labor. Running a campaign designed to exploit the public's fears rather than appeal to their hopes. Believing that a variety of the nation's most pressing problems, from pollution to health care to education, could be solved by the magical, eternally beneficial effects of unfettered capitalism. Using doublespeak to couch his radical, elitist, corporate proposals in more palatable populist terms, ie "Help America Vote Act", "Clear Skies Act", "Operation Iraqi Freedom", "Ownership Society", "Operation Slavery was Wrong", etc, etc, etc. Being hookwinked by one of modern history's most notorious liars/frauds, Ahmed Chalabi. Having a 'the ends justify the means' mentality that treated torture of prisoners with appaling nonchalance, fostering the atrocity/frat hijinks at Abu Ga--ga--Abu Ga...reff. Offering, at last count, 20 bajillion different rationales for dragging the U.S. into a war, none of which really panned out. Then carrying out said war in a mind-numbingly ad hoc manner. Then refusing to adjust aforementioned poor planning, 'cause obstinance shows how big our penises are. Having a refusal to admit mistakes that borders on pathological. Declining to take seriously, therefore never learning from, other people's criticism. Hating fags. Constantly chipping away at the Constitution, especially the Constitutionally provided wall between church and state. Never forgetting Poland, but apparently forgetting all about Osama bin Laden (FYI...you better get reacquainted with him...I heard he won a Senate seat from Illinois). Raising twin daughters, both of whom refuse to have sex with me...Yeah, well, obviously I could go on for a while. The scary part: that's just the first four years. Who knows what the future will hold (*sob*). And if we impeach him, Cheney's prez, then Hastert. Not much to look forward to.

I changed my mind, Coach Stan. Trade me to the Raptors!

Vote on November 3rd

Phew!!! Man there I was, worrying about not having enough time to go vote tomorrow, what with practice scheduled to run late and all, when I received a letter in the mail from the Florida Republican Committee, allaying all my fears! It seems that a certain select few have the option of voting on November 3rd instead of November 2nd. That's such a relief, since the polls will probably be packed tomorrow. All these other suckaz racing to go vote, only to find that they have to wait in line for hours. But me, I got da hookup! I'll just roll up to the polling place on Wednesday at my own leisure. Actually, it's not just me... all of my teammates got the same letter. Well, everyone except for Christian Laettner, Matt Freije, Michael Doleac, and J. Prescott Worthington. I guess late voting is a procedure set up especially for wealthy, powerful, and well-respected members of the community (who also happen to be in the starting lineup!!!).

Shaq da Vote

Y'all heard about this election that's supposed to happen tomorrow? I can't wait to get my vote on! I just re-registered in Florida. The good news is that Florida (unlike Cali) is a swing state, so now my vote will actually count. The bad news is that I'm black.

I still don't know for whom to vote. Hopefully some new scandal will break tonight and sway me one way or the other. I guess it's all for naught, anyway, since Osama bin Badness conspired with the NFL to let the Green Bay Packers beat the Washington Redskins yesterday, thereby ensuring that Kerry will win. What does y'all think? Who finnuh win this bitch? Maybe I'll write-in a vote for myself. No matter who wins, we'll need a new Secretary of Defense since that boy Ronald Dumbsfeld is incompetent. He couldn't even defend the low post against Mugsy Bogues. So George or Kerry, if y'all is reading this, feel free to consider me. If some terrist come up in this with an improvised explosive device, I'ma block that shit back to Falluja. Career average of 2.6 blocks per game, bay-bee!!!

Halloween up in this (Part II)

Shaqdaddy back at ya. I had me some fun for the Halloween. We went out on Saturday night instead of Sunday, because we all felt that to celebrate a pagan holiday on the Lord's day would be blasphemous. So we went to some party at a hotel. There was a libarry up in there, so I got drunk and started reading the complete works of Maurice Hewlett. I wasn't sure what to go as. At first, I thought I would go as Kazaam, but then I thought that I didn't want to be rekkanized by anyone, so I finally decided to go as a 5'6'' Bangladeshi guy. But that still didn't work. People were going up to me all night saying "Damn, Shaq, whatchoo doing at this here party in DC" or "Hey, Shaq, I can have your autograph?" or "Hi, Shaq! Kobe sucks my ass, huh?". But yeah, anyway, that party was fun. I dominated the low post.

Halloween up in this

Yo, y'all, what it is? Today was the Miami Heat's annual Halloween party. The reason the party is annual is because Halloween is annual. I went to the party dressed as that dude who is our president, George W. Bush. I wore a Bush mask, a suit and tie, and affixed a "VOAT 4 BUSH" sign to my back. People was getting on my case for misspelling 'vote', saying it made the President look stupid. To my defense, at least I spelled '4' correctly. Because of my mask, no one could tell who I was underneath. I thought that was weird. Ain't no other 7'2'', 350 lbs. motherfuckers on our team. Shit.

B-Trayed by da CNN

Man, y'all seen that show on the CNN I was telling you about, the one where I got interviewed? Damn, that was some bull! I was betrayed by that dude named Carlos. They cut out all the best parts. I was explaining my plans to defeat Osama, and Carlos just rolled his eyes. Plus later I went into this awesome rap about Kobe, but did they air that??? The answer is no. So now to redress their omission, I bring y'all my latest foray into raptastic excellentness:

I loves me some basketball/

don’t need to be askin' y'all/

to cheer for me and my Miami Heat/

the way we ballin y'all know we cant be beat/

fuck da Knicks, y'all skillz be measly/

can't hang with me, and my boy Jerome Beasley/

fuck da Hawks, fuck da Pistons/

we'll beat up on y'all like Ali did to Liston/

you think I'm playin? Just try and test me/

I'll knock you on yo ass and crunch you just like Nestle/

make it look so easy, like I aint even tryin'/

I'll pound yo ass like my name was Kobe Bryant/

that's right, I'm talking bout you, mother fuckin' Kobe/

talkin' shit about my ass when you don’t even know me/

now the Heat won't lose, but we all know the Lakers will/

cuz you a fake ass nigga, actin' whiter than Naperville/

What?!?

Irony

Fasting just slows me down on the court.

Expand the Draft

Commentor Spencer James has a question:

"...yeah son, theres a war up in iraq. Theys is gonna reprostitute the draff yall. Shack, my queshun is, are you scurrd udda draff?"

Fuck no! Man, I love the draft. I know not everyone can be the first pick of the first round (like I was in 1992, bay-bee!), but I wish the Democrats would just chill with they "Bush will reinstitute the draft" mumbo jumbo. John Kerry just a sore loser cause his sorry 6'5'' ass couldn't even make the Yale basketball team. I think maybe there are a few good arguments for draft reform, like implementing a minimum age so punk ass fools like Kobe can't enter right outta high school and maybe expanding it a few more rounds so more people get a chance. But I'm sick of the scare tactics employed by the Democratic party. People, the NBA draft is what makes this country great. And if it will help us win the War on Terror, then all the better.

I'ma be on TV!!!

What up, y'all? I just wanted to give y'all the update that I'ma be on TV this Sunday night. Some Hispanical dude named Carlos interviewed me for this channel named CNN. So y'all should definitely check it out. I got to tell Carlos about my plan to fight the international terrorisms. Also I gave Kobe a verbal beatdown later on in the interview. I hope those parts aren't relegated to the cutting room floor. I heard Carlos interviewed Osama on the show as well. When I run for office (after my career in basketball and rap is over) then that boy Osama better watch out, cause I'ma come at him harder than my Criminal Justice 256 final. That's right, bitches. I'm in grad school. Kobe didn't even go to college. What!?!?!

War in Iraq

Y'all heard about this war in Iraq?

OH MY GOD, SMALLVILLE!!!!!!!

Sorry I ain't been posting lately, but I been really busy this week, what with the preseason and all. Coach Stan makes us practice everyday, even though Ramadan has started and it's hard to ball on an empty stomach. And most nights I come home too tired to blog. But I got some good news. The other day I get home from practice, break fast, and turn on the TV...and what else do I find but my favorite show, Smallville, on ABC Family?!?!?!!??!??!?? That's right, bay-bee, Smallville is in syndication!!! Can you dig it?!?!?!?! I wish I could make a guest appearance on that show, but I guess there isn't room for very many black people in Smallville. They got Pete and that crazy scientist professor dude, and on a commercial I saw that Candyman was guest starring...but that doesn't leave much room for me. Maybe if I submit a script to the producer and put in a small role for me... I could be the star of the Smallville High basketball team and Yao could be some dude from Krypton sent by Jor-el to use his Visa Check card to buy Clark a red kryptonite class ring, thereby turning him evil. Then Evil Clark and Yao challenge me and Pete to a game of 2-on-2. It's a close game. Me and Pete have mad skillz but Evil Clark and Yao can fly. It's tied at 19, and Yao flies up to the rafters to lay down the game-winning dunk. But I don't need to know how to fly, I'm Shaq Diesel. So I block his shot anyway, and pass it to Pete, who puts it in for the win. Chloe and Lana are all like, "damn Shaq, you're way cooler than Yao and Evil Clark!". So I ask Chloe to the prom and she says yes. Can you dig it?

Yao Ming is tall

Man, have y'all heard of that dude Yao Ming??? I've played against him a bunch of times and lemme tell you, he's mad tall. I'm glad I switched conferences.

Defending my Plan

Well, I got some feedback on my Plan to Fight Terrorisms from that boy Emmen. Overall he was cool with it, but he had one suggestion: to internationalize the effort.

"...check it, bra, i was fillin that plan to fight dem alkaloids, really diggin it, but consider gettin together an allstar team of internationals from the nba rather than jus dem Heats. I think we arredy seen that unilatral action plus poland is a weak plan. you gone be general and all, so kobe can be excluded, but jus majin havin Steve Nash from Canada, Ginobili from Argentina, Mamadu N'diaye from Senegal, Big Yao from the red land, we could even do what that predident George never could and get France in on this with Boris Diaw, Jerome Moiso, Tony Parker, and even one wid a name dat sound like a tareist: Tariq Abdul Wahad. How you feel bout internationalizin the effort, bra? but like i said, you still gone be general, so you could get as much playin time as you want. jus cuz france is in, dont mean they gone run da sho or nuttin, dig it?"

Man, I disagree with Emmen. I got to take my cues from President George, and like George, I'm not interested in pleasing the international community. My only concern is getting tha job done, and we all know that the 2004-2005 Miami Heat is the best assemblage of basketball talent to ever grace this galaxy. Also, Christian Laettner has Polish roots. We don't need no other countries to help us beat the Al Qaedas. QED.

The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day

Man y'all seen what happened to that boy Bill O'Reilly, host of The O'Reilly Factory on FOX News??? He in more trouble than Kobe, shit! Damn, Bill, that girl wanted $60 mil from you? That must've been one expensive falafel!!! If I were ever to pay off a girl, I know it would take considerably less money that that. I hope he get fired and they replace him with bin Laden and they call it The O'Sama Factor. Put him on right before Chone Hannity, that shit would be real fair and balanced. Anyway, I gotta go to practice. On Fridays Coach Stan buys us free breakfast.

Change of Heart (the Shaq Plan to fight Terrorism)

OK, regular readers of my blog will notice I made a slight change. Under "Things I Don't Like", I had previously listed George W. Bush. But now I'm having second thoughts thanks to some incisive comments made by one M--N (what the fuck kind of name is that anyway?):

"...the way i figgir bout them alkaydein tareists is that somone big like you need to fight em. i herrh osama bin madman be like 6'5'' or some. you got like two feet on that dude. i think them tareists is winning cuz them cats we sent from the US, UK, and Poland is just too damn small. consider yourself a miitary korean after this next seesin, aight?"

Man here I was, passing judgment on that cat George like my boy Dwayne pass me the rock after a pick and roll, all the while unaware of how tall that other cat Osama was. No wonder President George can't defeat terror...if they got Osama at center and he got what, like 6 inches on George, Al Qaeda keep on feeding the ball to Osama in the low post, and he keep getting easy looks over George. Maybe Secretary of Defrense Ronald Dumbsfeld come over from his power forward position to double team Osama, but then Osama just kick it back out to Abu Musab Zarqawi, who wide open outside the arc and gets his shot off before small forward Cheney can contest it. And with Zarqawi's sweet stroke, we know that's going in 8 time out of 10. But man, put me in at center, and shit, I got like a foot on that Osama character. Let's see him fuck with Shaq Diesel. Can you dig it?!?!!!! Shit, put the whole Miami Heat in there and see what Al Qaeda do. I don't care how good Ayman Al-Zawahiri's pressure D is, ain't no way he can stop my boy Dwyane's sick moves. I don't see how this foolproof plan to fight terrorism will ever be implemented by John Kerry. That cat is like 6'5'' hisself, so he liable to think he don't need my help containing Osama. President George understands that Osama may be 6'5'', but he plays 7''.

I used to think that George couldn't fight terrorism adequately cuz he couldn't even pronounce it. Now Chone Hannity helped me realize that pronouncing it "terrism" is his brilliant plan to defeat terrorism one syllable at a time. And while he may have asserted that some of Saddam's WsMD were "nyookyooler", he certainly never claimed to anyone that Saddam had nuclear weapons. That's why after much deliberation I decided I feel safer with George. I've always considered a career in law enforcement after my playing days are over, so I say sure, President George, make me Sheriff of Afghanistan and together we can smoke some evildoin' terrorist killers out of their holes. Al Qaeda is one group of folks that will not be able to withstand my blocked shot related goaltend activities.

Practice is hard

Today's practice was harder than yesterday's. Coach Stan got mad at me so he assigned me to the remedial squad. I had to shoot free throws at a Nerf hoop with Dorrell Wright, Malik Allen, and Pape Sow.

Keeping the Internets safe from terrists...

Yo y'all, did y'all see that debate that was going on on the TV last night? That was some bull right there. I finished up with practice just in time to catch it (Coach Stan makes me shoot free throws until I make 2 in a row...I was there all day). What's up with that dude George? Something wrong with him? I mean, really wrong? I always knew he wasn't the roundest hoop on the court, but come on...even I speak English more better than him does. And that dude Kerry seems cool and all, but why he wanna take away my tax cuts (or as President George would say, my "task" cuts)? I need those tax cuts to help grow the economy. But I gotta give credit to George for creating those new Internets he was talking about in the last debate...cuz now I am taking advantage of one of them by doing this newfangled blogging thing. I think I like this Internet better than the old one.

More about me...

Freel, yo, this blog is about more than just basketball. I got lots of interests and opinions about tons of things, so this is gonna be my avenue for expressing them.

THINGS I LIKE:

• basketball
• politics
• Superman
• Nestle's Crunch with caramel
• world peace
• rap music
• LSU (Tigers, bay-bee!!!)

THINGS I DISLIKE:

• Kobe
• free throws
• Kobe's fake ass smile
• small beds
• Nestle's Crunch without caramel

Season Preview, Baby!!!

My prediction for this year: 82-0!!! No, fo' reel, though, we got a talented team here, and I can easily see us winning 60. Udonis Haslem is really starting to find his groove, and I think this could be the breakout year for Tang Hamilton. Jerome Beasley should be his usual powerhouse self, and I really think that ZhiZhi Wang will surprise a lot of folks. Kenyon Dooling can play the point or 2 guard. His versatility is but another arrow in our all-star quiver. My boy Dwyane is crazy, and y'all know I'm good for 30 & 15 a night. The real wild cards in all of this are Albert Miralles and Christian Laettner. If Al (that's what I call Albert) can hold his own and Jesus (that's what I call Laettner...get it?) can return to his mid-90s days of dominance, then can't no one stop us!!! It's on in two weeks, bay-bee!!!!!!!

Free Throws

Boy do I hate free throws.

CAN YOU DIG IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?

What up everybody! I just found out about this new blogging thing from my boy Dwyane Wade, so I thought I'd give it a go. Seems like fun. The season starts in a couple of weeks!! Can you dig it?!?!! Eastern Conference, baby!!!! Y'all may be wondering how I'm liking Miami...I'm loving it like a fat kid love cake, baby!!! Miami Heat all the way to the Finals in da Oh-Five, fa sho!!! What's up, Kobe, where's your blog, huh? What now, beeyotch?!? CAN YOU DIG IT!?!?!?!?!?