Hastert the Bastert

or is that "Dennis the Mennis"? Anyway, just had to tell y'all I saw that dude who Speakz in da House up close and in person the other day. I was in DC to see the Pixies in concert, and beforehand we decided to pregame at this place by the Maison Blanche called Old Ebbitt Grill. So I rolls up to it, and who else do I see but Dennis Hastert, the morbidly obese Speaker udda House! Man he was wearing this uber-festive bright red Christmas sweater. Quite unflattering. With a physique such as his, it's a very bad decision to call attention to oneself like that. Tha ladeez wasn't havin none of it so he was relegated to sitting with one of his Republican homeez. I was awestruck by his presence. They got this one channel on TV which stars him like 24/7. I want to have my own channel, so I had a few things I wanted to ask him. At first I was shy 'cause he was just chillin and eatin on some foods. But finally, apres a few drinks, I went up to him and was like, "Daps to dat boy who be passin' that Intel Reform Bill!!!". I went to give him daps but I guess he was unfamiliar with that particular display of respect and admiration, what with it being prevalent primarily among urban(e) youth. So he mistook it as me trying to punch him and called his bodyguards over. In the ensuing tussle they spilled wine all over my threads. Fuck Dennis Hastert. Seriously, if any of y'all Illannoyan cats live in his congressional district, don't vote for him. Fuck him and his National Sales Tax. And his maw.