Soy Loco Por Ti, America

Aww man y'all heard of this thing called Independence??? Well, today is the is the anniversary of the day when America done invented that independence shit way back in the day. They had all these white dudes who wore wigs, and some of them were Whigs, back in the 1700s or some shit and Ben Franklin was all like if I tie this key to this kite and fly it in a rainstorm them maybe we can capture some independence and then Thomas Edison trapped that shit in a glass tube and they were all like shit now we can have all the independence we want! But none for women and coloreds. Then they declared that shit and wrote it out on some parchment cuz there wasn't no internet back in those days and now every 4th of July we set off fireworks, which were invented in China.

Man, I love the America, but some people are starting to doubt that because of my last post, in which I stated my misgivings about the new Arizona immigration law. People been saying that the illegal immigrants, who some just call "illegals" and others call "CRIMMIGRANTS", are a burden to America and should be deported back to Hispanica where they come from. I think this is a bit harsh since illegal immigrants are still human beings last I checked (which was Thursday). Then the anti-immigration folk get red in the face and yell "WHAT PART OF 'ILLEGAL' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??!?!?!?" and I'm like I didn't know this was gonna be a vocabulary test. It's been decades since LSU paid some other dude to take my SAT so I'd be eligible to play basketball and since then my word talking skills have gotten even worst. Shit dude, this is America. I don't need to pass no literacy test to have opinions on shit and what not.

So anyway, I suppose my ancestors immigrated here illegally too. I mean, I doubt slaves had visas or green cards or any proper documentation. They just got on a cruise boat and came here so they could enjoy the good life and get fat leeching off the rest of society. I've heard they stole a SHITLOAD of white folk's farming jobs. They didn't even pay taxes either. And most of them didn't even bother to learn English. And they even had the audacity to have anchor babies! So should I be deported?

 
The free market at work outside of a Home Deport, oops Home Depot.
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.

Gringo de Mayo

Say y'all heard of these people known as MEXICANS??? Today is the day that them folk be celebrating their independence from Napoleon is what I heard. Anyway, there is also some NBA PLAYOFFS going on today. My most recent ex-team, the Phoenix Suns, is playing the San Antone Spurs tonight. Boy am I glad that I got out of Phoenix when I did, cause it turns out that now the politicians in Arizona is passing all kinds of crazy laws. Apparently Arizona is teeming with illegal immigrants who steal white people's jobs and health care and moneys and welfare and daughters and what nots, so they just passed a law making it illegal to be illegal. Some people are claiming that the law is unconstitutional, as it will inevitably lead to racial profiling of Hispanical people, but I read the law and it clearly applies equally to Canadians and Martians as well, so how could that possibly be racist?

The bill, which was sponsored by Arizona State Senator Russell Pearce and signed into law by Governor Jan Brewer, is named Senate Bill 1070, the Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act. Incidentally, 1070 is what Russell Pearce scored on the SAT. Another interesting tidbit is that Jan Brewer is the twin sister of Emperor Palpatine. This, of course, is further evidence that genetics, not environment, is the primary factor that controls the aging process. Seriously, though, Brewer's impossibly wrinkled visage suggests Dorian Gray in reverse, and I half-suspect that somewhere in some hidden room at the governor's mansion there hangs a portrait of a pure, innocent, unblemished, beautiful young woman. This presupposes that Brewer is evil enough to strike a deal with the devil and stupid enough to get it backwards. Both of which seem entirely plausible to me. But I digress...

Anyway, I am afraid that this law will negatively affect the NBA, as now Commissioner Stern has no choice but to deport Phoenix's star point guard Steve Nash back to Canada. And what about Eduardo Najera? What will he do?? WHY HASN'T ANYBODY THOUGHT OF EDUARDO NAJERA!>!>!??? Also, this may pose problems if my Cavs have to fly to Phoenix to play the Suns in the NBA Finals (Ed note: Problem averted. Thanks, Celtics and Lakers. Assholes. Fuck you Kobe). Many of the Cavs are in this country illegally. Ziggy overstayed his student visa, Lebron is a Frenchman, and I renounced my American citizenship when Kazaam wasn't nominated for any Oscars. Luckily, Cleveland is a sanctuary city, but now if we travel to Arizona we liable to get deported by Sheriff Joe. But as bad as Arizona's law may be, it's a far cry from the law that Texas is thinking about passing: Support Our Law Enforcement and Fucking Piranhas in the Motherfucking Rio Grande Act.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus (but there was no such thing as slavery)

DAMN y'all heard of this state called Virginia? That's the state what England sent all its virgins over to colonize back in the 1600s AD. But they must not've stayed virgins very long, cuz nowadays Virginia has a population of almost 8 million. They also got a naked lady on their flag and a dumbass in their governor's office. Earlier this month, Virginia governor Bob McDonnell declared April Confederate History Month. I think this in and of itself is really fucking stupid cuz, you know, fuck the fucking Confederacy. But what pushed McDonnell's declaration into the realm of the truly gubernotorious is that he initially failed to make any mention of slavery. So, to recap, Old McDonnell decides that if Uncle Sam gives them uppity negrozoids a month, then by golly gosh, the state of Virginia should dedicate a (longer) month to the glorious memory of the treasonous idiot racists of the Confederacy, people who were the enemy in the bloodiest war America has ever experienced.

In what world is this not the worst fucking idea ever??? The initial proclamation hailed the "sacrifices of the Confederate leaders, soldiers, and citizens during the period of the Civil War." McDonnell later elaborated that he excluded slavery because he wanted to focus on the aspects of the Civil War that "were most significant for Virginia." At the time of the Civil War, slaves made up about one third of Virginia's population. Currently, African-Americans, most of whom are descendants of slaves, make up about one fifth of VA's population. So demographically, it would seem that McDonnell is wrong about his assertion that slavery isn't an important or relevant issue for a considerable amount of Virginians. Oh yeah, and then there's the small matter than EVEN A FUCKING COMATOSE BABY PENGUIN IN FUCKING ANTARCTICA WOULD KNOW THAT SLAVERY WAS THE MAIN FUCKING REASON THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR WAS FOUGHT. Who are you trying to kid, McDonnell? I guess I can understand if a lot of Virginians are reluctant to recognize the true nature of the actions of their ancestors due to feelings of shame; however, I refuse to believe that a significant portion of Virginians either simply don't think slavery was the major cause of the Civil War or acknowledge that it was but don't care.

But even putting the issue of slavery aside, celebrating anything about the Confederacy is asinine and a bit evil in my opinion. It's not as if slavery wasn't widespread in the North. Sure, the North happened to end it sooner than the South, but the fact that it was willing to engage in such a deplorable institution means I'm not gonna give it a gold star for morality. But one thing that the North wasn't willing to do, and this is important, is secede from the Union and start a war that led to the death of hundreds of thousands of its fellow countrymen. It's fucked enough that the Confederacy was a fundamentally racist organization, but on top of it the Confederates were unrepentant bloodletting traitors. Since when is treason a virtue? The same people who deride all Muslims and Liberals as disloyal terrorists are perfectly content to glorify their treasonous ancestors. Guh? Just because people are your ancestors doesn't mean you're obliged to honor them. If you're German, you're allowed to be ashamed of Nazis. You're allowed to lament the fact that you came from such fucked up stock. It's perfectly normal and commendable and human. What's not allowable is to go to such lengths to idolize and idealize them that you are willing to revise history and ignore or downplay despicable acts committed by them.
 
Konfederate Kris Kringle sez "The south shall rise again."

Tax Attacks

"I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization." ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Aww man y’all heard of the imposition of compulsory levies on individuals and entities by the gubmint? That’s what the Encyclopaedia Britannica calls “taxation”, and it is undoubtedly the most foul and iniquitous of all government functions. I can’t even believe that our government is authorized to do this to us here in America, which is supposably a free country. The Tea Partiers are right. Taxation is theft. That's my hard earned moneys that the gubmint is trying to steal from me! I'm a hard-working American taxpayer who works hard and pays taxes. After taxes, my $20 million salary is shorn to a meager $13 million. How I'm apposed to live off of that? SHAQ DADDY GOT NEEDS TOO, MAYNG!!!

"When there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income." ~ Plato
I use my money to help grow the economy. That Big and Tall store on Euclid Ave. would be out of business if it weren't for me, as would Croutons 'n' Such on 4th and Prospect. But now that my hard earned money is being redistributed to pay for y'all's mortgages and unemployment benefits, small business owners are going to be hit hardest. In fact, just the other day I had to lay off the guy I hire to clean my ass. Now I got a stank ass and he's got broken dreams.

"Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
I know it’s a bad economy and all, but I ain’t got no sympathy for y’all out-of-work plebes. I mean, when I got laid off by the Phoenix Suns, instead of whining to Obama I buckled down and started looking for a job right away, and lo and behold the Cleveland Cavaliers liked my resume so they hired me. If I can do it, anyone can. I didn’t have any headstarts or advantages in life. I’m where I’m at now due solely to my work ethic. Do you know how hard I had to train in order to grow to 7’2”??? My pituitary gland is just about worn out.

"Freeloading illegals are raping U.S. taxpayers." ~ Tea Party sign
See, the Tea Partiers know what's up. The media tries to portray them as crazy and stupid and fat and ignorant and selfish and smelly and racist, when in reality this couldn't be further from the truth. I’m no etymologist, but it’s obvious that the word “tax” is related to the word “taxidermy”, which according to Wikipedia is derived from the Greek for “classifying skins”. Now I’m no sociologist, but it seems to me that classifying people based on their skin color is the most racist thing you can possibly do. The Tea Party's fight against taxation is this decade's version of the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s.

"The American taxpayers are the Jews for Obama's ovens." ~ Tea Party sign
I was so intrigued by the Tea Party movement that I decided to join them at one of their protests the other day. I was worried that I wouldn't fit in since I play in the NBA, and I didn't know their stance on Obama's nationalization of our basketball associations. Would they view me as the enemy due to my ties to Big Basketball? However, once I got there I quickly realized my worries were unwarranted. I had a great time. I really think my homemade Teabagger sombrero won them over. There was this one dude named Karl who kept on following me around everywhere, trying to get me to hold some sign he made or something. I was too concerned with ball protection to oblige him though. Here are a couple of pictures of my adventures:


Pictured, L-R: Karl Rove, Tha Shaqtus, Jesus


Pictured: Gordon Shumway, naturalized U.S. citizen originally from Melmac.

As you can imagine, I had the time of my life. But afterwards I was talking to my boy Bron-Bron at practice and he said, "If money can't buy happiness, then taxation can't confiscate happiness. Stop bitching." Man, can you believe that shit??? I told him to shut up and get back to me once he gets 4 rings. Sheeeeit.

Glengarry Glenn Beck

Say y'all heard about that crazy fat boy on the Fox News named Ben Gleck? Ever since I injured my thumb (more on that in a later post) I haven't been able to play any b-ball, so I've had lots of free time to myself. And y'all know that with me, free time=FOX NEWS BAYBEE!!!! So I been watching The Glenn Beck Show like urryday lately and I gotta say, he dominates the cable news 4-5 PM time slot like I dominate the low post. I know some uh y'all is prolly thinking "Damn Shaq Daddy, did you tear a ligament in your thumb or in your brain???" but seriously, you gots to give ma boy Glenn a chance afore you judge him. Once you start watching him, you'll find him indispensable.

Like the other day after I heard that Justice John Paul Jones was finnuh peace out of the Supreme Court, I was unsure what to think. On the one hand, dude went to UChicago so how smart can he possibly be, but on the other hand I don't know what the Supreme Court even is is it anything like a regulation NBA court how high are the hoops I've never heard of it they must play in the Western Conference right? Fuck Kobe. But then Glenn came to rescue me from the evil clutches of ignorance, giving me all the information and context necessary for me to form a coherent opinion. It's obvious that President Obama is gonna select a gay, handicapped (redundant?), black, female of the immigrant persuasion to succeed Justice What's-His-Face. This, of course, is an outrage. Black people complain about how they're minorities and what not, but they already control all major positions of power in this country. Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are black. Clarence Thomas is black. Some of Glenn Beck's best friends are black. For Pete's sake, black people currently comprise HALF OF THE PRESIDENCY! HALF!!! Geez, that's some minority. Plus black people kicked the white people's asses in the Civil War. Most importantly, there have been EIGHT Pope Urbans throughout history. So it's plain to see that black people have both secular and religious institutional power on par with, if not exceeding, that of whitefolk.

As far as teh gays go, I don't see how a group of people who routinely use JUDICIAL ACTIVISM to further their diabolical agenda can be trusted with a seat on the highest court in the land. In fact, due to the Homosexual Lobby, California was forced to pass Proposition 8, which I just learned from Glenn Beck is not a hemorrhoid cream. Call me a haterosexual if you must, but I believe Lord God Jesus created Adam & Eve, not Madam & Eve. Adam & Eve, not Adam & some sexy hung gay dude. With rock hard abs. Who can dance. And is witty. And hung, in case I hadn't mentioned that before. I think his name has to be Steve in order for the joke to work, but whatevs. What was I saying? Oh yeah, Glenn Beck. If the liberals get their way and say that one gay man can marry another gay man, then who's to say that same gay man can't marry a gay horse? Or a gay waffle maker? IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING IN EUROPE, PEOPLE!!!

Some liberals might think that Glenn Beck is just a paranoid idiot whose rantings about impending communism are borne of a delusional fear that Obama will redistribute chins, thus leaving poor Glenn deprived of his hard earned and much cherished surplus, but I beg to differ. Glenn Beck is a legitimate American hero. Those who ignore or underestimate him do so at their own peril. As the leader of the ascendant Tea Party movement, he is definitely poised to be one of America's most prominent and relevant intellectuals for years to come. He deserves a place in the pantheon of great Conservative thinkers, amongst such giants of American Conservatism as Ronald Reagan, William F. Buckley, Barry Goldwater, and Jim Crow. I'd like to imagine that the aforementioned Mr. Buckley, if he were around to do so, would appreciate our Mr. Beck taking it upon himself to be the loudest voice standing athwart History, yelling "ZOMG OBAMAz A MARXIST SOCISLIST MUST BE STOPPED!!! REVERND WRIGHT KENYA FREDOM BALCK LIBERATION @#$% TOTES OLIGARHY### VAN JONES VAN JONES VAN JONES!!!"

"Fuck you, that's my name. You know why, mister? You took government-provided public transportation to get here, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW (which I was able to afford because I single-handedly pulled myself up by my own bootstraps like a Randian demigod of capitalism, amassing a fortune in the tried and true American way, and before you go saying that I had help from my parents or public education or whatever, I'll have you know that I sprung from the Earth itself like the autochthonous Athenians of ancient Greek lore, and as far as the public education thing well, shit, I can't read and I can barely write, so there's that refuted quite nicely wouldn't you say?). THAT'S my name."

Malice on loan from God

By now y'all probably heard of that earthquake down in Haiti what killed hundreds of thousands of people. That shit is indescribably terrible so I don't really have anything to say about it that can't be said betterly by someone who have more eloquent speakitude than I do. I'm just trying to do my part for the Haitians as best as I can, trying to improve their lives by harnessing the awesome power of the slam dunk. But shit y'all, turns out that my fellow NBA all-stars don't want to participate in my proposed charity slam dunk contest. Their refusal is unconscionably selfish if you ask me. I guess Kobe is too busy with his rapings and what not. Sheeeit.

But anyhow, as bad as all that is, I just fount out about something that is FAR WORSER! Check out what the head of the GOP, Rush Limbaugh, had to say about the earthquake. Dude be saying for us U.S. Americans not to donate to Haiti cuz we already do, in the form of the fejrul income task. Can y'all believe his igneous ass?!?!? I bet if an earthquake hit Palm Beach dude would be straight begging for donations. And then Rush made things even worse by claiming that the American government's quick response to the catastrophe was due to Barack Obama's desire to pander to the black community. Cuz yeah, Obama needs all the help he can get with the black community. I mean, it was disenchanted black independents who voted for Scott Brown in droves and ruined the Democrats' supermegamajority in the Senate, right? And black people sure are well represented in the Teabagger protests that have been spreading all over the country like wildfire. Bigoted, illiterate wildfire.

As if Rush hadn't made enough a fool of himself, he then went on to respond to a female caller's criticism by accusing her of having "tampons in [her] ears." Seriously. This happened. Upon hearing it, I assumed that either his knowledge of female anatomy was somewhat lacking, or he was a disgusting misogynist. But after listening to his show for a couple more minutes, torrents of blood spontaneously started gushing out of my ears. "Oh no, this is bad," I thought to myself. "I need blood in order to live." So I ran to the bathroom in a panic, frantically searching for something to stanch the flow. The blood loss was already substantial; dizziness and confusion began to set in, growing more intense with each passing moment. I fumbled through the medicine cabinet. Q-Tips. Too small. Tylenol gelcaps. Not absorbent. A box of Kleenex. Fuck, all out. Chattem's Icy-Hot. A brilliant product, to be sure, but not one with any useful application in this particular situation. Double-sided velour puff with satin ribbon. What the fuck is this for? Disposable razors. These will only make the problem worse. A jar of peanut butter. How did this get here? Nevermind. Time is running out. Surely, somewhere there must be--wait, what's this? A box of tampons? Ultra absorbent?! Hallelujah, I am saved! Oh, frabjous day! Thank the Heavens for menstruation! Bless Shaunie and her heavy flow! Like Sir Fatty at a buffet, I attacked my newfound motherlode, greedily clutching as many of the absorbent ivory saviors as my gargantuan hands could endure and violently stuffing them into my ear canals. Silence. Sweet, dry silence. At long last. I stood there panting, heart rate slackened as the fog of crisis gently ascended above my menstruating head, and began to reflect on my near-death experience. The tampons, having been crammed in so forcefully, provided a hermetic seal around my ears. Thus no sound could penetrate them, leaving only one sound for me to contemplate: the deep, resonant lull of the tampons themselves. Have you ever placed a conch shell to your ears? It's like that. In that brief moment a sense of calmness permeated me. I felt at peace with all Creation, even Kobe's punk ass. Sure, a lot of y'all have probably heard a tampon, but how many of y'all have actually listened to one? The epiphany was fleeting, however, as I had to exit the bathroom after little Shaquilla walked in and announced her need to make boom-boom. All of this is just a long-winded way of saying sorry to Rush. I now understand that your tampon comment was motivated not by misogyny, but by an awareness of the effects that listening to your repugnant tirades have on normal, rational people. However, that does not absolve you of responsibility for these other disgusting quotes:

-"Howard Zinn, JD Salinger, 200,000 Haitians...it's true what they say, death really does come in threes."

-"Black people? Isn't that an oxymoron???"

-"MORE FOOD!!! NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM!!!"

Sue Dat!

What up mon peeps? Y'all heard of this thing called intellectual property? The NFL be saying that they own the trademark to the New Orleans Saints' cheer of choice, "Who Dat!", and are suing to prevent the phrase from being used on T-shirts. Now I ain't no lawyer, nor have I ever set foot in a law school, nor would I ever even consider doing so, but I gotta say that this lawsuit seems to me to be without merit. But again, what do I know? I'm just a 7'2" professional basketball player. For the Cleveland Cavs (editor's note: the NBA's effort to trademark the human calf muscle was rejected by the Ohio Supreme Court in 1987). It's bad enough that the NFL owns the color brown and the number 49, now we Saints fans have to deal with this ish right as we begin to prepare for the biggest moment in franchise history? How we supposed to stand up and get crunk if we can't even drunkenly chant WHO DAT! without paying a fee to the league office? Sean Payton, if you're reading this blog, take care of this please. Property is theft, ya feel me? Proper tea, on the other hand, is delicious.

Don't talk about playoffs

What it is, motherfuckers?!?!? Y'all heard of my playoff predictions? Turns out I got 3 out of 4 correct. Not bad if you ask me. Now if only I could make my free throws at a similar rate. Anyways, this weekend the NFL playoffs really get interesting. My NOLA Saints is playing Saturday afternoon against the defending NFC champs, the Urrzona Cardinals. If y'all remember, last year I was rooting for the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl on account of their religious mascot. But shit y'all, can't no Cardinal even compare to no Saint in terms of piety. Plus we got St. Buddy D. up in Heaven pulling strings with the man upstairs whose name is called God. It all adds up to an easy victory for the Saints, 57 (Ricky Jackson's old number) to 2 (Aaron Brooks' old number). CHA-CHING!

My other picks are as follows: the Minnesota Favres will lose to the Dallas Suishams. Tony Romo will get injured but fear not, Cowboys fans, for backup QB Jon Kitna will resurrect his career with a clutch 3 touchdown performance. Or possibly none of this will happen. Who knows? After all, I was wrong about the Cowboys game last week. Tangent: is anyone else really pissed off about the blatant sexism of Dallas' mascot? Why does it have to be a cow 'boy'? Why specify gender anyway? It will just make things that much more awkward for the first woman who signs to play for them.

In the AFC, Shaqdaddy predicts that the Colts will beat the Ravens, thereby denying Ballmer the chance to exact revenge on Indianapolis for stealing its team back in 1984. If I were a Baltimorean, I would really hate Indianapolis after Saturday. It just isn't fair for one city to constantly get the better of another. At least HBO decided at the last minute to relocate The Wire from Indianapolis to Baltimore. Few people know that Stringer Bell was originally intended to be a corn farmer.

The other AFC game will see the NY Jets upset the San Diego Chargers. Ladanlian um LaDanyia umm LoDaneeyus uhh LaDanliest erm LT is old and can't run no more, and Darren Sproles is the NFL equivalent of Muggsy Bogues. Plus I bet the Jets pick off Marmalard at least thrice, with Darrelle Revis returning one for a touchdown. Rex Ryan is prolly the fattest coach in NFL history, and that's gotta count for something.

In other news, y'all heard of that formerly gubernatorial lady up in Alaska named Sarah Palin? The one with all them kids? Man I was watching The O'Reilly Factory the other day and turns out she's now an analyst for FOX News!!! Sheeeeeit, how you luh dat!?!?

They come to town when the war is over

Hey y'all. Y'all heard of this thing called redundancy? It just occurred to me that during the last couple of years over 75% of my posts have started out with me apologizing for not posting often enough. Sheeeit. Well hopefully those days are gone pecans. Anyways, y'all heard of this thing called the NFL? It's a lot like the NBA, only with football. Also, it's a league instead of an association. But it certainly is national. Them fools be starting their playoff on this day. The format is single-elimination, which is stupid if you ask me. Everyone knows that quadruple-elimination is the way to go.

My favorite team is the NOLA Saints, who have a bye this week, so I'm not all that invested in this week's games. For those who want to know Big Aristotle's Picks of the Week, here they are: NY over Cincy, since tigers aren't allowed on planes; Philly over Dallas because Andy Reid is marginally more obese than Wade Phillips; Ballmer over New England because hmmm I guess because Catholic pride or what not; finally, Arizona over Green Bay because what the hell kind of bay is green anyway?, and also Kurt Warner is a god-fearing Christian and we all know Jeebus takes an active interest in the outcome of sporting events. Speaking along those lines, my boy Bron-Bron must've been watching a little bit too much Brit Hume because he keeps on bugging me to convert to Christianity. He says that the first step to improving my free throw percentage is accepting Jesus Christ into my heart. Man fuck that noise I say. I got like one whole foot on that Jesus dude plus ain't no way could he stop my sweet drop step. I am honored to uphold the proud tradition of great Muslamican players in the NBA, such as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Hakeem Olajuwon, Mahmood Abdul-Rauf, and Muhammad Ali.

Twenty Ten

Yo yo what up mon peeps??? Y'all heard of this thing called the 2010?!?!? That's the year what it just turned last week. Sorry I ain't been updating my blog, but shit y'all got to understand I got like 5 or 6 better things to do. It's like when Vahndo said to me, "Now Shaqtus, you know you got your blog updating to do, you gone get dat done, when you gone get dat done?" and I, while frenetically masturbating, replied "EVENTUALLY!". So yeah that's what's up with me these days, what about y'all? Is y'all excited about this here new year that the media been talking about?

New Year's was also close to my boy Bron-Bron's birthday so he celebrated that shit by getting a double-double against the Hawks. I did my part by getting a single-double. I was only 7 assists away from a double-double though. Suddenly I'm hungry for some Wendy's. Now I suddenly want to read Peter Pan, or the Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up. That's what subliminal advertising will do to you. Now I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If I were Peter Pan, I would totally want to grow up because how else you gonna get drafted number #1 by the Orlando Magic? Have I mentioned that before, the fact that I was drafted first overall in 1992?

In other news, today I was watching the Weather Channel and the weatherwoman said "Here's your national forecast for this week, and what an active week it's gonna be, especially in terms of weather."

Shaqenstein

Yo, sorry I haven't been posting often lately, but I've been down in the dumps because my Suns aren't in the NBA playoffs this year. That's what you get when you have a white point guard, I guess. Plus my schedule is hectic lately, what with my being handcuffed to Ben Stein and all. I shoulda read the fine print on the Comcast contract more closely, cuz it turns out that me and Ben gotta be stuck together for the next 12 months. Turns out even NBA legends and crazy supply-side economists can get screwed by Comcast. At first I wasn't too concerned with the arrangement, since I saw that Ben Stein dude on Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which is one of my favorite movies (that I haven't starred in). I like the part when he says "Bueller" a bunch of times but Bueller totes isn't there, and his sister is in the principal's office and she's like totes dirty dancing. Plus Ben Stein was also Kevin Arnold's favorite teacher in The Wonder Years before they killed him off. But most of all I like Ben Stein for his endorsement of Visine, which is a product that almost every member of the Portland Trailblazers uses.

Super Bowl XLIIILOL

Say y'all heard of the National Football League's championship game? And shoes? Well, turns out that the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers played in the Super Bowl the other day. Faithful readers of this here blog will recall that I love me some New Orleans Saints, but as they didn't even make the playoffs I had to adopt the Cardinals as my team since they too have a religious mascot (this is the reason why my favorite NHL team is the Toronto Maple Popes). Unfortunately my team lost as San Antonio Holmes made an amazing touchdown catch in the waning seconds of the game. That was the second best catch I have ever seen in a Super Bowl (first place of course belongs to David Tyree's helmet).

What most people don't realize is that Holmes' Super Bowl-winning catch wasn't even his most notable reception of this season. I'm sure most of y'all have heard of that reporter dude in the Iraq who done threw his shoes at our Presdident Bush in December. Being that the reporter was Muslamic, the shoes almost certainly contained explosives of some sort, probably TNT hidden in the sole. Or at least some kind of biological or chemical agent, like maybe the aglets were laced with cyanide (was that a pun?!? sorry). It goes without saying, but needs to be typed, that had the shoe hit Dubbs we'd be looking at another 9/11 type situation. In the Arab world, hitting someone with a shoe is the ultimate insult (worse than flying a plane at someone). This may be hard for us Westerners to fathom, as having shoes thrown at you is considered high praise over here. Oh well. What're you gonna do about the crazy cultural norms of those inscrutable Arabs? Here is a story:

The Muslim reporter took his place at the press conference, attempting to maintain composure as he listened to the inane ramblings of the American president. Though he appeared calm, in his Muslim soul a toxic mixture of resentment, inarticulate rage, and desire for vengeance simmered, gaining steam with every flippant platitude offered and simpering smirk cast by the President. He Islamically wondered to himself, "How can this man be so utterly devoid of remorse? Is he that callous? Or just oblivious? Surely he cannot be so evil?"

Soon his thoughts turned to his fellow journalists. Being Arab, he first looked to his right, then his left. In his Islamic peers' eyes he could discern no spark of critical thought, no twinkle of engagement with the noxious ideas emanating from the President's mouth. Had years of violence inured them to the atrocities committed daily at the President's behest? Had their instinct for self-preservation made them incapable of exhibiting the courage required to overthrow the status quo and move towards justice? Had their tightly-wound head towels restricted blood flow to their Mohammedan brains, thereby overwhelming their ability to yearn for peace? Islam islam muslim arab?

Whatever the reason, the Islamical journalist knew that the President's nefarious designs would find no resistance from the benumbed zombies that surrounded him. The onus of confronting the POTUS would be his alone. Rarely, and as of late exceedingly so, history provides great challenges, perfect moments for a lone intrepid soul to commit heroic deeds and etch his (or her, but let's be realistic, it's usually his, right? Eh? Crickets?) name onto the cosmic Stanley Cup of eternity. This was the Mohammedan journalist's moment. Exactly why fair and noble History, in Her boundless grace and munificence, agreed to bless this Qurany Quaraner with such an opportunity may never be known, but aforementioned Islamic Quraning Muslamateer knew exactly what destiny required him to do. He did what every great hero since time immemorial has done: he took off his shoes.

With his Muslim heart full of fury (the fury too was probably of an Islamic variety), the Islamite reporter hurled his shoes, one after the other, towards the podium. Like two hijacked airplanes, the Muslim shoes charted a course directly for the President. Time slowed down. Impact seemed imminent. The waxwing of liberty and freedom was a hair's breadth from being slain by the false Islamic azure of the terrorist windowpane. The fate of Western civilization hung in the balance. What was the point of this story? Oh yeah, but then Santonio Claus came along out of nowhere and saved the day, America won the Superbowl, that Iraqi journalist dude was signed to be the New York Jets' new quarterback, the dish ran off with the spoon, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except for the fork, who was so distraught at the spoon's infidelity that she jumped off the kitchen counter. She was survived by a lovely three year old spork and a teenage carrot peeler from a previous marriage. This is why gays shouldn't be allowed to cook. QED.


If Jason David were involved this would've somehow led to WWIII

TNT: We Know Obama

Say y'all heard of this thing called America??? That country got itself a new president this past Monday! The Suns were in Boston since we had a game against the Celtics that night, but thankfully Coach Porter didn't schedule practice that day so we were all able to watch the Inauguration. I usually get all my news from FOX news since they have my two favorite shows, Your Baby Can Read! and The O'Reilly Factory. However, since some of the players on the Suns are patriots while the others are pinheads, we couldn't watch any of the partisan networks, as such an arrangement would be most discommodious (thanks, Factor Word of the Day!) and pestiferous (look at me go!). We arrived at a compromise of watching the Inauguration festivities on TNT. I must say, the crew of Inside the NBA did a surprisingly good job:


Notice the lack of an American flag pin on his lapel...

DAVID STERN: With the first pick in the 2009 Presidential Draft, the United States of America selects (fumbles around with the envelope for a few seconds)... 6'1'' junior Senator from Illinois, Barack Hussein Obama!
ERNIE JOHNSON: Oh wow, what a shocker! Many experts thought that Obama made a mistake when he declared for the draft early.
CHARLES BARKLEY: I don't care what people think. People are stupid.
KENNY SMITH: Well, I for one didn't have him being drafted this early. I thought he should've gone back to the Senate for at least one more term to help hone his point guard skills.
CHARLES BARKLEY: That's wronger than ketchup on pancakes.
ERNIE JOHNSON: (ignoring Sir Charles) Many owners were also reluctant to draft him due to concerns that he would not be eligible to play immediately, as he was rumored to still be under contract with his Muslim Kenyan overlords.
KENNY SMITH: His strong showing at the pre-draft workouts probably made a lot of difference--
CHARLES BARKLEY: Where can a brother get a drink around here?
ERNIE JOHNSON: Well, um... Craig Sager is courtside with the new President. Let's go to Craig.
CRAIG SAGER: Thanks, Ernie. First of all, congratulations to you, President Obama. How do you feel on this historic occasion?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: It's a dream come true. To be the first Harvard Law graduate to ever stand on that stage and shake Commissioner Stern's hand, it's pretty humbling.
CRAIG SAGER: The nation is still trying to recover from Isiah Thomas's disastrous signing of George W. Bush to an 8-year, $4 trillion contract. It may be years before we're finally under the salary cap. How do you assess your chances of leading America to a long-awaited championship?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: I just want to get America back in the playoffs, were we belong.
CRAIG SAGER: Best of luck to you, Mr. President.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Shukran.
CRAIG SAGER: Que?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: I mean thanks.
CRAIG SAGER: Oh, you're welcome.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Allahu akbar.
ERNIE JOHNSON: Great interview as always Craig. We now turn to--
CHARLES BARKLEY: I ain't never seen cranberry juice without vodka in it! Hey Craig, ask Obama if he's ever seen cranberry juice without vodka in it!
ERNIE JOHNSON: Sorry, Charles, I think the interview is already over.
CHARLES BARKLEY: Now why the hell would I know that?
KENNY SMITH: (trying to change the subject) President Obama has his work cut out for him. Diaper-wearing Senator David Vitter (R-LA) just voted against his Secretary of State nominee Hillary Clinton, Yao Ming has a sore right knee, and perhaps worst of all, the Portland Trailblazers have threatened to fillibuster the confirmation of Darius Miles, his choice for new Drug Czar.
CHARLES BARKLEY: Where can a brother get a car, preferably a black Infiniti SUV, around here?
ERNIE JOHNSON: Charles, have you been drinking?
CHARLES BARKLEY: Hey Craig, ask Osama iffy nose where a brother get a blow job rounddeer!

That's when Coach Porter made us turn the TV off.

Happy 2009

Say y'all heard of this thing called the Gregorian calendar? That's the calendar what Pope Gregory House bullied people into using back in Renaissance times, so now we be using that shit to remind us when to pay rent. But that ain't all, that dude's invention also informs us as to when one year ends and the next one begins. The day when this event occurs is known as "New Year's Day". That shit just happened again a little while ago. I was taken by surprise, as it seems like only a year ago I was snorting Nestle's Crunch off a stripper's thigh in honor of New Year's 2008. But anyway, what did y'all do to commemorate the arrival of 2009? I went to visit my alma mater in Baton Rouge, which is French for "red baton". There was a party at this dude's place where some idiots set up a homemade beer pong table that was painted blue with two Stars of David stenciled in, in honor of Hanukkah or the bombing of Gaza I suppose. All the people there were of normal stature so I towered over them, Gulliver to their Lilliputians, Goliath to their David, Manute Bol to their Spud Webb, neutron to their electron, etc etc etc. What I'm trying to say is that I am quite tall, much taller in fact than most people who do not make their living playing professional basketball. So anyway, me trying to throw a ping pong ball into a Solo cup is like a normal person trying to throw a peppercorn into a thimble, and if you really think about it why would anyone want to throw a peppercorn into a thimble, especially if you don't like peppercorn or are perhaps allergic to it, which I'm not, but what if you're cooking for a dinner party and one of the guests is? Then you have a lawsuit on your hands and a dead acquantaince on your floor. To get back to the point, I actually like pepper a lot and sprinkle it frequently on a variety of things, such as omelets, soups, chowders, pastas, Nestle's Crunch, Chattam's Icy-Hot pain relief sleeves, and of course, freedom fries. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, thimbles. Why aren't they called "thumbles"?

Juneau

Aww shit y'all!!! Y'all heard of this thing called teenage pregnancy?? Man it turns out that the 17 year old daughter of Peggy Palin is pregnant, and she ain't even married, yo!!! Man that reminds me of that movie I saw last year, Juneau, which was about this teenage girl in Alaska who helped herself to George Michael Bluth's frozen banana and got pregnant. Palin's daughter must've seen that movie and decided to emulate it. Man I tell y'all, no one is safe from the pernicious influence of Hollyweird's moral bankruptcy. So the Palins are saying that Bristol (that's the daugher's name) will keep the baby, but I have my doubts about that. Since she seems to take her cues from Hollywood movies, I expect she'll wind up giving her baby up for adoption just like that girl in Juneau. But luckily for her, the McCains have a history of adopting babyfolk, so I bet they'll adopt Bristol's baby and everything will be alright.

UPDATE: I just fount out that Bristol's siblings' names are Willow, Piper, Track, and Trig. WHAT A WEIRD FAMILY!!! So what does y'all think Bristol and Levi will name their kid? I've narrowed the choices down to: 1) Cedar; 2) Pikachu; 3) Frick; 4) Frak; 5) Krang; 6) Charmander; and 7) Levi Jr.

King of the Hill

Damn y'all heard of this thing called representative democracy??? That's the type of gubmint what we have here in the U.S. of A. This past week the Democrates done had their convention in Denver. My boy Barack H. Obama made himself one hell of a speech last night. Up in Chicago, where I spend my offseasons, O-Bomb's speech was the talk of the town. His inspirational life story is proof that a Harvard Law graduate can grow up to be a viable Presidential candidate, no matter how half-black he may be. I think I'ma vote for tha O-Bomb solely because he likes basketball and I've heard from various inside sources that if elected, he'll give me an important job at the Department of the Interior as Secretary of the Paint. But shit, Obama's got his work cut out for him since that old Republicanese dude John McCain be running neck and neck with him in the polls. Plus McCain managed to defuse some of the momentum Obama gained from his speech last night by finally announcing his running mate today. And what a surprise it was. I don't even know who Sarah Palin is. All I know is that she's a woman and she's from Alaska (which I didn't even know was a state until today. Apparently it's really big too). That's some crazy shit, having a Presidential candidate from Hawai'i and a VP candidate from Alaska. Man whatever happened to good old continental American values such as coterminosity and contiguousness? Anyways, the McCain-Palin ticket is sure to go over well with animated residents of Arlen, Texas.




"I killed fitty men in WW2!!!"

The Sun is the source of all Heat

Damn y'all heard of this thing called the Sun? I just got traded to that team down in Phoenix!!! How about that shit??? Yass indeed!!! Man I'ma miss Coach Pat and ma boy Dwyane, but seriously y'all, this year's Miami Heat sucked. I'm glad I get the chance to play for a contender. Now I'll have a chance to get a 5th championship ring, which is cool since that's the number of fingers I have on each hand. Holla!!! I was thinking about discontinuing this blog since it's called "Heatblog" and starting a new one called "Sunblog", but then I remembered that the Sun is the source of all heat in this here planet called Urf, so what the hell. Plus I'm too lazy. I may not update this blog for a while, though, since I'm not sure if they got the intronets down in Mexico.

MARDI GRAS YOU ALL!!!

Yo wussup mon peopleses??? Y'all heard of this here holiday called the Mardi Gras??? I think that's French for "Super Tuesday". Anyway that's the holiday where we get to vote on who runs for predident later this year. All the candidates try to attract voters by throwing doubloons, beads, and other assorted cheap plastic trinkets into the crowd. So which krewe is y'all gonna vote for? I always liked the Krewe of Bacchus, but I think it would make a better vice-president so I ain't gonna vote for it. I was thinking of voting for the Krewe of Zeus but then I saw those incriminating photos of what it was doing with the Krewe of Little Rascals. That shit was sick. Some pundits on the TV been saying that the Krewe of Isis finnuh win, since it's about time that this country welcomes an all-female krewe. But my candidate of choice is still the Krewe of Zulu. I don't really care one way or another, just as long as the tyrannical rule of Rex is ended.

Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail trying to get beads, I mean votes.

Sore Hip

Damn Chad y'all heard of this national basketball association of America known as the NBA??? The team I play for, the Miami Heat, currently has a record of 9-33. That's 9 wins and 33 losses. A winning percentage of .214. We're 17 games out of first place. Plus I got an injured hip which will keep me out of the lineup for 2 weeks. Man our chances of making the playoffs are pretty much dead. You might as well call us the Miami Heath. Oh! Too soon??

Le Football Americain

Dude y'all heard of this thing known as the NFL??? Them fools be playing themselves a Super Bowl soon. I would be paying more attention to the NFL playoffs if the Saints were in it. The fact that they missed the playoffs this year is some straight booty. I blame the liberal media and their anti-Christianity bias. Can't let a team named the Saints have any success, but a team with a blatantly homosexual name like the Packers made it all the way to the NFC championship game. That shit is so rigged, like when the Patriots won the Super Bowl right after the 9/11, and when Bin Laden released his new video a few months later it contained footage of St. Louis Rams practices that he accidentally forgot to erase. But watch, necks year them Saints is gonna go 19-0 and win the Super Bowl. Pierre Thomas is gonna rush for 2,000 yards (no more, no less) and Reggie Bush is gonna be on the team too and what not.

More evidence of the liberal sportsmedia's anti-Christianity bias can be found via this link, which for realsies horrified and disgusted me. Dana Jacobson, an ESPN anchorwoman, said "Fuck Jesus" at a celebrity roast for fellow ESPNers Mike & Mike. Understandably, people are very upset with her, but I think her critics fail to see the larger problem. While the Jesus bashing bothers me, the cannibalism inherent in the concept of a celebrity roast bothers me a lot more. I know celebrities taste better than normal people but still cannibalism is illegal I'm pretty sure. But I guess if you're going to cook celebrities, it might as well be Mike & Mike. That one Mike dude looks like he could feed the entire Patriots offensive line.

11 O'Clock Politics Talk

Say y'all heard of this thing called politics??? Them folk in Iowa done had their caucus the other day. I know summa y'all immature peoples might snicker at the word 'caucus', but please people, grow up. The etymology of that word has nothing to do with what y'all think it does. In fact, the term 'caucus' derives from the fact that only the votes of Caucasians actually count in our electoral system. So now that I've cleared up that source of confusion, allow me to move on to my analysis. I know that summa y'all immature peoples might snicker at the word 'analysis', but please people...oh never mind.

It was kind of surprising to see Chirac Hussein Osama win the Democratic caucus, seeing as how he's not really white or anything. But I guess the Democrats just love his name. Also it was cool how at his victory speech he took the mic and started rapping: I'm winnin' caucuses/ just like Mike Dukakis/ in a pair of moccasins/ see y'all in Washington/ in that District of Columbia/ replace that shortsighted Double-yuh/ cuz I sees farther than Hubble, uhh!/ got more beats than Steven/ gonna be a change y'all can believe in/ finnuh be a president who ends the tax breaks for companies that ship our jobs overseas/ finnuh put a middle-class tax cut into the pockets of working Americans who deserve it and improve access to health-care and end the war in Iraq and bring the troops home. Hmm just noticed that last part doesn't really flow that well. Still, it was pretty good for something extemporaneously delivered by someone who was likely on crack at the time.

Also suprising was Mike Huckabee winning the Republican caucus. I don't think America is ready for a bass-playing president. Brass instruments such as Clinton's saxomaphone are fine, but it'll take another generation before stringed instruments are accepted. Also, dude is crazy and he wanted to quarantine people who have AIDS. He has a better chance of residing in the Canadian National Igloo than the White House.

Does y'all think the results of the Iowa cactus are a good predictor of which candidates wind up making it to the general election? It would be cool if Obama and Huckabee face off in the end, especially if the rumor is true and Obama winds up choosing me as his running mate. If he doesn't, I think I'ma vote for Ron Paul. I don't know anything about his platform, but his kid is tearing up the NBA.

UPDATE: Apparently, there's a 'New' Hampshire now, and them folks done had their primary today. In the Republican primary Mike Huxtable came in third while John McWayne won. I wonder what instrument he plays. Also, that dude Obama lost to a girl! HA HA!!!

LSU + BCS = BFF!

Man y'all seen how my alma mater done won the BCS Championship game? Awww jeeeeahhh!!! I knew this was gonna be hilarious from the opening coin toss when the ref said "LSU is the visiting team, they get to call it in the air." Yup, the team travelling 70 miles that also has a significant amount of alumni who live in the city the game is being played in should definitely be considered the visiting team, while the team that has to travel 900+ miles should be named the home team. That makes sense. Not that I can complain.

Man I was skurred when that dude Beanie Wells had that long touchdown run early in the game, but that just reminded me of that playoff game my Heat had in 2006 when the Bulls dominated the early going and shut us down while jumping out to a 2-0 lead. We didn't let that get us flustered though, and we wound up coming back to win by fourteen, 92-78. Booyah in ya face, Luke Schenscher!

But shit, y'all seen how they showed EJ's stadium on tha television screen?? That shit was kewl. But the announcer dude called it "John Yenni" stadium when first of all, it's "Joe," not "John," and most importantly, they forgot his middle initial, which makes the proper name "Joseph Schieste Yenni" stadium. Geez.

UPDATE: Les Miles just called LSU "a great place to get an education." WOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

What up you all?!?! Y'all heard of this thing called blogging? I been taking some time off from that but now that Sir Fatty is back in the saddle, I figured I may as well revive my blog as well. When at the buffet, eat as the fatties do. And anyway, now that my Heat are basically the worst team in the NBA, I'ma be on auto-pilot the rest of the season so I'll be able to blog mo'.

I know my devoted fans is wondering what I've been up to lately, so here goes. Miami has been depressing with all the losing and all, so for New Year's I went to my old stomping grounds of Baton Rouge. That's French for 'Red Baton.' There was a partee at Leno's where we played up on some beer pong. I shoot ping pong balls about as well as I shoot free throws, so my team lost a bunch. Kinda like the the Heat.

Also there was a wedding in NOLA that I went to. Dikembe Mutombo didn't crash it, so that was cool. Speaking of weddings and Dikembe Mutombo, y'all heard how the Saints tanked down the stretch and wound up missing the playoffs at 7-9? Man I just might quit basketball and suit up as a cornerback for the Saints. I'm prolly 2 or 3 feet taller than Jason David.

Thanksgiving

Shit y'all, I'm sorry I ain't been posting much lately, but this here divorce I been going through has taken up most of my time. There's also this thing called basketball that I've also been busy with lately.

But shit y'all heard of that thing known as the Thanksgiving???? Man this nation done celebrated that shit last week. Since the divorce ain't no one been cooking for me, so instead of the usual turkey dinner with all the fixins, I had to settle for sitting on the couch eating Nestle's Crunch and saltines. I guess you could say I had more crackers than the Mayflower. Lucky for me they was rerunning Home Alone on the television screen. I love that part when that little dude gets left home alone. That shit cracks me up everytime. What I don't love is the fact that my Heat are in last place right now at 3-10. That shit ain't my fault, though. I'm making over 50% of my three frows. I also don't love how my beloved alma mater Ellis Shoe done lost their chance to win the BCS championship. Man if I had another year of eligibility I totally could've played nose tacke and kept Darren McFadden in check. Irish people can't even play football worth shit anyway. Ain't y'all seen Notre Dame this year?

So anyways what do y'all been thankful for this year? I'm thankful that I live in Miami and not Chicago, which is a shithole.

I need some Icy-Hot for my heart

What up all my illiterate fags?!?!?! How y'all be livin???? Sorry I ain't been posting in a minute or two, but I been busy with some marital woes. Y'all heard of this thing known as the divorce? Me and my wife is about to do that shit right quick. Man she was like my point guard, in life. She would always feed me the rock when I was open in the post, in life. But now I guess I fouled out. Or maybe I got called for travelling, or a 3 second violation. Man these refs don't know shit. They let Erick Dampier hack at me whenever I get the ball in the paint, but if I so much as breathe on Zydrunas Ilgauskas, I get called for a foul. I blame Tim Donaghy. There, I said it. Tim Donaghy, your punk ass just cost me my marriage.

Shaunie, please renew my contract. I know I'm 35 and have a bum knee, but I swear I can still put up 20 and 10 for the next 5 years, at least. CAREER AVERAGE OF 2.5 BLOCKS A GAME, BAYBEE!!! You know I can still bring it. Maybe I didn't do the little things to make our marriage work, like buy you flowers or frequently tell you how much I love you or give you foot massages or practice shooting free throws, but things will be different if you give me another chance, I promise. Baby please take me back. I feel like I just tore my ACL, in life. To ease the pain maybe I'll start scouting some local colleges for a new point guard. I just wish the NBA hadn't recently increased its minimum age to 19. Maybe I'll find someone else after all, but I'd hate to be wearing another team's jersey when I get inducted into the Hall of Fame. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Shit this metaphor done got extended more than the deadlines on my term papers back at LSU.

I just hope the kids take it well. Shaquette, Shaquilla, Dayquille, and Karmel, always remember: Daddy and Mommy love you very much and in no way is our impending divorce y'alls fault. Please dig that.

Offseason

Shit y'all heard of this basketball team known as the Chicago Bulls??? Fuck them. Man, can y'all believe that my Heat got swept by those scrubs? They don't even got Michael Jordan or Bill Wennington anymore! Last year we beat them easily, but I guess getting rid of Luke Schenscher turned them into a powerhouse. I'd like to see Luol Deng play a rapping genie in a classic children's movie.

Oh man I was watching the Spurs-Nuggets game and Robert Horry just made another clutch shot. I think that's like the five thousandth of his career. It's uncanny how good he is at making three pointers with the game on the line. I think he's my new favorite player because after he made the shot TNT cut to an interview they had conducted with him earlier where he said something like his secret to making clutch shots is knowing that his friends and family are still going to love him no matter what, even if he misses the big shot. What a complete weirdo. I bet Tim Hardaway is glad he never played with him.

Anyway y'all heard of this thing called the RACISMS??? Man the NBA is full of that shit four eel. They just released this study that said that NBA refs are racist in calling fouls. I bet that's why my Heat lost to the Bulls. Let's see...on my team we got me, and I'm black, ma boy Dwyane is black, Antoine Walker...black, and Udonis Haslem is so black that when he went to night school he was marked absent. Meanwhile, who do the Bulls have on their team? Andres Nocioni...white, Kirk Heinrich...white, Viktor Khryapa is all kinds of white, and Martynas Andriuskevicius is so pale everytime he gets an idea the top of his head gets sunburned.

Some stuff, finally

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I've been really busy with finals. Um, I mean playoffs! NBA playoffs! Definitely not law school finals. But, uh, hopefully we'll win our next few series and eventually reach the Finals like we did last year. Because this is Shaq Daddy posting. Not anyone else.

Anyway, I decided to finally start posting again because everyone's favorite Homosexual Jew, Spencer James, recently updated his blog after an eleven million year hiatus!!! Hooray!!! Just in time for the gayest month of the year, Gay, I mean May. HA HA y'all get that shit??? It rhymes! Just like March is the starchiest month, June is the looniest month, August is the doggest month, and February is the second gayest month. Rhyming is fun! I enjoy it!!!

So over at James Spencer's blog, he wrote a little bit about his thoughts on the whole Virginia Tech massacre. I really don't have anything to add except that I disagree with the point he makes about the irrelevance of Seung Hui-Cho's nationality. I think the fact that he's from South Korea bears mentioning because it definitely affected the aftermath of the massacre. You can tell that a lot of people wanted very badly to use this massacre as an excuse to hate on Koreans, but they couldn't quite commit to it. The pre-existing stereotypes about Koreans just aren't conducive to fostering a climate of reflexive fear-mongering. Dry cleaning, kimchi, good at math & violin, blah blahblah etc... there's not much grist for the paranoid race baiting mill. So hopefully now even the most reactionary xenophobe will step back and admit that ethnicity or citizenship status or religion or any of that superficial census data form shit can't always explain why people do the things they do.

Reading a lot of the crazier right-wing blogs, I noticed a palpable sense of disappointment that Cho wasn't North Korean. You just know that if Hee Seop Choi had been North Korean we would be bombing the shit out of Pyongyang right now. I mean, England and France were embroiled in war for one hundred years just because French paparazzi killed Princess Di. Luckily Joan of Arc punched out some cameraman at Orleans, or else we'd all be speaking English now.

But the best thing for the right-wingers would be if Cho had been Muslamic. Man, can you imagine how awesome that would have been??? Ah well, a man can dream...Hey wait "Korean" is awfully close to "Koran"!!! Is that too tenuous a link? Oh shit I hope Presnident George doesn't read my blog or else we liable to start bombing on that Iranic country. I say we shouldn't stereotype people based on their nation of origin because then shit like this happens. People think just because you're from Iran or Iraq or Pakistan you're a terrorist, when the truth is that the reason you're a terrorist is because you're Muslim. J/k folks, that's what we in the NBA call sarcasm. Chillax. But anyway, I ain't never seen no Eskimo blow shit up with a suicide dogsled bomb. And that's proof of something.

Tim Hardaway doesn't care about gay people

Damn y'all seen what that dude Tim Hardaway said about them homosexual folk? That shit was straight igneous. I say if Derek Jeter can play in the MLB, then ain't nothing wrong with gay folk playing in the NBA. I'm ashamed on behalf of my team. I never thought that a former Miami Heat player could utter such hateful statements. I hope our fans don't get the wrong idea. The Miami Heat actually have a long and proud history of reaching out to the gay community. The scariest part of all this is seeing the latent hate of the average American sports fan be unleashed. Check out the comments to this ESPN article. Freaky, huh?

I don't see why an NBA player would be so adamantly anti- showering with gay males. I mean, shit, all team sports are inherently homoerotic. Damn Tim, I know you wanted to prove that you won't suck up to the homosexual community no matter how hard they try to shove their agenda down your throat, but seriously, get over yourself. You play a sport where teams of men wearing color coordinated outfits spend most of their time dribbling balls. There's even a position called "power forward". Maybe if we let gay men serve on the US national team we might actually beat Lithuania once in a while.

The explosion will be of extraordinary magnitude

Shit y'all, man, fuck. Finally we've recovered from our long national nightmare of terroristical aquateen advertisements. I had to wait a couple of weeks to post anything just in case the internets weren't yet safe again.

So hopefully by now y'all have emerged safely from y'all's bomb shelters. What happened in Boston the other day just goes to show how vulnerable we really are in this post-9/11 world. I knew it was only a matter of time before them Al Qaedans harvested the awesome terroristable potential of magnetic lighted extraterrestial cartoon character advertisements. I always suspected that Ignignokt was a muslamicist since he's green and green is Profit Mohammed's favorite color. I'd like to shake the hand of the hero who alerted the Boston police of the looming danger to our lives and livelihoods and the liveliness of our hoods. I'm pretty sure Osama has something to do with why the Celtics just lost 18 games in a row.

This whole ordeal has taught me to be more vigilant in my everyday life. I just noticed that they got all these blinking lights of various colors placed at regular intervals all over Miami. It's out of hand, almost like every block or something. Looking back, I seem to recall that they had those very same kinds of lights in Baton Rouge, Orlando, and Los Angeles. The terroristical threat is nationwide, I fear. We must put an end to it before it puts an end to us.

We smoke as we shoot the bird!

New Orleans Saints Number One on the Field

Awww jeeeaahhhh say y'all heard of these New Orleans Saints?!?!?!? The Saints comin' back, Tom Benson where you at?? We just beat the Philadeplia Eagles and now we finnuh go to the NFC Championship Game for the first time ever! That game was close but y'all saw that tackle Scott Fajita made on 3rd and 1??? CHARLES GRANT A MONSTER HOW HE BUST THROUGH THE LINE!!! The best team in the league, what you know about that??? Super Bowl Bound!

Man I remember when I was in college in Louisiana in the early 90s even if we were lucky enough to make the playoffs we would lose in the first round every time. Not no more. Dynasty, you all, and you heard it here first. So anyway, who does y'all think will win this week's game? HA HA just kidding that was a rhetorical question. Tubby Smith should go back to coaching college basketball cause ain't no way his Bears is gonna even come close to making this a competitive game. Don't get me wrong, y'all know I love the Bears. Regular readers of this blog will remember that they are my second favorite football team and that I consider the 1985-1986 Bears to be the finest professional sports team of all time. This year's Saints have a kick-ass (and prophetic) rap song of their own, but it's no Super Bowl Shuffle. Still, football is 70% football and only 30% rap, so my prediction is that the Saints will win 70-30.

But the only sad thing in all of this is that ma boy Dubby B ain't here to enjoy it all. Y'all may remember that two years ago, in my eulogy for him, I predicted that he would lobby God for a Saints Super Bowl victory in 2006. I was a year off, but it looks like ya boy is coming through.