Malice on loan from God

By now y'all probably heard of that earthquake down in Haiti what killed hundreds of thousands of people. That shit is indescribably terrible so I don't really have anything to say about it that can't be said betterly by someone who have more eloquent speakitude than I do. I'm just trying to do my part for the Haitians as best as I can, trying to improve their lives by harnessing the awesome power of the slam dunk. But shit y'all, turns out that my fellow NBA all-stars don't want to participate in my proposed charity slam dunk contest. Their refusal is unconscionably selfish if you ask me. I guess Kobe is too busy with his rapings and what not. Sheeeit.

But anyhow, as bad as all that is, I just fount out about something that is FAR WORSER! Check out what the head of the GOP, Rush Limbaugh, had to say about the earthquake. Dude be saying for us U.S. Americans not to donate to Haiti cuz we already do, in the form of the fejrul income task. Can y'all believe his igneous ass?!?!? I bet if an earthquake hit Palm Beach dude would be straight begging for donations. And then Rush made things even worse by claiming that the American government's quick response to the catastrophe was due to Barack Obama's desire to pander to the black community. Cuz yeah, Obama needs all the help he can get with the black community. I mean, it was disenchanted black independents who voted for Scott Brown in droves and ruined the Democrats' supermegamajority in the Senate, right? And black people sure are well represented in the Teabagger protests that have been spreading all over the country like wildfire. Bigoted, illiterate wildfire.

As if Rush hadn't made enough a fool of himself, he then went on to respond to a female caller's criticism by accusing her of having "tampons in [her] ears." Seriously. This happened. Upon hearing it, I assumed that either his knowledge of female anatomy was somewhat lacking, or he was a disgusting misogynist. But after listening to his show for a couple more minutes, torrents of blood spontaneously started gushing out of my ears. "Oh no, this is bad," I thought to myself. "I need blood in order to live." So I ran to the bathroom in a panic, frantically searching for something to stanch the flow. The blood loss was already substantial; dizziness and confusion began to set in, growing more intense with each passing moment. I fumbled through the medicine cabinet. Q-Tips. Too small. Tylenol gelcaps. Not absorbent. A box of Kleenex. Fuck, all out. Chattem's Icy-Hot. A brilliant product, to be sure, but not one with any useful application in this particular situation. Double-sided velour puff with satin ribbon. What the fuck is this for? Disposable razors. These will only make the problem worse. A jar of peanut butter. How did this get here? Nevermind. Time is running out. Surely, somewhere there must be--wait, what's this? A box of tampons? Ultra absorbent?! Hallelujah, I am saved! Oh, frabjous day! Thank the Heavens for menstruation! Bless Shaunie and her heavy flow! Like Sir Fatty at a buffet, I attacked my newfound motherlode, greedily clutching as many of the absorbent ivory saviors as my gargantuan hands could endure and violently stuffing them into my ear canals. Silence. Sweet, dry silence. At long last. I stood there panting, heart rate slackened as the fog of crisis gently ascended above my menstruating head, and began to reflect on my near-death experience. The tampons, having been crammed in so forcefully, provided a hermetic seal around my ears. Thus no sound could penetrate them, leaving only one sound for me to contemplate: the deep, resonant lull of the tampons themselves. Have you ever placed a conch shell to your ears? It's like that. In that brief moment a sense of calmness permeated me. I felt at peace with all Creation, even Kobe's punk ass. Sure, a lot of y'all have probably heard a tampon, but how many of y'all have actually listened to one? The epiphany was fleeting, however, as I had to exit the bathroom after little Shaquilla walked in and announced her need to make boom-boom. All of this is just a long-winded way of saying sorry to Rush. I now understand that your tampon comment was motivated not by misogyny, but by an awareness of the effects that listening to your repugnant tirades have on normal, rational people. However, that does not absolve you of responsibility for these other disgusting quotes:

-"Howard Zinn, JD Salinger, 200,000 Haitians...it's true what they say, death really does come in threes."

-"Black people? Isn't that an oxymoron???"

-"MORE FOOD!!! NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM!!!"