I need some Icy-Hot for my heart

What up all my illiterate fags?!?!?! How y'all be livin???? Sorry I ain't been posting in a minute or two, but I been busy with some marital woes. Y'all heard of this thing known as the divorce? Me and my wife is about to do that shit right quick. Man she was like my point guard, in life. She would always feed me the rock when I was open in the post, in life. But now I guess I fouled out. Or maybe I got called for travelling, or a 3 second violation. Man these refs don't know shit. They let Erick Dampier hack at me whenever I get the ball in the paint, but if I so much as breathe on Zydrunas Ilgauskas, I get called for a foul. I blame Tim Donaghy. There, I said it. Tim Donaghy, your punk ass just cost me my marriage.

Shaunie, please renew my contract. I know I'm 35 and have a bum knee, but I swear I can still put up 20 and 10 for the next 5 years, at least. CAREER AVERAGE OF 2.5 BLOCKS A GAME, BAYBEE!!! You know I can still bring it. Maybe I didn't do the little things to make our marriage work, like buy you flowers or frequently tell you how much I love you or give you foot massages or practice shooting free throws, but things will be different if you give me another chance, I promise. Baby please take me back. I feel like I just tore my ACL, in life. To ease the pain maybe I'll start scouting some local colleges for a new point guard. I just wish the NBA hadn't recently increased its minimum age to 19. Maybe I'll find someone else after all, but I'd hate to be wearing another team's jersey when I get inducted into the Hall of Fame. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Shit this metaphor done got extended more than the deadlines on my term papers back at LSU.

I just hope the kids take it well. Shaquette, Shaquilla, Dayquille, and Karmel, always remember: Daddy and Mommy love you very much and in no way is our impending divorce y'alls fault. Please dig that.