WEDDINGS YOU ALL!!!

Say man y'all heard of these things called weddings?!?!?! That's when two people cleave together and become one flesh or something, kinda like Siamese twins I guess. Shit, I went to one of them things the other day up in my old stomping grounds, Baton Rouge. I tell you I run that town... in fact, the church where the wedding was held was renamed after me. It used to be called St. God's Church of the Jesuses or some boring shit like that, but they renamed it St. Shaq's Church of the Holy Crunch. Can you dig it!?!?!? The cool thing was that all the bridesmaids was wearing my #32 Miami Heat home jerseys and the groomsmen were wearing the away ones. Then after the ceremony they played some full court 5-on-5 cuz y'all know any church that's named after me is gonna come fully loaded with all the amenities one would need for some basketball related program activities. The backboard was made out of stained glass. Instead of cheerleaders, they had a choir. Instead of furry anthropomorphic mascots, they had Jesus. And instead of a shot clock, they had the Bible. Bill Walton even did the play-by-play. The bridesmaids wound up winning but it was bullshit since their high heels gave them an unfair height advantage.

The ceremony was beautiful and all, but there were certain times when I felt weirded out. Like there was this one time when the priest started talking shit about God, saying he was omnipotent or something. I don't see how God's sex life is a proper topic of conversation at a wedding, but there are pills you can take for that anyway. A church is no place for that shit, shit. And then of course there was the fiasco with the bridal bouquet. Immediately after the bride threw the bouquet, Dikembe Mutombo came out of nowhere and swatted that thing all the way back to the tables lining the perimeter of the dance floor. Then he started taunting the bride and wagging his index finger in her face. It was kind of rude, I suppose, but he had a valid point. Seriously, I know members of the Phoenix Suns who wouldn't have fallen for her weak-ass double pump. And then she didn't even follow through on the release. Plus she didn't put nearly enough leg into the throw, but that was possibly attributable to her being tired after all that dancing. Anyway the bouquet wound up landing in some old lady's soup. Not sure what that portends.


THIS IS MY HOUSE!!! Y'ALL GOT TO GO!!!