Tax Attacks

"I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization." ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Aww man y’all heard of the imposition of compulsory levies on individuals and entities by the gubmint? That’s what the Encyclopaedia Britannica calls “taxation”, and it is undoubtedly the most foul and iniquitous of all government functions. I can’t even believe that our government is authorized to do this to us here in America, which is supposably a free country. The Tea Partiers are right. Taxation is theft. That's my hard earned moneys that the gubmint is trying to steal from me! I'm a hard-working American taxpayer who works hard and pays taxes. After taxes, my $20 million salary is shorn to a meager $13 million. How I'm apposed to live off of that? SHAQ DADDY GOT NEEDS TOO, MAYNG!!!

"When there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income." ~ Plato
I use my money to help grow the economy. That Big and Tall store on Euclid Ave. would be out of business if it weren't for me, as would Croutons 'n' Such on 4th and Prospect. But now that my hard earned money is being redistributed to pay for y'all's mortgages and unemployment benefits, small business owners are going to be hit hardest. In fact, just the other day I had to lay off the guy I hire to clean my ass. Now I got a stank ass and he's got broken dreams.

"Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
I know it’s a bad economy and all, but I ain’t got no sympathy for y’all out-of-work plebes. I mean, when I got laid off by the Phoenix Suns, instead of whining to Obama I buckled down and started looking for a job right away, and lo and behold the Cleveland Cavaliers liked my resume so they hired me. If I can do it, anyone can. I didn’t have any headstarts or advantages in life. I’m where I’m at now due solely to my work ethic. Do you know how hard I had to train in order to grow to 7’2”??? My pituitary gland is just about worn out.

"Freeloading illegals are raping U.S. taxpayers." ~ Tea Party sign
See, the Tea Partiers know what's up. The media tries to portray them as crazy and stupid and fat and ignorant and selfish and smelly and racist, when in reality this couldn't be further from the truth. I’m no etymologist, but it’s obvious that the word “tax” is related to the word “taxidermy”, which according to Wikipedia is derived from the Greek for “classifying skins”. Now I’m no sociologist, but it seems to me that classifying people based on their skin color is the most racist thing you can possibly do. The Tea Party's fight against taxation is this decade's version of the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s.

"The American taxpayers are the Jews for Obama's ovens." ~ Tea Party sign
I was so intrigued by the Tea Party movement that I decided to join them at one of their protests the other day. I was worried that I wouldn't fit in since I play in the NBA, and I didn't know their stance on Obama's nationalization of our basketball associations. Would they view me as the enemy due to my ties to Big Basketball? However, once I got there I quickly realized my worries were unwarranted. I had a great time. I really think my homemade Teabagger sombrero won them over. There was this one dude named Karl who kept on following me around everywhere, trying to get me to hold some sign he made or something. I was too concerned with ball protection to oblige him though. Here are a couple of pictures of my adventures:


Pictured, L-R: Karl Rove, Tha Shaqtus, Jesus


Pictured: Gordon Shumway, naturalized U.S. citizen originally from Melmac.

As you can imagine, I had the time of my life. But afterwards I was talking to my boy Bron-Bron at practice and he said, "If money can't buy happiness, then taxation can't confiscate happiness. Stop bitching." Man, can you believe that shit??? I told him to shut up and get back to me once he gets 4 rings. Sheeeeit.