TNT: We Know Obama

Say y'all heard of this thing called America??? That country got itself a new president this past Monday! The Suns were in Boston since we had a game against the Celtics that night, but thankfully Coach Porter didn't schedule practice that day so we were all able to watch the Inauguration. I usually get all my news from FOX news since they have my two favorite shows, Your Baby Can Read! and The O'Reilly Factory. However, since some of the players on the Suns are patriots while the others are pinheads, we couldn't watch any of the partisan networks, as such an arrangement would be most discommodious (thanks, Factor Word of the Day!) and pestiferous (look at me go!). We arrived at a compromise of watching the Inauguration festivities on TNT. I must say, the crew of Inside the NBA did a surprisingly good job:


Notice the lack of an American flag pin on his lapel...

DAVID STERN: With the first pick in the 2009 Presidential Draft, the United States of America selects (fumbles around with the envelope for a few seconds)... 6'1'' junior Senator from Illinois, Barack Hussein Obama!
ERNIE JOHNSON: Oh wow, what a shocker! Many experts thought that Obama made a mistake when he declared for the draft early.
CHARLES BARKLEY: I don't care what people think. People are stupid.
KENNY SMITH: Well, I for one didn't have him being drafted this early. I thought he should've gone back to the Senate for at least one more term to help hone his point guard skills.
CHARLES BARKLEY: That's wronger than ketchup on pancakes.
ERNIE JOHNSON: (ignoring Sir Charles) Many owners were also reluctant to draft him due to concerns that he would not be eligible to play immediately, as he was rumored to still be under contract with his Muslim Kenyan overlords.
KENNY SMITH: His strong showing at the pre-draft workouts probably made a lot of difference--
CHARLES BARKLEY: Where can a brother get a drink around here?
ERNIE JOHNSON: Well, um... Craig Sager is courtside with the new President. Let's go to Craig.
CRAIG SAGER: Thanks, Ernie. First of all, congratulations to you, President Obama. How do you feel on this historic occasion?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: It's a dream come true. To be the first Harvard Law graduate to ever stand on that stage and shake Commissioner Stern's hand, it's pretty humbling.
CRAIG SAGER: The nation is still trying to recover from Isiah Thomas's disastrous signing of George W. Bush to an 8-year, $4 trillion contract. It may be years before we're finally under the salary cap. How do you assess your chances of leading America to a long-awaited championship?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: I just want to get America back in the playoffs, were we belong.
CRAIG SAGER: Best of luck to you, Mr. President.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Shukran.
CRAIG SAGER: Que?
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: I mean thanks.
CRAIG SAGER: Oh, you're welcome.
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA: Allahu akbar.
ERNIE JOHNSON: Great interview as always Craig. We now turn to--
CHARLES BARKLEY: I ain't never seen cranberry juice without vodka in it! Hey Craig, ask Obama if he's ever seen cranberry juice without vodka in it!
ERNIE JOHNSON: Sorry, Charles, I think the interview is already over.
CHARLES BARKLEY: Now why the hell would I know that?
KENNY SMITH: (trying to change the subject) President Obama has his work cut out for him. Diaper-wearing Senator David Vitter (R-LA) just voted against his Secretary of State nominee Hillary Clinton, Yao Ming has a sore right knee, and perhaps worst of all, the Portland Trailblazers have threatened to fillibuster the confirmation of Darius Miles, his choice for new Drug Czar.
CHARLES BARKLEY: Where can a brother get a car, preferably a black Infiniti SUV, around here?
ERNIE JOHNSON: Charles, have you been drinking?
CHARLES BARKLEY: Hey Craig, ask Osama iffy nose where a brother get a blow job rounddeer!

That's when Coach Porter made us turn the TV off.