Who DADT?

Say y'all heard of this thing called the U.S. MILITARY??? That's that shit where we keep all our weapons and what not at. But check this, the other day them folks up in Congress repealed this military policy called DADT. Before you ask me what that means, let me tell you. DADT stands for "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and was a policy implemented by the nefarious Homo-sexual Lobby to further their insidious Homo-sexual Agenda. You see, under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", homosexuals were exempt from serving in the U.S. military. So while our heterosexual American warriors fought bravely and straightly to preserve the sacred flame of American freedom, the cowardly homo-sexuals in our midst lifted nary a finger, content to remain out of harm's way and devote their resources to recruiting impressionable American youth into their perverted cult. Can you believe that shit? Homo-sexuals were demanding special rights like being married and having parades and not being murdered because of their sexual orientation, WHEN ALL ALONG THEY COULDN'T EVEN SERVE IN THE MILITARY!!! Well, thanks to our heroes in Congress, the Homo-sexual Lobby's free ride is finally over!

Of course, it's great that homo-sexuals will finally start carrying their weight, especially with all the wars going on right now plus wars with Iran, North Korea, Mexico, and Australia looming on the horizon. But I do share many of the same concerns as my Conservative brethren, namely: If gays can serve in the military, then what's keeping dogs and box turtles from serving too? (update: a highly placed source in the U.S. Navy has informed me that dogs are in fact already used for various military purposes such as detecting land mines, intimidating prisoners during interrogations, fetching slippers, and being the best widdle puppy wuppy in the whole wide world, yes that's right! Yes that's right!). And can transvestites serve? If so, they will undoubtedly be a drag on our mighty military. Zing! Also, if one gay man can serve alongside one other gay man, who's to say that one gay man can't serve alongside two other gay men? Or even three? I fear this polyarmory will be the downfall of our once proud country. 
 

Vote for Diaper Dave, and this country will go down the Vitter

Say y'all fools heard of this thing known as MIDTERM ELECTIONS??? That shit is coming up soonishly. As a convicted felon, I can't vote, but I'm curious as to who y'all finnuh vote for. Here in the Louisiana senate race we have Republican "Diaper" David Vitter going against Democrat Charlie Melancon. Vitter is polling ahead of Melancon for now. I don't really get it. I'm not much into diaper-play, but perhaps that's just because it's so hard to find diapers in my size. Believe me, I've tried.

For some inscrutable reason Louisianians seem to luv Vitter, even though he's just another in a long line of pampered politicians. Do I think he'll wind up winning the election? It depends. If the voters feel that Vitter is the right candidate to pull-up the country from its economic malaise, then yes. If, on the other hand, voters feel that he lacks the poise to competently attend to his senatorial duties, then no. Did I mention that incumbent U.S. senator David Vitter (R-LA) gets his kicks by shitting into diapers and making prostitutes clean up after him? Family values!

Juan flew over the cuckoo's nest

Aww man y'all heard of this liberal radio station known as the NPR? They just fired that dude Juan Williams for saying that he gets "worried" and "nervous" when he's on a plane and sees anyone wearing "Muslim garb". Man that is some igneous shit right there. Looks like Islam is the new black. By which I mean Muslim is the new African-American. So now it all makes sense why some people hate Obama so much, seeing as how he's both. I guess maybe I can sympathize with Juan Williams somewhat since I harbor prejudices of my own. I mean, if I were on a plane and saw someone wearing NPR garb, I would get worried and nervous that they would inform me of the latest news of the day in a calm, sonorous voice. Then of course I would burn all their complementary NPR duffel bags.

Also, what exactly is "Muslim garb", anyway? It's ignorant to think that Muslims can all be classified according to their attire. I'm Muslim, and I'm naked right now. Does that mean Juan Williams would be nervous if I was naked next to him on a plane? Maybe that's a bad example. My point is that it's not as if Muslims wear any badges or anything identifying their religion. But maybe they should? That seems like a reasonable idea. What could possibly go wrong? This way we can accurately determine who is and who isn't Muslim and act accordingly. Let's just make it illegal for those with Muslim badges to travel on planes. If Muslims are allowed on planes, then the terrorists have Juan. I mean won.

Mohammed, Mo' Problems

Say y'all ever heard of this thing called Eid al-Fitr? That's pretty much the most important Muslim holiday of the year, I mean it's either that or Valentine's Day, take your pick. So anyways, this year's Eid was controversial because it coincided with 9/11, which some people think is a Muslim holy day too but is actually not. This September 11th was also International Burn a Koran Day thanks to Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida. So on one hand his was a horrible idea that could've only been worse if he meant "Korean" rather than "Koran". But on the other hand, I kinda understand him. Autumn is coming up and it can get quite cold down there in Florida, plus with gas prices through the roof, heating costs can be exorbitant. Using books as kindling makes economic sense, and anyway it's not as if anyone in Jones' congregation knows how to read so the books would otherwise just go to waste. But why use the Koran? Well, the Koran is really thick and it emits more BTUs of heat than any other holy book, according to scientists at the National Institute of Standards and Technology. In fact, the current latent heat exchange rate has one Koran equivalent to 2.3 Bibles (KJV) and 3.1 Mahabharatas. However, none of these great holy books can even approach the awesome exothermic potential of Atlas Shrugged, which measures a whopping 5.7 Korans. Unfortunately, burning Atlas Shrugged releases highly toxic pollution which has been known to cause developmental defects if inhaled by teenagers. Pastor Jones surely knew this and decided instead to go the safe route. I'm sure even Allah himself would be willing to see a few Korans set ablaze if it meant saving impressionable youth from becoming Objectivists.

In other Islam-related news, people are still bitching about the Ground Zero Victory Mosque and Cracker Baby Re-education Camp proposed Islamic community center in lower Manhattan. I know I've written about it before, but I still can't wrap my head around all this opposition to something so benign. I mean, the imam behind the community center is a moderate Sufi. Sufis are basically the hippies of Islam. You know that famous poem, "a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou/ beside me singing in the wilderness"? That was written by a Sufi. Scary shit, huh? It's not exactly what you'd expect to see in an Al Qaeda jihad manual. The idea of an Islamic equivalent to the YMCA appeals to me because I think it would be nice if the American Muslim community had a Reformation of sorts at some point, some moderating influence to tell people to chill out like Martin Luther did when he stepped to the Pope in 1519 and was all like "I got 95 theses but a bitch ain't one" and then he marched on Washington DC and was all like "no lie can live forever" and "I have a dream" and what not. Or something. My grasp of history is tenuous because I majored in basketball at LSU. I do know how many points are in a three-pointer as well as how many dribbles are in a double-dribble. Can't no one match my knowledge on the hardcourt.

So in conclusion let me leave y'all with a hypothesis I just done hypothesized. Most sane, decent Americans hate Al Qaeda because they disagree with Al Qaeda's philosophy, but it seems like some elements of the right wing hate Al Qaeda out of mere jealousy. Islamic terrorists are beating them at their own game! Sure, some idiot pastor in bumfuck Florida can threaten to burn a bunch of Korans, but the Taliban BLEW UP TWO OF THE WORLD'S OLDEST, BIGGEST BUDDHA STATUES. That's hardcore right there. I'm beginning to think that certain segments of conservative America are cut from the same cloth as the Islamic fundamentalists we are at war with. If those two groups were to switch places, not much would change. It's just that America has a functioning democratic society where any attempt by right-wing crazies to use fear and violence to bludgeon the population into conforming to their strict dogma would be counter-productive, not to mention socially unacceptable. And luckily, our fundamentalists are so distracted by their huge flat screen TVs and endless supplies of fattening foods that their basest urges are somewhat placated and they find other, more socially acceptable and less violent, outlets for their fundamentalist tendencies. Like going to Tea Party rallies and gun ranges. And forwarding racist emails to their relatives.


Everything I ever needed to know about Islam I learned on 9/11. No, really. I took a day-long seminar in college as a requirement for my International Relations major. It just happened to be offered on 9/11. Weird coincidence, I know.

Anchors away

Say y'all heard of these things called "anchor babies"? That's the disgustingly offensive yet surprisingly accepted way of referring to babyfolk born on U.S. soil to non-resident immigrants. Thanks to highly effective fear-mongering being implemented by certain right-wingers, there is a movement afoot to get rid of birthright citizenship, which is something that is guaranteed by the 14th Amendment (of course, this is the Tea Party's least favorite amendment). Now I ain't no lawyer but I do know a few people what went to lawyer school and if they're to be believed apparently the 14th Amendment is pretty important. Among many other very important rights, the 14th Amendment confers automatic citizenship to any human born in the United States. At least I think it's limited to humans. I certainly hope so. Can y'all imagine all these illegal Mexican birds flying over the border and eating all our American crops? Then they lay all the eggs they can and their little hatchlings are automatically entitled to all the birdseed stamps they want. Shit, I used to be for the 14th Amendment but now that I think about it maybe those Tea-anderthals do have a point.

When American birds, such as the bald eagle, migrate, they do it the right way. They're here LEGALLY and they get their passports stamped when they migrate south for the winter. Not like those swarthy shifty Mexican birds, such as el aguila real. They don't even pay taxes but the gubmint lets them freeload and shit (literally) all over the American taxpayer. What we need to do is build a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very tall fence on the border to keep them lazy hollow-boned egg-laying moochers out. I bet they don't even speak English. The other day I saw a mama bird regurgitate its food and feed it to its chicks. How sick is that shit? Someone call Social Services on their feathered asses. It doesn't take a genius to see the connection between our lenient treatment of illegal Mexican birds and the recent salmonella epidemic. If we continue to appease Los Pajaros Peligrosos and their open border agenda, we'll inevitably succumb to bird flu or ebola or Montezuma's Revenge or whatever biological weapon of mass destruction they're currently working on. And where is Obama in all of this? He's been suspiciously silent on this issue. Instead of acting boldly, he's walking on eggshells (ha!). He really laid an egg (ha!) on this one.

But anyway, back to humans, which was the original point of this post before I got sidetracked. So it's bad enough that some Republican politicians are harping on "anchor babies" in order to create a climate of fear amongst the more primitive and suggestible portion of the populace just in time for election season. What's worse is that some spectacularly demented politicians are going so far as to raise a new conspiracy: TERROR BABIES!!! This is so bizarre and unhinged a conspiracy theory that I can't really summarize it, so please please please just click on the link. The gist of it, if I follow correctly, is that terrorist groups will partner with illegal immigrants to form a Latino-Arab-Islamist supergroup named El Qaeda, which will then recruit pregnant women to cross the border while they're in labor and plop out their dusky bundles of joy onto U.S. soil. These terror babies will then have all the advantages of U.S. citizenship, which will of course make it easier for them to implement their master plan of placing explosives into our nation's tomato supply, to which they will have sole access since it will be their job to harvest all America's produce. The plan will come to fruition (I'm not sure if this is a pun or not) during Ramadan of 2028, while American Muslims are all fasting, thus ensuring that they will be spared from the carnage. So I'd just like to thank Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), not only for warning us about terror babies and their impending gazpacho Gestapo, but for also giving me the inspiration for the name of my new band. Look for the Terror Babies' first album to drop sometime in early 2011.

When Arizona looks kinda weird and you wish that you weren't there...

Palindrome

Hey yo, how y'all be living? Y'all heard of this literary technique known as the palindrome? When I first heard of that shit, I was suspicious, seeing as how it seemed improbable that any useful or interesting literary technique could be named after Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska and current head of Al-Aska Martyrs' Brigade. After all it's common knowledge that she is, how shall I put it, a bit slow. In the brain. Some might even go so far as to call her not smart. Like maybe she's so not smart that she thinks Eugene V. Debs was a court case. I don't want to be mean or anything but she just isn't the most brilliant person out there. Like maybe she's so not brilliant that she thinks the Mongolian Steppe is a dance move.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered that the palindrome is actually an amazing invention. Palin is a lot smarter than I initially gave her credit for. So anyways, a palindrome is a word or sentence that is spelled the same way backwards and forwards. Pretty crazy huh? Sarah Palin invented them to make life easier for dyslexic people. She is truly a humanitarian.

Anyways, the other night me and the reanimated corpse of former Poet Laureate Robert Frost had a poetry contest as part of my acclaimed Shaq Versus television series. The theme of the episode was palindromic poetry. We had to each come up with a poem in which each line was a palindrome, and luckily we had the option of adding an extra non-palindromic line at the end to complete the rhyme scheme. And guess what? I won!!! Ain't nothing Shaqdaddy can't do. My domination nose know bounds.

Be with gin, a night I web.
Don drowsy's word: Nod.
Defer as pandas' sad naps are fed
No peels o' sleep on
Which to bed.


UPDATE: Here is Mr. Frost's poem. It doesn't make much sense. Perhaps I should stop challenging zombies.

He did pose as Aesop did, eh?
Don't nod.
Toronto got no rot.
You, bay a buoy.
Salt an Atlas.
Never odd or even.
My name is Steven.

Eat prey, love

What up, peoplefolk? Y'all heard of this thing called FOODSTUFF??? That's what most people eat in order to live. But check it out, y'all, me and my Muslim homies and homettes can't eat none of that shit from sunup to sundown for a whole month on account of it being Ramadan right now. I'm just glad that Ramadan didn't fall during the NBA season like it has so often in years past.

Well anyway, I'm sure I'll blog more about Ramadan in the coming weeks, but now I want to share with y'all a very interesting article what I read on the world-wide interwebs. Scientists in Ethiopia recently fount proof that prehistoric Australopithecus afarensis (a surprisingly long and drawn-out name considering it has "pith" in it) from 3.4 million years ago used stone tools to butcher meat. For those of you who need background, Australianpithecus aforensics weren't members of our genus (which is--don't laugh--Homo). Rather, they arose more than a million years before Homo and are classified as early hominins (almost a homonym of "homonym"). The new finding means that our ancestors began eating meat and bone marrow 800,000 years earlier than scienticians had previously thought. Of course, this immediately and conclusively delegitimizes the entire vegetarian movement. If Lucy et al were eating delicious impala meat and wearing the latest dinosaur skin fashions some 3.4 million years ago, then who's to say that present-day humans are wrong for doing similarly? If meat was good enough for Lucy and good enough for Jesus, then by gum, it should be good enough for us too! In fact, when I'm elected Pope the first thing I'm going to do is change the Eucharist from a wafer to some sort of jerky. I think bacon will be involved too. It's supposed to be the body of Christ and last I checked Jesus wasn't made of unleavened bread. Comparing him to a cracker seems kind of racist to me now that I think about it more. Where's Andrew Breitbart when you really need him?

And I'm tired of all these liberal cardiologists from PETA telling people that red meat leads to cardiovascular disease. If that's true, how come cows, which are made ENTIRELY OF RED MEAT, very rarely need to undergo heart bypass surgery or have pacemakers installed? Huh? Answer me that, Peter Singer and Cass Sunstein! Meat is not murder. Meat doesn't kill animals, death kills animals. We evolved to what we are now solely due to eating meat as God intended us to. How else can you explain the progress from Lucy, who at a mere 3'6'' was probably known as the Muggsey Bogues of Australiansyphilis apparatus, to me, a 7'2'' Goliath of a man who has averaged 2.3 blocks per game over the course of what will surely prove to be a Hall of Fame career?

This lard is my lard

Yo yo yo, what it is, mon peeps? Y'all heard of this here thing called the CHILDHOOD OBESITY? That shit is undoubtedly a big (ha!) problem here in America, so our First Lady Michelle Hussein Obama has taken it upon herself to lead the movement (ha!) against it. The name of her public health initiative, "Let's Move", is a subtle nod to the Democrats' previous unsuccessful public health initiative, "Let's Move to Canada". The crux of Michelle Obama's message is that kids should exercise and eat healthy foods. It all seems like a common-sense solution to a pressing problem, right? Surely Michelle Obama's plan is laudable, or at the very least innocuous? HA! I pity you, naive liberal reader. For this is what I thought too, at first, before being enlightened by the brightest, most bulbous bulb on the informative chandelier that is Fox News. I am referring, of course, to none other than my boy Glenn Beck.

Apparently, Michelle Obama's fight against childhood obesity is difficult for Beck to stomach (ha!). This makes sense, as Beck and his Tea Party cohorts seem to be perpetually stuck in their childhood. They've never grown up from the selfish mindset of a petulant toddler. Thus, they don't like being told what to do, no matter how much it makes sense, no matter how much society as a whole will benefit from it. Self-improvement, if requested by an authority figure, is tantamount to tyranny. You might think that such a view, if held by a significant proportion of the populace, would lead to a hellish society no decent human would ever want to be part of. As I mentioned before, I would have agreed with you until my Beck-induced epiphany, my moment of Beckoning, if you will. Let us now explore it.

To cut to the chase, Michelle Obama's diabolical plan to force America's citizenry to become healthier and live longer, more satisfying lives means nothing less than the end of America as we know it. Obama uses so called "science" to claim that reducing sugar intake can decrease the likelihood of being obese or getting diabetes. However, a closer look at the evidence makes it clear that the Marxist socialist Obama plans on using her precious "facts" and "data" as a pretext to replace high fructose corn syrup with low fructose ACORN syrup. As the saying goes, you are what you eat. This country was founded on mammoth cauldrons of carbonated syrup water and family-size bags of Cheetos. Without those, what does being an American even mean? It's just a matter of time before Beck and his followers start a grassroots Soda Party to protest Obama's burgeoning nanny state. AH WAWNT MA 'MURKA BACK!!! 

Michelle Obama also claims that dessert is a privilege, not a right. Dessert isn't a right? Fuck that! Health care isn't a right! Dessert most certainly is a constitutionally protected right, or haven't you read the Bible??? I know Glenn Beck loves to compare Michelle Obama to Marie Antoinette, but at least Marie Antoinette would let the French peasants eat cake. YOU CAN HAVE MY TWINKIE WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS oh and also my bloated sausage fingers, let's not forget those. Most troubling of all, Michelle Obama also claims that breastfeeding can reduce a child's chance of obesity later in life. Promoting breastfeeding? Leave it to those perverted deviant liberals to encourage sex education among INFANTS! The first time I ever had a breast in my mouth was on my honeymoon, as Lord God intended it to be. In conclusion, WOODROW WILSON VAN JONES.

Glenn Beck, age 10, none too happy about his cabbage-flavored popsicle.

Race: the final frontier

Oh man y'all heard of this thing called racism? Man that shit has been on the news 24/7 up in this country named America. The NAACP accused the Tea Party of being racist, which then prompted the Tea Party to accuse the NWA--whoops I mean NAACP of reverse racism which then prompted the White House to fire a black female USDA worker on the grounds of double super inverse racism which then prompted the NAACP to apologize when it turned out aforementioned USDA worker wasn't actually racist which then prompted all of right-wing talk radio to attempt a triple Axel reverse racism toe loop by accusing the White House of rushing to judgment which then prompted me to pretty much want to leave this shithole country and never come back.

The Tea Party is standing steadfast in its idiotic assertion that all racism is equal and that context doesn't matter. Thus, one black woman initially refusing to help one white farmer is morally equivalent to millions of white farmers enslaving millions of black people for hundreds of years. In Rwanda, Hutus killed one million Tutsis but it's all good now because on March 21, 2007 a Tutsi mother of three stubbed her toe on a chair shoddily constructed by Hutu carpenters. Also, The Audacity of Hope, Barack Obama's famous manifesto on how to reclaim the American Dream, is totally racist because it was written by a black man so therefore the Tea Party's rebuttal The Audacity of Rope, an examination into the merits of lynching, is its moral equal. And here I thought conservatives were against moral relativism.


Why is February Protocol Droid History Month? How come Jawas don't get their own month?

We all scream for ice cream

Ice cream. It is a universally beloved dessert treat. A welcome antidote to the stifling summer. Whether enconed or in a dish, smothered in toppings or left tastefully bare, ice cream has delighted Americans of all ages, races, and creeds since the founding of this great nation. Ice cream is as American as apple pie (upon which it is often served) and baseball (to which freshly scooped spheres of it bear a strikingly close resemblance). Surely nothing typifies the American dream better than a married couple taking their children to partake in the sweet frozen ambrosia served at their local ice creamery. Gentle reader, you may now be asking yourself why your faithful writer has chosen this, his controversial sports/politics blog, as the place to broach a subject as seemingly innocent as ice cream. Is it not always best to shield our venerated icons of Americana from the befouling taint of partisan politics? In a bygone day, in a simpler time, I would have agreed. But alas, that was before my world changed. That was before I got wind of ICE CREAM GATE, the gate to end all gates. Never before has a sitting American president so perverted the meaning of something we all hold dear.

Know, gentle reader, that I did not seek out this scandal. I merely report, the decision is up to you. The facts remain; this weekend Barack Obama went to an ice cream shop in Maine, the ice cream shop's logo features a black fist clenching a black spoon, Obama himself is black, Obama ordered a vanilla waffle cone. In this case there is but one decision that any clear-thinking patriot could make: our beloved fatherland is soon to be under unrelenting attack by Marxist black supremacist forces. The symbolism in Obama's brazen act is obvious. The vanilla represents hardworking white Christian taxpayers, and Obama is devouring their creamy goodness.


Vanilla ice cream in a graham cracka baby cone

Muslims one, ground zero

Say y'all heard of this thing called the Nine Eleven? Well now them Islamical folk want to build a mosque at Ground Zero. Technically it's 2 blocks away from Ground Zero but still I think those Moozlim prayers will pass perilously close to Ground Zero on their way to the Kaaba. So the threat to our Baby Jesus-fearing judeo-Christian nation is still very real indeed. If we U.S. Americans allow this mosque to be built I fear that the Muslim Menace will begin to escalate their ongoing conquest of America. Emboldened by our capitulation, the Muslims will no doubt start praying 6 or 7 times a day instead of the customary 5. If this rate of increase holds, the average Muslim is expected to pray an estimated 4.9 billion times a day by early 2012. I am concerned that Christian America is not equipped to handle such an escalation in the prayer race. America won the Cold War due to Ronald Reagan's ingenious invention of an extra meal between brunch and lunch, what he dubbed "brulunch", thereby increasing by 33% the number of opportunities for the average God-fearing Christian American family to say Grace. Is Barack HUSSEIN Obama prepared or even able to attempt a similar gambit? Ha! Excuse me while I laugh. Ha! Again, ha! But somehow this prayer gap must be bridged, and it must be bridged soon. United we stand, divided we kneel or bow or whatever it is they do to that weirdo God of theirs, what's his name Alla or something?

OK but seriously, former Alaskan governor and current spoken English attempter Sarah Palin has called on peaceful Muslims to "refudiate" the mosque (I guess you can't pronounce "neologism" without "allah"?). As a peaceful Muslim myself, I must politefully refusify Ms. Palin's requestation. Sorry Sarah. And for those who agree with her, there isn't any nice way of putting this: you are defective human beings. Completely lacking the capacity for rational thought is a pretty big manufacturer's error, and really y'all should consider yourself lucky that God isn't demanding a massive recall and y'all aren't sent back to your creator in your original packaging as soon as possible. By Palin's (lack of) logic, there should be no churches in Oklahoma City and no sushi restaurants in Hawaii. And all people named Katrina should be banned from New Orleans. Every time I meet someone with that name I find the situation to be "too raw, too real" and then proceed to urinate on myself while attacking said person with a baseball bat. Both of these things are illegal to do in public here in NOLA.

Oil's well that ends well

Oh shit y'all heard of that oil spill down in the Gulf of Mexico? I hadn't posted about it until now because I thought it would be in bad taste to minimize a tragedy as it was unfolding, but now that THAT SHIT IS OVER! I can finally make my opinion on the matter known. It might not be popular to say this, but I actually don't see what the big deal was. Why are people complaining so much? So the whole Gulf ecosystem is now ruined just so an oil company could make obscene profits, so what? All those oysters and crabs and shrimps and sea turtles and pelicans were going to be eaten anyway. And how were they going to be cooked? By deep-frying them in oil, of course. So really, we should've been thanking BP for streamlining the food preparation process. Just light all that oil on fire and enjoy the deep-fried crispy natural goodness of the Gulf Coast ecosystem!

The real losers in all of this are the corporate executives at BP. Oil is a valuable commodity last I checked (30 minutes ago) and millions upon millions of gallons of BP's oil have been released into the Gulf as a result of this spill. Much of this oil already has and will continue to wash ashore on the beaches and marshlands of the Gulf Coast, one of the poorest areas in the U.S. Technically this is BP's oil, but you better believe that those greedy Gulf Coast bastards will keep whatever oil they find on their coasts for themselves, and the fejrul gubmint won't do a thing to stop them. No wonder there has been an influx of "volunteers" down south aiming to "clean up" the Gulf Coast. I advise all y'all poor Louisianians to head on over to the coast with a bunch of buckets and just help y'allselves to some of that free oil. Now that's a stimulus! I don't see how Obama can justify taking BP's oil and redistributing it all over the Gulf Coast. Conservatives should be up in arms about this. This is the biggest redistribution of wealth since the health care bill. I bet Obama (who I recently heard being referred to by a particularly clever and informed wordsmith as "Nobama") is just trying to curry favor with voters in the Gulf Coast, since he has been historically unpopular with a certain segment of the population there. The least Obama can do is stop playing politics and reimburse BP for all the oil it lost. Rep. Joe Barton got things started in the right direction by apologizing to BP, for which he is an American hero, and now Obama needs to follow suit.

For those patriotic devotees of free enterprise who are concerned about BP's future viability as a profit-making entity, fear not: I have taken it upon myself to volunteer my expertise in corporate rebranding, leveraging the synergistic capabilities of various components across BP's corporate value chain in order to more efficiently facilitate the targeting of strategic strategies thus enabling a more frequent delivery of excess deployable business value while paradigmatically avoiding a reduction in market share among key demographics. In other words, hey what if BP branched out into the cereal game huh??


A dead pelican in every box!

Soy Loco Por Ti, America

Aww man y'all heard of this thing called Independence??? Well, today is the is the anniversary of the day when America done invented that independence shit way back in the day. They had all these white dudes who wore wigs, and some of them were Whigs, back in the 1700s or some shit and Ben Franklin was all like if I tie this key to this kite and fly it in a rainstorm them maybe we can capture some independence and then Thomas Edison trapped that shit in a glass tube and they were all like shit now we can have all the independence we want! But none for women and coloreds. Then they declared that shit and wrote it out on some parchment cuz there wasn't no internet back in those days and now every 4th of July we set off fireworks, which were invented in China.

Man, I love the America, but some people are starting to doubt that because of my last post, in which I stated my misgivings about the new Arizona immigration law. People been saying that the illegal immigrants, who some just call "illegals" and others call "CRIMMIGRANTS", are a burden to America and should be deported back to Hispanica where they come from. I think this is a bit harsh since illegal immigrants are still human beings last I checked (which was Thursday). Then the anti-immigration folk get red in the face and yell "WHAT PART OF 'ILLEGAL' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??!?!?!?" and I'm like I didn't know this was gonna be a vocabulary test. It's been decades since LSU paid some other dude to take my SAT so I'd be eligible to play basketball and since then my word talking skills have gotten even worst. Shit dude, this is America. I don't need to pass no literacy test to have opinions on shit and what not.

So anyway, I suppose my ancestors immigrated here illegally too. I mean, I doubt slaves had visas or green cards or any proper documentation. They just got on a cruise boat and came here so they could enjoy the good life and get fat leeching off the rest of society. I've heard they stole a SHITLOAD of white folk's farming jobs. They didn't even pay taxes either. And most of them didn't even bother to learn English. And they even had the audacity to have anchor babies! So should I be deported?

 
The free market at work outside of a Home Deport, oops Home Depot.
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.

Gringo de Mayo

Say y'all heard of these people known as MEXICANS??? Today is the day that them folk be celebrating their independence from Napoleon is what I heard. Anyway, there is also some NBA PLAYOFFS going on today. My most recent ex-team, the Phoenix Suns, is playing the San Antone Spurs tonight. Boy am I glad that I got out of Phoenix when I did, cause it turns out that now the politicians in Arizona is passing all kinds of crazy laws. Apparently Arizona is teeming with illegal immigrants who steal white people's jobs and health care and moneys and welfare and daughters and what nots, so they just passed a law making it illegal to be illegal. Some people are claiming that the law is unconstitutional, as it will inevitably lead to racial profiling of Hispanical people, but I read the law and it clearly applies equally to Canadians and Martians as well, so how could that possibly be racist?

The bill, which was sponsored by Arizona State Senator Russell Pearce and signed into law by Governor Jan Brewer, is named Senate Bill 1070, the Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act. Incidentally, 1070 is what Russell Pearce scored on the SAT. Another interesting tidbit is that Jan Brewer is the twin sister of Emperor Palpatine. This, of course, is further evidence that genetics, not environment, is the primary factor that controls the aging process. Seriously, though, Brewer's impossibly wrinkled visage suggests Dorian Gray in reverse, and I half-suspect that somewhere in some hidden room at the governor's mansion there hangs a portrait of a pure, innocent, unblemished, beautiful young woman. This presupposes that Brewer is evil enough to strike a deal with the devil and stupid enough to get it backwards. Both of which seem entirely plausible to me. But I digress...

Anyway, I am afraid that this law will negatively affect the NBA, as now Commissioner Stern has no choice but to deport Phoenix's star point guard Steve Nash back to Canada. And what about Eduardo Najera? What will he do?? WHY HASN'T ANYBODY THOUGHT OF EDUARDO NAJERA!>!>!??? Also, this may pose problems if my Cavs have to fly to Phoenix to play the Suns in the NBA Finals (Ed note: Problem averted. Thanks, Celtics and Lakers. Assholes. Fuck you Kobe). Many of the Cavs are in this country illegally. Ziggy overstayed his student visa, Lebron is a Frenchman, and I renounced my American citizenship when Kazaam wasn't nominated for any Oscars. Luckily, Cleveland is a sanctuary city, but now if we travel to Arizona we liable to get deported by Sheriff Joe. But as bad as Arizona's law may be, it's a far cry from the law that Texas is thinking about passing: Support Our Law Enforcement and Fucking Piranhas in the Motherfucking Rio Grande Act.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus (but there was no such thing as slavery)

DAMN y'all heard of this state called Virginia? That's the state what England sent all its virgins over to colonize back in the 1600s AD. But they must not've stayed virgins very long, cuz nowadays Virginia has a population of almost 8 million. They also got a naked lady on their flag and a dumbass in their governor's office. Earlier this month, Virginia governor Bob McDonnell declared April Confederate History Month. I think this in and of itself is really fucking stupid cuz, you know, fuck the fucking Confederacy. But what pushed McDonnell's declaration into the realm of the truly gubernotorious is that he initially failed to make any mention of slavery. So, to recap, Old McDonnell decides that if Uncle Sam gives them uppity negrozoids a month, then by golly gosh, the state of Virginia should dedicate a (longer) month to the glorious memory of the treasonous idiot racists of the Confederacy, people who were the enemy in the bloodiest war America has ever experienced.

In what world is this not the worst fucking idea ever??? The initial proclamation hailed the "sacrifices of the Confederate leaders, soldiers, and citizens during the period of the Civil War." McDonnell later elaborated that he excluded slavery because he wanted to focus on the aspects of the Civil War that "were most significant for Virginia." At the time of the Civil War, slaves made up about one third of Virginia's population. Currently, African-Americans, most of whom are descendants of slaves, make up about one fifth of VA's population. So demographically, it would seem that McDonnell is wrong about his assertion that slavery isn't an important or relevant issue for a considerable amount of Virginians. Oh yeah, and then there's the small matter than EVEN A FUCKING COMATOSE BABY PENGUIN IN FUCKING ANTARCTICA WOULD KNOW THAT SLAVERY WAS THE MAIN FUCKING REASON THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR WAS FOUGHT. Who are you trying to kid, McDonnell? I guess I can understand if a lot of Virginians are reluctant to recognize the true nature of the actions of their ancestors due to feelings of shame; however, I refuse to believe that a significant portion of Virginians either simply don't think slavery was the major cause of the Civil War or acknowledge that it was but don't care.

But even putting the issue of slavery aside, celebrating anything about the Confederacy is asinine and a bit evil in my opinion. It's not as if slavery wasn't widespread in the North. Sure, the North happened to end it sooner than the South, but the fact that it was willing to engage in such a deplorable institution means I'm not gonna give it a gold star for morality. But one thing that the North wasn't willing to do, and this is important, is secede from the Union and start a war that led to the death of hundreds of thousands of its fellow countrymen. It's fucked enough that the Confederacy was a fundamentally racist organization, but on top of it the Confederates were unrepentant bloodletting traitors. Since when is treason a virtue? The same people who deride all Muslims and Liberals as disloyal terrorists are perfectly content to glorify their treasonous ancestors. Guh? Just because people are your ancestors doesn't mean you're obliged to honor them. If you're German, you're allowed to be ashamed of Nazis. You're allowed to lament the fact that you came from such fucked up stock. It's perfectly normal and commendable and human. What's not allowable is to go to such lengths to idolize and idealize them that you are willing to revise history and ignore or downplay despicable acts committed by them.
 
Konfederate Kris Kringle sez "The south shall rise again."

Tax Attacks

"I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization." ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Aww man y’all heard of the imposition of compulsory levies on individuals and entities by the gubmint? That’s what the Encyclopaedia Britannica calls “taxation”, and it is undoubtedly the most foul and iniquitous of all government functions. I can’t even believe that our government is authorized to do this to us here in America, which is supposably a free country. The Tea Partiers are right. Taxation is theft. That's my hard earned moneys that the gubmint is trying to steal from me! I'm a hard-working American taxpayer who works hard and pays taxes. After taxes, my $20 million salary is shorn to a meager $13 million. How I'm apposed to live off of that? SHAQ DADDY GOT NEEDS TOO, MAYNG!!!

"When there is an income tax, the just man will pay more and the unjust less on the same amount of income." ~ Plato
I use my money to help grow the economy. That Big and Tall store on Euclid Ave. would be out of business if it weren't for me, as would Croutons 'n' Such on 4th and Prospect. But now that my hard earned money is being redistributed to pay for y'all's mortgages and unemployment benefits, small business owners are going to be hit hardest. In fact, just the other day I had to lay off the guy I hire to clean my ass. Now I got a stank ass and he's got broken dreams.

"Taxes, after all, are dues that we pay for the privileges of membership in an organized society." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
I know it’s a bad economy and all, but I ain’t got no sympathy for y’all out-of-work plebes. I mean, when I got laid off by the Phoenix Suns, instead of whining to Obama I buckled down and started looking for a job right away, and lo and behold the Cleveland Cavaliers liked my resume so they hired me. If I can do it, anyone can. I didn’t have any headstarts or advantages in life. I’m where I’m at now due solely to my work ethic. Do you know how hard I had to train in order to grow to 7’2”??? My pituitary gland is just about worn out.

"Freeloading illegals are raping U.S. taxpayers." ~ Tea Party sign
See, the Tea Partiers know what's up. The media tries to portray them as crazy and stupid and fat and ignorant and selfish and smelly and racist, when in reality this couldn't be further from the truth. I’m no etymologist, but it’s obvious that the word “tax” is related to the word “taxidermy”, which according to Wikipedia is derived from the Greek for “classifying skins”. Now I’m no sociologist, but it seems to me that classifying people based on their skin color is the most racist thing you can possibly do. The Tea Party's fight against taxation is this decade's version of the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s.

"The American taxpayers are the Jews for Obama's ovens." ~ Tea Party sign
I was so intrigued by the Tea Party movement that I decided to join them at one of their protests the other day. I was worried that I wouldn't fit in since I play in the NBA, and I didn't know their stance on Obama's nationalization of our basketball associations. Would they view me as the enemy due to my ties to Big Basketball? However, once I got there I quickly realized my worries were unwarranted. I had a great time. I really think my homemade Teabagger sombrero won them over. There was this one dude named Karl who kept on following me around everywhere, trying to get me to hold some sign he made or something. I was too concerned with ball protection to oblige him though. Here are a couple of pictures of my adventures:


Pictured, L-R: Karl Rove, Tha Shaqtus, Jesus


Pictured: Gordon Shumway, naturalized U.S. citizen originally from Melmac.

As you can imagine, I had the time of my life. But afterwards I was talking to my boy Bron-Bron at practice and he said, "If money can't buy happiness, then taxation can't confiscate happiness. Stop bitching." Man, can you believe that shit??? I told him to shut up and get back to me once he gets 4 rings. Sheeeeit.

Glengarry Glenn Beck

Say y'all heard about that crazy fat boy on the Fox News named Ben Gleck? Ever since I injured my thumb (more on that in a later post) I haven't been able to play any b-ball, so I've had lots of free time to myself. And y'all know that with me, free time=FOX NEWS BAYBEE!!!! So I been watching The Glenn Beck Show like urryday lately and I gotta say, he dominates the cable news 4-5 PM time slot like I dominate the low post. I know some uh y'all is prolly thinking "Damn Shaq Daddy, did you tear a ligament in your thumb or in your brain???" but seriously, you gots to give ma boy Glenn a chance afore you judge him. Once you start watching him, you'll find him indispensable.

Like the other day after I heard that Justice John Paul Jones was finnuh peace out of the Supreme Court, I was unsure what to think. On the one hand, dude went to UChicago so how smart can he possibly be, but on the other hand I don't know what the Supreme Court even is is it anything like a regulation NBA court how high are the hoops I've never heard of it they must play in the Western Conference right? Fuck Kobe. But then Glenn came to rescue me from the evil clutches of ignorance, giving me all the information and context necessary for me to form a coherent opinion. It's obvious that President Obama is gonna select a gay, handicapped (redundant?), black, female of the immigrant persuasion to succeed Justice What's-His-Face. This, of course, is an outrage. Black people complain about how they're minorities and what not, but they already control all major positions of power in this country. Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are black. Clarence Thomas is black. Some of Glenn Beck's best friends are black. For Pete's sake, black people currently comprise HALF OF THE PRESIDENCY! HALF!!! Geez, that's some minority. Plus black people kicked the white people's asses in the Civil War. Most importantly, there have been EIGHT Pope Urbans throughout history. So it's plain to see that black people have both secular and religious institutional power on par with, if not exceeding, that of whitefolk.

As far as teh gays go, I don't see how a group of people who routinely use JUDICIAL ACTIVISM to further their diabolical agenda can be trusted with a seat on the highest court in the land. In fact, due to the Homosexual Lobby, California was forced to pass Proposition 8, which I just learned from Glenn Beck is not a hemorrhoid cream. Call me a haterosexual if you must, but I believe Lord God Jesus created Adam & Eve, not Madam & Eve. Adam & Eve, not Adam & some sexy hung gay dude. With rock hard abs. Who can dance. And is witty. And hung, in case I hadn't mentioned that before. I think his name has to be Steve in order for the joke to work, but whatevs. What was I saying? Oh yeah, Glenn Beck. If the liberals get their way and say that one gay man can marry another gay man, then who's to say that same gay man can't marry a gay horse? Or a gay waffle maker? IT'S ALREADY HAPPENING IN EUROPE, PEOPLE!!!

Some liberals might think that Glenn Beck is just a paranoid idiot whose rantings about impending communism are borne of a delusional fear that Obama will redistribute chins, thus leaving poor Glenn deprived of his hard earned and much cherished surplus, but I beg to differ. Glenn Beck is a legitimate American hero. Those who ignore or underestimate him do so at their own peril. As the leader of the ascendant Tea Party movement, he is definitely poised to be one of America's most prominent and relevant intellectuals for years to come. He deserves a place in the pantheon of great Conservative thinkers, amongst such giants of American Conservatism as Ronald Reagan, William F. Buckley, Barry Goldwater, and Jim Crow. I'd like to imagine that the aforementioned Mr. Buckley, if he were around to do so, would appreciate our Mr. Beck taking it upon himself to be the loudest voice standing athwart History, yelling "ZOMG OBAMAz A MARXIST SOCISLIST MUST BE STOPPED!!! REVERND WRIGHT KENYA FREDOM BALCK LIBERATION @#$% TOTES OLIGARHY### VAN JONES VAN JONES VAN JONES!!!"

"Fuck you, that's my name. You know why, mister? You took government-provided public transportation to get here, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW (which I was able to afford because I single-handedly pulled myself up by my own bootstraps like a Randian demigod of capitalism, amassing a fortune in the tried and true American way, and before you go saying that I had help from my parents or public education or whatever, I'll have you know that I sprung from the Earth itself like the autochthonous Athenians of ancient Greek lore, and as far as the public education thing well, shit, I can't read and I can barely write, so there's that refuted quite nicely wouldn't you say?). THAT'S my name."

Malice on loan from God

By now y'all probably heard of that earthquake down in Haiti what killed hundreds of thousands of people. That shit is indescribably terrible so I don't really have anything to say about it that can't be said betterly by someone who have more eloquent speakitude than I do. I'm just trying to do my part for the Haitians as best as I can, trying to improve their lives by harnessing the awesome power of the slam dunk. But shit y'all, turns out that my fellow NBA all-stars don't want to participate in my proposed charity slam dunk contest. Their refusal is unconscionably selfish if you ask me. I guess Kobe is too busy with his rapings and what not. Sheeeit.

But anyhow, as bad as all that is, I just fount out about something that is FAR WORSER! Check out what the head of the GOP, Rush Limbaugh, had to say about the earthquake. Dude be saying for us U.S. Americans not to donate to Haiti cuz we already do, in the form of the fejrul income task. Can y'all believe his igneous ass?!?!? I bet if an earthquake hit Palm Beach dude would be straight begging for donations. And then Rush made things even worse by claiming that the American government's quick response to the catastrophe was due to Barack Obama's desire to pander to the black community. Cuz yeah, Obama needs all the help he can get with the black community. I mean, it was disenchanted black independents who voted for Scott Brown in droves and ruined the Democrats' supermegamajority in the Senate, right? And black people sure are well represented in the Teabagger protests that have been spreading all over the country like wildfire. Bigoted, illiterate wildfire.

As if Rush hadn't made enough a fool of himself, he then went on to respond to a female caller's criticism by accusing her of having "tampons in [her] ears." Seriously. This happened. Upon hearing it, I assumed that either his knowledge of female anatomy was somewhat lacking, or he was a disgusting misogynist. But after listening to his show for a couple more minutes, torrents of blood spontaneously started gushing out of my ears. "Oh no, this is bad," I thought to myself. "I need blood in order to live." So I ran to the bathroom in a panic, frantically searching for something to stanch the flow. The blood loss was already substantial; dizziness and confusion began to set in, growing more intense with each passing moment. I fumbled through the medicine cabinet. Q-Tips. Too small. Tylenol gelcaps. Not absorbent. A box of Kleenex. Fuck, all out. Chattem's Icy-Hot. A brilliant product, to be sure, but not one with any useful application in this particular situation. Double-sided velour puff with satin ribbon. What the fuck is this for? Disposable razors. These will only make the problem worse. A jar of peanut butter. How did this get here? Nevermind. Time is running out. Surely, somewhere there must be--wait, what's this? A box of tampons? Ultra absorbent?! Hallelujah, I am saved! Oh, frabjous day! Thank the Heavens for menstruation! Bless Shaunie and her heavy flow! Like Sir Fatty at a buffet, I attacked my newfound motherlode, greedily clutching as many of the absorbent ivory saviors as my gargantuan hands could endure and violently stuffing them into my ear canals. Silence. Sweet, dry silence. At long last. I stood there panting, heart rate slackened as the fog of crisis gently ascended above my menstruating head, and began to reflect on my near-death experience. The tampons, having been crammed in so forcefully, provided a hermetic seal around my ears. Thus no sound could penetrate them, leaving only one sound for me to contemplate: the deep, resonant lull of the tampons themselves. Have you ever placed a conch shell to your ears? It's like that. In that brief moment a sense of calmness permeated me. I felt at peace with all Creation, even Kobe's punk ass. Sure, a lot of y'all have probably heard a tampon, but how many of y'all have actually listened to one? The epiphany was fleeting, however, as I had to exit the bathroom after little Shaquilla walked in and announced her need to make boom-boom. All of this is just a long-winded way of saying sorry to Rush. I now understand that your tampon comment was motivated not by misogyny, but by an awareness of the effects that listening to your repugnant tirades have on normal, rational people. However, that does not absolve you of responsibility for these other disgusting quotes:

-"Howard Zinn, JD Salinger, 200,000 Haitians...it's true what they say, death really does come in threes."

-"Black people? Isn't that an oxymoron???"

-"MORE FOOD!!! NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM!!!"

Sue Dat!

What up mon peeps? Y'all heard of this thing called intellectual property? The NFL be saying that they own the trademark to the New Orleans Saints' cheer of choice, "Who Dat!", and are suing to prevent the phrase from being used on T-shirts. Now I ain't no lawyer, nor have I ever set foot in a law school, nor would I ever even consider doing so, but I gotta say that this lawsuit seems to me to be without merit. But again, what do I know? I'm just a 7'2" professional basketball player. For the Cleveland Cavs (editor's note: the NBA's effort to trademark the human calf muscle was rejected by the Ohio Supreme Court in 1987). It's bad enough that the NFL owns the color brown and the number 49, now we Saints fans have to deal with this ish right as we begin to prepare for the biggest moment in franchise history? How we supposed to stand up and get crunk if we can't even drunkenly chant WHO DAT! without paying a fee to the league office? Sean Payton, if you're reading this blog, take care of this please. Property is theft, ya feel me? Proper tea, on the other hand, is delicious.

Don't talk about playoffs

What it is, motherfuckers?!?!? Y'all heard of my playoff predictions? Turns out I got 3 out of 4 correct. Not bad if you ask me. Now if only I could make my free throws at a similar rate. Anyways, this weekend the NFL playoffs really get interesting. My NOLA Saints is playing Saturday afternoon against the defending NFC champs, the Urrzona Cardinals. If y'all remember, last year I was rooting for the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl on account of their religious mascot. But shit y'all, can't no Cardinal even compare to no Saint in terms of piety. Plus we got St. Buddy D. up in Heaven pulling strings with the man upstairs whose name is called God. It all adds up to an easy victory for the Saints, 57 (Ricky Jackson's old number) to 2 (Aaron Brooks' old number). CHA-CHING!

My other picks are as follows: the Minnesota Favres will lose to the Dallas Suishams. Tony Romo will get injured but fear not, Cowboys fans, for backup QB Jon Kitna will resurrect his career with a clutch 3 touchdown performance. Or possibly none of this will happen. Who knows? After all, I was wrong about the Cowboys game last week. Tangent: is anyone else really pissed off about the blatant sexism of Dallas' mascot? Why does it have to be a cow 'boy'? Why specify gender anyway? It will just make things that much more awkward for the first woman who signs to play for them.

In the AFC, Shaqdaddy predicts that the Colts will beat the Ravens, thereby denying Ballmer the chance to exact revenge on Indianapolis for stealing its team back in 1984. If I were a Baltimorean, I would really hate Indianapolis after Saturday. It just isn't fair for one city to constantly get the better of another. At least HBO decided at the last minute to relocate The Wire from Indianapolis to Baltimore. Few people know that Stringer Bell was originally intended to be a corn farmer.

The other AFC game will see the NY Jets upset the San Diego Chargers. Ladanlian um LaDanyia umm LoDaneeyus uhh LaDanliest erm LT is old and can't run no more, and Darren Sproles is the NFL equivalent of Muggsy Bogues. Plus I bet the Jets pick off Marmalard at least thrice, with Darrelle Revis returning one for a touchdown. Rex Ryan is prolly the fattest coach in NFL history, and that's gotta count for something.

In other news, y'all heard of that formerly gubernatorial lady up in Alaska named Sarah Palin? The one with all them kids? Man I was watching The O'Reilly Factory the other day and turns out she's now an analyst for FOX News!!! Sheeeeeit, how you luh dat!?!?

They come to town when the war is over

Hey y'all. Y'all heard of this thing called redundancy? It just occurred to me that during the last couple of years over 75% of my posts have started out with me apologizing for not posting often enough. Sheeeit. Well hopefully those days are gone pecans. Anyways, y'all heard of this thing called the NFL? It's a lot like the NBA, only with football. Also, it's a league instead of an association. But it certainly is national. Them fools be starting their playoff on this day. The format is single-elimination, which is stupid if you ask me. Everyone knows that quadruple-elimination is the way to go.

My favorite team is the NOLA Saints, who have a bye this week, so I'm not all that invested in this week's games. For those who want to know Big Aristotle's Picks of the Week, here they are: NY over Cincy, since tigers aren't allowed on planes; Philly over Dallas because Andy Reid is marginally more obese than Wade Phillips; Ballmer over New England because hmmm I guess because Catholic pride or what not; finally, Arizona over Green Bay because what the hell kind of bay is green anyway?, and also Kurt Warner is a god-fearing Christian and we all know Jeebus takes an active interest in the outcome of sporting events. Speaking along those lines, my boy Bron-Bron must've been watching a little bit too much Brit Hume because he keeps on bugging me to convert to Christianity. He says that the first step to improving my free throw percentage is accepting Jesus Christ into my heart. Man fuck that noise I say. I got like one whole foot on that Jesus dude plus ain't no way could he stop my sweet drop step. I am honored to uphold the proud tradition of great Muslamican players in the NBA, such as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Hakeem Olajuwon, Mahmood Abdul-Rauf, and Muhammad Ali.

Twenty Ten

Yo yo what up mon peeps??? Y'all heard of this thing called the 2010?!?!? That's the year what it just turned last week. Sorry I ain't been updating my blog, but shit y'all got to understand I got like 5 or 6 better things to do. It's like when Vahndo said to me, "Now Shaqtus, you know you got your blog updating to do, you gone get dat done, when you gone get dat done?" and I, while frenetically masturbating, replied "EVENTUALLY!". So yeah that's what's up with me these days, what about y'all? Is y'all excited about this here new year that the media been talking about?

New Year's was also close to my boy Bron-Bron's birthday so he celebrated that shit by getting a double-double against the Hawks. I did my part by getting a single-double. I was only 7 assists away from a double-double though. Suddenly I'm hungry for some Wendy's. Now I suddenly want to read Peter Pan, or the Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up. That's what subliminal advertising will do to you. Now I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If I were Peter Pan, I would totally want to grow up because how else you gonna get drafted number #1 by the Orlando Magic? Have I mentioned that before, the fact that I was drafted first overall in 1992?

In other news, today I was watching the Weather Channel and the weatherwoman said "Here's your national forecast for this week, and what an active week it's gonna be, especially in terms of weather."