I'm hung like Saddam

Say y'all heard of this dude called Sadman Hussein??? Them dudes done executed his ass by hanging him from the neck until he died. Man how the Iraqis gonna celebrate Eid al-Adha when they boy Sadam is dead? I think they should have at least let him live a little bit longer so he could have celebrated Eid and that way they could have executed him on New Year's Day. Think about how kewl that would be. They could time the execution perfectly so that as soon as the ball drops, some dude presses a button and then the trap door falls and then Soddam dies right at midnight Jan 1, 2007. Happy 2007 y'all Baathist motherfuckers. Man y'all think Sadamm gonna go to heaven or hell? On the one hand he killed a bunch of people but on the other hand he had a cool moustache. I wonder if South Park will have an episode devoted to this topic. And I wonder if it will be fucking stupid.

Update: My boy Sir Fatty says that Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein. HA HA HA i BET he loses the election because of that.

The true meaning of Christmas

Say y'all heard of this dude named Jesus??? We finnuh celebrate ya boy's birthday in a couple of days. I hope that y'all don't succumb to the crass commercialization rampant in our society these days and forget the true meaning of Christmas.


Baby Jesus doesn't want us to have to go around Cape Horn when shipping goods between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans.

Opera

Say y'all heard of this thing called opera? I decided to finally get some culture in my life so last night I went to the opera for the first time to see Die Fledermaus. I should sue the opera for false advertising. The fledermaus didn't even die! What a ripoff!!!

They have the Internet on computers now?!?!

Yo y'all. Sorry I ain't been updating my blog for a minute or two, but I been busy studying for law school, I mean trying to get healthy enough to play basketball for the Miami Heat. Y'all know how that goes. I done had surgery done on my knee last month and let me tell you, that shit is hard to recover from. Coach Pat won't let me blog while I'm recuperating since he thinks that's how I injured my knee in the first place. That reminds me of how Joel Zumaya injured his throwing arm while playing Guitar Hero.

Anyway, the Heat fucking suck without me. So I better get back to reading civil procedure cases, I mean rehabing my bum knee.

Ramadan-o-rama

Say y'all heard of this month called Ramadan??? Muslamic folk such as myself be celebrating that shit right now. And by "celebrate" I mean "starve ourselves silly for half a day". A lot of my heathensome Christian friends think we is weird for doing such a thing. See, I get offended by the criticism because y'all ignorant heathens don't understand the religious and spiritual significance of this month. It's about more than just the global jihad against belly fat. As a commemoration of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)'s first diet, Ramadan has had a profound spiritual resonance for billions of Muslims throughout the generations. According to the Qu'ran, Muhammad (peace be upon him) lost 15 pounds over the course of that month, enabling him to fit snugly into the size 34 tuxedo he had rented for his impending nuptials to wife number 4 (I forget her name). The wedding was held in Mecca and then the happy couple went to Medina for their honeymoon. If Medina were on the coast, I bet that dude Muhammad (peace be upon him) would have looked mighty hunky in his Speedos. Muhammad (peace be upon him) was way more fit than Jesus or Buddha. Say y'all seen how fat that dude Buddha was? Man why would anyone want him as their Lord and personal trainer?

"I would have done it, too"

Say y'all heard of this dude Reggie Bush??? On ESPN they be saying that him and him family received over $100,000 in free shit from some marketing agents while he was still in college. If that's true, then USC would have to forfeit all their victories and Reggie would have to give back his Heisman Trophy. Man the corruption never ends with the Bush family. I wouldn't be surprised if Presdint George names Jenna to the Supreme Court. Anyway, I remember back in my day boosters never gave illicit benefits to star college athletes. It just simply never happened. So shame on you, Reggie. The most enlightening perspective in all of this was offered by Joe Horn: "I don't think Reggie did that, but if he did, I would have done it, too."

Well anyway I gotta go now and watch CSI:Miami in Brazil because that makes sense just like Boston Legal of Anaheim.

Talkin' bout that nine eleven

What's up peoplefolk??? Y'all heard of this thing named Nine Eleven??? Man today is the 5th anniversary of that shit. I wonder what Presdint George will give Osama in honor of this occasion. I heard someone say that the 5th anniversary is considered the "wood anniversary" but I don't think that will work since ain't no bombs made out of wood. Maybe back in them olden days wooden bombs sufficed, but these days we got cool shit like napalm and depleted uranium and freedom. I just hope that Osama doesn't get confused and think that the 5th anniversary is the "anthrax anniversary". Anthrax is bullshit.

My wandering days are over

Yo y'all, Shaq Diesel back up in this!!! Sorry about the long hiatus, but the gubmint wouldn't let me blog during the month of August on account of the heightened terror alert. They stopped allowing liquids on the internet, and my blog is like 70 percent liquid or some shit like that. Sheeeit.

Well anyways, as part of my deal with the gubmint I gotta make some major changes to my blog. First of all, I can't put any hardcore gay porn on here anymore, so I'm just gonna start linking to it. Also, I am now required to have and editor so as to alleviate this blogs chronic problems with bad speling and grammer. From now on I think that dude Ronald Dumbsfeld and his friend Alberto Gonzales will be monitoring my blog, so Osama you may want to stop leaving comments, or at least use a pseudonym or something. May I suggest an anagram like "Neon Islamabad" or "Omasa lin Baden"?

Y'all might be wondering what all has been going on with Big Aristotle in these past 2 months. I'll go into detail about all that later, but for now let me just say that I have been overcome by this strange feeling...it's almost as though I've been traded to the Bulls or something.

My Bad

Bonjour y'all...man y'all can just disregard my last post. Turns out that whole Zidane/Materazzi nonsense was all bullshit. Here's what really happened.


Did I do that?

The Blues are still blue

Awww sheeznart y'all seen what had happened in the Copa Mundial final??? HA HA that dude Zidane laid the smack down! Headbutts are kewl. Normally I wouldn't advocate violence on the playing field (Jerry Stackhouse, I'm looking in your direction), but shit Italy played without any honor whatsoever. They were constantly fouling and diving and the refs were allowing it. It's teams like Italy that give soccer a bad name: football. That asshole Materazzi even gave Zidane a Texas Titty Twister right before the head butting incident! Now tell me how a dude from Italy gonna learn such a technique? I think Presdint George secretly taught it to him as part of a conspiracy to make sure that France didn't win the Word Cup. Can't have the World Cup go to a team with a bunch of Moozlims on it.

Lots of people been wondering exactly what Materazzi said to Zidane to provoke him like that. I don't think we'll ever know. Zidane obviously operates on a higher plane of being, something akin to aliens or biblical Nephilim. We mere humans, with our hasty judgment and feeble red cards, can't even begin to understand the ultimate meaning of the headbutt. Word on the street is that Materazzi probably made a racist comment or directed a barb at Zidane's mom. My best guess is that it went down like this...


Hey Zidane, why does Algeria always do so poorly in the World Cup???


Because everytime they get a corner, they open up a cab stand!!! AH HA HA HA XD XD XD P3WND!!!11ELEVEN!!1!


Real mature, Marco...


What, you don't like that? I got more...


Yo momma so fat, she use a hot air balloon as a parachute!!!


Yeah, well yo momma so fat, she don't just go back for seconds, she go back for hours!!!!


OH SNAP!!!


HA HA YEAH LOLZ!!!!


Well, yo momma so stupid she think the multiplication table is something you get at IKEA!


Yo momma so stupid, the cops told her to freeze so she got on a plane to Antarctica!!!


MON DIEU!!!!


Yo momma so cheap, the only reason she immigrated to France is cuz she heard it was a free country!


Whatev. Yo momma so cheap, for breakfast y'all had to eat Discount Chocula!!!!


ZUT ALORS!!!!!!!!!

YO MOMMA GIVE SO MANY BLOWJOBS, SHE SINGLEHANDEDLY GOT FRANCE OUT OF THE RECESSION!!!!

OH NO YOU DI'INT!!!

Palestine Blues Julio

Say y'all heard of this place called the Middle East?

Valentin Blues Ivanov

Shit y'all heard of this thing called the World Cup? Man so many people is watching that shit that no one even cared about us winning the NBA Championship. Since the finals is over I've finally had the time to start watching the games but man I gotta tell y'all, them referees need to learn themselves how to refer. All the games I saw had pathetic officiating, especially the Netherlands-Portugal game. Netherlands deserved to lose for not playing Rude van Nistelrooy, but stil that Russian referee Valentin Ivanov was poo. That dude Figo head-butted that other dude and didn't even get a red card. And then, as if to justify it, Luiz Felipe Scolari so usefully pointed out "Jesus Christ said he would turn the other cheek but Figo is not Jesus Christ". Man there's no need to bring Jesus Christ into all this. But I wonder if Mr. Christ were alive today, what country would he play for? Israel I guess, but maybe with all that Roman Empire shit, he could play for Italy? Italy could have used his ass today, the only reason they won was because of fecal officiating. Or maybe Jesus would immigrate to the U.S. and play for our national team? He's probably better than Landon Donovan anyway. Another interesting question is what club team would Jesus play for? PSV Eindhoven or Anderlecht, I bet. Any team with him on it would automatically be the favorite to win the Champions League. Jesus is the Michael Jordan of soccer.

THE DEVIL IS A MOTHERFUCKING LIAR!!!!

Sorry I ain't been updating this here blog lately, but y'all got to understand, I just been too busy WINNING A MOTHERFUCKING NBA CHAMPIONSHIP!!! HA HA IN YOUR FACE KOBE!!! XDXDXDXDXD!!! Man we came back with four wins in a row after we were down 0-2. WHAT'S THE MATTER DALLAS?? IN YOUR FACE JERRY STACKHOUSE!!! Serves the Mavericks right for having a Cuban owner. We got a bunch of Cubans live in Miami and man they are annoying.

URSPRACHE YOU ALL!!!!!

Awwwww shit y'all heard about how my Miami Heat is going to represent the East in the NBA Finals???? AWWWW JEEEEAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Man I told y'all we could do it! Can't no one stop me and my boy Dwyane. The Championship is ours I tell you hwat. Dallas ain't shit. Who they got on that team anyway??? The only halfway decent player they got is Dirk Nowhiskey, or as I like to call him, Jerk Nowhiskey... OH!!! HA HA HA BOOYAH ROTFLMAO XD XD XD XD!!! Man that dude is from Germany anyway and we all know that Germany ain't won anything for a minute. Hasn't y'all heard of all them world wars that the Germans lost? TREATY OF VERSAILLES BITCHES!!!!!!!!

Plus they got a coach named Ovary Johnson. HOW YOU GOAN WIN THE NBA FINALS WHEN YOUR COACH HAS AN OXYMORONIC NAME??? And also, what the hell is a Maverick??? And why the hell does y'all got a horse on your logo??? What the fuck do horses have to do with basketball? Shit man, this ain't no Kentucky Derby. This ain't even no Kentucky. At least we got a flaming basketball on our logo, which is relevant to basketball because basketballs are the balls used when playing basketball. And also Miami is home to a vibrant and active homosexual community.

A Quick Joke

Man I'm sorry that I ain't been updating my blog on a regular basis lately, but come on people, y'all gotta understand that I'm really busy with work right now. I mean, the Eastern Conference Finals started the other day, so THIS SHIT IS ON!!! THE MAIMI HEAT AIN'T GONNA CENTER THEMSELVES! Plus Coach Pat isn't as permissive with regard to blogging as Coach Stan used to be. He blames my poor free throw shooting percentage on the onset of blogging induced carpal tunnel syndrome. But shit, everyone knows that I've been sucking at shooting three frows since way before the Internet was invented. Back then we didn't even have calculators or abacuses so we had to count on our hands... but in those days people only had 8 fingers, so we had to use base 8. And Aaron Burr's face was on the $8 bill.

OK, so anyway... I almost forgot the purpose of this post... IT'S STUPID JOKE TIME!!!! Based on an actual exchange betwixt me and my boy Dwyane:

SHAQDADDY: In which Italian city were palindromes invented?

DWYANE WADE: Was it Milan?

SHAQDADDY: No, Rome. Moron!

COACH PAT RILEY: If you two fucking idiots don't get back to practice, I swear we're going to lose Game 2 by four points.

The Internet

Y'all heard of this thing called the Internet?

WEDDINGS YOU ALL!!!

Say man y'all heard of these things called weddings?!?!?! That's when two people cleave together and become one flesh or something, kinda like Siamese twins I guess. Shit, I went to one of them things the other day up in my old stomping grounds, Baton Rouge. I tell you I run that town... in fact, the church where the wedding was held was renamed after me. It used to be called St. God's Church of the Jesuses or some boring shit like that, but they renamed it St. Shaq's Church of the Holy Crunch. Can you dig it!?!?!? The cool thing was that all the bridesmaids was wearing my #32 Miami Heat home jerseys and the groomsmen were wearing the away ones. Then after the ceremony they played some full court 5-on-5 cuz y'all know any church that's named after me is gonna come fully loaded with all the amenities one would need for some basketball related program activities. The backboard was made out of stained glass. Instead of cheerleaders, they had a choir. Instead of furry anthropomorphic mascots, they had Jesus. And instead of a shot clock, they had the Bible. Bill Walton even did the play-by-play. The bridesmaids wound up winning but it was bullshit since their high heels gave them an unfair height advantage.

The ceremony was beautiful and all, but there were certain times when I felt weirded out. Like there was this one time when the priest started talking shit about God, saying he was omnipotent or something. I don't see how God's sex life is a proper topic of conversation at a wedding, but there are pills you can take for that anyway. A church is no place for that shit, shit. And then of course there was the fiasco with the bridal bouquet. Immediately after the bride threw the bouquet, Dikembe Mutombo came out of nowhere and swatted that thing all the way back to the tables lining the perimeter of the dance floor. Then he started taunting the bride and wagging his index finger in her face. It was kind of rude, I suppose, but he had a valid point. Seriously, I know members of the Phoenix Suns who wouldn't have fallen for her weak-ass double pump. And then she didn't even follow through on the release. Plus she didn't put nearly enough leg into the throw, but that was possibly attributable to her being tired after all that dancing. Anyway the bouquet wound up landing in some old lady's soup. Not sure what that portends.


THIS IS MY HOUSE!!! Y'ALL GOT TO GO!!!

Yo momma armpits so hairy, it look like she got Luke Schenscher in a headlock

Man y'all heard of this dude called the NBA Playoffs? AWWWW JEEEAAAHHHH it's that time of the year again! Last year's playoffs was a big disappointment on account of me and ma boy Dwyane getting injured simulatamously. We wound up losing to the Detroit Pisstons in the Eastern Conference Finals. But I swear, this year I'ma take my Heat all the way to the NBA Finals. Unlike last year, we got a deep bench with the likes of Molonzo Warning, Antwone Fisher, and Jason Gilliams. I mean shit, who in the East is gonna stop us??? Seecely, can't nobody in the East stop us, not even King James and his Bible-thumpin' do-goodin' Drew Goodens. The Nets ended the season hot but I ain't afraid of Vince Crater or his bulemic dog. The Pacers do have that rookie what went to Grace King, but urrybody knows that EJ's quiz bowl team beat the shit out of them. The Wizards have been poo ever since Quammy Brown left. I guess I would be scared of meeting the Pistons again this year, but I honestly don't think they'll make it past their first round opponent, the Iraqi Bucks. I predict they go down in seven. Them road games in Baghdad is what's gonna do them in. The Knicks ain't even in the playoffs, so I ain't worried about them. So that brings us to our first round "opponent" (I prefer the term "sacrificial offering"), the Chicago Bulls. MAN FUCK THE CHICAGO BULLS!!! I ain't about to get scared playing a team from Chicago, a city that was named after what might quite possibly be the worst university in the country. Plus, they got a bunch of goofy mofos on they team. That dude Luke Schenscher looks like Napoleon Dynamite. He should just stick to tetherball and feeding llamas.


Can you spot the difference?

HAPPY URF DAY YOU ALL!!!

Man y'all heard about this planet known as Earth? That's the planet where we all be living at. I tell you without Earth we would all be screwed cuz we wouldn't even have no place else to go. There'd be no NBA and I'd be out of a job, probably living in a cardboard box somewhere in the Kuiper Belt or Pluto or some shit. So anyways, today is the day when we all show our appreciation for the Earth by giving it its own day. But shit, just one day? We give secretaries and boxing one day too, and they certainly ain't as important as Urf. Emergency Preparedness gets its own week. Even Jesus gets 12 whole days of Christmas (even though he has to share it with Santa). Black History gets an entire month! Man I hope Earth doesn't get pissed at our lack of gratitude and kick us all out, cuz if we had to move the NBA to the moon that would be bad. The gravity there is so low that my height advantage would be rendered useless.


One giant leap for white people.

To me it look like a leprechaun to me

Man y’all heard of this dude Tom de Lay? That fool just announced that he ain't gonna be seeking reelection to the House, so his political career finnuh be over right quick. I'm glad cuz I don't trust them folk what have French sounding names. They ain't like us. Get a normal name like Shaquille, dammit! The funny (sad) thing is that he still sent out a request for campaign contributions even after he made the decision not to seek reelection. Of course now he can just transfer all that unused money to his Legal Defense Fund. I hope his lying French ass goes to jail for a minute. Or two.

But shit, y'all heard of this leprechaun they got down there in Abalama? Apparently in Mobile there have been numerous sightings of a leprechaun who lives in a tree. Luckily, one of the people who sighted the leprechaun had the photographic memory, artistic acumen, and presence of mind required to produce an exhaustively detailed drawing of it. I saw that shit on the news and immediately noticed that the leprechaun bore an uncanny resemblance to Tom de Lay. I doubt that it's a coincidence. Come to think of it, "le prechaun" sounds a bit French, doesn't it? Damn, Tom de Lay, what is your problem? Living in a tree and scaring little kids like that. I hope you and all your prechaun friends go back to France where that kind of thing isn't frowned at. At the very least the House Ethics Committee (does that thing still exist?) should admonish you. I don't want my Congresspeoples living in a tree and terrorizing locals, especially when the tree in question isn't even in their district.



Could be a crackhead.

Ho dee oten doten day, fattening up our tapeworms

Shit y'all, I'm sorry I ain't bin posting lately but after seeing LSU play the worst game in school history I just haven't been feeling up to it. Damn Baby Shaq, why you had to go and get your ass kicked by some Hollywood liberals from UCLA? Where your tapeworms was at!?!?!?!?! Man all that talk about how hungry their tapeworms was had me feeling all confident and what not. Just look at this picture of Baby Shaq celebrating after the Texas game... check out that huge-ass tapeworm! I thought it was really nice of him to hold up a segment of his tapeworm in his left hand so it could feel like part of the celebration. That's what teamwork is all about. I figured we couldn't lose against UCLA.


Baby Shaq with one tapeworm in his hand, the other in his stomach.

However, from the very start of the UCLA game I noticed something had gone horribly wrong. Baby Shaq seemed out of breath and lethargic the whole game. It was as if the tapeworms in his belly weren't hungry... worse yet, it seemed as though there weren't any tapeworms in his belly at all. I kept on rubbing my eyes just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. Could it be? The biggest game of the entire season, and nary a Tiger with tapeworms to be found on the court??? Sure enough, this picture confirmed my suspicions.


NO TAPEWORMS! :(

Big Baby must have eaten one too many basketballs in the days leading up to the UCLA game. As I'm sure you all know, tapeworms hate the taste of basketballs. His tapeworms must have grown tired of his non-tapeworm friendly diet and jumped ship, leaving him tragically tapeworm-less for the big game. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming Baby Shaq. Coach John Brady should be fired and replaced with someone who has a better knowledge of tapeworms. It's purely up to the coach to teach his team about tapeworm maintenance. It also wouldn't have killed Brady to concentrate more on recruiting some tapeworms. HOW YOU GOAN WIN THE NCAA DIVISION I BASKETBALL CHAMPIONSHIP WITHOUT A BELLY FULL OF HUNGRY TAPEWORMS?!?!?! Don't you know anything about basketball? Back in my day Coach Brown made everyone eat shit so we would get tapeworms. We were the only team in the SEC whose starting 5 all had tapeworms, plus we had a tapeworm or two on scholarship. Of course they banned performance enhancing tapeworms in the NBA, or else I'd still be on that shit.

ELLIS SHOE BAYBEE!!!

Oh man y’all heard of this thing known as the March Madness?? TIGERS BAYBEE!!! AWWW JEEEEAAAHHH FINAL FOUR CAN YOU DIG IT!>!>!>!>!>! Man that shit is crazy. I am so happy for my alma mater, especially since we never did that well in the NCAA tourney when I was on the team. I remember when I was playing for LSShoe we had a lot of talent but of course we never came close to making the Final Four on account we had a tareist on our team by the name of Mahmoud Abdul-Roaf (his brother Willie Abdul-Roaf infilitrated the ranks of professional sports as an offensive lineman for the New Orleans Saints). Man that dude was a Muslamicist who never stood for the National Anthem, which is like one of the best Radiohead songs ever. I bet that fool wouldn't even stand for Lewis, Mistreated. HOW YOU GOAN REACH THE FINAL FOUR WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN JESUS??!?!?

But anyway, I hope y’all’s brackets is going better than mine. I had Bucknell, Hofstra, Winthrop, and LSU in the Final Four. No one bothered to tell me that Hofstra didn’t even make the tournament. So I'm only one for four. But man yall seen how this year LSU got that dude Baby Shaq on their team? I don't remember having any illegimitate childern who are that old, but whatever, I'll take it. That dude can ball. I think whatever happens in the Final Four, he should declare for the NBA draft next year. Just watch yall, next year we'll be the best father/son combination in the NBA since Rasheed and Ben Wallace. Aww skeet skeet gosh darn.



I may have to disown you for this...

Pennyroyal Tea

Say y'all heard of South Dakota banning pretty much all abortions? The South is backwards, yo. They ain't even gonna allow aboritons in the case of rape or incest. You gotta feel for all the South Dakotanese women. It makes you wonder who could be behind the passage of such a stupid bill. I suspect that this is all just a ploy to prop up the struggling coat hanger industry. For whatever reason, coat hanger use has declined ever since the early 1970s. Ad execs in the coat hanger industry have always been desperate to find new and creative uses for coat hangers, and this bill is sure to facilitate just that. Now that the South Dakota state legislature has become the first to succumb to the lobbying efforts of Big Hanger, who do y'all think will be next? I'm just glad that I don't play ball in South Dakota. Aww skeet skeet god damn.

Brokeshaq Mountain

Oh shit y'all heard of the Oscars??? Man the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences be handing out some awards tonight! The AMPAS is giving mad love to gayness this year. Brokeback Mountain leads all films with 8 nominations, which is obvious proof that teh Homosexual Lobby has taken over Hollywood and is now shoving its perverted agenda down our throats. Ten years ago Brokeback Mountain wouldn't have even been made, much less nominated for any Oscars. I guess I can take some credit for Brokeback Mountain's success, since Hollywood's advancement of the gay liberal agenda basically started with my stirring portrayal of a homosexual genie in Kazaam. How come I didn't get nominated for an Oscar after that? Make a movie about gay cowboys and you get all this critical acclaim, but make a movie about gay genies and suddenly your teammates refuse to shower with you???

That shit pretty much destroyed my movie career. None of the major Hollywood studios were brave enough to touch Kazaam 2 and to this day they still don't return my calls. My royalty checks from Kazaam have tapered off completely so now I have no way of supplementing my meager NBA salary. My financial situation is getting pretty dire. Sure, I have a lot of endorsement deals, but I get paid in Icy Hot sleeves and Nestle's Crunch and the last time I tried to pay my mortgage with chocolate my bank foreclosed on my broke ass. Hopefully Hollywood's burgeoning Gay Age will lead to a revival of interest in Kazaam and my royalty checks will increase accordingly. I figure I may as well profit off the revolution that I helped create. So if y'all liberal Hollywood bigwigs are reading this blog, I got an idea for the sequel to Brokeback Mountain. It's a tender love story about gay NBA players. Please cast me.


Shaq gotta eat too!!!

I <3 Sasha Cohen!!!

Oh man y'all heard of the 2006 Winter Olympics in Taurino??? I didn't even know it was winter in Italy. But shit, did y'all see them ladies skating their figures all over the ice rink? Man I tell you Alexandra Cohen has got it going on! I didn't even know she was such a good skater; I primarily remembered her as the girl who taught Prednint George how to use a cell phone at the 2002 winter games in Salt Lake City.


Still struggling with normal phones...

I also remember Sasha from her work with the National Cattlemen's Beef Association. She used to be the NCBA's spokesteen as part of its campaign to brainwash/convince teenage girls to eat more beef.


"Beef is part of my routine"~ Sasha Cohen

Sasha is definitely one of those girls you look at and immediately think "GODDAMN she must eat plenty of beef!". Eating beef is the only thing you really need to do in order to become a beautiful Olympic figure skater. I will pass along this wisdom to little Shaquilla since she so looks up to Sasha.


Sasha preparing some sort of pureed beef dish

It's too bad Sasha lost the gold medal to Shizuka Arakawa. Rigged!!! Now instead of the Olympics being a "boon to beef" it'll be a boon to sushi or some other unpatriotic liberal meat product. I say the media was just very desirous of seeing a Japanese figure skater do well in the Olympics so that their claims that Japaneses are being denied opportunity can be validated. Thus the contemptible identity politics so routinely embraced by liberals rears its ugly head and ruins yet another sporting event. This is worse than the time they wouldn’t let the Miami Heat participate in the Special Olympics.

Cheney's got a gun

There's a slight difference.

Shit y'all!!! Man y'all heard how Dick Cheney shot that old white dude right in the face!?!?!?!?! On the news they said that he was hunting quayles, and I guess he started getting mad thinking about how Quayle was a better vice president than him so he had to find a creative way to take out his frustration. Man I knew that Cheney was gangsta, but this is some Aaron Burr type shit! DICK CHENEY DON'T PLAY NO GAMES!!! The scary part is that this isn't even his first time exhibiting homicidal tendencies whilst hunting. I found some disturbing pictures of him hunting in Georgia. Check it out!


Everything was going fine until a group of terrorists came along...

FIRST POST OF 2006!!!

Sup fooze? I'm finally back from my month-long vacation! Fuck January! Holla!!!!

Man y’all heard of the Earth making one complete revolution around the sun? I was over in the NOLA when that shit went down. It was all kinds of foggy up in New Orleans. Foggy like a bottom. Then they was going to serve up this huge pot of gumbo for the crowd, but it was so foggy that the chef accidentally dropped it. Man shoe. Fuckin' post-Katrina nonsense. But shit, if y'all ain't been down there since Katrina, you should go. It was way worse than the Liberal Media makes it out to be. Parts of the city look like the hurricane happened yesterday. Plus they ain't got no traffic lights anymore. Thankfully we got a resourceful and ingenious-type gubmint up in DC that gave Halliburton a $30 million no-bid contract to add punctuation and emoticons to all municipal stop signs. Who needs traffic lights when you got these:


Halliburton is teh kewl ;P


I <3 Halliburton!!1!!! :>)


Better than improved levees

CHOCOLATE CITY ON THE REBOUND!!! I just hope the chocolate that Mayor Nagin was talking about is Nestle's Crunch. Almond Joy is racist.