If I were a short black kid*

I am not a short black kid. I am a 7'2", 350 pound, middle-aged former NBA center and current actor/rapper extraordinare. So life was easier for me. But that doesn't mean that averaging 2.3 blocks per game over a 19 year NBA career and having a debut album that goes platinum are impossible goals for those short kids from the inner city. It takes brains. It takes hard work. It takes a little luck. And a little help from others. And technology. And littering your inane Forbes op-ed with sentence fragments. Especially sentence fragments. Because people who are incapable of writing a sentence with more than one clause are precisely the type of people who should be dispensing life advice to kids.

If I were a short black kid I would use all the technology at my disposal to become taller. When I was in 9th grade, I was barely over five feet tall. Can you imagine me becoming a Hall of Fame caliber NBA center if I had stopped growing at age 14? Well, luckily I took the advice of my guidance counselor (a learned white man, by the way) and decided it would be good for my future basketball career if I grew a couple of feet. By feet, I mean the unit of measurement, not the body part. I already had two of the body part. Like my parents before me, I was born with them. Anyway, with lots of hard work and dedication, and of course an assist from study websites such as TED and the Khan Academy, I eventually grew to 7'2". And thanks to the free online calculators my guidance counselor informed me of, I can also tell you that 7'2" is 218.4 centimeters. I used Skype to practice with other students from my school who also wanted to get better at basketball. When possible, my family and I got our food and shelter for free from Project Gutenberg. I "became expert" at Google Scholar and my drop step improved dramatically.

If I were a short black kid I would get technical. But not technical fouls. Coach would bench me for those. I would learn software. I figure most kids who want decent jobs just go to the decent job fair or whatever and the Wizard of Decent Jobs is all like "Do you know software?" and then the kid goes "Yes sir, I learned software on the intertubes." Then the Wizard would ask "What about homework tools? How familiar are you with those?" to which the kid would reply "Very, sir, very. I go to my public library everyday and watch relevant teachings on the interweb." Then of course the Wizard would give the kid a decent job because that's just how easy it is.

When I look at all the short black high school kids throughout our nation's inner cities, my heart aches. It saddens me to see an entire generation of black youth sitting idly by while their peers in Europe and China, the future Dirk Nowitskis and Yao Mings of the world, are growing taller by the day. If only they had my tenacious work ethic and nonstop dedication to becoming a better, taller person. Technology can help these kids. But only if the kids want to be helped. Yes, there is much inequality. But the opportunity is still there in the NBA for those that are tall enough to go for it.

*c.f.

I have an impressive history of mentoring at-risk youth.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Aww man y'all heard of this thing called hockey??? That's this sport that people from Canada and Russia like playing. Being American, I'm not too sure about the rules, but from what I've observed it's basically a cross between figure skating and boxing. There also seems to be a racist subtext to the whole thing, after all it's essentially a bunch of violent white dudes chasing around a black object with sticks. So that prevented me from becoming a fan until I found out that there's this black dude named Wayne Simmonds who actually plays in the NHL! I don't understand why any black person would want to play hockey in the first place, but I still have to give props to Wayne Simmonds for defying the bigoted Gym Crow laws that have plagued the NHL for its entire existence. He is to hockey what Jackie Robinson was to baseball, what Flip Wilson was to cross-dressing, and what the DC Sniper was to serial-killing.

Now that the NBA doesn't exist anymore and all the best basketball players have moved to Turkey and Italy, I figured it would be a good time to cultivate an appreciation for some other sport and decided that hockey was as good an option as any other. And what better way to become a hockey fan than to plant myself in my La-Z-Boy and enjoy the NON-STOP ACTION AND HEART-STOPPING SPECTACLE THAT IS THE NHL PRESEASON?!?!?!?! My boy Wayne was doing really well, scoring in the 3rd period to tie the game up and send it into overtime (sidenote: I was really confused by this, but I guess NHL policy is to skip the 4th period in preseason games? Maybe the NBA should look into this. It would keep players fresh for the rigors of the 3 month long postseason). Anyway, no one scored in overtime so the game then went to a shootout. My boy Wyane (I will spell it that way from now on as an homage to my other boy Dwyane Wade) set up to take the first shot when, and y'all will not believe this, A MOTHERFUCKING BANANA was thrown at him from the stands! Yes y'all, in 2011, in Canada of all places, some idiot racist sports fan (Chris Moorhouse is his name according to police... the name is sort of ironic, isn't it?) threw a banana at a black hockey player. WTF? Oh, and before someone says something about how it's not necessarily racist and that maybe Moorhouse was just trying to ensure that Simmonds' potassium level was adequate so that he'd make the shot or conversely that he wanted Simmonds to miss the shot by slipping on the banana peel, let me remind y'all that, according to the 2011 NAACP Racist Fruit Index, the banana is the third most racist fruit, trailing only the watermelon and the unfortunately named negroberry. So there.

Of course I can't bring up Wyane Simmonds without also mentioning what he did a few days later, when he called renowned metrosexual and gay-rights activist Sean Avery a "fucking faggot". Avery is also a notorious asshole, even by hockey standards, so it may be difficult to feel sorry for him, but Simmonds was targeting Avery not for his assholeness but for the fact that he doesn't exactly conform to the narrow ideal of masculinity expected of NHL players. There are much better ways to retaliate against assholery than to resort to using hateful Kobeisms. Simmonds should have known better. And anyway, so what if Sean Avery were gay? I think that would be cool. He would be what John Amaechi was to the NBA, what Rob Halford was to heavy metal, and what Marcus Bachmann may one day be to presidential spouses.

Harry Potter is kewl

Oh man y'all heard of this dude named Henry Potter? He's the most powerful wizard since Gilbert Arenas. I love everything about the Harry Potter series. Me and Big Baby even dressed up as Fred and George Weasley last Halloween (this Halloween I am leaning towards being Fleur Delacour because I want to wear one of those funny Beauxbatons hats). I know all about magic, having played for the Orlando Magic early in my career, plus I used to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix Suns, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert on all things Harry Potter. I even reviewed one of the books right here on this very blog a few years ago. Unfortunately, since then I've been remiss in my duty to provide my loyal readership with the Harry Potter reviews they crave so much. The last movie just came out last month and I figured I owed it to y'all to review it, so here goes:

First, a bit of background for those unfortunate souls who haven't yet ventured into the Potterverse. Henry Potter is a wizard with magicful powers who lives on a fictional isle called Britain and goes to this wizarding school known as Hogwarts. Hogwarts is basically the Oxford of wizarding schools. To put that in terms my American readers can understand, Oxford is the Harvard of Britain. For my New Orleanian readers, Harvard is the Tulane of Boston, Boston being the New Orleans of Massachusetts. So anyways, this dude Harry, he's got a tattoo on his forehead which is how everyone knows he's a total badass. When his parents fount out about the tattoo they died of disappointment, leaving Henry in the care of his aunt and uncle. His aunt and uncle were fraggles, which means that they didn't have magicful powers so they neglected him and made him live in the cupboard. The cupboard is where I keep my Nestle's Crunch and other delicious snacks so you can imagine that it isn't the best place to raise a child. Eventually the Ministry of Child and Family Services caught up with Harry's aunt and uncle and took Harry away to live at Hogwarts. There he wore a hat that told him to go to Gryffindor so to Gryffindor he went. And then he met his bestie Ron and this girl dork Hermione. Oh also there's this other dude named Lord Voldemort who doesn't even have a nose, and as we all know not having a nose symbolizes evil in the same way forehead tattoos symbolize awesomeness and eyeglasses symbolize bad eyesight. So Voldemort and Henry don't get along too well, I forget why. It's not really important I don't think. So that pretty much catches you up on all the events leading up the latest and lastest movie, which is called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I know that "hallow" is a traditional British greeting, but I don't know what a "deathly hallow" is. But I guess it's British or something, and they speak a different language down there anyway. Everyone in the book is British which I didn't even realize at first, so I had to go and reread all of them and redo the dialog with a British accent. So go do that if you read it wrong the first time like I did. The movies are cool because the actors do the British accent for you.

So anyways, about the movie... It starts out really sad because Dumbledore leaves Hogwarts to enter the exciting world of competitive bearding. In his absence Harry's nemesis Lord Waldemart takes over the Ministry of Magic and wreaks havoc on the Diagon Alley economy, forcing mom-and-pop shops such as Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes out of business. To make matters worse, rumors of insolvency lead to a run on Gringotts, which as the only bank in the wizarding world was thought to be "too big to fail". Unfortunately, this proves to be incorrect and the entire wizarding world is thrown into a severe recession. Waldemart uses the recession as an pretext to institute sweeping austerity measures. Deep cuts to MagiCare lead to St. Mungo's being effectively shut down. Hundreds of owls are laid off from the post office. Much needed improvements to the outdated Hogwarts Express are rejected in favor of renovations to Malfoy Manor. Millions of pounds of taxpayer money are siphoned off to Waldemart's corporate donors in Knockturn Alley while Hogsmeade lies crumbling and blighted. Digusted by Waldemart's incompetent and corrupt leadership and distraught at Britain's bleak prospects, the students of Hogwarts finally decide that they have had enough and begin to riot. From Tottenham to Hogsmeade, Harry and his friends burn and loot with an untamed ferocity not seen in generations. Things reach a climax at the Battle of Hogwarts, where Harry defeats Voldemort once and for all. The Labour Party is put back in power and wizards and muggles alike live happily ever after. The end. Oh, and there was some subplot with these things called horcruxes or whatever, but I couldn't really follow it. I don't think it was important anyway.

The movie was pretty cool I guess. I would have liked it a lot better if I was in it. I actually landed the role of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor because the producer was so impressed by my performance in Kazaam. J.K. Rowling herself admitted that Kazaam was the inspiration for the entire Harry Potter series. Unfortunately my scenes were cut from the final version due to time constraints. Their loss. But you lucky readers get a Heatblog exclusive! Here are some pics of me on set:


Panic on the streets of London/ Panic in the cells of Azkaban/
I wonder to myself/ could life ever be sane again?/
the Hogsmeade streets that you slip down...
Burn down the Burrow/ Hang the blessed Weasleys
 


Harry Potter and the S'mores of AzKazaam

Debt offensive

I don't know if y'all heard but apparently there's gonna be an economic apocalypse if them folks in DC don't get their shit together right quick. I haven't been following the debt ceiling debate that closely since most of my attention has been focused on the NBA lockout. I guess Stern David just couldn't deal with the thought of an NBA without Shaq Daddy so he decided to shut the whole thing down. Sorry, America. But at least y'all still got y'all's NFL to look forward to.

The possibility of a global depression coupled with the reality of an NBA lockout has forced some players to entertain offers to play overseas. My boy D-Will, who is basically the Shaq-Fu of point guards, has even signed a contract to play in some country called Turkey. Like for real y'all, there's really a country named Turkey, I'm not even playing. I looked that shit up on National Geographic and it's legit. And before being named after food they were named after furniture. I've tried playing overseas before but it's confusing because they drive on the wrong side of the lane. Plus after you convert my stats to Euros my free throw percentage is even worse. Like I'm talking negative. The other team got a point every time they fouled me. True story.

But anyway, to go back to the initial topic of this post, which was the debt ceiling debate... I don't really understand economics but I think the debt sealing is something that the gubmint does when it wants to sear the economy so as to seal in all the debty juices. People in the meejya been saying that Congress not raising the debt sealing might lead to a global depression. But I think that's a bit alarmist, don't you? It seems that the lamestream media is conjuring up the specter of a coming economic eucalyptus just to scare the Tea Party into accepting tax increases. If we close loopholes that give corporations tax breaks on their private jets, then I fear the entire corporate jet industry will collapse. Millions of people might be laid off according to my back-of-the-envelope calculations (keep in mind that I am a basketball player and rapper by trade so math is not my strong suit. Also, I'm kinda just dumb in general. Just flat-out dumb). I'm talking about air traffic controllers, pilots, baggage handlers, flight attendants, mom-and-pop jet manufacturers such as Boeing, etc. Plus, if we shut the corporate jet tax loophole down, where would Leonardo DiCaprio go to do his whole inception thing?

Do you want to live in a world where Leonardo DiCaprio and his team of dream trespassers don't have a venue where they can ply their trade? They're job creators, goddamnit, and if you take away tax loopholes they'll just outsource to China or wherever and then the Chinese will have the privilege of sitting through a barely intelligible two and a half hour movie where the big payoff is that some dude is convinced to break up his father's company into smaller subsidiaries when the same thing could've easily been accomplished by just talking to the dude. Here's some Inception fan fiction:

DOM: Hey Fischer, your dad just died and you're inheriting his company. What're you gonna do now?
FISCHER: I dunno.
DOM: How about you split the business up into smaller pieces? But don't take my word for it, listen to these two dudes who are world renowned experts.
EAMES: Breaking up your father's empire makes perfect business sense. Profits will go up eleventy jillion percent. I went to business school and have an MBA in business.
SAITO: I agree with Eames and Dom. Furthermore, I am totally impartial.
FISCHER: Well, that settles it. Great talking to you in person, in the real world. It sure is nice to base my decisions on shit that happens in the real world and not be one of those fucking idiots who wakes up after a vivid dream and takes the weird shit that happened in the dream seriously.
DOM: Yes, it sure is.
SAITO: I like talking to people in the real world, because when you talk to people in the real world you usually don't run the risk of dying or being trapped forever in some vague, woefully under-explained limbo.
DOM: Boy, this sure was a productive conversation.
FISCHER: And easy too!
DOM: I want to make sure this is what you really want to do. This is a big decision, are you absolutely sure you want to go ahead with it?
FISCHER: Whatevs. I hate business and I hated my dad. I really don't give a fuck because I'm rich forever.
EAMES: Great! What do y'all want to do now that we've got all this free time?
FISCHER: You want to take my corporate jet to L.A.? I hear there's stuff to do in L.A.
DOM: We can go to Grauman's Chinese Theater and see how our hands measure up vis-a-vis Clint Eastwood's!
SAITO: I want to go to Universal Studios!
EAMES: I want to see the Hollywood sign!
FISCHER: I want to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to stimulate their local economy! I hear they're in a really tough recession right now and every little bit helps.
SAITO: Wait guys, isn't all this gonna be too expensive due to Obama's Marxist economic policies?
FISCHER: You're right. Oh well. I'm just gonna stay inside all day and play Hearts on my computer. That Pauline is such a bitch.
I forgot to mention, spoiler alert. I can't wait for Inception 2, in which Dom and the gang venture into Fischer's subconscious to convince him of the merits of using foreign subsidiaries to finance the sale of products overseas, thus deferring U.S. taxes on income earned abroad. It'll save the company hundreds of millions! That movie would probably gross hundreds of millions too.
 

 
This is a metaphor for our plummeting economy.















This is a metaphor for the debt ceiling debate

Marriage is gay

Oh man y'all heard of this state called NEW YORK?? Their governor is such a Cuomo that he just signed a bill making gay marriage legal. It's a remarkable development, one that will most likely lead to further gains in the battle for gay civil rights. Predictably, many conservatives around the country are complaining about it, claiming that by acquiescing to the immoral Homo-sexual Lobby, America has doomed itself to a swift and inevitable collapse. 

Conservatives are always silly and usually evil, so it may be difficult to take anything they say seriously, but they may actually have a point here. After all, Al Qaeda attacked the Twin Towers solely because they looked like two gigantic erections that were perilously close to touching. Only in a decadent, morally bankrupt society could such blatantly homosexual architecture be allowed to exist. America let teh Homo-sexual Lobby take control of our urban planning, and we paid the price. So surely we'd be safer by restricting gay rights rather than expanding them? If we turn ourselves into a mirror image of the Taliban, terrorists wouldn't think of attacking us again, right? This line of thinking may have its merits, but I think good ol' Ben Franklin had it right when he famously said, "those who would give up essential homosexuality to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither homosexuality nor safety."

The truth is that gay rights make America safer. Obama repealed Don't Ask, Don't Tell and a few months later, boom, we killed bin Laden. There's no way this was just a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences. I also don't believe in dinosaurs, eskimos, or vaccination. Fundamentalist Islamists hate gay people, so Osama must've been terrified to hear that the U.S. was coming after him with a military full of TEH GAZE. I very much doubt we would have been able to kill bin Laden if Seal Team 6 wasn't made up exclusively of homosexuals.

With all that being said, I guess I do sympathize with the feeble-minded haters who want gay marriage to remain illegal. I mean, they're right that Obama is completely in thrall to the Homo-sexual Lobby, which is a problem because it's keeping him from devoting enough of his energy to the pharmaceutical, banking, oil, and defense lobbies. It's not like the Teabaggers' demands are irrational or excessive. They're just against Obama's huge radical agenda being rammed down America's throat. I mean, why does he have to ram it down our throat? Why can't he just gently and lovingly dip his wrinkled agenda repeatedly into America's mouth? Is that too much to ask? Maybe conservatives are right when they say that at this criticial juncture in America's history, we should be curtailing civil rights, not increasing them. After all, the Ancient Greeks were all about gay sex, and just look at Greece's economy now. Zeus created Paris and Helen, not Paris and Hellen. Wokka wokka. I know that's bad, but it's the best I can do off the top of my head. I'm sure there's a Uranus and Gaia joke out there somewhere, but I'm too lazy to dig for it.

Shortly after the bill passed, King Kong and his gay lover laid waste to New York City.

Scripps Don't Lie

Aww shit y'all heard the big news??? It's the end of an era. SHAQ DADDY DONE RETIRED Y'ALL!!! It's been a good 19 years, but I just felt the time was right for me to retire now. I'm an old-ass man, and it just isn't feasible for me to continually run up and down the court while having to support 400 pounds of body weight (pure muscle though it may be). My body was breaking down, and I wanted to get out while I still had some measure of good health. Plus I wanted to retire while my free throw percentage was still above 50. Also, and I can't emphasize this enough, fuck Kobe. The NBA should do just fine without me, as I've passed the torch to those two young whippersnappers Dirk Nowitzki and Jason Kidd.

Even though I've retired from basketball, I still feel that competitive fire within me. I wanted to find a sport that's just as cutthroat and intense as basketball, but slightly less physical. So my boy Jacques Bailly told me that competitive spelling is the way to go. I think I'll try to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee next year. I've already began training. Did y'all know that there's this NBA team called the "Knicks" and it's got a silent K? "Womb" and "bomb" are spelled similarly, but "tomb" and "boom" aren't, even though if you put a bomb in someone's womb and it goes boom, everyone involved will wind up in a tomb. Or a cemetary or a morg, neither of which I know how to spell. This spelling shit is way harder than it looks. At least I'm a better speller than Kobe. He couldn't spell "NBA" if you spotted him the N and the A. He never even went to college, you know.

My experience with competitive spelling goes way back to when I recorded the official song for the 2006 bee with Shakira. It was a flop, but then Wyclef Jean retooled it a bit and it really took off. Wyclef, if you're reading this, where are my royalties? You make a man want to sue your ass.


So be wise/ and keep on/ reading the dictionary
Oh boy I can see your fingers move/
you're writing the word on your forearm

Uncommon Pallor*

The internets are fuming, and rightly so, over the White House invitation Michelle Obama extended to Chicago-based poet Common. I'm not familiar with this "Common" (that CAN'T be his real name?), but my sources say he apparently raps hip-hop and writes poetry in the urban vernacular. I feel like I vaguely remember him from somewhere, but I can't quite place it. Oh well. Hopefully it'll come to me later, right now I gotta go hop in my Lincoln Navigator and take a quick trip down to the Gap.

Commongate may seem ridiculously ignorant and even a little racist by some, but I actually agree with Sarah Palin et al on this one. Rhyming is an abomination. If God had intended for words to rhyme, he would have created Steve and Eve, not Adam and Eve. These intemperate "poets" and their libertine "poetry" are to blame for America's decline. Back in my day everyone was illiterate and our entire vocabulary consisted of just 5 verbs and 7 nouns, none of which rhymed, and by gum we liked it that way! This was before the war, mind you, and before all them Yankee carpetbaggers done come round these parts with their fancy book-larnin', corrupting us with their elitist diction and Ivy League indoor plumbing. WHAT I LACK IN VOCABULARY I MAKE UP FOR IN VOLUME!!!

Some liberals are saying that this whole toot about Common is yet another manifestation of white Conservatives' constant but usually concealed anxiety with all things urban (except for Keith Urban). But honestly, so what if Conservatives are afraid of black people? So what if every time they hear the word "rap" they immediately go into a Pavlovian fit, clutching their purses, flooring their SUVs, and fleeing to the sterile safety and empty opulence of their gated, McMansioned communities? I mean, I'm afraid of the dark, does that make me a racist? Sometimes it's just common (ha!) sense to be afraid of things that are dangerous. And Common, being as gangster as they come, is obviously dangerous. You might even say he's a menace to society. I've even seen pictures of him wearing a do-rag and jewelry. Can you imagine that? A grown man wearing jewelry? My word! Having poets visit the White House sends the wrong message to kids. Dancing outside the White House like bloodthirsty buffoons to celebrate shooting someone in the face, however...

*cf.

Trumpty Dumpty

Man y'all heard of that reality TV star/quadruple bankruptee Donald Trump and how he was supposably gonna run for President? Democrats were excited about his candidacy because a Trump victory in the Republican primary would all but assure an Obama victory in the 2012 presidential election and Republicans were excited about his candidacy because, well, they're Republicans and frankly nothing they think or do should surprise anyone anymore. Unfortunately he's decided to not run after all. As a fan of train wrecks and public humiliation, I'm a bit disappointed. But I can't figure out any rational reason why Trump thought he had even a sliver of a chance in the first place. He's repulsive in every way. Who thought running him was a good idea? Let's see, unemployment is one of the country's biggest problems, so who do we get to run for president? Ooh, I know, someone whose catch phrase is "You're Fired". That'll really resonate with the American people. Might as well get that crazy dude from Iran to run. What's his name, Mahmoud Ammaneedajob? Yeah, him.

POP POP!

Y'all heard of this thing called TELEVISION??? Regular readers of my blog know that my favorite TV show is Smallsville, but check it y'all, the series finale is tonight! Needles to say I'm disappointed, but really that show has been going downhill ever since they got rid of Pete. My second favorite TV show is Arrested Development (not to be confused with Artested Development, a short-lived, Odd Couple inspired sitcom starring Ron Artest and Andrew Bynum as roommates in a rehab center for violent rageaholics). Unfortunately, Arrested Development only lasted 3 seasons, which is one season fewer than I lasted with Orlando. With my two favorite shows both being cancelled, I figured I'ma need to find me a new favorite show soon so last night I started flipping through the channels. Lucky for me I found this show called Community. They got this awesome character I think his name is Magnetdude or something but anyway he just busts into rooms and is all like PLOP PLOP and it's so awesome. So then I started thinking what if they brought back Arrested Development and they did an Arrested Development/Community crossover episode? It would be as disgustingly unfair to the competition as this year's Miami Heat but way more awesome. LIke maybe GOB could take his talents to Greendale and start a branch of the Magician's Alliance there. And a bunch of doves would fly out of Starburns' top hat. Or something.


"The mere fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready."

Notorious O.B.L.

Aww shit y'all heard of this dude Osama bin Laden? That's the dude what was the most wanted man in the world for like 15 years or some such. Anyways just the other day the U.S. done kilt him up good, which you've probably heard about by now unless you've been living in a cave. Speaking of living in caves, guess who wasn't??? Yeah everyone was thinking that Osama was hiding out somewheres in Afghanistan but all along he was really just chilling in a million dollar, three story mansion in the middle of a bustling, upscale Pakistani city named after some British dude (who, however successful a military man he may have been, was perhaps the worst poet ever).

I guess it's too early to accurately assess the full significance of bin Laden's death. Some athletes are even saying that maybe Osama didn't have anything to do with 9/11, that it was all a conspiracy masterminded by the U.S. government. After all, 9/11 happened PRECISELY ON SEPTEMBER 11TH!!! Of all the dates Nine Eleven could have fallen on, what are the odds of it occurring EXACTLY on September 11th? That can't just be coincidental, can it? If Rashard Mendenhall and the Truthers are right then Osama's death shouldn't have much of an effect on the War on Terror. However, I take Osama's word that he and al Qaeda were responsible for 9/11, so I think that Osama's death will inevitably have a huge impact on the War on Terror.

So that brings up the question, exactly what kind of impact? Can we Americans finally stop pissing our collective pants? Will al Qaeda collapse without its star point guard/head coach? Who will replace him? Will this situation resemble this year's Cleveland Cavaliers, when LeBenedict James took his talents to South Beach and was replaced by Joey Graham, leading to a 42-game decline? Or will it be more like the San Antonio Spurs of the late 90s when David Robinson passed the torch to Tim Duncan, resulting in the Spurs winning 4 titles over the next decade?

Unfortunately for al Qaeda, I predict the former. Without its brilliant head coach/point guard, I just don't see any way al Qaeda will be able to maintain its dominance of the Islamic Terror League. There are too many other demented and unhinged organizations that would love to take over al Qaeda's role as the preeminent terrorist group in the world, including al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Lashkar-e-Taiba, Hezbollah, Ansar al-Islam, and the Los Angeles Lakers. Looking at al Qaeda's current roster, I'm struck by their lack of young talent and quality depth. Lately they just haven't been able to attract the top young terrorist talent in free agency. I blame this on their coaching staff's inability to adjust to the needs of today's potential terrorists. It used to be easy to seduce young recruits with the promise of a generous retirement plan, but you know Muslim youth nowadays, they care more about designer jeans and fancy iPods than 72 virgins and eternity in Paradise. The terrorists of today want to work for someone who can recite Nas, not the Quran. They want Lil Wayne, not Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. It seems that Osama learned this lesson, albeit a little too late. Among the documents Navy Seals found in his compound were rough drafts of what U.S. military intelligence officers have identified as "jihad recruitment raps".

Yo it's me/ MC/
Osama/ comma/
bin Laden/ I been plottin'/ hustlin'
Finnuh unite all Muslims/
Against these crazy U.S. imperialists/
I make a call/ to yuh all/ in all seriousness/
From Baghdad to Syria/
Beirut to Liberia/
Come join my movement, among the criteria/
is you can't be down with them whack-ass Americans/
We gots to take back our land and bomb all they garrisons/
Assassinate they public figures/
Then go and celebrate with all my Muslim niggas/

I just hope he doesn't come out with any posthumous albums.


...or posthumous terrorist attacks.

Kobe Bryant doesn't care about gay people

Hey y'all, y'all heard of this dude Kobe Bryant? Chances are you have, since he's one of the most famous rapists in recent history. But what most of y'all may not know is that he's also a professional basketball player. It's true! In fact, I was once his teammate way back in the day, when I led the Los Angeles Lakers to 3 consecutive NBA championships from 2000-2002. People remember those teams mainly for my complete dominance in the low post, Robert Horry's clutch three-point shooting, and A.C. Green's legendarily impenetrable virginity. But we honestly couldn't have won those titles without Kobe's epic ball-hogging. It seemed like every night ESPN showed highlights of him setting some weird NBA record like most missed shots in a game or highest arrogant douchebag percentage or longest streak of consecutive games with at least one attempted rape. In retrospect it seems like a small miracle that A.C. Green survived those seasons with his virginity intact.

Sure, Kobe and I feuded a little bit in those days, but the situation was never as bad as the media portrayed it to be. I never viewed him as much of a threat because I was just so much cooler than he was. I have like 47 awesome nicknames. Shaqtus, Big Aristotle, Shaq Diesel, Black Leonardo, Shaq Morris, Shaqtion Jackson, Shaq-Fu, Shaq the Ripper, Henrietta Shaqs, Big Shamrock, Love Shaqtually, etcetcetc. Does Kobe even have one? The Black Mamba? Please. Kobe wishes he were black.

At this point you may be wondering why I am even bringing up Kobe. Well, it's because he's in the news again. Turns out that in addition to being a ball-hogging sex offender, he's also a homophobe. On Wednesday the NBA fined him $100K for directing an anti-gay slur at a referee after the referee had given him a technical foul. In Kobe's defense, a few years ago the NBA changed its rules to favor offense by prohibiting certain defensive techniques such as hand checking and rape, and Kobe, who was formerly known as an elite defender, has had difficulty adjusting. I'm not sure if the referee was justified in T'ing Kobe up, but questionable technical fouls happen all the time. Kobe definitely overreacted by calling the ref a "fucking faggot". (Pardon the language, but accurate reportage demands it. To the more easily offended members of my readership, read that last phrase as "dagning taggart") The NBA prides itself on its enlightened gay-friendly attitude, boasting many gay icons from John Amaechi to... umm... I'm pretty sure Isiah Thomas and Magic Johnson kissed that one time. That counts, right?


Simpler times

Anyway, the point is that Kobe's bigoted slur is unacceptable in today's NBA. We as a society should encourage our gay youth to follow their dreams no matter where that may lead them. Even if it leads them to become NBA referees. Corrupt, incompetent, out-of-shape, subtly racist NBA referees. A generation of bright-eyed gay youth enthusiastically following in the footsteps of Tim Donaghy, Dick Bavetta, Joey Crawford, and Bennett Salvatore... Wait. On second thought, Kobe, use all the anti-gay slurs you want. Cocksucker is a good one, for example. Fucking flamer is too, as it has KKK-esque connotations of using fire as a weapon. Gay-ass gayboy is a pretty good one too because it has the word gay right there in it like two times. Nancy boy isn't so good, since people will probably just think you're referring to the nickname of Larry Nance, who was one of the Cleveland Cavaliers' biggest stars in the late 80s and early 90s. The important thing is to make it crystal clear that gays are not welcome in the ranks of NBA referees. Please Kobe, it's up to you to lead the way. I know we've had our differences, you and I, but I'm not asking you to do this for me. Do it for that kindergartener in Topeka who would rather play with dolls than fire engines. Do it for that 11 year-old in Des Moines who combs his hair and brushes his teeth without being asked to. Do it for those transgendered toddlers in that J. Crew catalog. Do it for half the cast of Glee. Do it for all the gay children across America who deserve a better fate than growing up to be NBA referees.

Tach it up*

Well, it looks like all my bitching and moaning about the waste and inefficiency endemic to the federal government might finally pay off. Them Republicans finnuh shet down the fejrul gubmint! It's about time. It's also about selfishness. Oh! Did you see what I did there? It's called a zeugma.

This is an ideal opportunity for conservatives to prove to the rest of the country that they were right all along about the uselessness of the federal government. The government is best which governs least, as they like to say while Thoreau spins round in his grave. They were proven correct about so many of their other pet theories, like trickle-down economics, the War on Drugs, Social Security privatization, and slavery, so I'm assuming this whole government shut down thing will work out perfectly too. It won't affect me anyway since I live in a posh gated community in the 'burbs, with a passel of servants to attend to my every need. So I couldn't care less. For those of you who will be adversely affected by potential government shutdown, I suggest that you grab your passport and leave the country. And if you don't have a passport, oops I guess you're fucked since the passport office will shut down. It's weird that the NFL is locked out, the NBA will probably have a lock out once the season ends, and the gubmint might also be shut down. These things come in threes I suppose.

*see

Aflac Shrugged

Oh man y'all heard of this shit called health insurance? That's this thing that costs hundreds of dollars every month as long as you never use it and then finally when the time comes that you do have to use it, you have to pay a few thousand more dollars for the privilege of doing so. Oh yeah and sometimes it's sold to you by a duck (this differentiates it from car insurance, which is sold by lizards, or, if you're in the greater Chicagoland area, a giant eagle-human hybrid). Well it turns out that the Aflac spokesduck was recently fired for tweeting some offensive shit in the aftermath of the tsunami in Japan. I never took him to be a mean racist. I mean, he was so adorbs in those commercials, the way he went around all quacking and such, as ducks are wont to do. I'm so offended by all this that I am going to boycott health insurance until that duck apologizes.

I'm not sure if Aflac can stay afloat (ha!) without its star spokesduck. Making matters worse is the passage of Obamacare, with its job-killing ban on denying insurance to people with pre-existing conditions. Aflac obviously wants healthy people to live long and keep paying for their plans while using no services, and once people get sick and become net liabilities, for those people to die immediately. It's just Economics 101. I think it might also be cross-listed as Sociopathy 101. Anyway, the point is that Obama apparently failed Economics since he wants to deny health insurance companies their God given right to doggedly pursue profits above all else. It's downright saintly of health insurance executives to not go around killing anyone who has so much as a cough, but of course Obama doesn't see it that way.

The insurance companies aren't the only ones who'll suffer. I also feel bad for currently uninsured people (like me) who will be FORCED to buy health insurance because of Obamacare. A while ago I tried to get health insurance, but the insurance company told me that life is a terminal illness (which is strictly true) and thus merely being alive is a pre-existing condition which rendered me uninsurable. At the time I was pissed, but now I love not having health insurance. It really frees up my expenses so I can spend money on things I actually want, i.e. illegal firearms to protect me during the coming apocalypse and tons of nonprescription Oxycontin to suppress the blinding pain in which I live everyday, pain that I can only assume is the result of various chronic untreated medical conditions. Umm, so anyway where was I? Oh yeah, where in the Constitution does it say that THE GUBMINT can FORCE you to buy health care from a DUCK??? OMABACARE IS UNCONSTITUITIONAL!!! And here I thought it was a free country. But wait, I guess it is a FREE country, IF YOU'R A POOR PERSON WITH CANCER WHO WANTS A GOUBMINT HANDOUT JUST SO YOU CAN MAINTAINTAIN YOUR LAVISH LIFESTYLE OF BEING ALIVE.

Anyway I suppose that Aflac needs a new spokesduck, ideally one that isn't as controversial as the previous one. Maybe even someone who will help lead the charge against Obamacare. I have a suggestion:


When there's trouble you call George W.

The Postal Service

Say y'all heard of this thing called the United States Postal Service? Word on the street is that they're going to close down up to 2,000 post offices starting in March. I say it's about time. Who even gets the mail anymore, what with the Internets and all? I'm sick of paying 40 something cents just to send some piece of paper hundreds of miles across the country. Gubmint should keep its hand off my mail. It was bad enough when they tried to take over the army, now they're trying to take over the post office? Sheeit.

In the midst of this recession, who can even afford the luxury of having a mailbox? Even I've had to cut back on some expenses at Le Chateau de Shaq (that's French for "Shaquille's cat water"). I had to have my mailbox converted into a garage and my birdhouse converted into a replacement mailbox (which is confusing to birds and mailmen alike), but then my mother-in-law moved in with us so I had to have the birdhouse/replacement mailbox converted into a guest house. Times are tough all over.

The Little Prince

Man y'all heard of these things known as Republicans? Since Republicans hate black people I figured it would only be a matter of time before they replaced Michael Steele as chairman of the Republican National Committee. But replacing him with some dude named Prince Rebus? Shit, I know Republicans hate democracy and long for a return to monarchy, but this is a bit much. The Founding Fathers must be turning over in their graves. They hated monarchy so much that they actually outlawed Chess. True story.

Shaq's on a plane

Aww shit y'all heard of this shit called airplanes? They are just like cars only faster. And more airborne. Anyways, last week that liberal blogger from the Internet, Ariana Huffington, made news for being detained by law enforcement after she refused to turn her cell phone off during a United Airlines flight from DC to New York City. Cell phones, as we all know, can and routinely do lead to horrific crashes when used on planes. How else were the 9/11 hijackers able to find the WTC if not by using their iPhones to Google Map the directions? Luckily, 53 year-old professional floor installer slash hero Ellis Beloduff was on board and able to defuse the situation by notifying a flight attendant of Ms. Huffington's sadistically reckless behavior. Here are some excerpts of him recounting his harrowing ordeal: "I see a hand in front of me with a BlackBerry ... so I yell to [the flight attendant], 'SHE'S ON HER BLACKBERRY!!!'". However the flight attendant refuses to take immediate action. Sensing that time is running out, Mr. Beloduff escalates his warnings. "She's still on [her cell phone] and I'm ringing my buzzer. And finally I said, 'What is wrong with you?' And I'm getting louder and louder." Still no action from the flight attendant. As the tension crescendoes, Mr. Beloduff realizes that the safety of the flight rests entirely in his hands. "WAAAHHHH!!!" he bleats, while soiling himself. This proves to be the decisive stroke, as the flight attendant finally gets Ms. Hufflepuff to turn her cell phone off, but not without first getting in a shot at our hero Mr. Beloduff. "He tells me, 'Calm down, Sir! I told him I was calm. If I wasn't calm I would have ripped it out of her hand!" It's nice to see that there are still brave men out there willing to put their asses on the line and threaten physical harm to people who don't assent immediately to outdated and arbitrary orders given by a bloated government agency. Bravo, Ellis Beloduff. You narrowly averted another 9/11 with your heroic whining.

This situation calls to mind the classic thriller Snakes on a Plane, with the role of Samuel L. Jackson being played by Ellis Beloduff and the role of hundreds of venomous snakes being played by... umm... one cell phone. That movie is one of my favorites. I even tried out for the role of Man Bitten on Penis. For my audition I had to deliver the timeless line "Aw, fuck! Fucking bitch! Get off my dick! Aw, fuck! Fuck." Unfortunately I didn't get the part, probably because everyone has me typecast as a rapping genie. Life isn't fair. I also tried out for the role of Paul, who poignantly asks what is one of the deepest philosophical questions in cinematic history: "Why exactly are there snakes on this plane?" I wish I knew, Paul, I wish I knew. I mean, why exactly are there any motherfucking snakes on any motherfucking plane? Who can really say? And who among us can honestly claim that there aren't any motherfucking snakes stowed away in the motherfucking overhead bin of our psyche? What I'm trying to say is that Snakes on a Plane is a very complex metaphor and the heroic actions of Ellis Beloduff have breathed new life into it. The snakes represent the incivility and sense of entitlement that is endemic to the modern liberal mindset. The plane represents a plane.


The phone poses a much greater threat than does the venomous snake.

Auld Lang Syne

Yo what up y'all SHAQ DADDY aka BLACK LEONARDO aka BIG SHAMROCK aka FUTURE 2ND BLACK PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES back in the house! Say y'all heard of this thing called Twenty Eleven??? No, that's not my season scoring average followed by my rebounding average, that's the year what it just turned the other day. What did y'all do for New Year's Eve? I took my 7'2" 350 lbs ass to the NOLA. I know y'all might be wondering what I was doing way down there when I should be playing for the Celtics, but chill y'all, New Orleans is pretty much the Boston of Louisiana. Me and my peeps hung out in the French Quarter, which thanks to inflation is now worth more like 50 US cents. Thanks a lot, Ben Bernanke. Also, there were fireworks on the Mississippi River. And they were pretty. Very pretty.

Oh and check this shit out, some asshole from New York City called me and my peeps "hillbillies". For the French-speaking readers of my blog, that's "les Guillaumes de la colline". Can you believe that ish!? We're from the NOLA, where there isn't a hill around for miles and miles. In fact, I think my 9 foot 6 inch ass is technically the highest point in all of Louisiana. I should have posterized that dude, but then I remembered that violence doesn't solve anything. I'm just gonna have to take out my aggression on Kobe. Fuck that dude Kobe.