Halloween up in this (Part II)

Shaqdaddy back at ya. I had me some fun for the Halloween. We went out on Saturday night instead of Sunday, because we all felt that to celebrate a pagan holiday on the Lord's day would be blasphemous. So we went to some party at a hotel. There was a libarry up in there, so I got drunk and started reading the complete works of Maurice Hewlett. I wasn't sure what to go as. At first, I thought I would go as Kazaam, but then I thought that I didn't want to be rekkanized by anyone, so I finally decided to go as a 5'6'' Bangladeshi guy. But that still didn't work. People were going up to me all night saying "Damn, Shaq, whatchoo doing at this here party in DC" or "Hey, Shaq, I can have your autograph?" or "Hi, Shaq! Kobe sucks my ass, huh?". But yeah, anyway, that party was fun. I dominated the low post.

Halloween up in this

Yo, y'all, what it is? Today was the Miami Heat's annual Halloween party. The reason the party is annual is because Halloween is annual. I went to the party dressed as that dude who is our president, George W. Bush. I wore a Bush mask, a suit and tie, and affixed a "VOAT 4 BUSH" sign to my back. People was getting on my case for misspelling 'vote', saying it made the President look stupid. To my defense, at least I spelled '4' correctly. Because of my mask, no one could tell who I was underneath. I thought that was weird. Ain't no other 7'2'', 350 lbs. motherfuckers on our team. Shit.

B-Trayed by da CNN

Man, y'all seen that show on the CNN I was telling you about, the one where I got interviewed? Damn, that was some bull! I was betrayed by that dude named Carlos. They cut out all the best parts. I was explaining my plans to defeat Osama, and Carlos just rolled his eyes. Plus later I went into this awesome rap about Kobe, but did they air that??? The answer is no. So now to redress their omission, I bring y'all my latest foray into raptastic excellentness:

I loves me some basketball/

don’t need to be askin' y'all/

to cheer for me and my Miami Heat/

the way we ballin y'all know we cant be beat/

fuck da Knicks, y'all skillz be measly/

can't hang with me, and my boy Jerome Beasley/

fuck da Hawks, fuck da Pistons/

we'll beat up on y'all like Ali did to Liston/

you think I'm playin? Just try and test me/

I'll knock you on yo ass and crunch you just like Nestle/

make it look so easy, like I aint even tryin'/

I'll pound yo ass like my name was Kobe Bryant/

that's right, I'm talking bout you, mother fuckin' Kobe/

talkin' shit about my ass when you don’t even know me/

now the Heat won't lose, but we all know the Lakers will/

cuz you a fake ass nigga, actin' whiter than Naperville/

What?!?

Irony

Fasting just slows me down on the court.

Expand the Draft

Commentor Spencer James has a question:

"...yeah son, theres a war up in iraq. Theys is gonna reprostitute the draff yall. Shack, my queshun is, are you scurrd udda draff?"

Fuck no! Man, I love the draft. I know not everyone can be the first pick of the first round (like I was in 1992, bay-bee!), but I wish the Democrats would just chill with they "Bush will reinstitute the draft" mumbo jumbo. John Kerry just a sore loser cause his sorry 6'5'' ass couldn't even make the Yale basketball team. I think maybe there are a few good arguments for draft reform, like implementing a minimum age so punk ass fools like Kobe can't enter right outta high school and maybe expanding it a few more rounds so more people get a chance. But I'm sick of the scare tactics employed by the Democratic party. People, the NBA draft is what makes this country great. And if it will help us win the War on Terror, then all the better.

I'ma be on TV!!!

What up, y'all? I just wanted to give y'all the update that I'ma be on TV this Sunday night. Some Hispanical dude named Carlos interviewed me for this channel named CNN. So y'all should definitely check it out. I got to tell Carlos about my plan to fight the international terrorisms. Also I gave Kobe a verbal beatdown later on in the interview. I hope those parts aren't relegated to the cutting room floor. I heard Carlos interviewed Osama on the show as well. When I run for office (after my career in basketball and rap is over) then that boy Osama better watch out, cause I'ma come at him harder than my Criminal Justice 256 final. That's right, bitches. I'm in grad school. Kobe didn't even go to college. What!?!?!

War in Iraq

Y'all heard about this war in Iraq?

OH MY GOD, SMALLVILLE!!!!!!!

Sorry I ain't been posting lately, but I been really busy this week, what with the preseason and all. Coach Stan makes us practice everyday, even though Ramadan has started and it's hard to ball on an empty stomach. And most nights I come home too tired to blog. But I got some good news. The other day I get home from practice, break fast, and turn on the TV...and what else do I find but my favorite show, Smallville, on ABC Family?!?!?!!??!??!?? That's right, bay-bee, Smallville is in syndication!!! Can you dig it?!?!?!?! I wish I could make a guest appearance on that show, but I guess there isn't room for very many black people in Smallville. They got Pete and that crazy scientist professor dude, and on a commercial I saw that Candyman was guest starring...but that doesn't leave much room for me. Maybe if I submit a script to the producer and put in a small role for me... I could be the star of the Smallville High basketball team and Yao could be some dude from Krypton sent by Jor-el to use his Visa Check card to buy Clark a red kryptonite class ring, thereby turning him evil. Then Evil Clark and Yao challenge me and Pete to a game of 2-on-2. It's a close game. Me and Pete have mad skillz but Evil Clark and Yao can fly. It's tied at 19, and Yao flies up to the rafters to lay down the game-winning dunk. But I don't need to know how to fly, I'm Shaq Diesel. So I block his shot anyway, and pass it to Pete, who puts it in for the win. Chloe and Lana are all like, "damn Shaq, you're way cooler than Yao and Evil Clark!". So I ask Chloe to the prom and she says yes. Can you dig it?

Yao Ming is tall

Man, have y'all heard of that dude Yao Ming??? I've played against him a bunch of times and lemme tell you, he's mad tall. I'm glad I switched conferences.

Defending my Plan

Well, I got some feedback on my Plan to Fight Terrorisms from that boy Emmen. Overall he was cool with it, but he had one suggestion: to internationalize the effort.

"...check it, bra, i was fillin that plan to fight dem alkaloids, really diggin it, but consider gettin together an allstar team of internationals from the nba rather than jus dem Heats. I think we arredy seen that unilatral action plus poland is a weak plan. you gone be general and all, so kobe can be excluded, but jus majin havin Steve Nash from Canada, Ginobili from Argentina, Mamadu N'diaye from Senegal, Big Yao from the red land, we could even do what that predident George never could and get France in on this with Boris Diaw, Jerome Moiso, Tony Parker, and even one wid a name dat sound like a tareist: Tariq Abdul Wahad. How you feel bout internationalizin the effort, bra? but like i said, you still gone be general, so you could get as much playin time as you want. jus cuz france is in, dont mean they gone run da sho or nuttin, dig it?"

Man, I disagree with Emmen. I got to take my cues from President George, and like George, I'm not interested in pleasing the international community. My only concern is getting tha job done, and we all know that the 2004-2005 Miami Heat is the best assemblage of basketball talent to ever grace this galaxy. Also, Christian Laettner has Polish roots. We don't need no other countries to help us beat the Al Qaedas. QED.

The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day

Man y'all seen what happened to that boy Bill O'Reilly, host of The O'Reilly Factory on FOX News??? He in more trouble than Kobe, shit! Damn, Bill, that girl wanted $60 mil from you? That must've been one expensive falafel!!! If I were ever to pay off a girl, I know it would take considerably less money that that. I hope he get fired and they replace him with bin Laden and they call it The O'Sama Factor. Put him on right before Chone Hannity, that shit would be real fair and balanced. Anyway, I gotta go to practice. On Fridays Coach Stan buys us free breakfast.

Change of Heart (the Shaq Plan to fight Terrorism)

OK, regular readers of my blog will notice I made a slight change. Under "Things I Don't Like", I had previously listed George W. Bush. But now I'm having second thoughts thanks to some incisive comments made by one M--N (what the fuck kind of name is that anyway?):

"...the way i figgir bout them alkaydein tareists is that somone big like you need to fight em. i herrh osama bin madman be like 6'5'' or some. you got like two feet on that dude. i think them tareists is winning cuz them cats we sent from the US, UK, and Poland is just too damn small. consider yourself a miitary korean after this next seesin, aight?"

Man here I was, passing judgment on that cat George like my boy Dwayne pass me the rock after a pick and roll, all the while unaware of how tall that other cat Osama was. No wonder President George can't defeat terror...if they got Osama at center and he got what, like 6 inches on George, Al Qaeda keep on feeding the ball to Osama in the low post, and he keep getting easy looks over George. Maybe Secretary of Defrense Ronald Dumbsfeld come over from his power forward position to double team Osama, but then Osama just kick it back out to Abu Musab Zarqawi, who wide open outside the arc and gets his shot off before small forward Cheney can contest it. And with Zarqawi's sweet stroke, we know that's going in 8 time out of 10. But man, put me in at center, and shit, I got like a foot on that Osama character. Let's see him fuck with Shaq Diesel. Can you dig it?!?!!!! Shit, put the whole Miami Heat in there and see what Al Qaeda do. I don't care how good Ayman Al-Zawahiri's pressure D is, ain't no way he can stop my boy Dwyane's sick moves. I don't see how this foolproof plan to fight terrorism will ever be implemented by John Kerry. That cat is like 6'5'' hisself, so he liable to think he don't need my help containing Osama. President George understands that Osama may be 6'5'', but he plays 7''.

I used to think that George couldn't fight terrorism adequately cuz he couldn't even pronounce it. Now Chone Hannity helped me realize that pronouncing it "terrism" is his brilliant plan to defeat terrorism one syllable at a time. And while he may have asserted that some of Saddam's WsMD were "nyookyooler", he certainly never claimed to anyone that Saddam had nuclear weapons. That's why after much deliberation I decided I feel safer with George. I've always considered a career in law enforcement after my playing days are over, so I say sure, President George, make me Sheriff of Afghanistan and together we can smoke some evildoin' terrorist killers out of their holes. Al Qaeda is one group of folks that will not be able to withstand my blocked shot related goaltend activities.

Practice is hard

Today's practice was harder than yesterday's. Coach Stan got mad at me so he assigned me to the remedial squad. I had to shoot free throws at a Nerf hoop with Dorrell Wright, Malik Allen, and Pape Sow.

Keeping the Internets safe from terrists...

Yo y'all, did y'all see that debate that was going on on the TV last night? That was some bull right there. I finished up with practice just in time to catch it (Coach Stan makes me shoot free throws until I make 2 in a row...I was there all day). What's up with that dude George? Something wrong with him? I mean, really wrong? I always knew he wasn't the roundest hoop on the court, but come on...even I speak English more better than him does. And that dude Kerry seems cool and all, but why he wanna take away my tax cuts (or as President George would say, my "task" cuts)? I need those tax cuts to help grow the economy. But I gotta give credit to George for creating those new Internets he was talking about in the last debate...cuz now I am taking advantage of one of them by doing this newfangled blogging thing. I think I like this Internet better than the old one.

More about me...

Freel, yo, this blog is about more than just basketball. I got lots of interests and opinions about tons of things, so this is gonna be my avenue for expressing them.

THINGS I LIKE:

• basketball
• politics
• Superman
• Nestle's Crunch with caramel
• world peace
• rap music
• LSU (Tigers, bay-bee!!!)

THINGS I DISLIKE:

• Kobe
• free throws
• Kobe's fake ass smile
• small beds
• Nestle's Crunch without caramel

Season Preview, Baby!!!

My prediction for this year: 82-0!!! No, fo' reel, though, we got a talented team here, and I can easily see us winning 60. Udonis Haslem is really starting to find his groove, and I think this could be the breakout year for Tang Hamilton. Jerome Beasley should be his usual powerhouse self, and I really think that ZhiZhi Wang will surprise a lot of folks. Kenyon Dooling can play the point or 2 guard. His versatility is but another arrow in our all-star quiver. My boy Dwyane is crazy, and y'all know I'm good for 30 & 15 a night. The real wild cards in all of this are Albert Miralles and Christian Laettner. If Al (that's what I call Albert) can hold his own and Jesus (that's what I call Laettner...get it?) can return to his mid-90s days of dominance, then can't no one stop us!!! It's on in two weeks, bay-bee!!!!!!!

Free Throws

Boy do I hate free throws.

CAN YOU DIG IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?

What up everybody! I just found out about this new blogging thing from my boy Dwyane Wade, so I thought I'd give it a go. Seems like fun. The season starts in a couple of weeks!! Can you dig it?!?!! Eastern Conference, baby!!!! Y'all may be wondering how I'm liking Miami...I'm loving it like a fat kid love cake, baby!!! Miami Heat all the way to the Finals in da Oh-Five, fa sho!!! What's up, Kobe, where's your blog, huh? What now, beeyotch?!? CAN YOU DIG IT!?!?!?!?!?