I don’t usually do this, but I'd like to use this post to rebut an article I read recently. I was perusing Town Hall, as I often do, when I came across the new column by Michelle "Kill All Immigrants" Malkin. Surprisingly, it's not an anti-immigration screed. How I wish it were. No, this time around she decides to take on the new teen epidemic of "cutting", or using sharp objects to inflict bodily harm on one's self. This is undoubtedly a harmful practice and measures should obviously be taken to curb it (though I'm skeptical that the scope of the problem is as large as Malkin makes it out to be…her evidence is mainly anecdotal, and what few statistics she provides seem to be pulled out of her ass). Unlike most everything else that she rails against, this issue is actually deserving of concern. Such an important problem warrants sound reasoning and exhaustive research, no? Could this article prove to be at least somewhat logical and enlightening? Well, let's see:
"This madness would not be as popular as it is among young people if not for the glamorizing endorsement of nitwit celebrities such as twentysomething actress Christina Ricci."
Whoops, I guess not. So she blames "Hollyweird" for the new self-mutilation "craze". And specifically, Christina Ricci. Okay. Where to begin? Malkin is correct in her characterization of Ricci as being "twentysomething". I saw Ricci on Conan last night, where she divulged that she is 25. The fact that she was on Conan in the first place attests to her "celebrity" status, so Malkin's right on that, too. I don’t know about the "nitwit" part, though my impression is that it isn't so. And the fact that immediately after seeing her interview I did not run to my kitchen cabinet and gouge my eyes out with a corkscrew casts doubts on Malkin's claim that the teen cutting craze is masterminded by Ricci herself and facilitated by the persistent stream of hypnotic mindbending brainwaves she emits, which, upon entering the brainosphere of impressionable youngsters, render them completely incapable of resisting her commands. Even if she had these powers, I think maybe she might use them for purposes other than propagating a teen self-mutilation craze. But I could be wrong. After all, she did play the macabre Wednesday Addams in The Addams Family, which is a *gasp* HOLLYWOOD movie. And with Hollywood, who knows? Anyway, this claim struck me as being odd:
"It may be all fun and games for a Hollywood starlet like Ricci, but her mindless stunts have inspired countless young girls to carve themselves into a bloody stupor."
Bloody stupid is more like it. I was going to write a paragraph about how fucking stupid and not-only-wrong-but-unprovable this claim is, but it turns out that Malkin is actually absolutely correct. Uh-huh, the New England Journal of Medicine in conjunction with the National Insititutes of Health has recently released a study, 25 years in the making, that conclusively attributes the rise of both teenage self-mutilation and AIDS to one and only one source: Christina Ricci's nipples. She has also been linked to certain types of cancer as well as a rare form of brain disease confined primarily to the highlands of Papua New Guinea. Please Evan, tell your girl to use her superpowers for good, not evil.
So yeah, it's pretty clear that Michelle Malkin and logic don’t play well together, but what's really remarkable about this article is how ridiculously clueless she is about youth and popular culture. The following quote will make your head explode:
"There is even a new genre of music -- "emo" -- associated with promoting the cutting culture."
To which I must reply, "Guh? Guh muh dehhhhh urrrrnnnngghhh nnnuuuhhhhhhhfff? Fuh flagh! Muhfarfuhblah!! Serrrooooo!!! Woop wamp weee!!!! Nuh nuh nuh nuh waaaa fffttttpppppphhhh bleh."
I hope you agree.
Unless y'all been stuck in a lift in the belly of a whale at the bottom of the ocean, y'all probably heard of this dude Doug Weed and how over the course of several years he secretly taped phone conversations between him and President George (even back when he was just Governor George). So far he's only released a scant few of the tapes to the mainstream press, leaving most of us to wonder what salacious content remains hidden from the public. The tapes that the New York Times has reported on are, quite frankly, a bit disappointing in that private George proves to actually be a slightly more decent human being than public George. Luckily for y'all, Doug and I are tighter than Sir Fatty's belt. We go way back like Peabody and Sherman. Thus Doug has agreed to give me access to the remainder of the tapes, provided that I periodically make transcripts available on my blog (the very same blog which you are now reading!). I've been listening to the tapes all day; in fact, I even faked an injury so I could ditch work and devote more time to transcribing this jelly. And lemme just tell you, Mr. Weed's tapes are a bonanza of entertaining gaffes, incriminating admissions, and unexpected insights into facets of George's personality he had somehow heretofore managed to keep hidden from the masses. Without freddy ado, here's Volume One of the Weed Tapes: I Smoke Drugs.George: Hello?Weed: Hey there, Georgy Boy! How's it hanging?George: Hello?Weed: Yeah, George, it's me, your friend, Doug.George: Who?Weed: You know, Doug Weed, the former Special Assistant to the President during your father's term.George: Ah yes, now I recall... Doug Weed, the author of the New York Times bestseller All the Presidents' Children and the co-founder, along with Pat Boone, of the relief organization Mercy Corps. Weed: So what have you been up to lately?George: Well, it sure is busy being the 43rd President of these United States. I barely have enough time to smoke drugs.Weed: Are you saying that you, George Walker Bush, habitually engage in the burning and inhalation of illegal substances?George: That is precisely what I am saying.Weed: Well, this is some rather scandalous information.George: I am aware of that. At times like this I feel lucky to have trustworthy confidantes such as yourself.Weed: I hear you. But barely. Could you please speak up?George: Pardon my hoarseness. The blunt which I am smoking has been laced with ketamine hydrochloride.Weed: That's quite alright.George: Hmm... these drugs are making me paranoid. You're not a narc, are you?Weed: Of course not.George: And you're not secretly taping this conversation, are you?Weed: No way. Even if I were, there would be almost no way to prove that it's actually you. The White House could always just issue a denial, saying that the other voice on the tape is an impersonator. By the way, what's your birthday?George: I was born on July 6, 1946, at roughly 5:30 AM. My mother's maiden name is Pierce.
Man where all my blog-havin' negroes be at? Spencer James can't update his blog since his ass got "fired" after his boss found out he ran an online gay escort service. On the other side of the fence, Moreech hasn't updated his blog, Diary of Alicia Nomanbhoy, in many minutes because he got himself a fo' real jobby-job. Leno finally got a girlfriend, I think, so now he's forgotten how to use the Internet. His blog Bitches Be All Bitchin' and Shit is just gathering dust. I was initially encouraged that Sir Fatty finally started posting again at his Robin Williams' fan site Jumanji All the Time, but that was just a false alarm. Turns out the "lazy fatty life" is not conducive to regular posting. $haft's tabla ustaad ass is too busy playing with alpha- and beta- toxins in the lab to even have Blogger account, so he just leaves anonymous comments. Man shoe. I play 82 games a year, half of which are on the road. Plus I have a busy career as a professional rapper/actor/Icy-Hot endorser. Yet I still find the time to update this blog semi-regularly. Y'all should be ashamed of y'allsselves, keepin' a woady from having puhsonnal expernces as he navigates the Intronet.
Yo, what it is, my peoples?!?!?! Happy Palestine's Day to all y'all! Finnuh send a box of chocolates to ya boy Mahmoud Abbas. I'm glad the world has finally recognized the validity of Palestinian sovereignty. The road to an eternal peace in the Middle East is paved with holidays such as this. Be sure to send red roses to the displaced children of Rafah, to show them you still care after all these years.
Yo, y'all. It's probably common knowledge by now that I enjoy rap music. My favorite song is Catastrophic Success by the Wise Consumaz. I was listening to that the other day, when my boy Dwyane told me about this thing called Gizoogle, which is a service that translates "normal" english websites into Snoop Dogg-styled "gangsta" english. So that got me thinking about whether or not it would work the other way around. I found a site that changed ebonics into whiteyspeak. Then I thought, "what's the most gangsta song I know of?" Well, it turned out to be Catastrophic Success, so I took the lyrics to that song, put them in the Cracka-Matic 5000, and here's what was spat out (for comparison, here's where you can find the lyrics to Catastrophic Success):I am reluctant to engage in criticism of you, President Bush, as you no doubt are busy with various matters of import; however, I feel that your demonstrated ignorance when dealing with certain issues of the day makes you highly susceptible to adopting a solipsistic view of the world in which you discount the possibility that other peoples around the world are deserving of the same basic rights and dignities that we Americans are.
Furthermore, at this point in time, your posterior is taking on the characteristics of one who murders persons of eminence. This is due to your having been befallen with the misfortune of diminished mental capacities.
You put forth the effort to incarcerate a certain Arab dictator and his cohorts, but now your energies and ammunition are mistakenly being directed towards persons formerly under the rule of the aforementioned dictator. These people, however, do not own any share of the culpability for improper actions allegedly perpetrated by the dictator who ruled over them.
I humbly beseech you to cease all martial activities targeted towards these innocent people, as they are merely relaxing in a manner similar to the protagonists of a popular comedy starring Alex Winters and Keanu Reeves.
However, your Neoconservative cadre of policymakers has advised you that the best course of action would be to terminate these innocent people. In response to this advice, I proceeded to implement small hand-held projectile armaments against a number of these people. Then, upon making my intentions known by exclaiming a cautionary word in German, I cast a lemon-shaped timed explosive device in the general direction of the luminescent orb around which our planet orbits. I must admit, my peers and I were quite eager to inundate those civilians with our superior firepower and subsequently subjugate them. Are you capable of visualizing the following scenario: a territory blessed with vast reserves of petroleum, completely under the administration of the U.S., from its capitol city all the way to its 3rd largest city located in the Kurdish northern region (that's affirmative, my colleague). From the center of the Iraqi oil industry in the proposed capital of Kurdistan and back down to one of the holiest Shi’a cities, all people should vocalize their support and respect for American policies because the Supreme deity of the Muslim religion has dictated that Americans be mobilized to this region in order to enrich themselves. At this point in the musical composition, we shall proceed to the refrain:
We are bombarding both the nation-state of Iraq and Osama bin Laden by means of explosive contrivances. In the future we are planning to use these same contrivances on the president of France as well as the woman who gave birth to you. As stated earlier, we are bombarding both Iraq and Osama bin Laden with explosive contrivances. When can we expect the cessation of this bombing campaign? Such an event is not scheduled to occur.
Halt! It seems that you are not paying attention to the lyrical content of this song. Your trousers are not meant to be urinated in. Rather, they exist for the purpose of removal; performing sex acts, not acts of violence. Now, that is a viewpoint possessing great intellectual merit, in addition to being rather elementary in implementation.
In stark contrast lies the alternate plan posed by President Bush. Upon closer inspection, one is perplexed at what his plan is designed to accomplish. Did the citizens of the sovereign nation of Iraq ever adopt the posture of an imminent threat to me or other citizens of the U.S.? Alas, I cannot answer this question in the affirmative. However, the sheer quantity of military resources that we continuously deploy inexplicably exceeds that of those deployed by Saddam. The volume of hemoglobin-containing liquid secreted as a result of our military actions surpasses even the highest possible volume secreted as a result of Saddam’s military actions; moreover, it surpasses any amount ever desired by Saddam even in absence of technological constraints. In spite of this vast library of evidence, you maintain an irrational allegiance to the current U.S. government. In this, you are similar to an arrogant purveyor of Country and Western music. I, for one, harbor strong feelings of disappointment and revulsion towards President Bush and his policies, feelings which I share with the members of the Texas-based group of musicians known as the Dixie Chicks. Our Commander-in-Chief apparently has a predilection for the use of terror as a means of achieving military and political goals. It is my opinion that upon his death we should inter his remains in the same sarcophagus as Osama bin Laden's.
Alas, still you refuse to heed my words! You and your peers are preoccupied with the design, production, and naming of new heavily-armored mobile fighting units and explosive long-range projectile weaponry, when you should instead be focused on retaining equanimity. This curious situation calls to mind a certain quote from a 1960s song: "there is exactly one period of time to which any given object corresponds. This period of time is equal to one-fourth of one year. Gyrate, gyrate, gyrate." However, the only dictum we seem to be capable of adhering to is "Char, Char, Char." It is reminiscent of a smoldering cesspool in which dance music from the 1970s is played. I am merely proffering that we should endeavor for the harmonious coexistence of all Earth's peoples. Now let us revisit the refrain:
We are bombarding both the nation-state of Iraq and Osama bin Laden by means of explosive contrivances. In the future we are planning to use these same contrivances on the president of France as well as the woman who gave birth to you. As stated earlier, we are bombarding both Iraq and Osama bin Laden with explosive contrivances. When can we expect the cessation of this bombing campaign? Such an event is not scheduled to occur.
We are bombarding both the nation-state of Iraq and Osama bin Laden by means of explosive contrivances. In the future we are planning to use these same contrivances on the president of France as well as the woman who gave birth to you. As stated earlier, we are bombarding both Iraq and Osama bin Laden with explosive contrivances. We will stoop so low as to utilize such attacks against the junior Senator from Illinois.
Aw yeah!!! Fat Wednesday in tha house!!! Say Sir Fatty, what you finnuh be doing on this day? Man, is you goan be fasting 4 tha Lent? I say fuck that shit.
Interesting couple of days-- figured maybe I should let all my fans know what I've had to deal with during my recent road trip to DC (you know, 'cause we were playing the Wizards). Anyway, in the past two days, I have engaged in two separate heated arguments in which I've had to make a case against 1) invading Iran and 2) nuking the entire Islamic world into oblivion. Apparently the first dude's logic was that Hitler, Stalin, Mao, etc. killed upwards of 100 million people, so we must invade Iran. 'Cause you never know. To bolster his argument, he pointed to the fact that our invasion of Iraq is going so swimmingly. Furthermore, those swarthy Iranians can't possibly be up to any good, seeing as how they lack the capacity for decency. Curiosly he threw the words "freedom", "democracy", and "human rights" around a bunch of times, but I don't think he knew what they meant. Which is to say that he probably had been reading from the George W. dictionary.
As for the second argument... that shit freaked me out and I still can't make sense of it. Seriously, is there any reason for nuking the Islamic world that has even a shard of logic to it? First of all, what is "the Islamic world"? Where is it? Who inhabits it? Is there a distinction to be made amongst the various kinds/degrees of Islam? Or is Islam a monolithic culture/religion (this guy seemed to think that the phrase "radical Islam" was redundant... I bet he'd never even met a Muslim his entire life). If we take any action against "the Islamic world", exactly what would that be a response to? 9/11? Future 9/11s? Is it just me, or are certain Americans the most pathetic bunch of solipsistic paranoid crybabies conceivable? So 3,000 people die at the hands of a few fanatics, and the proper retribution is the annihilation of an entire culture? Gee, that's swell. I thought we were over collective punishment, but I guess I'm just naive. I gotta go now, there are a bunch of people who may or may not attack/be mean to me in the future, so I should probably pre-emptively stab them. 'Cause you never know.
Wulzup wheaties? How y'all been living in tha Oh-Five?!?! Y'all finnuh be keeping y'all New Year's resolutions and what not? I know y'all been wondering if Shaqdaddy been keeping his, so I thought I'd give y'all an update:
Resolution #1: Use the word "fuck" more often on my blog-- CHECK!!! Y'all will be pleased to hear that this year I have used either the word "fuck" or a "fuck" variant a staggering twenty-six times!!! Compare this to the meager thirteen times I had used it previously. Not too fucking shabby.
Resolution #2: Be punctual with child support payments-- whoops. Sorry, Shaquilla.
Resolution #3: Shoot above 45% from the free throw line-- CZECH!!! 46.2%, baybee!!! Anything less than the best is a felony!!!
Resolution #4: Have less sex-- DOUBLE CHECK!!!
So there you have it, 3 out of 4. How is y'all been doing?
