White People Crazy

Yo, y'all. It's probably common knowledge by now that I enjoy rap music. My favorite song is Catastrophic Success by the Wise Consumaz. I was listening to that the other day, when my boy Dwyane told me about this thing called Gizoogle, which is a service that translates "normal" english websites into Snoop Dogg-styled "gangsta" english. So that got me thinking about whether or not it would work the other way around. I found a site that changed ebonics into whiteyspeak. Then I thought, "what's the most gangsta song I know of?" Well, it turned out to be Catastrophic Success, so I took the lyrics to that song, put them in the Cracka-Matic 5000, and here's what was spat out (for comparison, here's where you can find the lyrics to Catastrophic Success):

I am reluctant to engage in criticism of you, President Bush, as you no doubt are busy with various matters of import; however, I feel that your demonstrated ignorance when dealing with certain issues of the day makes you highly susceptible to adopting a solipsistic view of the world in which you discount the possibility that other peoples around the world are deserving of the same basic rights and dignities that we Americans are.

Furthermore, at this point in time, your posterior is taking on the characteristics of one who murders persons of eminence. This is due to your having been befallen with the misfortune of diminished mental capacities.

You put forth the effort to incarcerate a certain Arab dictator and his cohorts, but now your energies and ammunition are mistakenly being directed towards persons formerly under the rule of the aforementioned dictator. These people, however, do not own any share of the culpability for improper actions allegedly perpetrated by the dictator who ruled over them.

I humbly beseech you to cease all martial activities targeted towards these innocent people, as they are merely relaxing in a manner similar to the protagonists of a popular comedy starring Alex Winters and Keanu Reeves.

However, your Neoconservative cadre of policymakers has advised you that the best course of action would be to terminate these innocent people. In response to this advice, I proceeded to implement small hand-held projectile armaments against a number of these people. Then, upon making my intentions known by exclaiming a cautionary word in German, I cast a lemon-shaped timed explosive device in the general direction of the luminescent orb around which our planet orbits. I must admit, my peers and I were quite eager to inundate those civilians with our superior firepower and subsequently subjugate them. Are you capable of visualizing the following scenario: a territory blessed with vast reserves of petroleum, completely under the administration of the U.S., from its capitol city all the way to its 3rd largest city located in the Kurdish northern region (that's affirmative, my colleague). From the center of the Iraqi oil industry in the proposed capital of Kurdistan and back down to one of the holiest Shi’a cities, all people should vocalize their support and respect for American policies because the Supreme deity of the Muslim religion has dictated that Americans be mobilized to this region in order to enrich themselves. At this point in the musical composition, we shall proceed to the refrain:

We are bombarding both the nation-state of Iraq and Osama bin Laden by means of explosive contrivances. In the future we are planning to use these same contrivances on the president of France as well as the woman who gave birth to you. As stated earlier, we are bombarding both Iraq and Osama bin Laden with explosive contrivances. When can we expect the cessation of this bombing campaign? Such an event is not scheduled to occur.

Halt! It seems that you are not paying attention to the lyrical content of this song. Your trousers are not meant to be urinated in. Rather, they exist for the purpose of removal; performing sex acts, not acts of violence. Now, that is a viewpoint possessing great intellectual merit, in addition to being rather elementary in implementation.

In stark contrast lies the alternate plan posed by President Bush. Upon closer inspection, one is perplexed at what his plan is designed to accomplish. Did the citizens of the sovereign nation of Iraq ever adopt the posture of an imminent threat to me or other citizens of the U.S.? Alas, I cannot answer this question in the affirmative. However, the sheer quantity of military resources that we continuously deploy inexplicably exceeds that of those deployed by Saddam. The volume of hemoglobin-containing liquid secreted as a result of our military actions surpasses even the highest possible volume secreted as a result of Saddam’s military actions; moreover, it surpasses any amount ever desired by Saddam even in absence of technological constraints. In spite of this vast library of evidence, you maintain an irrational allegiance to the current U.S. government. In this, you are similar to an arrogant purveyor of Country and Western music. I, for one, harbor strong feelings of disappointment and revulsion towards President Bush and his policies, feelings which I share with the members of the Texas-based group of musicians known as the Dixie Chicks. Our Commander-in-Chief apparently has a predilection for the use of terror as a means of achieving military and political goals. It is my opinion that upon his death we should inter his remains in the same sarcophagus as Osama bin Laden's.

Alas, still you refuse to heed my words! You and your peers are preoccupied with the design, production, and naming of new heavily-armored mobile fighting units and explosive long-range projectile weaponry, when you should instead be focused on retaining equanimity. This curious situation calls to mind a certain quote from a 1960s song: "there is exactly one period of time to which any given object corresponds. This period of time is equal to one-fourth of one year. Gyrate, gyrate, gyrate." However, the only dictum we seem to be capable of adhering to is "Char, Char, Char." It is reminiscent of a smoldering cesspool in which dance music from the 1970s is played. I am merely proffering that we should endeavor for the harmonious coexistence of all Earth's peoples. Now let us revisit the refrain:

We are bombarding both the nation-state of Iraq and Osama bin Laden by means of explosive contrivances. In the future we are planning to use these same contrivances on the president of France as well as the woman who gave birth to you. As stated earlier, we are bombarding both Iraq and Osama bin Laden with explosive contrivances. When can we expect the cessation of this bombing campaign? Such an event is not scheduled to occur.

We are bombarding both the nation-state of Iraq and Osama bin Laden by means of explosive contrivances. In the future we are planning to use these same contrivances on the president of France as well as the woman who gave birth to you. As stated earlier, we are bombarding both Iraq and Osama bin Laden with explosive contrivances. We will stoop so low as to utilize such attacks against the junior Senator from Illinois.