Unless y'all been stuck in a lift in the belly of a whale at the bottom of the ocean, y'all probably heard of this dude Doug Weed and how over the course of several years he secretly taped phone conversations between him and President George (even back when he was just Governor George). So far he's only released a scant few of the tapes to the mainstream press, leaving most of us to wonder what salacious content remains hidden from the public. The tapes that the New York Times has reported on are, quite frankly, a bit disappointing in that private George proves to actually be a slightly more decent human being than public George. Luckily for y'all, Doug and I are tighter than Sir Fatty's belt. We go way back like Peabody and Sherman. Thus Doug has agreed to give me access to the remainder of the tapes, provided that I periodically make transcripts available on my blog (the very same blog which you are now reading!). I've been listening to the tapes all day; in fact, I even faked an injury so I could ditch work and devote more time to transcribing this jelly. And lemme just tell you, Mr. Weed's tapes are a bonanza of entertaining gaffes, incriminating admissions, and unexpected insights into facets of George's personality he had somehow heretofore managed to keep hidden from the masses. Without freddy ado, here's Volume One of the Weed Tapes: I Smoke Drugs.
George: Hello?
Weed: Hey there, Georgy Boy! How's it hanging?
George: Hello?
Weed: Yeah, George, it's me, your friend, Doug.
George: Who?
Weed: You know, Doug Weed, the former Special Assistant to the President during your father's term.
George: Ah yes, now I recall... Doug Weed, the author of the New York Times bestseller All the Presidents' Children and the co-founder, along with Pat Boone, of the relief organization Mercy Corps.
Weed: So what have you been up to lately?
George: Well, it sure is busy being the 43rd President of these United States. I barely have enough time to smoke drugs.
Weed: Are you saying that you, George Walker Bush, habitually engage in the burning and inhalation of illegal substances?
George: That is precisely what I am saying.
Weed: Well, this is some rather scandalous information.
George: I am aware of that. At times like this I feel lucky to have trustworthy confidantes such as yourself.
Weed: I hear you. But barely. Could you please speak up?
George: Pardon my hoarseness. The blunt which I am smoking has been laced with ketamine hydrochloride.
Weed: That's quite alright.
George: Hmm... these drugs are making me paranoid. You're not a narc, are you?
Weed: Of course not.
George: And you're not secretly taping this conversation, are you?
Weed: No way. Even if I were, there would be almost no way to prove that it's actually you. The White House could always just issue a denial, saying that the other voice on the tape is an impersonator. By the way, what's your birthday?
George: I was born on July 6, 1946, at roughly 5:30 AM. My mother's maiden name is Pierce.
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