Malice on loan from God

By now y'all probably heard of that earthquake down in Haiti what killed hundreds of thousands of people. That shit is indescribably terrible so I don't really have anything to say about it that can't be said betterly by someone who have more eloquent speakitude than I do. I'm just trying to do my part for the Haitians as best as I can, trying to improve their lives by harnessing the awesome power of the slam dunk. But shit y'all, turns out that my fellow NBA all-stars don't want to participate in my proposed charity slam dunk contest. Their refusal is unconscionably selfish if you ask me. I guess Kobe is too busy with his rapings and what not. Sheeeit.

But anyhow, as bad as all that is, I just fount out about something that is FAR WORSER! Check out what the head of the GOP, Rush Limbaugh, had to say about the earthquake. Dude be saying for us U.S. Americans not to donate to Haiti cuz we already do, in the form of the fejrul income task. Can y'all believe his igneous ass?!?!? I bet if an earthquake hit Palm Beach dude would be straight begging for donations. And then Rush made things even worse by claiming that the American government's quick response to the catastrophe was due to Barack Obama's desire to pander to the black community. Cuz yeah, Obama needs all the help he can get with the black community. I mean, it was disenchanted black independents who voted for Scott Brown in droves and ruined the Democrats' supermegamajority in the Senate, right? And black people sure are well represented in the Teabagger protests that have been spreading all over the country like wildfire. Bigoted, illiterate wildfire.

As if Rush hadn't made enough a fool of himself, he then went on to respond to a female caller's criticism by accusing her of having "tampons in [her] ears." Seriously. This happened. Upon hearing it, I assumed that either his knowledge of female anatomy was somewhat lacking, or he was a disgusting misogynist. But after listening to his show for a couple more minutes, torrents of blood spontaneously started gushing out of my ears. "Oh no, this is bad," I thought to myself. "I need blood in order to live." So I ran to the bathroom in a panic, frantically searching for something to stanch the flow. The blood loss was already substantial; dizziness and confusion began to set in, growing more intense with each passing moment. I fumbled through the medicine cabinet. Q-Tips. Too small. Tylenol gelcaps. Not absorbent. A box of Kleenex. Fuck, all out. Chattem's Icy-Hot. A brilliant product, to be sure, but not one with any useful application in this particular situation. Double-sided velour puff with satin ribbon. What the fuck is this for? Disposable razors. These will only make the problem worse. A jar of peanut butter. How did this get here? Nevermind. Time is running out. Surely, somewhere there must be--wait, what's this? A box of tampons? Ultra absorbent?! Hallelujah, I am saved! Oh, frabjous day! Thank the Heavens for menstruation! Bless Shaunie and her heavy flow! Like Sir Fatty at a buffet, I attacked my newfound motherlode, greedily clutching as many of the absorbent ivory saviors as my gargantuan hands could endure and violently stuffing them into my ear canals. Silence. Sweet, dry silence. At long last. I stood there panting, heart rate slackened as the fog of crisis gently ascended above my menstruating head, and began to reflect on my near-death experience. The tampons, having been crammed in so forcefully, provided a hermetic seal around my ears. Thus no sound could penetrate them, leaving only one sound for me to contemplate: the deep, resonant lull of the tampons themselves. Have you ever placed a conch shell to your ears? It's like that. In that brief moment a sense of calmness permeated me. I felt at peace with all Creation, even Kobe's punk ass. Sure, a lot of y'all have probably heard a tampon, but how many of y'all have actually listened to one? The epiphany was fleeting, however, as I had to exit the bathroom after little Shaquilla walked in and announced her need to make boom-boom. All of this is just a long-winded way of saying sorry to Rush. I now understand that your tampon comment was motivated not by misogyny, but by an awareness of the effects that listening to your repugnant tirades have on normal, rational people. However, that does not absolve you of responsibility for these other disgusting quotes:

-"Howard Zinn, JD Salinger, 200,000 Haitians...it's true what they say, death really does come in threes."

-"Black people? Isn't that an oxymoron???"

-"MORE FOOD!!! NOMNOM NOM NOM NOM NOMNOM NOM!!!"

Sue Dat!

What up mon peeps? Y'all heard of this thing called intellectual property? The NFL be saying that they own the trademark to the New Orleans Saints' cheer of choice, "Who Dat!", and are suing to prevent the phrase from being used on T-shirts. Now I ain't no lawyer, nor have I ever set foot in a law school, nor would I ever even consider doing so, but I gotta say that this lawsuit seems to me to be without merit. But again, what do I know? I'm just a 7'2" professional basketball player. For the Cleveland Cavs (editor's note: the NBA's effort to trademark the human calf muscle was rejected by the Ohio Supreme Court in 1987). It's bad enough that the NFL owns the color brown and the number 49, now we Saints fans have to deal with this ish right as we begin to prepare for the biggest moment in franchise history? How we supposed to stand up and get crunk if we can't even drunkenly chant WHO DAT! without paying a fee to the league office? Sean Payton, if you're reading this blog, take care of this please. Property is theft, ya feel me? Proper tea, on the other hand, is delicious.

Don't talk about playoffs

What it is, motherfuckers?!?!? Y'all heard of my playoff predictions? Turns out I got 3 out of 4 correct. Not bad if you ask me. Now if only I could make my free throws at a similar rate. Anyways, this weekend the NFL playoffs really get interesting. My NOLA Saints is playing Saturday afternoon against the defending NFC champs, the Urrzona Cardinals. If y'all remember, last year I was rooting for the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl on account of their religious mascot. But shit y'all, can't no Cardinal even compare to no Saint in terms of piety. Plus we got St. Buddy D. up in Heaven pulling strings with the man upstairs whose name is called God. It all adds up to an easy victory for the Saints, 57 (Ricky Jackson's old number) to 2 (Aaron Brooks' old number). CHA-CHING!

My other picks are as follows: the Minnesota Favres will lose to the Dallas Suishams. Tony Romo will get injured but fear not, Cowboys fans, for backup QB Jon Kitna will resurrect his career with a clutch 3 touchdown performance. Or possibly none of this will happen. Who knows? After all, I was wrong about the Cowboys game last week. Tangent: is anyone else really pissed off about the blatant sexism of Dallas' mascot? Why does it have to be a cow 'boy'? Why specify gender anyway? It will just make things that much more awkward for the first woman who signs to play for them.

In the AFC, Shaqdaddy predicts that the Colts will beat the Ravens, thereby denying Ballmer the chance to exact revenge on Indianapolis for stealing its team back in 1984. If I were a Baltimorean, I would really hate Indianapolis after Saturday. It just isn't fair for one city to constantly get the better of another. At least HBO decided at the last minute to relocate The Wire from Indianapolis to Baltimore. Few people know that Stringer Bell was originally intended to be a corn farmer.

The other AFC game will see the NY Jets upset the San Diego Chargers. Ladanlian um LaDanyia umm LoDaneeyus uhh LaDanliest erm LT is old and can't run no more, and Darren Sproles is the NFL equivalent of Muggsy Bogues. Plus I bet the Jets pick off Marmalard at least thrice, with Darrelle Revis returning one for a touchdown. Rex Ryan is prolly the fattest coach in NFL history, and that's gotta count for something.

In other news, y'all heard of that formerly gubernatorial lady up in Alaska named Sarah Palin? The one with all them kids? Man I was watching The O'Reilly Factory the other day and turns out she's now an analyst for FOX News!!! Sheeeeeit, how you luh dat!?!?

They come to town when the war is over

Hey y'all. Y'all heard of this thing called redundancy? It just occurred to me that during the last couple of years over 75% of my posts have started out with me apologizing for not posting often enough. Sheeeit. Well hopefully those days are gone pecans. Anyways, y'all heard of this thing called the NFL? It's a lot like the NBA, only with football. Also, it's a league instead of an association. But it certainly is national. Them fools be starting their playoff on this day. The format is single-elimination, which is stupid if you ask me. Everyone knows that quadruple-elimination is the way to go.

My favorite team is the NOLA Saints, who have a bye this week, so I'm not all that invested in this week's games. For those who want to know Big Aristotle's Picks of the Week, here they are: NY over Cincy, since tigers aren't allowed on planes; Philly over Dallas because Andy Reid is marginally more obese than Wade Phillips; Ballmer over New England because hmmm I guess because Catholic pride or what not; finally, Arizona over Green Bay because what the hell kind of bay is green anyway?, and also Kurt Warner is a god-fearing Christian and we all know Jeebus takes an active interest in the outcome of sporting events. Speaking along those lines, my boy Bron-Bron must've been watching a little bit too much Brit Hume because he keeps on bugging me to convert to Christianity. He says that the first step to improving my free throw percentage is accepting Jesus Christ into my heart. Man fuck that noise I say. I got like one whole foot on that Jesus dude plus ain't no way could he stop my sweet drop step. I am honored to uphold the proud tradition of great Muslamican players in the NBA, such as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Hakeem Olajuwon, Mahmood Abdul-Rauf, and Muhammad Ali.

Twenty Ten

Yo yo what up mon peeps??? Y'all heard of this thing called the 2010?!?!? That's the year what it just turned last week. Sorry I ain't been updating my blog, but shit y'all got to understand I got like 5 or 6 better things to do. It's like when Vahndo said to me, "Now Shaqtus, you know you got your blog updating to do, you gone get dat done, when you gone get dat done?" and I, while frenetically masturbating, replied "EVENTUALLY!". So yeah that's what's up with me these days, what about y'all? Is y'all excited about this here new year that the media been talking about?

New Year's was also close to my boy Bron-Bron's birthday so he celebrated that shit by getting a double-double against the Hawks. I did my part by getting a single-double. I was only 7 assists away from a double-double though. Suddenly I'm hungry for some Wendy's. Now I suddenly want to read Peter Pan, or the Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up. That's what subliminal advertising will do to you. Now I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If I were Peter Pan, I would totally want to grow up because how else you gonna get drafted number #1 by the Orlando Magic? Have I mentioned that before, the fact that I was drafted first overall in 1992?

In other news, today I was watching the Weather Channel and the weatherwoman said "Here's your national forecast for this week, and what an active week it's gonna be, especially in terms of weather."