Feeding tube follies

Oh shit y'all, turns out they removed Terri Schiavo's feeding tube just so they could give it to the Pope! How you luh dat? Culture of Life strikes again! Well at least the Pope has a jobby job so he can pay for it hisself.

But seriously, as a liberal I am very threatened by this turn of events. Just when we thought we had succeeded in our diabolical plot to use rogue judges and other extralegal means to rid the world of the feeding tube menace, BAM!, those wily conservatives hit us with the old switcharoo! We liberals were so busy throwing self-congratulatory victory parties for having killed Terri Schiavo that we let our guard down. For shame. Sure, the killing of one innocent and helpless soul is always great, but let's please keep our eyes on the prize. We must not waver in our quest to deny basic comfort to all of the most defenseless in our midst. We are at a critical juncture; the Conservatives, renowned as they are for their principled, fair-minded compassion, are gaining more and more converts to their side. Now is not the time for inaction. Remember; united we stand, divided we sit.

Feeding tubes may well be the downfall of civilization as we know it. They provide sustenance to and prolong the lives of those who cannot fend for themselves, so obviously they are anathema to all liberals. I feel we are perilously close to embarking down a slippery slope. First the Pope is provided sustenance by artificial means, and then what? Man-on-dog sex, that's what!!! We liberals, being so entrenched in the Culture of Death, cannot afford to waste any time before we start fighting to get the Pope's feeding tube removed. I feel this opportunity was sent to us by God himself-- can you imagine a more high profile way of spreading our pro-death, pro-suffering, anti-compassion, anti-Pope message than spearheading a campaign to deny sustenance to a Parkinson's-addled, fresh-out-of-the-emergency room old man who also happens to be the preeminent spiritual figure to hundreds of millions of Catholics around the globe!?! My soul is quivering at the mere thought of it.

I just wish that John Kerry had had the courage to delineate a hardline policy towards feeding tubes. Then more progressive liberals might've voted for him instead of putting in a write-in vote for 'sodomy', and we wouldn’t be in this mess today. *Whew* I'm too worked up about this, I gotta go treat myself to an abortion and cool down. Toodles!