Nothing Compares 2 U2

At least that's what "The Sports Guy" over at ESPN's Page 2 says. In a recent column he examines the "musician/athlete game". This game is really simple, uninteresting, and pointless: you just pick a band or singer and determine what athlete they would be. For example, Bruce Springsteen is Larry Bird, Elton John is Pete Maravich, Wilco is Sasha Cohen, Ashlee Simpson is Jeff Kent, Fred Durst is the 1997 Denver Nuggets, the Beatles are Padraig Harrington, and Shaq-Fu is me. However, according to the Sports Guy, U2 is no one. He thinks that their reliability, longevity, superhuman talent, and penchant for reinventing themselves render them without any analogues in the world of sports. I disagree. Has the Sports Guy never heard of FRANK THOMAS??? If he had done any research whatsover he would have seen that the parallels are striking.

U2 has been releasing albums since 1980. Their debut was a masterpiece and they have never really let up. While their best work may be behind them, they have at least another good 7-10 years before senility beckons. Frank Thomas has been in the major leagues for FIFTEEN years. In his first full season he had 32 homers, 109 runs batted in, 138 walks, and an OPS of 1.006. His OPS last year, at the age of 36, was .997. Hardly any drop off at all. He'll probably be around for a couple more years, eventually reaching 500 career homers. Fuck yeah.

In 1988 U2 released Rattle and Hum. The next album they released was 1991's Achtung Baby. They were nominated for Album of the Year at the 1992 Grammys but lost out to Eric Clapton, a known cocaine user. In 1999 Frank Thomas hit only 15 homers and drove in 77 runs. The next year he hit 43 homers and drove in 143 runs but finished second in the MVP voting to a steroidal Jason Giambi. Incidentally, the Grammy for best Traditional Pop Performance in 1992 went to Tony Bennett for his album Perfectly Frank.

Bono's talents are not confined merely to music. He is a Renaissance Man renowned for his tireless efforts to advance various progressive causes and improve the lives of billions. He also wrote the sceenplay for the movie Million Dollar Hotel. For his boundless munificence he was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. However, he lost that as well to Eric Clapton, a known cocaine user. Frank Thomas's talents are also far greater in scope than those of his peers. After seeing him belt 400-foot home runs it is easy to forget that during offseasons he pursued his PhD in American History from the University of Chicago. He is considered to be one of the most astute writers of culture and politics in the nation, authoring books on topics as diverse as the cooptation and dilution of counterculture movements by insidious corporations and how to swing like a pro and master the art of hitting curveballs. His latest book caused such a furor when it was published last summer that he had to sit out an entire series against the Kansas City Royals.

Frank Thomas was born on May 27, 1968 in Columbus, GA. So was Larry Mullen Jr.

QED.