Feeding tube follies

Oh shit y'all, turns out they removed Terri Schiavo's feeding tube just so they could give it to the Pope! How you luh dat? Culture of Life strikes again! Well at least the Pope has a jobby job so he can pay for it hisself.

But seriously, as a liberal I am very threatened by this turn of events. Just when we thought we had succeeded in our diabolical plot to use rogue judges and other extralegal means to rid the world of the feeding tube menace, BAM!, those wily conservatives hit us with the old switcharoo! We liberals were so busy throwing self-congratulatory victory parties for having killed Terri Schiavo that we let our guard down. For shame. Sure, the killing of one innocent and helpless soul is always great, but let's please keep our eyes on the prize. We must not waver in our quest to deny basic comfort to all of the most defenseless in our midst. We are at a critical juncture; the Conservatives, renowned as they are for their principled, fair-minded compassion, are gaining more and more converts to their side. Now is not the time for inaction. Remember; united we stand, divided we sit.

Feeding tubes may well be the downfall of civilization as we know it. They provide sustenance to and prolong the lives of those who cannot fend for themselves, so obviously they are anathema to all liberals. I feel we are perilously close to embarking down a slippery slope. First the Pope is provided sustenance by artificial means, and then what? Man-on-dog sex, that's what!!! We liberals, being so entrenched in the Culture of Death, cannot afford to waste any time before we start fighting to get the Pope's feeding tube removed. I feel this opportunity was sent to us by God himself-- can you imagine a more high profile way of spreading our pro-death, pro-suffering, anti-compassion, anti-Pope message than spearheading a campaign to deny sustenance to a Parkinson's-addled, fresh-out-of-the-emergency room old man who also happens to be the preeminent spiritual figure to hundreds of millions of Catholics around the globe!?! My soul is quivering at the mere thought of it.

I just wish that John Kerry had had the courage to delineate a hardline policy towards feeding tubes. Then more progressive liberals might've voted for him instead of putting in a write-in vote for 'sodomy', and we wouldn’t be in this mess today. *Whew* I'm too worked up about this, I gotta go treat myself to an abortion and cool down. Toodles!

Jesus is my homeboy

Whassup peoples? Happy Belated Easter to all deez Christian fools!!! Man, y'all Christians is lucky…seems y'all be havin y'allselves a moligious holiday like urry month. My Muslim ass only gets two a year. Sorry for y'all that Terri Schiavo didn’t do her Jesus impression to rise from the braindead and regain consciousness on Easter like y'all was planning for her to do. But at least she got to receive liquified communion all up in her feedings tube. Yum yum. I just hope it was wasn’t gluten-free, so she don’t go to Hell. I like how all them crazies is tranah break into her room and give her water to keep her alive. Water which would either choke her or go straight into her lungs. But I gotta give y'all mad props, doing God's work down here on Urf. If Jesus ain't gonna come down and help y'all, y'all best to take matters into y'all own hands. I wonder what it'll be like when Jesus finally shows up...

(harp glissando)
Jesus: 'Sup, Girl? How you be livin?
Terri:
Jesus: Chillin? That's cool.
Terri: (blinks)
Jesus: My Pops? He's doing fine, but his new wife's a bitch.
Terri:
Jesus: Uh huh, and she's young enough to be my sister. I'm pretty sure I went to high school with her.
Terri:
Jesus: Thanks, you're probably right. Anyway, girl, I been hearing all about you on the news. You must be hungry. Here. I brought you a turkey sandwich.
Terri: (blinks)
Jesus: Damn, Girl, just eat it! You gotta appear before Congress tomorrow, you're gonna need the energy!
Terri:
Jesus: Don't try to change the subject!
Terri:
Jesus: I'm just waiting for the right girl! We've been through this already!
Terri:
Jesus: Well what about you?!?!?! Your dance card isn't exactly full, is it, bitch?!?
Terri:
Jesus: Quit trying to change the subject!!!
Terri: (blinks)
Jesus: Fine then! See if I ever do you a favor again!

...and then he storms out in a huff.

So anyways, homegirl's 'rents is calling this whole situation "judicial homicide". I hope henceforth all them peoples refer to the death penalty as "judicial homicide" as well. And all Congressionally approved cutbacks in health care, AIDS research, and pollution control can be considered "legislative homicide". This calls to mind one of my favorite quotes of all time: "Life is precious, and God and the Bible."

On a lighter note, much fun was had on Sunday afternoon doing some Easter activities with the kids. We don't do the typical marshmallow Peep eating/Easter egg hunting bullshit on account of it's blasphemous. It takes away from the true religious significance of the day, plus rabbits don't even lay eggs. So instead we went to a fashion show down at South Beach entitled The Fashion of the Christ. The new Spring fashions are in!!! The show started out auspiciously enough with Mary Magdalene looking enchanting in her white knit top with crocheted bell sleeves, but when she changed into a faux leopard camisole, I thought it was a bit much. Hello, this is South Beach, not the Serengeti (oh I'm so bad!). Of course, the climax was when they finally unveiled this season's new line of crowns. Kudos, Jesus! Whoever would have thought it was possible to exhibit such elan while wearing a crown of thorns? More impressively, whoever would have thought Jesus would have such nice abs?

"Ain't got no job, but I stay Schiavo"

Yo y'all heard of that braindead lady they got on that feeding tube down in Florida? Man, that shit is important! It's probably the most important issue our government has had to deal with since the ratification of the Constitution, although that steroid shit is pretty important too. Can you imagine how much pressure them cats in Congress must be feeling now? Two of the most pivotal issues in the history of mankind, and both within the same week! I heard on tha newsy news that President George even cut his vacation short to come sign a bill giving the federal gubmint jurisdiction over her case. It's a good thing her name isn't Osama, cause elsewise George would still be in Crawford clearing brush.

Now I know some of my fanny fans is wondering about my opinions on this jelly. I don’t think we hard-working taxpayers should be subsidizising her hydration and nutrition. She ain't got no job!!! This lady is the ultimate welfare queen, lying there like a persistent vegetable. Get a job, woman!!! There's people starving in the ghetto working two jobs who would love to be hooked up to a feeding tube. How come this lady (who happens to be white) gets to wine and dine while we (the hard-working taxpayers who work hard and pay our taxes) foot the bill? I pay my taxes! Shit, give that feeding tube to Sir Fatty, I'm sure he could put it to good use.

What does y'all be thinking about this issue?

March Bazhness

Yo, how it is up in this?!?! Happy St. Patrick's Day to all my Catholic motherfuckaz!!! That goes double for my newest fan/commenter, Larry Mullen Jr. He's the drummer in a rock band called the U2's. I nominate Bono to replace Pope John Paul tha Deuce! Yo, Larry, big congrats on being inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame! That shit ain't easy. Little Anthony and the Teddy Bears aren't even in the Hall of Fame. Neither are Uncle Ho and the Roast Beef Sandwiches. Nor Pete Rose.

Y'all filled out y'alls brackets yet? You goan get dat done, when you goan get dat done?

Have a nice weekand.

Nothing Compares 2 U2

At least that's what "The Sports Guy" over at ESPN's Page 2 says. In a recent column he examines the "musician/athlete game". This game is really simple, uninteresting, and pointless: you just pick a band or singer and determine what athlete they would be. For example, Bruce Springsteen is Larry Bird, Elton John is Pete Maravich, Wilco is Sasha Cohen, Ashlee Simpson is Jeff Kent, Fred Durst is the 1997 Denver Nuggets, the Beatles are Padraig Harrington, and Shaq-Fu is me. However, according to the Sports Guy, U2 is no one. He thinks that their reliability, longevity, superhuman talent, and penchant for reinventing themselves render them without any analogues in the world of sports. I disagree. Has the Sports Guy never heard of FRANK THOMAS??? If he had done any research whatsover he would have seen that the parallels are striking.

U2 has been releasing albums since 1980. Their debut was a masterpiece and they have never really let up. While their best work may be behind them, they have at least another good 7-10 years before senility beckons. Frank Thomas has been in the major leagues for FIFTEEN years. In his first full season he had 32 homers, 109 runs batted in, 138 walks, and an OPS of 1.006. His OPS last year, at the age of 36, was .997. Hardly any drop off at all. He'll probably be around for a couple more years, eventually reaching 500 career homers. Fuck yeah.

In 1988 U2 released Rattle and Hum. The next album they released was 1991's Achtung Baby. They were nominated for Album of the Year at the 1992 Grammys but lost out to Eric Clapton, a known cocaine user. In 1999 Frank Thomas hit only 15 homers and drove in 77 runs. The next year he hit 43 homers and drove in 143 runs but finished second in the MVP voting to a steroidal Jason Giambi. Incidentally, the Grammy for best Traditional Pop Performance in 1992 went to Tony Bennett for his album Perfectly Frank.

Bono's talents are not confined merely to music. He is a Renaissance Man renowned for his tireless efforts to advance various progressive causes and improve the lives of billions. He also wrote the sceenplay for the movie Million Dollar Hotel. For his boundless munificence he was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. However, he lost that as well to Eric Clapton, a known cocaine user. Frank Thomas's talents are also far greater in scope than those of his peers. After seeing him belt 400-foot home runs it is easy to forget that during offseasons he pursued his PhD in American History from the University of Chicago. He is considered to be one of the most astute writers of culture and politics in the nation, authoring books on topics as diverse as the cooptation and dilution of counterculture movements by insidious corporations and how to swing like a pro and master the art of hitting curveballs. His latest book caused such a furor when it was published last summer that he had to sit out an entire series against the Kansas City Royals.

Frank Thomas was born on May 27, 1968 in Columbus, GA. So was Larry Mullen Jr.

QED.

The Weed Tapes, Volume 2

This is Part 2 of Heatblog's exclusive transcripts of the secretly recorded phone conversations between George W. Bush and Doug Weed. The following conversation took place a few months ago. (Part one can be found here).

George: Hullo?
Weed: Hiya George!
George: Who's this?
Weed: It's me, Doug!
George: Oh.
Weed: What up?
George: I met this nice Hispanical man the other day. His name was Alberto. He's nice.
Weed: Cool.
George: Yeah.
Weed: What's his last name?
George: His skin was darker than mine.
Weed: You don't say.
George: We watched the game together, then we went karaoking. He performed an extraordinary rendition of Eternal Flame. I think I'm gonna make him my new Attorney General. He sings better than the old one.
Weed: Yeah, that's swell. Say, anything really embarassing you might want to share with me?
George: I just noticed my daughters don’t look very much alike for twins
Weed: Uh-huh.
George: I'm beginning to get suspicious.
Weed: Fa sho.