The internets are fuming, and rightly so, over the White House invitation Michelle Obama extended to Chicago-based poet Common. I'm not familiar with this "Common" (that CAN'T be his real name?), but my sources say he apparently raps hip-hop and writes poetry in the urban vernacular. I feel like I vaguely remember him from somewhere, but I can't quite place it. Oh well. Hopefully it'll come to me later, right now I gotta go hop in my Lincoln Navigator and take a quick trip down to the Gap.
Commongate may seem ridiculously ignorant and even a little racist by some, but I actually agree with Sarah Palin et al on this one. Rhyming is an abomination. If God had intended for words to rhyme, he would have created Steve and Eve, not Adam and Eve. These intemperate "poets" and their libertine "poetry" are to blame for America's decline. Back in my day everyone was illiterate and our entire vocabulary consisted of just 5 verbs and 7 nouns, none of which rhymed, and by gum we liked it that way! This was before the war, mind you, and before all them Yankee carpetbaggers done come round these parts with their fancy book-larnin', corrupting us with their elitist diction and Ivy League indoor plumbing. WHAT I LACK IN VOCABULARY I MAKE UP FOR IN VOLUME!!!
Some liberals are saying that this whole toot about Common is yet another manifestation of white Conservatives' constant but usually concealed anxiety with all things urban (except for Keith Urban). But honestly, so what if Conservatives are afraid of black people? So what if every time they hear the word "rap" they immediately go into a Pavlovian fit, clutching their purses, flooring their SUVs, and fleeing to the sterile safety and empty opulence of their gated, McMansioned communities? I mean, I'm afraid of the dark, does that make me a racist? Sometimes it's just common (ha!) sense to be afraid of things that are dangerous. And Common, being as gangster as they come, is obviously dangerous. You might even say he's a menace to society. I've even seen pictures of him wearing a do-rag and jewelry. Can you imagine that? A grown man wearing jewelry? My word! Having poets visit the White House sends the wrong message to kids. Dancing outside the White House like bloodthirsty buffoons to celebrate shooting someone in the face, however...
*cf.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Trumpty Dumpty
Man y'all heard of that reality TV star/quadruple bankruptee Donald Trump and how he was supposably gonna run for President? Democrats were excited about his candidacy because a Trump victory in the Republican primary would all but assure an Obama victory in the 2012 presidential election and Republicans were excited about his candidacy because, well, they're Republicans and frankly nothing they think or do should surprise anyone anymore. Unfortunately he's decided to not run after all. As a fan of train wrecks and public humiliation, I'm a bit disappointed. But I can't figure out any rational reason why Trump thought he had even a sliver of a chance in the first place. He's repulsive in every way. Who thought running him was a good idea? Let's see, unemployment is one of the country's biggest problems, so who do we get to run for president? Ooh, I know, someone whose catch phrase is "You're Fired". That'll really resonate with the American people. Might as well get that crazy dude from Iran to run. What's his name, Mahmoud Ammaneedajob? Yeah, him.
Friday, May 13, 2011
POP POP!
Y'all heard of this thing called TELEVISION??? Regular readers of my blog know that my favorite TV show is Smallsville, but check it y'all, the series finale is tonight! Needles to say I'm disappointed, but really that show has been going downhill ever since they got rid of Pete. My second favorite TV show is Arrested Development (not to be confused with Artested Development, a short-lived, Odd Couple inspired sitcom starring Ron Artest and Andrew Bynum as roommates in a rehab center for violent rageaholics). Unfortunately, Arrested Development only lasted 3 seasons, which is one season fewer than I lasted with Orlando. With my two favorite shows both being cancelled, I figured I'ma need to find me a new favorite show soon so last night I started flipping through the channels. Lucky for me I found this show called Community. They got this awesome character I think his name is Magnetdude or something but anyway he just busts into rooms and is all like PLOP PLOP and it's so awesome. So then I started thinking what if they brought back Arrested Development and they did an Arrested Development/Community crossover episode? It would be as disgustingly unfair to the competition as this year's Miami Heat but way more awesome. LIke maybe GOB could take his talents to Greendale and start a branch of the Magician's Alliance there. And a bunch of doves would fly out of Starburns' top hat. Or something.
"The mere fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready."
"The mere fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready."
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Notorious O.B.L.
Aww shit y'all heard of this dude Osama bin Laden? That's the dude what was the most wanted man in the world for like 15 years or some such. Anyways just the other day the U.S. done kilt him up good, which you've probably heard about by now unless you've been living in a cave. Speaking of living in caves, guess who wasn't??? Yeah everyone was thinking that Osama was hiding out somewheres in Afghanistan but all along he was really just chilling in a million dollar, three story mansion in the middle of a bustling, upscale Pakistani city named after some British dude (who, however successful a military man he may have been, was perhaps the worst poet ever).
I guess it's too early to accurately assess the full significance of bin Laden's death. Some athletes are even saying that maybe Osama didn't have anything to do with 9/11, that it was all a conspiracy masterminded by the U.S. government. After all, 9/11 happened PRECISELY ON SEPTEMBER 11TH!!! Of all the dates Nine Eleven could have fallen on, what are the odds of it occurring EXACTLY on September 11th? That can't just be coincidental, can it? If Rashard Mendenhall and the Truthers are right then Osama's death shouldn't have much of an effect on the War on Terror. However, I take Osama's word that he and al Qaeda were responsible for 9/11, so I think that Osama's death will inevitably have a huge impact on the War on Terror.
So that brings up the question, exactly what kind of impact? Can we Americans finally stop pissing our collective pants? Will al Qaeda collapse without its star point guard/head coach? Who will replace him? Will this situation resemble this year's Cleveland Cavaliers, when LeBenedict James took his talents to South Beach and was replaced by Joey Graham, leading to a 42-game decline? Or will it be more like the San Antonio Spurs of the late 90s when David Robinson passed the torch to Tim Duncan, resulting in the Spurs winning 4 titles over the next decade?
Unfortunately for al Qaeda, I predict the former. Without its brilliant head coach/point guard, I just don't see any way al Qaeda will be able to maintain its dominance of the Islamic Terror League. There are too many other demented and unhinged organizations that would love to take over al Qaeda's role as the preeminent terrorist group in the world, including al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Lashkar-e-Taiba, Hezbollah, Ansar al-Islam, and the Los Angeles Lakers. Looking at al Qaeda's current roster, I'm struck by their lack of young talent and quality depth. Lately they just haven't been able to attract the top young terrorist talent in free agency. I blame this on their coaching staff's inability to adjust to the needs of today's potential terrorists. It used to be easy to seduce young recruits with the promise of a generous retirement plan, but you know Muslim youth nowadays, they care more about designer jeans and fancy iPods than 72 virgins and eternity in Paradise. The terrorists of today want to work for someone who can recite Nas, not the Quran. They want Lil Wayne, not Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. It seems that Osama learned this lesson, albeit a little too late. Among the documents Navy Seals found in his compound were rough drafts of what U.S. military intelligence officers have identified as "jihad recruitment raps".
Yo it's me/ MC/
Osama/ comma/
bin Laden/ I been plottin'/ hustlin'
Finnuh unite all Muslims/
Against these crazy U.S. imperialists/
I make a call/ to yuh all/ in all seriousness/
From Baghdad to Syria/
Beirut to Liberia/
Come join my movement, among the criteria/
is you can't be down with them whack-ass Americans/
We gots to take back our land and bomb all they garrisons/
Assassinate they public figures/
Then go and celebrate with all my Muslim niggas/
I just hope he doesn't come out with any posthumous albums.
...or posthumous terrorist attacks.
I guess it's too early to accurately assess the full significance of bin Laden's death. Some athletes are even saying that maybe Osama didn't have anything to do with 9/11, that it was all a conspiracy masterminded by the U.S. government. After all, 9/11 happened PRECISELY ON SEPTEMBER 11TH!!! Of all the dates Nine Eleven could have fallen on, what are the odds of it occurring EXACTLY on September 11th? That can't just be coincidental, can it? If Rashard Mendenhall and the Truthers are right then Osama's death shouldn't have much of an effect on the War on Terror. However, I take Osama's word that he and al Qaeda were responsible for 9/11, so I think that Osama's death will inevitably have a huge impact on the War on Terror.
So that brings up the question, exactly what kind of impact? Can we Americans finally stop pissing our collective pants? Will al Qaeda collapse without its star point guard/head coach? Who will replace him? Will this situation resemble this year's Cleveland Cavaliers, when LeBenedict James took his talents to South Beach and was replaced by Joey Graham, leading to a 42-game decline? Or will it be more like the San Antonio Spurs of the late 90s when David Robinson passed the torch to Tim Duncan, resulting in the Spurs winning 4 titles over the next decade?
Unfortunately for al Qaeda, I predict the former. Without its brilliant head coach/point guard, I just don't see any way al Qaeda will be able to maintain its dominance of the Islamic Terror League. There are too many other demented and unhinged organizations that would love to take over al Qaeda's role as the preeminent terrorist group in the world, including al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Lashkar-e-Taiba, Hezbollah, Ansar al-Islam, and the Los Angeles Lakers. Looking at al Qaeda's current roster, I'm struck by their lack of young talent and quality depth. Lately they just haven't been able to attract the top young terrorist talent in free agency. I blame this on their coaching staff's inability to adjust to the needs of today's potential terrorists. It used to be easy to seduce young recruits with the promise of a generous retirement plan, but you know Muslim youth nowadays, they care more about designer jeans and fancy iPods than 72 virgins and eternity in Paradise. The terrorists of today want to work for someone who can recite Nas, not the Quran. They want Lil Wayne, not Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. It seems that Osama learned this lesson, albeit a little too late. Among the documents Navy Seals found in his compound were rough drafts of what U.S. military intelligence officers have identified as "jihad recruitment raps".
Yo it's me/ MC/
Osama/ comma/
bin Laden/ I been plottin'/ hustlin'
Finnuh unite all Muslims/
Against these crazy U.S. imperialists/
I make a call/ to yuh all/ in all seriousness/
From Baghdad to Syria/
Beirut to Liberia/
Come join my movement, among the criteria/
is you can't be down with them whack-ass Americans/
We gots to take back our land and bomb all they garrisons/
Assassinate they public figures/
Then go and celebrate with all my Muslim niggas/
I just hope he doesn't come out with any posthumous albums.
...or posthumous terrorist attacks.
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