Thanksgiving

Shit y'all, I'm sorry I ain't been posting much lately, but this here divorce I been going through has taken up most of my time. There's also this thing called basketball that I've also been busy with lately.

But shit y'all heard of that thing known as the Thanksgiving???? Man this nation done celebrated that shit last week. Since the divorce ain't no one been cooking for me, so instead of the usual turkey dinner with all the fixins, I had to settle for sitting on the couch eating Nestle's Crunch and saltines. I guess you could say I had more crackers than the Mayflower. Lucky for me they was rerunning Home Alone on the television screen. I love that part when that little dude gets left home alone. That shit cracks me up everytime. What I don't love is the fact that my Heat are in last place right now at 3-10. That shit ain't my fault, though. I'm making over 50% of my three frows. I also don't love how my beloved alma mater Ellis Shoe done lost their chance to win the BCS championship. Man if I had another year of eligibility I totally could've played nose tacke and kept Darren McFadden in check. Irish people can't even play football worth shit anyway. Ain't y'all seen Notre Dame this year?

So anyways what do y'all been thankful for this year? I'm thankful that I live in Miami and not Chicago, which is a shithole.

I need some Icy-Hot for my heart

What up all my illiterate fags?!?!?! How y'all be livin???? Sorry I ain't been posting in a minute or two, but I been busy with some marital woes. Y'all heard of this thing known as the divorce? Me and my wife is about to do that shit right quick. Man she was like my point guard, in life. She would always feed me the rock when I was open in the post, in life. But now I guess I fouled out. Or maybe I got called for travelling, or a 3 second violation. Man these refs don't know shit. They let Erick Dampier hack at me whenever I get the ball in the paint, but if I so much as breathe on Zydrunas Ilgauskas, I get called for a foul. I blame Tim Donaghy. There, I said it. Tim Donaghy, your punk ass just cost me my marriage.

Shaunie, please renew my contract. I know I'm 35 and have a bum knee, but I swear I can still put up 20 and 10 for the next 5 years, at least. CAREER AVERAGE OF 2.5 BLOCKS A GAME, BAYBEE!!! You know I can still bring it. Maybe I didn't do the little things to make our marriage work, like buy you flowers or frequently tell you how much I love you or give you foot massages or practice shooting free throws, but things will be different if you give me another chance, I promise. Baby please take me back. I feel like I just tore my ACL, in life. To ease the pain maybe I'll start scouting some local colleges for a new point guard. I just wish the NBA hadn't recently increased its minimum age to 19. Maybe I'll find someone else after all, but I'd hate to be wearing another team's jersey when I get inducted into the Hall of Fame. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Shit this metaphor done got extended more than the deadlines on my term papers back at LSU.

I just hope the kids take it well. Shaquette, Shaquilla, Dayquille, and Karmel, always remember: Daddy and Mommy love you very much and in no way is our impending divorce y'alls fault. Please dig that.

Offseason

Shit y'all heard of this basketball team known as the Chicago Bulls??? Fuck them. Man, can y'all believe that my Heat got swept by those scrubs? They don't even got Michael Jordan or Bill Wennington anymore! Last year we beat them easily, but I guess getting rid of Luke Schenscher turned them into a powerhouse. I'd like to see Luol Deng play a rapping genie in a classic children's movie.

Oh man I was watching the Spurs-Nuggets game and Robert Horry just made another clutch shot. I think that's like the five thousandth of his career. It's uncanny how good he is at making three pointers with the game on the line. I think he's my new favorite player because after he made the shot TNT cut to an interview they had conducted with him earlier where he said something like his secret to making clutch shots is knowing that his friends and family are still going to love him no matter what, even if he misses the big shot. What a complete weirdo. I bet Tim Hardaway is glad he never played with him.

Anyway y'all heard of this thing called the RACISMS??? Man the NBA is full of that shit four eel. They just released this study that said that NBA refs are racist in calling fouls. I bet that's why my Heat lost to the Bulls. Let's see...on my team we got me, and I'm black, ma boy Dwyane is black, Antoine Walker...black, and Udonis Haslem is so black that when he went to night school he was marked absent. Meanwhile, who do the Bulls have on their team? Andres Nocioni...white, Kirk Heinrich...white, Viktor Khryapa is all kinds of white, and Martynas Andriuskevicius is so pale everytime he gets an idea the top of his head gets sunburned.

Some stuff, finally

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I've been really busy with finals. Um, I mean playoffs! NBA playoffs! Definitely not law school finals. But, uh, hopefully we'll win our next few series and eventually reach the Finals like we did last year. Because this is Shaq Daddy posting. Not anyone else.

Anyway, I decided to finally start posting again because everyone's favorite Homosexual Jew, Spencer James, recently updated his blog after an eleven million year hiatus!!! Hooray!!! Just in time for the gayest month of the year, Gay, I mean May. HA HA y'all get that shit??? It rhymes! Just like March is the starchiest month, June is the looniest month, August is the doggest month, and February is the second gayest month. Rhyming is fun! I enjoy it!!!

So over at James Spencer's blog, he wrote a little bit about his thoughts on the whole Virginia Tech massacre. I really don't have anything to add except that I disagree with the point he makes about the irrelevance of Seung Hui-Cho's nationality. I think the fact that he's from South Korea bears mentioning because it definitely affected the aftermath of the massacre. You can tell that a lot of people wanted very badly to use this massacre as an excuse to hate on Koreans, but they couldn't quite commit to it. The pre-existing stereotypes about Koreans just aren't conducive to fostering a climate of reflexive fear-mongering. Dry cleaning, kimchi, good at math & violin, blah blahblah etc... there's not much grist for the paranoid race baiting mill. So hopefully now even the most reactionary xenophobe will step back and admit that ethnicity or citizenship status or religion or any of that superficial census data form shit can't always explain why people do the things they do.

Reading a lot of the crazier right-wing blogs, I noticed a palpable sense of disappointment that Cho wasn't North Korean. You just know that if Hee Seop Choi had been North Korean we would be bombing the shit out of Pyongyang right now. I mean, England and France were embroiled in war for one hundred years just because French paparazzi killed Princess Di. Luckily Joan of Arc punched out some cameraman at Orleans, or else we'd all be speaking English now.

But the best thing for the right-wingers would be if Cho had been Muslamic. Man, can you imagine how awesome that would have been??? Ah well, a man can dream...Hey wait "Korean" is awfully close to "Koran"!!! Is that too tenuous a link? Oh shit I hope Presnident George doesn't read my blog or else we liable to start bombing on that Iranic country. I say we shouldn't stereotype people based on their nation of origin because then shit like this happens. People think just because you're from Iran or Iraq or Pakistan you're a terrorist, when the truth is that the reason you're a terrorist is because you're Muslim. J/k folks, that's what we in the NBA call sarcasm. Chillax. But anyway, I ain't never seen no Eskimo blow shit up with a suicide dogsled bomb. And that's proof of something.

Tim Hardaway doesn't care about gay people

Damn y'all seen what that dude Tim Hardaway said about them homosexual folk? That shit was straight igneous. I say if Derek Jeter can play in the MLB, then ain't nothing wrong with gay folk playing in the NBA. I'm ashamed on behalf of my team. I never thought that a former Miami Heat player could utter such hateful statements. I hope our fans don't get the wrong idea. The Miami Heat actually have a long and proud history of reaching out to the gay community. The scariest part of all this is seeing the latent hate of the average American sports fan be unleashed. Check out the comments to this ESPN article. Freaky, huh?

I don't see why an NBA player would be so adamantly anti- showering with gay males. I mean, shit, all team sports are inherently homoerotic. Damn Tim, I know you wanted to prove that you won't suck up to the homosexual community no matter how hard they try to shove their agenda down your throat, but seriously, get over yourself. You play a sport where teams of men wearing color coordinated outfits spend most of their time dribbling balls. There's even a position called "power forward". Maybe if we let gay men serve on the US national team we might actually beat Lithuania once in a while.

The explosion will be of extraordinary magnitude

Shit y'all, man, fuck. Finally we've recovered from our long national nightmare of terroristical aquateen advertisements. I had to wait a couple of weeks to post anything just in case the internets weren't yet safe again.

So hopefully by now y'all have emerged safely from y'all's bomb shelters. What happened in Boston the other day just goes to show how vulnerable we really are in this post-9/11 world. I knew it was only a matter of time before them Al Qaedans harvested the awesome terroristable potential of magnetic lighted extraterrestial cartoon character advertisements. I always suspected that Ignignokt was a muslamicist since he's green and green is Profit Mohammed's favorite color. I'd like to shake the hand of the hero who alerted the Boston police of the looming danger to our lives and livelihoods and the liveliness of our hoods. I'm pretty sure Osama has something to do with why the Celtics just lost 18 games in a row.

This whole ordeal has taught me to be more vigilant in my everyday life. I just noticed that they got all these blinking lights of various colors placed at regular intervals all over Miami. It's out of hand, almost like every block or something. Looking back, I seem to recall that they had those very same kinds of lights in Baton Rouge, Orlando, and Los Angeles. The terroristical threat is nationwide, I fear. We must put an end to it before it puts an end to us.

We smoke as we shoot the bird!

New Orleans Saints Number One on the Field

Awww jeeeaahhhh say y'all heard of these New Orleans Saints?!?!?!? The Saints comin' back, Tom Benson where you at?? We just beat the Philadeplia Eagles and now we finnuh go to the NFC Championship Game for the first time ever! That game was close but y'all saw that tackle Scott Fajita made on 3rd and 1??? CHARLES GRANT A MONSTER HOW HE BUST THROUGH THE LINE!!! The best team in the league, what you know about that??? Super Bowl Bound!

Man I remember when I was in college in Louisiana in the early 90s even if we were lucky enough to make the playoffs we would lose in the first round every time. Not no more. Dynasty, you all, and you heard it here first. So anyway, who does y'all think will win this week's game? HA HA just kidding that was a rhetorical question. Tubby Smith should go back to coaching college basketball cause ain't no way his Bears is gonna even come close to making this a competitive game. Don't get me wrong, y'all know I love the Bears. Regular readers of this blog will remember that they are my second favorite football team and that I consider the 1985-1986 Bears to be the finest professional sports team of all time. This year's Saints have a kick-ass (and prophetic) rap song of their own, but it's no Super Bowl Shuffle. Still, football is 70% football and only 30% rap, so my prediction is that the Saints will win 70-30.

But the only sad thing in all of this is that ma boy Dubby B ain't here to enjoy it all. Y'all may remember that two years ago, in my eulogy for him, I predicted that he would lobby God for a Saints Super Bowl victory in 2006. I was a year off, but it looks like ya boy is coming through.