Fuck Abstinence!

Yo y'all, what it be? Y'all heard of this thing called "abstinence"? I first heard about it a few weeks ago when that Congressional boy Waxman came out with that report attacking abstinence-only sex ed. So that aroused my curiosity...I did some research on it, and I found out some disturbing shit. Abstinence is this new thing that President George invented a few years back to solve the AIDS crisis. A laudable goal, to be sure, but things get a bit sinister when you find out what abstinence actually is. Y'all aren't going to believe this...it turns out abstinence means that you have to abstain from having sex! I'm not even playing!!! What kind of shit is that!!?? Man, I know George has come up with some pretty cool ideas before, like killing ferners and terrists and preventing homos from marrying and cutting my taxes so as to help grow the economy and offering something like $15 million in aid in the immediate aftermath of the tsunami and refusing to read any books except the Bible, but this one is just plain stupid. How you gonna keep the Diesel from getting his skeet on??!! Shit. I say we raise all kinds of hell when Congress tries to pass the mandatory abstinence law.

However, some people been saying that abstinence really works. I don't know enough about it to comment on its efficacy. All's I can say is that I loves me some sex. And what is all this shit about George being "the abstinence President"? I met that dude, and I can with complete confidence tell you that that man is not abstinent! Dude has two kids. Plus, he's married to some woman, and I'm sure they have sex occasionally, or at least sleep in the same bed. Or cuddle regularly. The hypocrisy of those in power appalls me.

I can only think of one potential benefit of the impending mandatory abstinence law: it will make people like James Spencer feel less like losers. Whereas now their virginity is seen as a result of their social and penile shortcomings, after the new law passes their virginity can be construed as begrudging compliance with legal norms. I know Spencer wants some advice on tha ladeez from tha Diesel hisself, so here it is: don't sweat anything now, because in a few weeks sex will be illegal anyway. If you develop a taste for it, you'll just have a harder time forgoing it in the future and you may find yourself in jail or at Guantanamo or something. And definitely don't go molesting boys like you been doing. That ain't cool, man (although I have been hearing that the abstinence bill won't apply to molesting boys, as that would alienate a huge part of George's base).

I'm having a hard time understanding why George would be so gung-ho about this whole abstinence thing. Maybe he wants to decimate the condom industry? I'm sure that would be politically advantageous since the Sooners done got they asses kicked by the Trojans in the Orange Bowl. Getting trounced by a bunch of homosexual latte-drinking condom manufacturers from Hollyweird must have shattered the fragile ego of the buckle of the Bible Belt. But now thanks to George, their self-esteem has been restored. Speaking of molestation and the Trojan War, here's a fictitious rap entitled "Stop Molesting Me (I Smoke Crack)". It was meant to be a duet. My lines are in black, those of my interlocutor are in red:

My neighbor used to molest me/
I told him no but he still caressed me/
I said if you don't stop with this child pedophilia/
I'll tell the cops and I'll tell the media/
Oh shit, he's feeling my genitals/
What should I do? I'll fill my brain with chemicals/
I started smoking crack to escape the pain/
Decided that I liked it so I did it agayne/
And agayne and agayne and agehn/
I'm smoking crack like it's the latest trend/
Smoking crack, reading the Iliad/
I smoke and I smoke, until I'm feeling it/
Put crack rocks in a hollowed-out Philly/
My favorite character is named Achilles/
Achilles!?!? Fuck Achilles, the best is Odysseus!!!/
Of all the Acheans, he be the wittiest/
What about Diomedes?/
Fuck Diomedes!!! Fuck Achilles!!!/
If the Iliad were the Grammies, they'd be Milli Vanilli/
That's silly. Why you gotta be hating on my boy Achilles/
Throwing around your disses all willy-nilly?/
Homer didn't write the Iliad just so you could get your hate on/
I'ma draw an 'X' across your face with my red crayon/