Say y'all ever heard of this thing called Eid al-Fitr? That's pretty much the most important Muslim holiday of the year, I mean it's either that or Valentine's Day, take your pick. So anyways, this year's Eid was controversial because it coincided with 9/11, which some people think is a Muslim holy day too but is actually not. This September 11th was also International Burn a Koran Day thanks to Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida. So on one hand his was a horrible idea that could've only been worse if he meant "Korean" rather than "Koran". But on the other hand, I kinda understand him. Autumn is coming up and it can get quite cold down there in Florida, plus with gas prices through the roof, heating costs can be exorbitant. Using books as kindling makes economic sense, and anyway it's not as if anyone in Jones' congregation knows how to read so the books would otherwise just go to waste. But why use the Koran? Well, the Koran is really thick and it emits more BTUs of heat than any other holy book, according to scientists at the National Institute of Standards and Technology. In fact, the current latent heat exchange rate has one Koran equivalent to 2.3 Bibles (KJV) and 3.1 Mahabharatas. However, none of these great holy books can even approach the awesome exothermic potential of Atlas Shrugged, which measures a whopping 5.7 Korans. Unfortunately, burning Atlas Shrugged releases highly toxic pollution which has been known to cause developmental defects if inhaled by teenagers. Pastor Jones surely knew this and decided instead to go the safe route. I'm sure even Allah himself would be willing to see a few Korans set ablaze if it meant saving impressionable youth from becoming Objectivists.
In other Islam-related news, people are still bitching about the Ground Zero Victory Mosque and Cracker Baby Re-education Camp proposed Islamic community center in lower Manhattan. I know I've written about it before, but I still can't wrap my head around all this opposition to something so benign. I mean, the imam behind the community center is a moderate Sufi. Sufis are basically the hippies of Islam. You know that famous poem, "a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou/ beside me singing in the wilderness"? That was written by a Sufi. Scary shit, huh? It's not exactly what you'd expect to see in an Al Qaeda jihad manual. The idea of an Islamic equivalent to the YMCA appeals to me because I think it would be nice if the American Muslim community had a Reformation of sorts at some point, some moderating influence to tell people to chill out like Martin Luther did when he stepped to the Pope in 1519 and was all like "I got 95 theses but a bitch ain't one" and then he marched on Washington DC and was all like "no lie can live forever" and "I have a dream" and what not. Or something. My grasp of history is tenuous because I majored in basketball at LSU. I do know how many points are in a three-pointer as well as how many dribbles are in a double-dribble. Can't no one match my knowledge on the hardcourt.
So in conclusion let me leave y'all with a hypothesis I just done hypothesized. Most sane, decent Americans hate Al Qaeda because they disagree with Al Qaeda's philosophy, but it seems like some elements of the right wing hate Al Qaeda out of mere jealousy. Islamic terrorists are beating them at their own game! Sure, some idiot pastor in bumfuck Florida can threaten to burn a bunch of Korans, but the Taliban BLEW UP TWO OF THE WORLD'S OLDEST, BIGGEST BUDDHA STATUES. That's hardcore right there. I'm beginning to think that certain segments of conservative America are cut from the same cloth as the Islamic fundamentalists we are at war with. If those two groups were to switch places, not much would change. It's just that America has a functioning democratic society where any attempt by right-wing crazies to use fear and violence to bludgeon the population into conforming to their strict dogma would be counter-productive, not to mention socially unacceptable. And luckily, our fundamentalists are so distracted by their huge flat screen TVs and endless supplies of fattening foods that their basest urges are somewhat placated and they find other, more socially acceptable and less violent, outlets for their fundamentalist tendencies. Like going to Tea Party rallies and gun ranges. And forwarding racist emails to their relatives.
Everything I ever needed to know about Islam I learned on 9/11. No, really. I took a day-long seminar in college as a requirement for my International Relations major. It just happened to be offered on 9/11. Weird coincidence, I know.
Say y'all heard of these things called "anchor babies"? That's the disgustingly offensive yet surprisingly accepted way of referring to babyfolk born on U.S. soil to non-resident immigrants. Thanks to highly effective fear-mongering being implemented by certain right-wingers, there is a movement afoot to get rid of birthright citizenship, which is something that is guaranteed by the 14th Amendment (of course, this is the Tea Party's least favorite amendment). Now I ain't no lawyer but I do know a few people what went to lawyer school and if they're to be believed apparently the 14th Amendment is pretty important. Among many other very important rights, the 14th Amendment confers automatic citizenship to any human born in the United States. At least I think it's limited to humans. I certainly hope so. Can y'all imagine all these illegal Mexican birds flying over the border and eating all our American crops? Then they lay all the eggs they can and their little hatchlings are automatically entitled to all the birdseed stamps they want. Shit, I used to be for the 14th Amendment but now that I think about it maybe those Tea-anderthals do have a point.
When American birds, such as the bald eagle, migrate, they do it the right way. They're here LEGALLY and they get their passports stamped when they migrate south for the winter. Not like those swarthy shifty Mexican birds, such as el aguila real. They don't even pay taxes but the gubmint lets them freeload and shit (literally) all over the American taxpayer. What we need to do is build a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very tall fence on the border to keep them lazy hollow-boned egg-laying moochers out. I bet they don't even speak English. The other day I saw a mama bird regurgitate its food and feed it to its chicks. How sick is that shit? Someone call Social Services on their feathered asses. It doesn't take a genius to see the connection between our lenient treatment of illegal Mexican birds and the recent salmonella epidemic. If we continue to appease Los Pajaros Peligrosos and their open border agenda, we'll inevitably succumb to bird flu or ebola or Montezuma's Revenge or whatever biological weapon of mass destruction they're currently working on. And where is Obama in all of this? He's been suspiciously silent on this issue. Instead of acting boldly, he's walking on eggshells (ha!). He really laid an egg (ha!) on this one.
But anyway, back to humans, which was the original point of this post before I got sidetracked. So it's bad enough that some Republican politicians are harping on "anchor babies" in order to create a climate of fear amongst the more primitive and suggestible portion of the populace just in time for election season. What's worse is that some spectacularly demented politicians are going so far as to raise a new conspiracy: TERROR BABIES!!! This is so bizarre and unhinged a conspiracy theory that I can't really summarize it, so please please please just click on the link. The gist of it, if I follow correctly, is that terrorist groups will partner with illegal immigrants to form a Latino-Arab-Islamist supergroup named El Qaeda, which will then recruit pregnant women to cross the border while they're in labor and plop out their dusky bundles of joy onto U.S. soil. These terror babies will then have all the advantages of U.S. citizenship, which will of course make it easier for them to implement their master plan of placing explosives into our nation's tomato supply, to which they will have sole access since it will be their job to harvest all America's produce. The plan will come to fruition (I'm not sure if this is a pun or not) during Ramadan of 2028, while American Muslims are all fasting, thus ensuring that they will be spared from the carnage. So I'd just like to thank Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), not only for warning us about terror babies and their impending gazpacho Gestapo, but for also giving me the inspiration for the name of my new band. Look for the Terror Babies' first album to drop sometime in early 2011.
When Arizona looks kinda weird and you wish that you weren't there...
Hey yo, how y'all be living? Y'all heard of this literary technique known as the palindrome? When I first heard of that shit, I was suspicious, seeing as how it seemed improbable that any useful or interesting literary technique could be named after Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska and current head of Al-Aska Martyrs' Brigade. After all it's common knowledge that she is, how shall I put it, a bit slow. In the brain. Some might even go so far as to call her not smart. Like maybe she's so not smart that she thinks Eugene V. Debs was a court case. I don't want to be mean or anything but she just isn't the most brilliant person out there. Like maybe she's so not brilliant that she thinks the Mongolian Steppe is a dance move.
So imagine my surprise when I discovered that the palindrome is actually an amazing invention. Palin is a lot smarter than I initially gave her credit for. So anyways, a palindrome is a word or sentence that is spelled the same way backwards and forwards. Pretty crazy huh? Sarah Palin invented them to make life easier for dyslexic people. She is truly a humanitarian.
Anyways, the other night me and the reanimated corpse of former Poet Laureate Robert Frost had a poetry contest as part of my acclaimed Shaq Versus television series. The theme of the episode was palindromic poetry. We had to each come up with a poem in which each line was a palindrome, and luckily we had the option of adding an extra non-palindromic line at the end to complete the rhyme scheme. And guess what? I won!!! Ain't nothing Shaqdaddy can't do. My domination nose know bounds.
Be with gin, a night I web.
Don drowsy's word: Nod.
Defer as pandas' sad naps are fed
No peels o' sleep on
Which to bed.
UPDATE: Here is Mr. Frost's poem. It doesn't make much sense. Perhaps I should stop challenging zombies.
He did pose as Aesop did, eh?
Don't nod.
Toronto got no rot.
You, bay a buoy.
Salt an Atlas.
Never odd or even.
My name is Steven.
